The Mind Can Be A Terrible Place

Lately, my blog entries have been leaned towards mental health issues. Relationships are the worst. What is it that makes relationships second-guess you? It’s often torture to the one who is starting to feel. I don’t want to feel it! I hate the fact that I have feelings that I refuse to have. It’s enviable that in any relationship, whether it be friendship, or family, or lovers, or even friends with benefits. There is a growing emotional attachment. I believe that we are created to love no matter the consequences or the choices we make. I try so hard not to have that emotional attachment. However, it’s going to happen. When two people have frequent casual sex, the flesh grows into the trap of emotion. There is a deep connection and a growing desire toward the person you are with. It’s a weird entrapment that is within us, humans are often subjected to the connection. Especially with those who are almost like yourself. A familiar kind of person who is someone else that you used to know. For me, it’s my ex-husband, I am not sure if I still miss him, but I am with someone who is almost like him, except, this guy is sober and way focused on everything. His mind blows me away, he is intellectually grounded and knows exactly what to say. I like his mind. The more and more I spend time with him, the more and more I start to engage in my mentality of thinking he’s going to leave me for someone else, or I am not attractive enough for him. I started to sabotage what I have in my life. Why do women do that? How come we sabotage this thing that is so amazing as far as being treated as a human being? Women have the minds that get fucked all the time and we ruin it. 

I am not sure why my stomach hurts when I think of Texas, it just does. Maybe it’s an emotional adjustment. I’m not sure. However, I find myself trying to sabotage this thing. I mean come on, look at the last blog I wrote. I am trying to sabotage it. But then again… see there is that still sense of thought. The thought of, “Maybe my gut feeling is true, maybe I am not wrong.” The only time I think this way is when there is a man involved, take the last guy who was the alcoholic. I was that way with him. I was constantly thinking he was with other women, probably true. Only because he drinks a lot and loves to be a dick about women in his life. I suppose the difference is the other guy who is an alcoholic and the sober man, is that the sober man is real. I know in my mind, I think at times I think kind of clearly, just not the last week or so. This last week has been bad. There is no other way to explain it. I know that life happens for a reason. I think to myself, now that I have met this guy, and then all of a sudden lost my job, and become unemployed, why is this happening with him in it? By the way, he is still hanging around, always texting me, always letting me know he is there. I appreciate him while I am trying to get myself out there in the workforce world again. This is the reason I write in my bogs, to get a sense of clarity and to make better the thinking that I have. I didn’t know that I deserved better, I didn’t know that deserving better would be in a relationship. Even though it is an oral contract of one year to be in this thing. I am learning to be in the presence of it all. However, whatever becomes will be. I just want a good life, everything that is here in my life, in the end, all I want is a good content life.

You Don't Know, But Life Can Change

I love my life, despite there are areas that make me want to give up on myself. But I fight it every day, the mind is so unbelievable. My heart, however, is constantly on guard. What is it about the mind and the heart that makes it so incredible? I know that when the mind and heart come together they work in unison. It's a team effort to live and know. One of the things that I do is pray, I pray because I need to pray. It's one of those things that comes with living. Just recently I lost my job about a week ago. I am currently unemployed. I had my time to weep and be depressed for the moment and then gathered up my thoughts and my feelings. I have never experienced being terminated from my position at a job. It was definitely an experience to be in. Nothing like starting out at the age of fifty years old. But you know there is that notion that it was meant to be, all this amount of things was meant to be. Just like the current relationship that has developed. I am second thinking again, but in the beginning, I did pray for this thing. The thing that I have with Texas. I asked God to reveal whatever there is a problem. "If You God think that I shouldn't continue this for some reason or another, and if this man is not truly a man, can you do something about it and reveal it?" This prayer I requested of Him. 

With this prayer that I most often give Him and pray to Him always is answered. The amazing thing is that He reveals the man to me just as crystal clear as the fresh rivers of Glacier, MT. That is how my God works in my life. This blog entry is not meant to preach to you, that is not my position. However, when you live, you must have a meditation and a higher entity to live with. Mine is my Heavenly Father, God, He is the only one who I count on to reveal, answer, guide, and love me. Most important is His love for me. I am waiting still in the midst of it all. Lately, my gut feelings are and seem to come to fruition. When a man is a part of your life for maybe a month or so, things tend to unravel. Why can't honesty and truthfulness be where they are in life, especially with you. Instead of hiding it all. I would be honest and tell them yes, if this is a one-year thing then that means I can continue to date whomever. Lately, I know this guy is a true asshole, just like he says, he doesn't care about me. He absolutely does not give two shits to the wind for me. I understand that, and I can deal with that. I did like his charm and his kindness to me. I haven't had that in a very long time. Things change, but I am still waiting for God to reveal the hearts of men. I am always waiting on that particular area of a man. The heart. A man's heart is a complex thing to understand, the mind is also. But you know what is not complex? God's heart, is complete, no matter where you are right now in your life, He still loves you. Because He knows that sin is something that is difficult, especially in this horrible world we live in. I am not saying by any means that I am holier than thou. I am simply saying that I can't live without that knowing. 

It does make me excited to wait and see. I am in awe of Him answering my prayers and revealing things in a mighty way. It is incredible, so when I am in a relationship, He is my true guardian to the right one. He knows more than me, He knows that I know nothing and that no one has my back, other than Him. So living this life is actually not hard to live, yes you will have those moments where there are bumpy roads, but it tends to fade. The hardships of life fade away as the fresh morning sun shines into a brilliant light that has a fresh day to enjoy. That is exactly how life is. That is how we should live. It amazes me how that happens. I love it, I love that I have options, I am a single woman who has decisions to make on my own terms with God in it. I can never forget God. In this journey of being a single woman and dating, it does get easier to recognize and let go. I love that my life at my age has come to that. To be at the age of dealing with letting go of a guy and doing it eloquently. That is my prize. Being eloquent about life, and being humble in the process without being angry or spiteful to the man. Instead, love him as he leaves after letting him go. I guess the picture that I'm painting is me having a life that will last till the end of the week. So, it is like the thing that I stated as loving them as they go from me. That meant I had my time with him, then I moved on. I loved them before the death of a week. 

This concept is kind of hard to understand because, in a woman's life, the chemistry that we have is tender. Women have feelings that extend for thousands of miles. It is crazy to fathom, but it is true. I have feelings, but I have to tame them. My daddy has always told me to not go by feelings, but go by knowing. Be knowledgeable in life, the only time we should feel is when we are physically hurt with tormentil pain. This has been embedded into my brain, it has taken this long to be knowledgeable in exactly what that means. I have come to the conclusion now that taming my feelings is of the utmost importance in my life. Feelings are the culprit in not living the best life possible. I am not a psychologist, but I am a woman who has lived through plenty of bullshit to sniff out the ones that don't smell like roses. In time, we all learn, and everything always comes to fruition. That is my take on my journey as a fifty-year-old woman, let's live life eloquently and not forget God in it because He is the only one Who actually has your back. 

I Keep It As Treasures In My Mind

I can't sleep, however, I am better than I was the last two days ago though. Things happen in a short amount of time, but it does get better. I am looking forward to a good vacation, it is what I need to start all over again. There will be struggles, however, the positive thing is there is no rush. Tonight I couldn't sleep. I was lying in bed thinking of the only man I currently know. It has become a problem, nothing bad, it's just I have come to a point in my month dating with Texas, that I am becoming a bit attached. In a way, it is nice to know that I have feelings that are genuine. You know, it is true that when a woman has not been treated like a queen, she questions the attention. I did, and I do at times still question the nice things that Texas does for me. It is so crazy to have a mind like that. Texas texts me good morning messages, and tonight I was wondering if I was going to see him, but it didn't happen. The thing is, he doesn't have to do anything for me, except ask me to come over to his place and I am happy. He did text me, good night sweetheart.

Our nights are lying in bed after an escapades of good sex, I have to explain. Afterward, we lay in bed and I have the pleasure of listening to him talk to me. To watch him smoke his cigarettes by his doorway and kiss him from time to time. Being close to him is all I want from him. I guess it's because I have already grown a bit into something that seems nice. It's contentment that is perfect. Now, I seem to want to be as close to him as much as possible. I understand the oral contract of an undefined and unfeeling relationship we agreed upon, and then him leaving. Now I have the need to be close to him and secretly already breaking that contract, which is my fault. I suppose the need to be close to him, with his dog and cat is something I want to soak up. Then when the time comes, I will have accumulated all of him within my soul. Maybe, it might help to do that, so when he does leave it won't be that bad. 

I was just lying in bed thinking of Texas, pretending that I was listening to him tell me stories. We didn't get to see each other tonight, he worked late, and he called me to let me know that he was just leaving his work. He also told me that tomorrow we will see each other. I was happy he said that. Normally, I would go to his place and have our time with one another, and then I'd watch him take his shower and listen to him talk to me. He makes me laugh, he's a kind of medicine for me this week to cheer me up. When he gets out of the shower, he still talks about everything under the sun and I just listen with happy ears. It's nice to lay in bed with him and his dog and relax together. There are times when he shows me music videos and they are funny. Texas is a homebody and I enjoy that part of him. It's nice to be around someone like that. 

I hope he doesn't read any of this that I write because I don't want him to know how I feel. Contracts often get broken along the way, I mean look at all the treaties that the government broke with my people. As I roll my eyes to what I just wrote. It's true, however, it was a time when it was new and the miscommunication was taken advantage of. I suppose in this situation with me and Texas I'm the government breaking the treaty between us. Now I am smiling. How's that for being the one who breaks. I did, well, I have an excuse, I am a woman. I have those stupid feelings that creep up on me and make me care more and more. It's a terrible disease. 

As I stated this short-term relationship is going to teach me a lot. It is a blessing to know someone like him and to know that it's not that bad. I don't think I have ever felt so comfortable with a man as I do with him. I go potty on the toilet while he is standing in front of me talking. I just don't ever want to shit in front of him. That is something that real people in relationships do. This is a practice run toward the real thing in the future. It's funny, I had to get up from my slumber and write about him. His eyes are always open when we kiss, and he has his total attention on me all the time. I like it, it's new in my life, I suppose that is why I am writing about him. Well, I am writing about him because I missed him tonight. The bright side is that I get to see him again soon. Thank God for Texas. 

Things Seem Sketchy Or Is It my Brain Manipulating Me...

Since writing is a skill, I am learning to write and edit what I can. I also have a personal editor; I have used it in school for the last two years. Yesterday and the day before were complicated; I felt intense emotion. I went out to run the trails, and it was the first run to prepare for my 10k run in October. It was so crazy the way my brain was functioning. But I figured out the switch to my brain. 

THE FIRST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE since I started on the medication and learned to live with it. However, I figured out how to balance the positive and negative. I almost destroyed something in my life because of something in my brain that made me think otherwise. In the following, I wrote a lot of mumbo jumbo about how I felt yesterday. It was not a fun afternoon for me. 

"Have you ever had the feeling that things are not the way that they used to be? Some things seem different now. It may be me or the change in season. It's one of those things that you sometimes ponder on. I ponder a lot; I try not to entertain or dream. It gets frustrating since I mentioned my depression issues, and the sense of belonging is no longer there. It seemed different; maybe it's because I stated it to Texas; I am just going to call him Texas. As a woman and someone dating, I must let people know my details. I try not to be too immersed in thoughts; it's terrible. It may be me or the weather. However, I will not get excited about this thing that seemed really lovely and, you know, maybe. I am to that point now; it's just a joke. This whole thing is just a joke. I'm stupid for thinking that I could, for all purposes, handle such an idea. The short-term for me is two months or three. All these things that are feelings creep up on you. There is the issue with my kids; this is where I am foolish. Stupid to allow just ideas to come into play. I need to be careful about how things go. 

This morning, there was the mention of feelings. We need to have the non-feelings not interfere with this thing that is going on. I ruined it, or maybe Texas ruined it. I am already there. I need to tell him soon that this thing can't continue anymore. It's one of the things I used to be so good at. However, this time, it involves my kids. The one thing I am thankful for is the counseling that I will need, and I need to focus more on myself and less on the other men I allow in my life. It's my fault; it really is. I should have never allowed and agreed to the one-year agreement to occur."

When I read this portion I wrote yesterday, it really got me. The things in my brain were intense, and the messages sent to me and to Texas were totally taken out of context on my part. I'm not too fond of text messages. It needs more communication. I was relieved when I got to see him. It was as if my brain settled and back to where it needed to be. I didn't think I would react in such a way, but I did. I got to see him and talk to him. I listened to his stories, and it was so good for my brain to listen and love his dog. His dog is precious; she has those eyes that look at you with such adoring acceptance. She makes me feel loved; my dogs love me, but hers is very loving. That is going to be the hardest when they both leave. I am unsure how dogs make you feel accepted, but they do. Every time I see MGirl, I'll call her MGirl, then go home for the evening to return to my dogs. The welcoming of them makes me even happier. They are delighted when they see me walk through the door, as if they know that I am refreshed again. Usually, when I am around a dog, they freak out. But not with MGirl's smell; they are happy, and they are just calm. They don't sniff me all crazy like with other dogs. 

After being with Texas, my brain was settled, and I was feeling better. However, I realized something: I was listening to the wrong music yesterday, the day before, and the day before that. It was the song by LP called "Lost on You." This song I played over and over again. It was messing with my brain and the thought processes that go with thinking. I was also listening to it in my brain; my brain kept playing the tune while sleeping. The song manipulated my brain and the way it was thinking. It's accurate to what people say about music; when a tune captures you, it adjusts it to believe in another way. It's bizarre. I listened to it all the time; I even listened to it while I was running the trails. It damaged my well-being and my mental health. I decided sometime yesterday that I would listen to something else that was less depressive and less of that song. So I listened to "System of the Down" instead and "Rob Zombie." One of the things I have to be aware of is music. Women tend to be victims of music that might pertain to their lives as it is. 

Women are creatures who are different from one another. If we can not take control of the situation, then there is an explosion that occurs. The tendency to shut down is becoming a norm in women of all ages, and men are the problem... so they say. What I don't understand is why are women on the dating apps? Why is it that men have become the enemy? I don't know. I'm just asking those questions. I have my own issues to deal with. I like writing like I am an expert and think I know. But I have no clue; that is why I ask the question. As a woman, wanting to be in a relationship is a challenge. It isn't; I am experiencing what I thought was impossible. Last night, he went through some Bible verses with me. It was nice to lay beside him and look at Bible verses. I never thought I'd meet a Christian asshole man like him. I like it. Just one of those things that makes me think, "You know, relationships aren't that scary if you find the right one." What's a reality is that you cannot find the right person in the place that you're in. You can't find your person in the town you live in. After Texas leaves, I might have to go, too, to another city where I find the one person who will be with me for the rest of my life. It's just a realization that occurred just now. Because I like the person I am with, he is safe, and I always need that safe, comforting feeling. Plus, my future guy, well, he has to be an asshole too.  

The Sense Of Being Something, But At The End You're Not

I enjoy date nights and spending time with a man who has a lot to say. He is witty and so sexy at the same time. I have to admit after I wrote this section of my friend, I started to cry. Yeah, just out of the middle of nowhere. Yesterday, I decided to see the doctor about my mental health. It was one of the most challenging things I had to do as a "Strong and Independent Woman." I was being sarcastic in my statement if you didn't get it. The common thing for me is crying out of nowhere. I am seeking counseling, and that is something that is a challenge nowadays. It is a challenge because there are so many other individuals who need counseling, too. Mental health is becoming a huge issue in an individual's life. For me, I have dealt with it for far too long. I've known my mental health has had its days, from terrible days to good promising days. However, lately, my days are turning into days that I can not shake off. I could combat it and get at the root before it got me. I thought that having a Master's Degree would help me get further in life. It seems I make the wrong decisions all the time. It is a problem. But problems can be solved; sometimes, it takes a minute to solve. 

This week was a fantastic week to finally see my friend from Texas. It is something else when, after a while, you are apart from someone. It's a relief to see them again. I was relieved to see him again. He took me out to dinner, wined and dined me, and even bought ribeye dinners for my kids. That was something of a huge surprise. One of the things he had to do this week was get his new office put together. He would plan a time to get together and then had to change it due to going out of town to get his furniture. It can be hard to trust, but I am okay with the rainchecks in this relationship. I have to get used to it because this particular situation is different. He is short-term in my life; however, I hope it lasts. I love listening to all his stories when we are together, and I love his dog; she is so sweet. I think she loves me too. She makes me feel special, like my other dog, Grayson, who always wants to be there when I leave. My dog loves to go places with me, too. Surprisingly, he is good at sitting with me while fishing at the lake. Sometimes, he gets bored, and I should get him out and run around in the woods. Anyway, I got off track again. My friend has a sweet cutie pie dog, just the apple of my eye. The next time, I need to bring her a beef snack. She is that wonderful. I let my friend know that she is the reason I see him... I am smiling at what I just wrote. Last night was fun; I enjoy just being with him even though we don't go out and do things. 

I would like to take him to the Navajo reservation and have him meet my family. I think they would like to meet him. I brought one other friend with me not too long ago, except he was very young. It was a good experience for him. He got to be part of a Navajo wedding ceremony and ate lots of good food. In my van, we spent the night under the dark night sky of Monument Valley, UT. We stayed in separate areas of the truck; he stayed on his side, and I stayed on mine. It was a good trip with him; I showed him some places along the way back and finally got him home to his traveling vehicle. He is a wanderer and has no home; he likes it that way. He really is an exciting kind of guy. He is a vagabond. I admire the way he chooses to live his life. He is around the area and probably getting ready for the winter season. 

So, taking my Texas friend to Monument Valley is one of my goals for me to do. When we first met, we chatted over Tinder and got to know each other. He really wanted to meet me, and I was okay to meet him for some reason. He was very abrupt at meeting me, so I agreed. I don't know why, but I was not like that before with men. I am usually the one who reschedules or cancels for some reason or another. I'm thankful the guy that I was seeing before the Texan, ghosted me for a long period of time, didn't text me back that night. I was really grateful because I would've been stupid and canceled to meet with the Texan instead. I was nervous to meet him because I always had to have the approval of the guy to want me. I thought this guy was a big wig or something, "So act better than what you are, Diana!" So I waited in Starbucks on North Avenue, the high traffic of homeless people and thugs in the area. It's not the safest place in the area. But I like the Starbucks there, and outside, you can hear the commotion of the baseball stadium, so it was, in my mind, perfect. So he comes in finally after trying to find his way around. He comes in, and I am like, wow, this guy is a construction man. I was immediately attracted to him; he held his hand out to me and drew me close for a hug. A greeting, a wonderful, warm, kind greeting. I liked it. Then he buys me coffee, and we go outside; the rest is history. I talked, and he spoke himself, and then we made out, outside by his truck. He was frisky and fresh, and I was eating it all up. Now, here we are almost two months into our initial meeting. It's crazy how time flies and how things come together; he is a man of great character. 

So now that I am still getting to know him, he is pretty sharp; he knows a lot even though he won't tell me all he knows of me. He didn't think I had an appointment to see the doctor yesterday. Last night, I went to his place because we had it in for each other; we were hungry for sex. I'll just be blunt about it. So after our lovely time with one another, he asked me about my day. I told him, "It was good; I had to go to a doctor's appointment today." He was concerned, he asked, "For what? What's the matter?" I told him, "Eh, it's for my depression, anxiety, and ADHD." I looked at him to see a reaction. He's asked, "Why are you depressed?" I explained that I had been struggling with it for a long time. He was interested in knowing why I had come to this place. I had to let him know what was going on with me, just because I think it's important to let people in your life know what is happening with you. I didn't want to not tell him but also to see what his reaction would be to me being diagnosed with this condition. It's weird to be diagnosed with a mental illness and take medication for it. I hope, in my case, I won't have to need it for too long; I hope I can at least get off it eventually. If not, then I have a road of repair for myself. Maybe I can be one of those older women who goes to the gym and becomes buff and super healthy, then I won't be depressed anymore. 

Who knows what the time on this earth will bring to me. It takes time to live life and figure it all out. At the moment, writing blogs is my go-to. It helps my brain process; it helps to get it out of there into the space of nothing in the web. Do people read my blog? I don't know; maybe they do, and that's okay. It's okay that some read my blog, and it's okay that others do not. All I know is that it is healing; it gives me a sense of purpose to write about my life and how I feel. I hope that whoever reads my blog relates to it. If someone reads my blog, it helps them somehow, like, "Gee! I didn't know I was the only one going through this?" Then, that is all that matters to me. Well, life isn't all roses and smelling happy all the time. It can be a struggle for some people. Even if they haven't experienced real life, real trauma, it just happens.

Something in the brain struggles; somewhere in the brain, sometimes just doesn't connect well. I recently got a tattoo last month in August, and it's a tattoo of a neurotransmitter of the brain and how the connection occurs. I look at it occasionally to remember that not all neurotransmitters don't snap well. Mine sometimes does, but what if there is no synapse in how the chemical occurs? The chemical makes us happy or sad; if there is no dopamine or serotonin in that travel passage to connect, there is a problem. I like my tattoo; I love the biology of the brain. It is definitely a wonderfully complex system.

When It Gets Too Hard

I am not sure how life is supposed to continue. Does happiness have to be present? Or do the questions brew in your mind like why am I here? Sometimes, lately, I have had those thoughts in my mind. Maybe, it's something that has to do with the season, or it's something else. These last two weeks have admittedly been a struggle for me. My mind is blown out of proportion to the extent that I just want to dig a hole and hide in it. I have found that depression is an onset that appears so quickly that you don't recognize it fast enough to suppress it. The last time that I was feeling like this, and it was pretty bad, was in 2011. I was attending Dine College in Shiprock, NM, and developed some close friends of mine. I started my education career by attending college on the reservation. It was the highlight of my life, I felt like I was making a difference. I was part of an organization promoting and educating the HIV/AIDS prevention team. It was a wonderful learning experience. I miss the people I worked with, They were a bold, compassionate, and fun bunch of colleagues. They were Navajo and had a passion for Public Health Prevention, and they cared so much for the community of our Navajo Nation. I was a Peer Educator and loved the position of promoting prevention with my community. The one thing that was enjoyable was the presentations that I would put together. They trusted me to build a presentation and share it. I'd put it together, and reach out to community organizations, schools, or jails to present my presentation. I would display incentive pieces to give out to the ones who sat in and listened to me. It was always fun to travel with one of my colleagues.

While this was going on, I started to feel defeated, because there was one class that was so challenging to me that it was tearing up my brain. Especially, when it comes to remembering things and trying to understand them at the same time. The connection was not there. I buckle when it comes to multiple-choice questions, I tend to get scrambled, and my mind just webs out like an out-of-control directional map that has no point of direction. I am not sure if you can understand the brain that has an effect, then when you try and try, then you fail due to attempts, you feel like a major loser. The instructor I had would get frustrated, that I failed, I think at one point he gave up on me. I had another professor who was like that at the other school I attended. It is not a great feeling, but I understand why they felt that way. They are educational leaders who have used their curriculum and students, I'm sure pass their exams. In my mind, it functions very differently, I hope others are the same. I hope there are those reading this can relate. I am currently trying to get through an exam that is going to be my fourth attempt. Four times, I often think, am I the only one who is struggling to pass this test that I think I know? It is not easy at all in my mind. But when I read the materials, I understand the concept. It's the exams that don't make sense to me. It's the way they change the concept that I just learned that makes it so difficult. I can't wrap my understanding around the change of wording put into it.

The anxiety and the fear of losing my position in my current employment have got to me. I am being weighed with negativity and I can not escape it. The last time that this was an issue was at the time, as I mentioned before, attended Dine College. I used to drive forty-five minutes to and fro to school each day. I lived out in the middle of nowhere with my children in a Housing Authority on the reservation. My place started to become out of control I didn't keep up and I just wanted to escape all the time. I started to become less happier, and when I would drive home, I would have suicidal ideation. On the reservation, we can drive as fast as we want, without insurance, and without tags on the car. The Navajo Nation police really don't do much to enforce the traffic laws. I suppose if they were bored and felt like enforcing then yes they would go out and give out tickets. But when it comes to anything tragic, they are there when they can be. Other than that FBI steps in to take care of the tragedy, which is another story of the Feds that so-called care for us Natives. It's a joke. At any rate, I was dealing with wanting to end my life again. This would be the second time in my life that I have tried or thought of ending my life. I suppose it just sneaks up on you. It's like out of the blue, if I felt any inclusion from work, I would get a bit depressed, but I always seem to catch it and work on myself. This time it feels different. I feel like at the moment I want to be away. But then again, I don't want to be away, I want to stay put where I'm at like I don't want to go anywhere. I can't explain the way it is. I had a wonderful friend who I talked to and she prayed with me. She has a heart of the Lord that is present with Him. Her prayers and her tears, healed me, and gradually I carried on, we spent time together just laughing and hanging out. It was what I needed. Everything else was just a memory of my depression and suicide. My friend worked at Dine College. 

Sometimes, memories come back and at times it hits hard and heavy. It seems at my age it's very heavy. Like I can not seem to shake this cement block off me. The other day, I was at my wits end, I saw my kids, and my family as a reason to make a change. I talked to my daughter about my feelings and my work, and she told me, "Mom! Do not quit! It's not an option." I looked at her, and said, "I won't..." I decided to make an appointment and talk to a professional about my issues and whatever they suggest I am going to try to make it one step at a time. I suppose stating my voice to say something to someone helps in get a bit further in living my life. The ultimate goal in my life is accountability. I want to be accountable in my life, I want to be responsible for my actions. Even if it hurts me, or the other person. I think this is my position to take the proper actions to my accountability to myself, and the responsible route to get the help that I need. There are not many who can say they have the support, but the one thing that gets to me is my children. When I tell them something that I am going to do, they support it. I was there for my children when I could, my daughter was always crying for me to help her until I opened my mind to actually help. I was not focused on her needs or my son's needs. Children are the most amazing gifts to a parent. Especially, a single one. I wished I was a better parent, instead of thinking that they could do it themselves, but instead, I'm busy trying to make a life for us. Alcohol was the worst, I thank God that, that part of my life is not an option for my depression. I confess, there was a split second or two that it was something I could do.

I am looking forward to my appointment to get the help that I need. I am also thankful I can write about this in my blog to get it out of my mind and out of my system. This helps a lot. I hope the struggles that weigh you down, are lifted, I hope that whoever is reading this considers life, and contentment in life. It may not be happy, but at least we have the contentment of trying to meet ourselves at the crossroads to beat the demon that is always trying to destroy us. 

Good Mornings and My Coffee

Days are getting shorter. I noticed the light in the morning is darker, and the evenings are getting shorter. Although the fun is about to end on longer days, having cooler mornings and much cooler days is nice. When I was a little girl living in Moab, UT, I was so excited the weather was getting cooler and colder. I loved bundling up warm and buying coats and jackets to wear at school; in Middle School and High School, I worked so I could buy whatever I wanted. I started working at the age of twelve years old. My parents loved that I worked because they didn't have to buy me anything. Anyway, I am getting off track. My favorite is how the weather changed from super hot to cool down. The coffee tastes better in the mornings, and my bed feels so much better with tons of blankets and pillows. The energy bill is the only thing I can't get better in my life. It gets high in cost in the summer, and then when winter hits, it is as costly as it was during the summer. A person living in America can't win these days. However, I am ecstatic about the Fall season. The sad and frustrating part is this particular season only lasts a minute during the year. I hope the Fall season stays longer. The other day, I was outside, and I didn't have to take off my jacket and feel like I was in a sauna. When I got into my car, the seats were not as hot as usual, and I didn't have to run my air conditioner. It was fantastic. 

Now that I have mentioned the change in seasons again, I decided to make myself a cup of buttered coffee this morning. Have you ever had a cup of buttered coffee? If you haven't, I suggest you make one. It is the best coffee drink in the world. I rate it better than a latte. The way I make it is I start with real butter (2 Tablespoons) in a blender, a teaspoon of any kind of coffee syrup, I always like to add some Stevia (1 heaping teaspoon), and lastly, my brewed coffee. Then you'll see the magic happens after blending it all together. The coffee turns into a beautiful froth, and it is yummy. This is my favorite to have during the Fall season. It is better than a Latte at Starbucks; that is my opinion. I had one cup this morning and then had my regular coffee. Yes, the Fall season is good, with the best coffee drink in the brisk mornings.

There is nothing better than having my friend from Texas return, and I got to see him last night. I was getting a bit lonely, but now I am better. However, I'll be lonelier when he leaves. I know I keep mentioning that notion. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I am at the moment choking back the tears. I know all this will be okay; I know my worth now. Being fifty, my Texan man, is my true lesson this year, and knowing that I should not be afraid of having a relationship. Isn't that something? I was so afraid of relationships that I was no longer afraid when I hit fifty. 

What is it about being at the age that I am at? Living this long at a half-century old, I love indicating that I am indeed a half-century old. It just makes me feel honored to live this long and finally learn the tricks of the trade. I mean, look at me; I was an alcoholic, and I'm kind of understanding the mechanisms of paying my bills. I have to say that I am very proud of myself. I am staying consistent in my blog, maybe because I love writing or because I feel something is missing. I was in a Master's program that required me to write constantly. Writing is a release from life, and it's my outlet to go about my day without thinking I am a loser. When I write in my blog, I feel like I am actually writing a book about my life and what I am doing in my life. I write about lessons to be learned and the age that I am at. I have always wanted to go on and on about myself in a blog. Again, I am laughing at what I just typed out. I have many thoughts in my brain; it is weird. My thoughts are all over the place. I have one area of my thoughts that is stirring with nothing but sex, and then another area stirring with what about my health. However, there's another part that is thinking about hoping to pass my Life and Health Insurance exam. But my current goal, besides getting laid, is to be confident and happy. Sometimes, I think there's something not right about me. I tell you what. I think it's because I'm Navajo. Never mind about my current goal. I think getting laid is my goal all the time. 

Every person is different; I think it is how they live in society. As a child, I was always intrigued by how people lived. At a young age, I was raised in a Christian home. I had a beautiful mother who was a model to me. She was to teach me the ways of being a woman; little did she know I was nothing like her. To be honestly true, my mother was better than me. She loved the Lord; she loved being obedient. Her desire was for her kids to have what she knew and who she was. Legalistically, it didn't work for me. I was always the rebellious one. I wanted to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, and have sex. I wanted to explore the effects of who I was, but then there were the guilty feelings of trying it or the consequences of being drunk. I don't remember my first time. I was so drunk one night that a guy took advantage of me and took my virginity away. Sometimes, I wished I remembered my first time when I was no longer a virgin. But I don't. Sometimes, when I think about it, I try to remember it, but it is shameful. I know I am not the only one who doesn't remember because I'm sure someone experienced the same thing. At any rate, it's what led me, I think, to be a sex mongrel. A monstrous woman with an appetite for one man in my life; who he is, I have no clue. But he has to be out there, the one for me till the end of my life. That is all I want. Society and women always have to state shit, like, "I don't need a man; women don't need a man in their lives. We are strong, independent women." I call bullshit on that. I would love a man to spend the rest of my life with. To have sex when I want it, not trying to search for it. Why search for it when you can have it at home? Yes, the toys that women purchase are fine and dandy. However, it's not the real thing. I have toys; they were a gift from the last guy I met, the one who drank too much. I have never had anything like that, EVER.

One night, after spending time with one another, he asked me if I use toys when I am with men. I let him know that I don't have any. I let him know that I have never had anything like that in my life. They were used on me, but I don't remember cause I blacked out after a night of drunkenness. He told me, "Get your clothes on; we're going to the sex shop." I looked at him and said, "Seriously?" He was so country he said, "Get yer ass going woman." I laughed at him, then said, "OOOO, this is going to be fun!" Yeah, I am not the typical pristine Christian woman. I struggle with trying to be godly and perfect like those women in church. In my eyes, that is how I see them. I know they struggle too. Anyway, yep, that was my gift from him that night. I know I mention this guy all the time. Something interesting about this man is that he opened me up to be a woman of confidence. I don't know why, actually, I do know why. I have this foopa, and I hate it. It is one of the less attractive things about me. At least, that is what I think. When I was with him, the second encounter, cause the first was a dud because he was intoxicated. I don't think he saw who I was; he had his drunk goggles on. So it was the second encounter when being with him. He literally took off my clothes in front of him. His eyes were hungry, and I was so insecure about my foopa. I took my dress and held it over my tummy. He told me, "No, stop that, you don't do that, don't cover up, you're sexy and hot." I am unsure, but after what he told me, I was confident enough to drop that dress and jump into bed with him. I felt so sexy that night. I was a new woman after that, and my foopa? I still hate it, but I am not that hateful about it anymore. It was his eyes that did it. If I can find eyes like his again, to be with me for the rest of my life. I think I would be content. I might want to kick his ass occasionally, but I would be content.  

My Thoughts of Him Again

There is a song that is an addicting tune for now. I discovered this song this morning while drinking my coffee. It's called "Lost on You" by LP. So this song is beautiful and perfect; my mind is engaged, and my thoughts are with the alcoholic guy! What the effers... I was driving to the meeting this morning, listening and singing this song all the way to town. I ended up reminiscing about the guy. I don't know why; maybe I am laying his memory to rest. My mind was in deep thought of him. His eyes and his voice, the way his mouth tasted. Oh gosh, here I go again... One of the memories I am about to tell you is intimate. So, if you have virgin eyes and want to keep your mind clean, do not continue to read.

When I was with him the last time, this was his birthday. We were intimate at his place; it was fun. We had just got back from playing our game of stop and go. We were so into each other that we had our moment outside his place. He lives in the country, so there are hardly any public bystanders. Except for far away neighbors, I enjoy having risky fun, like almost getting caught doing something like sex. I don't know why; I suppose it's the thrill of it all. The closeness of him on top of me was so sexy and hot. Both of us sweating on each other. I whispered in his ear, and he whispered in mine, kissing each other and holding each other close. I held him tight like I wanted him to enter my soul. He'd ask me a question, and I'd whisper softly in his ear, begging him. Telling him in my soft voice, "Be gentle, baby... Will you be nice to me?" His response was agonizing, "Yes," he said, "I will be gentle," in return, I whispered into his ear, "Promise, baby?" I held him close and pushed him deep inside me as much as possible. He finally engaged in a relieved sound... his sweat dripped on my face as he moaned. I just looked at him and wiped his face and forehead. He removed himself from me, and his face was as if he was speechless. He smiled and shook his head. He said, "I don't know about you," all I could say was, "What do you mean?" I smiled at him; he walked over to his place and stood in front of a fan blowing in his face, smiling. I held his hand and said, "You are so sexy." 

After our encounter, I left to give him some time to do his work around his house. I let him do his work, our last close intimacy of almost spiritual connection. This was the memory I was thinking about this morning while driving to my meeting. I would have everything to do with this man if he didn't drink so much alcohol; his drinking always ruined everything. If I could only get what I want. It's never that easy, and it is never fair. This song brings to my mind all the memories of being close to him, especially the last time I was with him. For some reason, I know I'll encounter him someday. Or maybe he will finally find that woman he has always wanted. I suppose putting the memory to rest is good. If you read my memory of intimacy and think I'm a weirdo, then so be it. But can you honestly think that even your memories don't bring up intimate, sexy encounters like mine? Sometimes, it just sneaks into your mind to remind you of what was and is to come. Life goes on, and we take the memories with us to enjoy what we had one time in our lives.

Realization Of Myself

As a fifty-year-old woman, I realized the worth of myself. The dating scene has taught me valuable insights about who I am. The last guy continues to text me, but I am not persuaded by him like before. I thought for a while that he was a soul tie. However, it turned out he was not. He continued to text me last night into the early morning hours of this morning. I responded once last night, stating that I was not interested and was out. I had told him this before; I suppose he thought he could convince me. In reality, his drinking caused him to continue with ongoing text messages. The only time I get these messages is when he has been drinking. Sometimes I respond, and sometimes I do not. You might think it is wrong for me to keep him on my phone; my reason is that I want to know that he is still alive and well. Also, if he needs someone to talk to or decides to seek help in becoming sober, I would like to keep that line open. The thing about me is I like to give the benefit of the doubt or chance to help in any way I can give help to someone I know. I may not completely know him, but I can see his struggle. I used to be him; I can relate. In my blog, I mentioned him, and the night I was with him. That night, he was very intoxicated, and I ended up taking care of him. That was a crazy night, and I didn't want him to screw up his work schedule for the week because of his drinking.

When I was with him on this particular night, it was like watching who I was. I was taking care of who used to be me. It's crazy to think that way, but it's true. When I was with him, I was not annoyed with him; I was more nurturing to him. I knew while I was with him that this would not work out. When intoxicated, he wants things I can not give him. The things he desires are more than what I can handle; they are dark requests. In my eyes, they are dark; they have the presence of evil. When I was with him in one of our encounters, I fought with the demons to continue or stop. In my mind, I wanted to stop. I was not comfortable with what he wanted me to do. Why I did the things he wanted me to do was like a pattern I was in in my last relationship. I am the kind of person who likes to please men. It is a terrible trait; when I was an alcoholic, I was worse. But since I am sober now, I recognize it better and take hold of it before it takes hold of me. This morning, I felt empowered that I stated what I stated in my text messages to him. Although, I am thankful he isn't the kind of guy who is narcissistic. He doesn't give that notion at all. This man is hurt by his past, and according to my observations, he likes to watch women degrade themselves to satisfy him due to the woman who hurt him in his marriage. He stated that his ex-wife hurt him, and I am guessing emotionally. I understand that it's terrible to be hurt by your former spouse. I don't think that they get along at all. I am not sure to what extent. The only thing I hope is that he eventually finds someone safe to help him heal. 

Having stated my observations of him, his situation is relatable to me. As I was in the past, I wanted men to hurt; I wanted to break their hearts because my ex-husband broke mine. The weird thing was when I was with him while he was getting drunk, I didn't feel the urge or the want to drink. I wanted to be sober for him. I wanted to be aware of what was happening; I suppose I was thinking of keeping myself and him safe. Sober-mindedness is so different than the intoxicated mind. I know this morning he is out like a light and hung over. I hope he is doing well, and I hope he rests well today. The night after is always the worst stage; I hope he will change how he is. My hope is that he will recognize what is actually happening to him and that he will seek out help. I also hope he does it for his kids, not anyone else. Alcohol is the worst when you've been through a challenging, hurtful event in life. It doesn't cure anything at all; it just makes it worse.

When I met this guy, he made me mad. I left angry at him, and he just kept reaching out to me to hang out. The same day I cussed him out, I thought that would do it, and I would never hear from him again. Nope. He continued to contact me; I met him a few times and was almost in love with him. However, I knew this would never work unless he was sober. Even then, it might not even work, either. I was attracted to him. I loved the attention that he gave me. I loved how he treated me during the first couple of meetings until it turned crappy. His eyes and his voice were the two things that drew me close to him. It's a remarkable thing how humans can be attracted to one another. The chemistry of it all, that is the thing about dating at my age, is our differences and compatibility. So the beginning was wonderful, except he wouldn't return the messages I left him. I started to feel the feelings of attachment and resentment, of almost jealousy feelings. I didn't want to feel the abandonment of him messaging other women. When I start to feel this way, I engage in other ways to avoid feeling this way. Getting on dating apps and meeting new men to take away the feeling of abandonment. This is when I met my Texan man. It was over two weeks of not hearing from him. So, I took it upon myself to go out and meet someone else. I was thankful that I did. However, being in this pattern, I was hesitant to be with this Texan man, not thinking he really wanted to be with me; I was with the other guy on one occasion. This was the last time I was going to be with him; it was his birthday, and he messaged me to spend some time with him on his day. I still had lingering feelings for him and thought I needed to get them out and get it over with. So I did what any stupid woman would do: I met him. Spent the day playing our stop-and-go game in broad daylight out on the county roads and being persuaded to drive topless for him. It was fun to spend the afternoon with him. He had some things to do at his place, so I left to go fishing, and he wanted me to return to him in the later evening. I wanted to, but he requested something dark from me. I told him, "No." I was uncomfortable with his request; he started drinking and asked me to do things that were so not me. I just could not do it. I don't want to do it. I was at my wit's end with him. I let him know that I was out; I didn't want to see him anymore. That was it for the time being, until last night and the night before, he texted me to be with him. I let him know that I was out. I didn't want to see him anymore. 

I look at what I am writing; it is a realization of who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. In my blog, I explain myself as real and true to others and to myself. Women can tell other women to be true to themselves and not give it away; be a WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE. Give me a break; not all women were created equal, and we were not created to be one way. Some of us struggle with sex, which I think we all struggle with. We fight tooth and nail to be good and perfect, but we can't. I struggle with many things; however, I realize that the last guy taught me that I am valuable. I finally realized this. It took me half a century to realize my worth! I suppose by placing myself in this brief relationship and mind you, we did have a relationship. It may not have been long-term, but we had an attachment. It was a valuable lesson that I am thankful for. I am thankful for this man, unfortunately, someone with a long road ahead of him, and I pray he stops drinking. He seeks counseling and becomes a better man for his children and himself. I hope the woman he meets will love him through all of it. That is my hope and prayer for him because he was a blessing in my life. This blog entry might ease the self-destruction of women who put themselves down because they are not perfect. Do not think that you are nothing, that your life isn't getting better when, in all actuality, it is. It is being perfected each day you wake up from your slumber. It just takes time to be who you were meant to be. 

Seasons Change and It's Lovely

I have so much on my mind right now. I am in the process of cleaning my yard. Then I have my exam that I must study for; my ADHD weighs heavy on my mind. I do one thing and then start another; it's so annoying. I need to have a huge billboard in front of me, a list of things to start with. I need a map to look at and direct me on my tasks in my yard, my life, and other things that I need to get done. Now, my allergies are bothering me! I can't get anything right and done. I just want to scream... sometimes, this is why I need a man, a partner, to help me get things done. I wasn't even good when I was married, either. There are some things in my area of life that I am working on. One thing that weighs heavy on my mind is that what if I meet my partner for life? Am I going to be a wonderful wife? Will I be capable of doing a wife's duty at home? I shouldn't worry about the future and how I would be if I were a wife again. Things that make you stop and question everything... Really crazy. I think it's a process for me to examine and generate a list to appease my mind. Lists, an accountability tool. It's what I always need. 

Today is when the air is crisp, and the weather is perfect. I love this time of the year. In my tribe, we are preparing for winter stories and shoe games. I have never practiced the season change to participate in the winter stories and shoe games. I watch the way they continue the culture in the way they do things in the winter. It seems they try to put in their community gatherings as much as possible at the end of the season. I love the way my tribe celebrates the change of seasons. It is always so eventful this time of the year. It is so beautiful at the end of summer, and everyone is rushing around to prepare things. Things like the Navajo Fairs and the huge parades that they have. Walking around the vendors and looking at their creations is so much fun. The food is amazing, and there are a lot of fresh veggies and food trucks. The food trucks usually have fry bread, mutton stew, mutton burgers, and reg Navajo burgers with green chilies. The green chilies are usually Hatch Green Chilies from the Hatch farms in New Mexico. Everything is perfect, full of heritage and pride for who we are. There are also tons of delectable breads from other tribes, Pueblo and Hopi. 

The fairs usually have nighttime activities; for kids and families, active carnivals go on into the night. Then there are the pow-wow dances; they have dancers that travel from all across the United States. It is so much fun to attend a pow-wow. The ceremonial events are active through the night as well. The Ye'ii Bi Cheii's are roaming the streets before and during the fair, collecting money in change to dollar bills. They offer discipline to give our children, and usually, the kids are terrified of them. If you ever saw a Ye'ii Bi Cheii, you would be uncomfortable, too. But it's fun to watch the kids get scared. They straighten up pretty quick, all for a dollar. 

I follow a Navajo Medicine Man on YouTube who teaches much about our culture. In this video I shared under the image, he explains the Ye'ii Bi Cheii. If you want, you can learn the teachings of what our culture is about. There are amazing things he mentions, and it is so informative. I love the Beauty Way, the Hozho Way, and the Blessing Way; this is part of our life. It's a brilliant teaching of what we are to do in our daily lives, to live peacefully and direct on our paths as we live. 

There is so much going on with my Reservation right now. Sometimes, I wish I could be there. Maybe I am thinking that I might go to the Shiprock Fair instead. I am very familiar with the way the schedule of events happens. I am debating at the moment whether or not I want to go. My friend from Texas (Who I have mentioned before) might be interested in going with me. I will need to ask him if he is interested in participating in this huge event with the Navajo Nation. He mentioned that he would like to learn and know more about our Navajo culture. I hope it works out; maybe I can attend the fair and get some mutton this year. I love mutton; the way they prepare the mutton, the stews they prepare, and the fry bread is nothing like mine. It is ten times better. 

All this talk about the change in season has got me hungry for mutton and fry bread. One of the things I am so proud to be and actually be blessed to be created is to be a Navajo woman. I love my culture, and I love the people. I am sure you can relate to being a part of a culture. I know some of us are not full-blood of a race. I also know that race is one thing that is a touchy issue. However, I do not care; I am a Navajo woman. I belong to a particular race of people and am proud of that, regardless of what Western society says about race and identity. Lastly, my yard is complete for the day, not perfect, but complete for now. 

The Secret Life I Have, Just Kidding...

There isn't anything great about my life, I often think does my life help others in their lives right now? Maybe, I kind of hope so at least. There are areas of my life that I like. Just recently I am very attracted to the Texan man who I am dating. He will soon be here in his temporary home, he has enjoyed his life back home where he belongs. Which is in Texas, Houston to be exact. I don't blame him, that is where his family and friends are. He is expected to arrive back in our area on Monday... I think. I am excited to see him, to spend some quality time with him, laughing, kissing, and just being handsy. I like that of him, he is not shy to take my hand and take me wherever. I didn't think that I would feel comfortable in my skin to allow such closeness. Maybe it's because he's from Texas, or maybe he is someone who I can relate to because he is a safety man in construction. It is very familiar to me. In any case, I am comfortable with the man. 

The last time we chit-chatted in his bedroom, we lay there just talking and reminiscing about the construction days. I told him what I used to do on the pipeline with my ex husband. It was a good conversation laying with his dog and playing fetch with her as she played in front of me. Anyway, there was a spark in my eyes, I was very intrigued by him, I couldn't believe I was with a safety man. We talked about welders, they're pretty snobby at times. I laugh at that because it's hilarious to know that we both feel the same about them. Is it bad that he reminds me of my ex-husband? The only thing different about him is that this man is sober, he is sober! He doesn't drink alcohol and he has a full head of hair. I am laughing out loud at the hair thing. I have to say, there is something about men from Texas, I kind of like them. The traits of such a man are really nice, I adore the way he moves his hands when he talks to me and then reaches over to me and pulls me close to him. It's very sexy. 

I love the way he can't stop kissing me on the lips, he likes to kiss me, and he is so sensual. I guess, I really missed the attention of a man who actually pays attention to me. If I am standing away from him, he gets me from behind and holds me. Just sweet, the first time I met him we kissed forever in the Starbucks parking lot, it was amazing. He picked me up and held me in the air like he was going to carry me away. It was a perfect night. I wanted to spend more time with him, but he had to leave and rest for the next day for work. The next day was text messages of, "Where do you want to meet? Pick a place, I don't care where it is." I have to admit there was a lot of pressure to pick a place. I did, this time it was at our local burger and brewery place in town. When I met him after he got off work he came up to me on Main Street and held me and kissed me. He called me baby, and darling. How Texan is that? We were flying off the seat of our pants that night, it was an amazing night. It was fun, he was so sweet, and every time we would leave each other, it was always, "Text me when you get home." When I go on dates, I never get that from men, "Text me when you get home." It took some time to remember to actually text him when I got home. He would gently remind me, "Did you make it home?" I would frantically text him, "Yes, I made it home baby." Now, I think I got the hang of it, I do let him know I am home safe. 

I am not sure how things will continue, but soon he will leave and I will be alone again. I can't imagine my life like that. Lately, these days are arriving quickly and sooner than yesterday. It goes by so fast that I am trying to keep my mind sharp by remembering the details of each day. Now, those days come and go, and I find myself just etching the memories into my brain to remember everything in the human body. To the structure of faces and the touch of a hand on my skin, the taste of a kiss, and the warmth of a long hug. I keep the picturesque of the eyes that pierce into my soul in my eyes when they meet each other. This week was tough to have those memories of a man close to me. But it is what it is, and life goes on. Well, there are always dating apps, I suppose after he leaves I will have to download the fifty and over dating apps. I think it's about time to face the music of fifty and over dating.

What an Eye Opening Notion... Sobriety

To make things clear, there are no wrong or right ways of living, except to try to do good. Also, try to do good to people you know. However, some people are not that way, they don't want to be good to others and they lack the treatment of seeing them as the valuable humans that God created. I suppose it's hard to treat people with value, it's different when it comes to being kind to others. However, it is ten times harder to fathom the notion of treating others with respect when you've been drinking and smelling like a brewery. Feelings of this and that and forming some kind of illusion for yourself by using someone else does not always work. I really hate being used by people whom I consider a friend. It's very disappointing to be treated unfairly. It doesn't make any sense to do that to people. I mean, I am not the ultimate flavor of the town by any means at all. There is nothing great about me, except that I have feelings that should get me in tons of trouble. I catch myself though, then realize "Oops" reframe yourself, woman! 

Some time ago, this fellow I knew seemed to scheme in a lot of things, this one time he had persuaded me to meet him and talk and just have conversations. I roll my eyes at what I just stated... This man is such a man who also drinks, and I ask myself why is this man not with another woman like I told him to. So the chit-chat turns into him drinking and returning text messages on his phone, my thoughts were that he was texting his boss or coworkers to get a lineup of work the next day. Nope... He shows me the text. I look at it like, "What the fuck? Are you trying to make a woman jealous by coercing me to be here?" His eyes were starting to gleam glassy like the beginnings of drunk goggles. I immediately picked up my purse and keys along with my phone and proceeded to walk out. I yelled at him, "Fuck you and your friend! You trying to play me?" I left, thinking that the woman was going to be arriving soon. I don't like to be staged in a trap. It was a lesson well learned. I was never to be persuaded to just hang out and enjoy the company of a drinker. You see the mind of a person who drinks does not know what he/she does. Initially, it is all about themselves. As I drove off into the dusk of the evening, I literally beat myself in the head to state many unkind words said to myself.

Nothing is far from the truth of a person who doesn't act humble or kind as one who becomes selfish and neglects others in the process. Alcohol does not help a person just get out of their shell. Yeah, they are funny and they can be silly. However, there are consequences to consuming an over-abundant amount of alcohol. Please note, that in my experience as a former alcoholic, I was not a good drunk. At times I was enjoying life drinking, and then the blackout sessions would proceed, I have no idea why I am not dead from blacking out or in prison. I should have had plenty of DUIs but I did not get one, I think God protected me along the way. Alcohol is not kind to people, there is a lie that is attached to the beauty of what alcohol can offer. Such as taking away the pain. Whether it is the pain of a broken heart, pain that is chronic pain, due to the limited amount of pain pills distributed to you. Mainly the broken heart, the ruining of a relationship usually the culprit to substance use tends to make it all better. Initially, it is just a band-aid that is a short-term cover. This can be of any relationship that was ruined or taken away. Mine was influenced by a broken heart and the loss of an important person in my life. But, it isn't that easy to quit the abuse of alcohol. The mind is where it starts. 

In my mind I was driven toward my children, I remember the first time I realized it. I was in bed early in the morning and my kids were still up at 1:00 am along with me. I was having my last drink of my wine... I think that night I had at least two bottles of wine. Then I had to work in the morning at 6:30 am, I was not looking forward to the day of working. However, there was a glimpse of my children as they went in and out of the bathroom. My door was open, and I could hear them laughing and talking. I lay there with the hallway light illuminating my face. I put down the glass of wine and just held my pillow, I was miserable. I saw my babies and remembered who they were. I looked at myself and thought, I need to stop this. It was the image of my kids, the sounds of their voices that hit me hard in my heart. I didn't like the way I felt when I got up in the morning, my head hurt, my body hurt, I was glassy eyed and I'm sure I reeked of the smell too. 

I headed to work, still drunk, still trying to sober up so I could get through the workday. Sometime during the morning, I was talking to my boss, It was the time of COVID and there was no school, the kids were home, but the custodian staff were able to work a bit to ensure the safety of the classrooms. I sat there cleaning the chairs with sanitation cleaner and I just poured my heart out to my boss. I let her know that I was still drunk, I let her know that I need to sober up and I wanted to quit this shit. I cried and she held me, she let me know that everything was going to be okay. She told me we needed to go to her office, I went with her, and she gave me a drink of juice from the jar of green olives stuffed with garlic. It had plenty of brine in it that helped in the process of sobering me up. She didn't want me to get in trouble, so she was trying to help me in any way that she could, then she sat me down and told me that I had a decision to make. The decision to either get sober and stay sober or continue to do what I am doing. In my mind, I needed to become sober, I wanted that. So after a little bit, she sent me home and let me know that I could go home sick. So I left home and slept. Then when I woke up I went to my kitchen opened the refrigerator took out the bottles of wine and Jim Beam whisky and dumped them down the sink. My son stood beside me and watched me in horror, that was funny because he kept asking me what I was doing. All I said to him was that I was through with this shit, I'm done. On that day of May 4, 2020, I started my journey of sobriety. It was a tough road to deal with, I experienced depression and body aches at times and the anxiety that comes with withdrawals. Even my daughter experienced the withdrawal of me not drinking anymore. She was confused and lost because I wasn't starting a fight with her, I wasn't getting angry at her. It was like she wanted me to become angry at her, it was a pattern of ours, we fought all the time. The day that I quit drinking alcohol was also the day I quit getting angry with my baby girl. I started to tell my kids I love them, every day, every moment I was telling them I loved them. I continue by stating "I love yous" to my kids.

Today, I am 3 years, 4 months, 2 days, 19 hours and 7 minutes sober... I have an app that helps me know this. My day journey started on May 4, 2020, and I want to continue on this path of staying sober. It was one of the hardest decisions to make, I started to back off from friends who drink and party. There are times I do admit that I want to buy a bottle of wine, or a cold beer with lime, or a margarita on the rocks with salt. But, I let myself know that if I start, I may not quit and I will probably lose everything. I don't want to lose everything, I don't want to lose myself either. I want to be healthy and happy. I do pray for the guy that I used to know, I hope he finds sobriety and becomes happy again. That is what I want for you too if you struggle with substance abuse. 

My New Unexpected Hobby

Over the weekend, I went van camping by myself and tried my hand at fly fishing. What a wonderful sport! I was thinking to myself, why in the world hadn't I done this years ago? One of the things that I am doing now is finding things to fill my time with. As a new hobby, I have my knitting, but I want something that entails something healthy and fun, something that entails a mindful and relaxing sport. I mean this past weekend really wasn't about catching the biggest fish, although it was on my mind to possibly catch a trout. I wasn't that lucky, however, I enjoyed the whole process, and the whole pushover on fly fishing. You know, I have a favorite author that I love, it's Ernest Hemmingway, I think it's the reason in the past I loved drinking alcohol is because of him. I know it's crazy, but he was a rebellious nature, so smart and intelligent too. He attracted me to the mental issues of being a human being with so much going on in his brain that the only way to release is to write. I have always wanted to be a writer, however, I didn't have the skill to be one, so I think writing an entry into a blog kind of helps in the dream I have. Fly fishing was his pastime and also drinking whisky, the finest whisky, and smoking the finest cigars, he was a very admirable man. He was a passionate man in fishing and was a romantic in the ladies, he wrote about women as if he loved every one of them. It seemed he didn't take them for granted. I was always attracted to men like Ernest Hemmingway, some may have not been avid fishermen, but they were rebellious. 

In this new hobby of mine, I know there is a long road in front of me, I need to know the mind of the fish. Where do they swim, how do they maneuver in the river, do they keep in one area for a long time, or do they just keep swimming downstream? So many questions I have and what are the specifics of becoming a fly fisherwoman. I follow many young women on Instagram who have mastered this sport and they are amazing young ladies who fish. They catch the largest fish in the waters and it is very cool. The technique of this sport also interests me, I think trying this and just doing it is something to be said. At my age, there are things in life where in my younger days I thought of trying but never went through the process of actually doing it. However, since I turned 50 years old, it seems as though my mind and body want to do all the things I have always wanted to do and try. I want to paddle board, and I want to hike to an area where I can camp and fish. All these awesome things young ones are doing now, and I am late in my game, but who isn't. I already ran 1/2 marathons and it was the last time I did that, I still want to run some 10k races and maybe one more of the 1/2 marathons. I just have to be consistent, keep a record, a goal at the prize, or the accomplishment I want. 

Our minds are so interesting and so full of ideas, that often we tend to put them on the back burner. Why is it so hard to keep consistent? I have no idea... However, there has to be something that can kind of cure us of that. This morning when I woke up from my slumber I happened to see the WhatsApp messages. In it, there was a notification from the creator. I watched the suggested video for the use of the app. They came up with the idea of creating videos or voice messages to yourself. It's a way to remind yourself of notes, of things to do, and for grocery lists. I thought it was interesting, so I created a voice message to myself to remind myself of what I needed to do today. The only problem is actually noticing the message you sent to yourself to actually see what needs to be done on a day. If it isn't one thing it's another, a reminder for yourself to actually look at the reminder you made for yourself. That is very humorous. Time is the key, the willingness within the brain to forcefully be reminded and stick with it. I suppose it's no different than creating a consistent regimen to go to the gym and do your workouts every day.

Thus, this goes back to wanting to learn something like fly fishing and just be consistent to learn, but I think this sport does get addicting. I didn't think it would, so being consistent really does not pertain to learning this sport. Because, I actually really enjoy being outside and being in the water, wadeing and casting in the evenings of the sunsets. It makes me happy.

Dang It, I thought it was a Game

Whenever you think dating is just as regular thing, the shit hits the fan. So the guy whom I'm dating took me out to dinner one night, we ate a Mexican restaurant in my little town. While looking at the menu, I mentioned that my daughter told me, "That's not right..." because I was gonna eat with my date. Then my date from Texas told me to order what she wants. I looked at him like... What? I was very surprised that he wanted to buy my daughter food. Of course he looked at me confused, then he said, "Well, girl gotta eat... Right?" I was just amazed that he did what he did. He got me, one of the things I didn't think could get me, got me. However, I am convinced that I am not going to allow myself to think that I am going to feel anything for him. I mean it's nice to have emotional feelings. But, at the same time it can be troubling, especially when he is going to leave in a year and off he goes. 

How do women deal with such a short term kind of thing? I have no idea, my last guy who years ago was in construction and from Texas, asked me to go with him. I took what I could and left with him, we struggled on our journey, with drinking and drugs and then some. However, we ended up going our own ways which was not fun at all. Even though it was not what I expected and it was the toughest time in my life to deal with, however, I am glad I left Moab when I did. Now, that it’s behind me, and been tough to carry on with life, but I did it the best I knew how to do it. Certain things such as the hurt that I experienced from the last marriage. Did I want it to hinder my life by getting into another relationship that would cause more damage? I think not, besides I have my kids. However, along the way I tried, I tried to be in a relationship, but it didn’t work out. The last one was a joke, it wasn’t even a relationship, I thought it was, but he didn’t think so. One of the worst mistakes of my life, but it was one of the most valuable lessons to learn from. Take for instance the last man I dated, well, tried to get into a consistent thing, not even that was going to happen. I roll my eyes at that one, this was not even anything but a realization that this guy was the younger version of my worst mistake. As I drive to a fishing spot I realized this. 

Driving really helps in discovering what is going on in life. I ponder at the notion, and I ponder a lot, that certain outcomes in my life is just plain nonsense. Such as the notion to the soul tie that I had with the last guy I dated a month or so ago. Even while dating this, or seeing this man, there were sparkles in my eyes for him. He was a drunk, a drinker of alcoholic beverages, and it would get out of hand. He told me because he was bored, I can understand that, because I get bored too, and that was one of my downfalls . It consumed me like a blazing fire. I could not get a grip on that one, I saw that in him. When he would drink he was loving, kind and full of affection. I ate it all up, my body loved the way he gave me attention, his eyes were the brink of “Whatever he wanted me to do, I would do it” kind of eyes. I knew I recognized those eyes from somewhere! Yes, it was from my worst mistake, he was exactly like him, and when I realized it, I immediately said, “No more” I am not going to go through that crap again. That is exactly what I did, I stood my ground and let him go. 

The next thing I thought of while driving was the notion that this man from Texas, he doesn’t treat me this way, he is genuine. Like he treats me like a human being, I am not anything but a human being. It is something that astonishes me. I really can’t get over being treated like this, it’s like accepting Jesus into your heart and realizing He is the living God. Except this Texan man isn’t Jesus. It’s a metaphor… okay. Anyway, this man is emotionally available, that is the difference! The emotionally availability part of a person is what the difference is. The soul tie? It means I am yearning for the availability of the person who is not returning the response, so waiting and texting him and calling him and making myself crazy is what happens. For me, I don’t call or do anything crazy like that. I just text, but he doesn’t return any of it and he may look at it, but he does not respond. He’s an asshole about it and probably rolls his eyes at it or at me. I am not sure how the Texan responds behind the glass of the phone, but at least he responds and he apologizes to me about returning my text messages later than usual. It’s the response of the Texan that is so sweet and very appreciative. I feel like a human being, like I matter, and that is a great feeling. 

Is He going to Text me? Will I See Him Again?

I know in time when I read this entry of a blog again, I will giggle and put my hand over my mouth while I think... "What the hell was wrong with ME?" Oh yes, it is this kind of life I am living and experiencing again. It's crazy that at my new age of fifty years old, I would have to live again through something that I thought was going to be a lesson. I suppose lessons never die, they just get interesting as you live through it again. It's almost like a game that I am supposed to refer back to when I was younger and had to figure out what to do. Life has interesting insights to admire, I've noticed at my age that the mental notes in my head do exist. I have a file cabinet of notes in my brain that have sections of experiences of life that in each file I pull out there are post-it notes stuck to it. Reminding me that next time do it this way, or scratch that this part or that part. Then there are the BOLD letters that state those words to refrain from doing this ever again!

Currently, at this time I am referring to those mental notes and just keeping my cool, even though sometimes I wanna lose it from time to time. I have mentioned a particular man in my life to whom I am not seeing, not sure if he will contact me again through text messages, but maybe. There was a common connection of attraction. Mine was intense toward him, I know that if I were in a relationship I would run to him all the time if he called or texted. It's sad really, it's sad that a person can have that kind of effect on another person! Something, that I could never understand that the human brain has no control over. But there is the free will of choice we were given. I know that is something that is true, we all possess that free will of choice. So right now I am drinking my coffee and listening to my concentration music while I am writing. The only thing that I am thinking is about this man. I think about his eyes, and his voice, and I can still taste the mixes of his mouth. They are usually Copenhagen and his natural salivating juices. Is that not just completely weird! I mean it was a week ago since I saw him? I am initially fucked, to put it bluntly.

However, I am using this crazy thing to learn from and how to get through this without hurting anyone else in the process, except myself. I mean it's okay that I hurt in this process because it's me, I created this web of nonsense that is reigning in my mind. I'd rather be hurt in the process because I think I have the ability to get over it. This current man that I am seeing has let me know that I agreed to see him when I knew the consequences. Yes, I agreed to it, but now in the process, I am grieving for the guy that I really want. So last night I was talking to this man whom I am currently seeing and the way he talks and converses is interesting to me. It's as if he likes that he can travel and meet women and see them for a little bit till he has to go to another job, then leave the woman behind. While I listened to him he told me that it was on me to get over it, Initially in my brain, it captured a game. A game on his end to proceed in life and enjoy the yearning of a woman who will cry and weep like a baby when he leaves. He's nice, but he's an asshole too, which he does admit, so I don't feel bad that he said it first. I mean I am too... anyway, it was not a very processing conversation for me. because I want to play the men's game too. I mean I am not modest, I never claimed to be the perfect sweet woman, I play the part though. I guess, I was a bit unhinged, a bit like okay, why not have something on the side while I am with you, Then when you leave it won't be that bad. Because that is the way my brain is thinking. I'm not impressed with money or possessions anyway, I am okay with never seeing another person again. Sometimes, when people talk to people it doesn't make any sense to a person who is lived through a lot of bullshit. Well, time to get ready for my day, I think the coffee hit the spot. I might take another moment to reflect again and write. 

Morning Coffee Thoughts

It's another day and this morning I was late waking up. But, I had my coffee and I think I am ready to go. While I was  preparing my morning coffee, I was thinking of the men that I wrote about last night. One of the things that came to my mind was the ages of the men I’m attracted to. It used to be that I was attracted to younger men in their twenties, and thirties. I think I've finally, sort of matured to date within the range of my age. Forty-year-old men have a lot to offer, they seem to be laid back, they know what they want, they have experience, and they seem to have a drive that is really sexy. Grant it, some can be annoying, but overall they’re fun, I have yet to experience someone my own age, as I laugh and smile at this statement. I received a morning text message from the guy I am dating now. When relationships seem to be an idea, and it seems to be something that would be for the other person, not me... I have to admit I love his morning text messages. I love that he texts me and calls me "sweetheart" and I text back and call him "baby". It has been a moment, but this is a wonderful intimacy. 

Knowing that this is temporary is good for me, I can understand that life goes on. I don't know if it's the sobriety that is making me have sense in life or if it's the age of myself. But I try not to take things so personally anymore. It used to be that it was exhausting, and very tasking to feel all the time and then get angry and then sad. I used to say, "Why can't I have a relationship with a real man?" I realized there is no such thing as a real man. A man in my mind was a fantasy of what I daydreamed about, there is no prince charming, or the perfect guy. I realized that men are human beings that have challenges as I do, they may handle it much better than me, but they are battling things I don't understand. When men don't message me back after I have messaged them, I tend to leave it silent and move on. I would like to keep my relationship with men after we meet. To keep it as long-lasting as possible, you never know, you might need them for something important. It's good to keep it kind of solid as possible. 

There are a lot of challenges in living in today's world, the one thing that gets me is the fact that men are losing their place in this world. However, I get really happy when I see a man stand up for themselves and know exactly what they want. I suppose being an asshole isn't so bad, it keeps the country strong, I love a humble and strong man. It makes a sexy guy that I would want to be with for the rest of my life. I suppose I have always been attracted to funny, strong, beautiful assholish men. I am smiling while I am typing this line. I am thinking of the last two men I was with, currently the one of the two I'm dating. But, it's so enlightening to know that there are men that exist with this kind of trait. 

If women totally understood men, it would be boring. Life would essentially be a boring space in the world. I don’t know much about men, I confess I do get frustrated with them, but I guess it is as it should be. I shouldn’t have to understand them, just love them as they are, and support them as much as possible. As you can see I love men, I really appreciate them a lot. Someday I hope that I can meet someone who is wonderful and makes me laugh and loves me till the end of time. It’s a dream of mine, and I am keeping it, and it will happen. 

The New Light In a Relationship

Sometimes there are encounters that seem would be something as a regular thing. In my brain, I have seen dating life as the kind of thing where meeting someone who is just a guy would last for a moment. Admittingly, I will tell you that I date just to be with men. Honestly, I date to feel the closeness of men close to me, skin-to-skin and kissable. Have I thought of a long-term thing? At times there were a few that made me think, maybe this time I could. Honestly, I didn't think it would be possible to have something like that. Especially, for myself, as I have stated my dating life consists of no long-term ideal situations such as a relationship. The short-term relationships that I have had have always been a secretive kind because I was always used to being the one kept in the dark. Always calling on me when they needed me, I am used to that. Never, had I had an encounter where I would be seen with someone and enjoy it!

Aside from the past men who kept me in their rooms as I knew it, it was the kind of life I was content with. It was going to be the norm in my life, due to the fact that I didn't think I could experience a public kind of engagement. I have had two of these men in my life who wanted to be seen with me in public, the other one who is not my kind of guy, I wished he was, only because I liked him and enjoyed him. I mentioned he is the difficult one whom I have called my soul tie. Unfortunately, he is, and has the little side activity of drinking alcohol from time to time, but is totally fun to be with. I think that is what makes it tough to try to forget him. To explain one of our escapades, there were crazy activities we would do. We have a game we would play while driving around town at night. He called it the stop-and-go game. Where I would stop at a stop light or stop sign and initially give him pleasure at the stop sign or light. Then he would let me know when it was time to go. We'd drive on the country roads to play this game in broad daylight and when night came we'd head to town to play stop-and-go. I have to admit, this was my favorite game. In other instances, he would persuade me to drive topless, his eyes made me do it. I don't know what it is about this guy, but he would say it and I would do it. But! I was careful not to do what made me feel uncomfortable, if it was not something I wanted he wouldn't push the issue anymore. Except this last time together and it was the last time, I was going to agree because his eyes and his voice were my downfall. We were supposed to do something together that involved another man. I thought it was something that I could do, something that I wanted. However, it was not. I chickened out of it and told him "no", that was the last time I was with him. 

Sometimes, when you encounter someone like this you think it's what you want, when in all actuality it is all about him. Do you know what the bad part of this is? It is that the guy could give two fucks about me. Right now, I am not even a thought in his brain or a feeling in his heart. It amazes me about human beings and granted, I am the same way, except when the guy has made a place into your soul it becomes hard to live. Yes, this man became my soul tie and it is difficult to kinda be with someone else, especially in the dating world. But good news! I am dating another man who is kind of breaking that cycle for me. The sad part of this is that he is only here for a while and then he goes back to Texas. This is where he is from and I met him on Tinder, great guy and so sweet with some sexy on top. I enjoy being with him, he is so funny and so adoring to me, he treats me like a queen. I have never met a man who treats me like a human being, I was not sure of him and how this was going to go down. The first week of meeting him was super fun, and I have to admit I am a live-on-the-edge kind of woman. We were together one night which was oblivious and very exciting and sexy. So, we ended up staying late out on Main Street, There were a few busy by-passers, but it was safe enough to make a quick steamy encounter in public. Have I ever done this before? I have had public encounters before. It can be exciting and very fun, my date had fun, to be clear he courted me for a week till we couldn't take it anymore. It was my most memorable moment with this nice guy. 

The dates continue and I am amazed at how comfortable I am with him. In the back of my mind, I know this is a temporary thing that we have, and then eventually he will go home and meet other women to date. Because he is in a job that keeps him busy with traveling from one place to another. I am preparing myself when the time comes, I have my heart intact at the moment, but I also know I am a free woman, I have opportunities to carry on. The one thing about this situation is that it is a good run at knowing that I am capable of being in a long-term relationship. I am thankful I met this man because if I had never met this man and allowed him to be with me, I would've never realized this amazing thing that I made it this far and I am ready for a relationship. So, really, this wonderful encounter is a blessing to me, he is a blessing to my life.