It is the End Again... Year I Mean.

Here is the end of the year, where gift-giving continues, stress from loved ones trying to outdo one another, and trees are ready to be mulched for new creations in the Spring. I am not fond of the end of the year; there is always something that limits my joy of Christmas. This year again, my car was almost nothing. I was given the gift of no vehicle, and trying to work out the kinks with work and planning visits with clients. A car is often considered the most valuable possession in a person's life, especially when it helps generate income. However, I have some wonderful mechanic friends who have helped me. It is now getting repaired, and I am waiting without frustration. I am just thankful it will be running again, for the time being. Other than that limitation of no car, things are good. I have my job that I am so thankful for, I have my boyfriend who is still in my life, and my kids are healthy and have good jobs. Nothing beats that kind of life, right? My boyfriend, who is in Texas, is blessed with his job, and I am continuing my prayers for him. 

My prayers for him are all that I have at the moment; he makes sure he checks in with my kids and me. One of the blessings is him. I am so thankful he is in my life. There are a lot of times when I get sad because I am not in his presence. I miss being in the same room as him, I miss standing beside him and watching him smoke his cigarette. I miss the way his hands touch mine, I miss the warmth of his skin, the details in the way his beard is corse and scrunchy. I miss his eyes, his eyes are so beautiful and so deep. It may seem crazy, but I miss how he lays in bed and I am laying with him, napping. I miss the snores when he sleeps. It is just the details of his presence I miss. There are moments I will picture him in my home, I picture him and Maggie hanging out in my home, and us lying together with Greyson in my bed watching TV and napping all day long. I picture myself making him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I hope someday he and Maggie will visit and stay with us. 

This year is another year where I am not going to celebrate the New Year with him; it is actually my dream to spend a holiday with him. But in time it will happen; our plans for us are uncertain, as they always are. However, I am going to be patient; I do enjoy the video chats every night. I love the text messages in the mornings that get my day started off beautifully. It is the only thing that keeps me hanging on and praying for him to continue in my life. Long-distance relationships are not for those who get lonely and need that presence of physical presence. Trust is the hardest for most. It used to be that I didn't trust enough; of course, the experience of betrayal was the one thing that kept me thinking that long distance was a bad idea. My love has made it comfortable for me. I love him so much for his heart and his trust, even in me. In the beginning, the unknown was exciting and scary. It has been so wonderful, he is one I don't think I can live without. I know I can't, I will be the saddest Navajo in my tribe. Fry bread and stew would not make me happy, even with green chili. That is how sad I would be if he were not in my life. I continue to pray over him, for favor in his job, for blessings beyond all comprehension, for what he desires that is right and justifiable in the eyes of the Lord. I know the Lord hears my prayers, because all that i pray for is answered before my eyes. 

Mental Health Reflection

The birds are singing outside more and more every day. It is so nice to see the seasons changing. I personally enjoy the time change and hope it stays permanent.

In my last entry, I was overwhelmed with depression. When I posted it, I felt the need to share the depth of my experience. Mental health is a serious issue, especially in today’s world, and I have found support within the company I work for. There was a turning point when I sincerely needed to talk to someone. Do you know the scary part? It’s how the mind can twist reality, convincing you of lies. I have battled with self-doubt and a lack of confidence, often taking others' words at face value and second-guessing myself. Through texts and emails, words can be misinterpreted, and even that can manipulate the mind.

It's a constant effort to remind myself not to take everything so seriously and to ignore the negative thoughts my mind conjures up. The mind can be a strange place, filled with unknown fears that can manifest into reality. I truly believe that having someone to talk to—someone who will simply listen—is a blessing. It acts as a form of mental and emotional purification, releasing negativity and offering healing. Speaking your thoughts out loud can be frightening, but it is a necessary part of the healing process.

Recently, I started reading a historical fiction novel about Sacajawea, and I am already on the fifth chapter. I am fascinated by the amount of research and dedication it took the author to craft this story. It took her ten years to write it, and her attention to detail is incredible. This novel paints a vivid picture of Sacajawea's resilience. As a young preteen, she endured the torment of being a slave to other tribes. Her journey was filled with unimaginable hardships, and yet she survived with remarkable strength. Her story puts my own struggles into perspective. If she could endure such trials, I can certainly manage my own.

Reading this book has ignited a newfound love for reading within me. It amazes me how an author can weave words together to create such powerful narratives. I aspire to write a book one day—a story that captures minds and provides comfort and inspiration, just as this book is helping me.

Another book that holds great value is the Bible. Some may view it as a purely religious text, but it also stands as a historical document filled with real events. Exploring the Bible has provided me with insight and encouragement. I would love to visit the places where these historical events took place, just as I would enjoy exploring the lands connected to Sacajawea's journey. Such trips would offer a deeper, tangible connection to these incredible stories.

I have also found comfort in positive affirmations. Recently, I came across one that resonated with me: "Each night before you go to bed, say these words: 'I know something wonderful will happen for me, to me tomorrow.' Then in the morning, repeat: 'I know something wonderful will happen for me, to me today.'" I have started saying these affirmations for myself, my kids, my boyfriend, my dad, and my family. And, of course, I circle back to myself.

I am grateful for this space to share my thoughts—from the struggles of my mind to the uplifting discoveries I encounter. I also cherish the love I have for my boyfriend and the journey of raising my children. Last night, I looked through old pictures of my kids and me, from their infancy to now. My daughter is soon to be 18, and my eldest is already 21. Time flies. The journey has not been easy. I have faced heartbreak and unexpected turns, but the outcome is beautiful, and I am thankful for where we are today.

I will continue to share my journey here as life unfolds. Thank you for reading, and I will be back with more soon. Have a wonderful day.

Confession of Me Today-Cry for Help... Maybe

Have you ever struggled in your mind before? Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that it seems like nothing is getting better? I have those days—and lately, the weight feels heavier than ever. I’m not sure if it’s because I allow things to get into my head and pull me down. Take work, finances, major decisions, and even caring for my aging animals, for example. I’ve been struggling with having just one income to rely on—I’m simply trying to make ends meet. It’s a constant battle. Whenever relief seems close, it slips away, leaving me more exhausted.

On top of everything, there’s pressure from my daughter. It’s her senior year—what should be the happiest and most exciting time of her life—but it hasn’t been. Instead, I feel bombarded by responsibilities, weighed down to the point where I sometimes just want to escape. I know I shouldn’t think this way, but my mind is full of regrets and self-criticism. Yesterday was especially hard. I had to work, but my thoughts were heavy and difficult to sort through. I hold myself to such high standards—sometimes too high—and I’m struggling to keep up with them. I don’t know how to make things better for myself.

Last night, I drove out into the country alone. Sitting in my car in the darkness, I broke down and sobbed. The thoughts running through my mind scared me. Sometimes, your own thoughts can be your worst enemy. Earlier in the day, while driving to meet a client to ensure she was receiving the care she needed, my mind wandered to Chris Cornell. Do you know who he is? He was the lead singer of Soundgarden and Audioslave—a close friend of Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder. At 52 years old, he decided to leave this world on his own. There’s been a lot of speculation about why he did it. Maybe the struggle to stay happy became too much. Maybe there were deeper wounds no one saw. I can only guess. But for me, I know this—I’ve often felt like a failure. I mean, I have both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree—wasn’t that supposed to make me feel accomplished? But no, it didn’t. I’m supposed to be happy with the life I’ve built, but I’m not. Somehow, life finds a way to bring anguish—lately, it’s felt relentless.

As I sat alone in my car, my thoughts became darker. For a brief moment, I wondered if leaving—like Chris did—was the answer. That moment terrified me. I burst into tears while driving, realizing I needed to talk to someone. These thoughts creep in when you least expect them. I didn’t even think this way when my ex-husband left me for another woman. My son was a sweet, chubby little boy back then, and I wanted to be there for him. He was my whole world, the reason I kept going. When my ex looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t love you anymore, and I don’t want you,” my only thought was, ‘Okay.’ And I moved on. I was determined. I made plenty of mistakes along the way, but the best choices I ever made were my son and my daughter. If I could go back, I would relive those moments—carrying them in my belly, hearing their first cries. Even when I thought I’d be alone in the hospital after giving birth to my daughter, God sent angels to my side. I wasn’t alone after all. The best feeling is when God shows up just when you need Him most.

Last night, I called the suicide hotline. It’s hard to admit, and honestly, it’s embarrassing. I didn’t want to call my boyfriend—he’d have too many questions, and I didn’t want to explain myself. I didn’t want to look weak. I tried calling people I know, but no one answered. The hotline was what I needed at that moment, but I know I need more. Today, my mission is to get through work, let my boss know I need to make some calls, and reach out for help. I need to talk to someone who will pray with me—who will hold my hand and lift these burdens with me. Right now, the weight of the world feels too heavy, and I can’t carry it alone anymore.

It's FINALLY March! I Get To See You Sweetheart...

It’s the end of February, and March is just around the corner! I couldn’t be more excited because I’ll finally get to see my Texas. I’m heading to Houston for three much-needed days—to soak up the closeness and kisses I’ve been missing. March is shaping up to be a busy month, filled with travels and special moments.

In addition to Houston, I’ll also be heading to California to visit my aunt—my mom’s sister. It’s my daughter’s Spring Break, her last one, which makes this trip even more meaningful. Every year, we travel to Phoenix, AZ, but this year, we’re switching things up and heading to the beaches of California to spend time with her grandma. It’s become a tradition we cherish. I also have an older son—he’s 21 years old. While he’s not joining us on these trips, he has his own adventures. He’s sweet and thoughtful, making long trips just to see his girlfriend. I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s become.

The excitement doesn’t stop there—right after returning from California, I’ll be off to Denver to catch a flight to see my love again. I can’t wait! I have to admit, I’ve never been this excited for a month. Every time we’re together, it feels special. Some days, we’re perfectly content just being lazy at home with the animals—and honestly, those are some of my favorite moments. You’d think a woman like me would want to be spoiled with fancy things, but no—not me. All I want is to be close to the man I love, to feel him, kiss him, and share in those simple, intimate moments. And while there’s more I love about being with him, let’s just say some things are best left unspoken.

As the days draw closer to seeing him again, the intensity between us only grows. I love how we both feel the same—eager to be together, to share our time, and to simply exist in each other’s presence. Our relationship reminds me of my grandparents. My grandma had her home, my grandpa had his, and they’d meet in the middle—she’d cook for him, and he’d bring home the bacon. I’d love to live down the road from him, to visit almost every night, depending on how he feels. It used to be like that. I miss the days when he’d text me after work, letting me know if he was heading home or making a stop along the way. Now, most of our conversations come through Snaps with a simple ‘WYD?’—and I won’t lie, I still get butterflies when I see his name pop up. But nothing compares to hearing his voice—there’s something about it that just melts me.

I’m not sure exactly when love hit me this hard. Maybe it was the night we made love, and he told me to look into his beautiful eyes. It was the way he spoke to me, the way he touched me—it made me fall, completely and irreversibly. From the moment I met him, he’s had a hold on me unlike anyone else ever has. I’ve had other men in my life, but none compares to him. My Texas. He’s the one who’s helped me grow into the woman I am today. I used to be jealous, but he’s taught me to let go of that insecurity. He’s given me a sense of comfort and safety that I never knew I needed.

When he left, it felt like a part of me was torn away. Time has felt cruel and slow ever since. I find myself longing for the days when we’ll be together again—when our lips will meet and our hearts will intertwine as they did the night we met. In both my mind and heart, I hold onto the hope that this feeling never fades. I want to love and cherish everything he is—for as long as life allows.

I love you, Texas. You are the one who makes me a better woman.

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Love and Growth

It's 2025—a year of new beginnings and endless possibilities. Life may not always offer the complete package, but there is beauty in savoring the moments we are given.

Over the past year, my life has changed in ways I never expected. I met a man who has made life worth living again. He awakened my heart—teaching me to trust, to love, and to feel less anxious. With him, I've had to learn how to let go of jealousy and trust that other women who cross his path are simply a part of life. It hasn't been easy, and I’m still working on it. But what I do know is this: for as long as I have him in my life, I will love him deeply and give myself the freedom to fully embrace our journey together.

Even from afar, our love continues. My heart is in Texas now—who would have thought a long-distance relationship could thrive like this? Yet, here we are, and I am grateful every day.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I am still evolving as a 52-year-old woman. Wow—52! It hits me sometimes that I'm well over half a century old. I'm not a young pup anymore, but you know what? My Texas makes me feel young. He is my fountain of youth.

What I love most about this man is how he opens my mind. His presence encourages me to grow and become a better version of myself. It amazes me how the right person can inspire you to reach higher. Because of him, I want to explore new possibilities, push my limits, and discover what I am capable of achieving. My dreams are big, and there is still so much I want to accomplish before my time is up. I am working toward my goals and striving to be a woman who is committed, dedicated, persistent, and focused on everything life places before me.

I don't have all the answers, but I am always learning. Education is important to me because I refuse to carry unnecessary baggage into my future. I want my journey to be full of opportunities—maybe even a romantic trip to Europe with my Texas, making crazy love on train rides through different countries! Visiting the Netherlands and Germany would be amazing, but my ultimate dream is to experience Italy. And you know what? It's going to happen—I just know it.

In the meantime, I have both Texas, the man, and Texas, the state, to explore. I recently discovered that flights from Denver are much cheaper than from where I live. Sometimes, I daydream about living there just to make visiting my baby easier. One day, perhaps.

Long-distance relationships are no walk in the park, but they shape you. They've certainly shaped me. This journey has pushed me to work on myself even more. I hope our love lasts a long time because I can't imagine letting go of this extraordinary man. He has captured my heart in a way no one else ever has. In some ways, I feel like I belong to him—and it's a comforting feeling. I am his, and he is mine.

I want nothing but the best for him. I want to see him thrive and grow as a man. He is intelligent, persistent, and an exceptional planner. My brain doesn’t work quite like his—I admire how he maps out our adventures and finds ways to include me in everything. It makes me feel special.

One of my favorite things? When he tells me he's proud of me. Those five words—"I am proud of you"—give me butterflies every time.

Whatever the future holds, I am grateful for my Texas and the love we share. Together or apart, we are building something real—something worth holding on to.

The Way It Is Now

One thing about myself that I have learned, is that the control from a man is absolutely sexy. Especially, when he steps in to engage in exciting tactics, it’s adventurous and fun. I don’t think I have ever had that in a man who made such an effort to fantasize about us as a couple with freedom. First off, I was always afraid to try new things, there were boundaries that I held on to. In my older age, I have found the experience with someone at the same level is so sexy. I am enjoying my Texas man, he has opened up to me things that I never thought I had in me. It’s a wonderful feeling to be told I have power. I never knew that, but he has repeatedly stated this to me. To be honest, I don’t see myself that way. He told me I did. I find it incredible to be told of something I didn’t know, maybe that is why men never really wanted to pursue me?

It has been over a year now that we have been in a relationship, and on October 10, 2024, he had to leave me, it was a hard adjustment and I had become sad without him. My Texas man finished his job here in my area of Colorado and he had to move on to another job in Texas. Although it has been tough to get used to not having him here near me and seeing him all the time, we are connected by phone calls and text messages. I was afraid to lose him and not continue with our adventures together. However, he has made an effort to want to see me again, I made it to Texas 3 times already. The first time I flew out to him and spent some quality time with him and his fur babies, mostly one baby girl who is my favorite girl, Maggie. I think sometimes I miss her more than my Texas, I am joking, I miss him so much. The first visit to him was so fun, he showed me around his home and around where he grew up. In the area where he is from the weather was rainy, and cold at the time when I visited him. It was nice though, I have to admit that I love Texas. The last time I was there was when I was married to my ex-husband. It is nice to be back where I was before. 

Then there was time I actually drove to Texas where he was told that a job would start for him. It was just nice to be back in his little trailer again. Except this time I wouldn't leave to go home every night. I would actually spend the night with him and his fur babies in the trailer. I actually loved the nights and the time spent with them, baby girl Maggie was so sweet to have me in their bed. She is the most loving dog, I swear she is the reincarnated dog that I had as my baby girl "Red", she was my "Red Dog" that followed me home one morning in Wichita Falls, TX. I remembered that she just followed me and Elenor who was our other girl at the time. My ex-husband and I went to Texas to take a break and parked the trailer at his mother's home. It was a short break and then we had to go on to another job. So while at his mother's place, I went out to walk Elenor to the park that had a lake. It was a very nice morning, I remember it so well. I was talking to Elenor and she was so happy that we were out walking when we got to the park, there was a man, and beside him was a red dog. She was sweet and mild, the man was walking a distance away from her. Then she saw us, she trotted up to us, and immediately she took to Elenor, there was no fuss between them. I was delighted to see that. However, the longer we kept walking the longer this good girl kept following us. I spoke to the man, well, I yelled at him and said, "Sir, is this your dog?" Because he was calling her Red. He responded and said, "No, she is not mine, I just call her Red, she has been hanging around this park and she answers to Red." I smiled and said, "Oh, okay, well I guess we will hang out with her now, hopefully her owner will show up." He left and there we were, she was so happy, she clung to me, her sweet eyes looked into mine and she ended up following me back to our trailer. My ex-husband was not happy, but I was, from then on, she was my Red Dog. She was so protective of me, everywhere we went she was there barking at pedestrians and if they were men who were on motorcycles or tall men wearing black leather jackets, she was not happy. Red Dog was part of our small family, she and Elenor were 2 peas in a pod. It was me, Elenor, and Red Dog at his mother's home in Wichita Falls, TX when my ex left to go to a job in Wyoming. Eventually, we would have to make the long trip to Gillette, WY. I remember it was a challenging drive because I had to drive the stick shift Chevy truck with me and the dogs. That Chevy truck was not the best, it would overheat, and it seemed that at every stop I had to rest the truck to cool off and put in water in the radiator. The dogs were always looking at me, Elenor with her soft pretty eyes, she was a princess, she was a pretty girl too, a very good and smart girl. I miss both of them, they were the smartest dogs I have ever had. In my mind, I regret the loss of our dogs, when we got married it changed, we changed, and then when I got pregnant it really changed, the fear of the dogs in the same room with our new baby brought new decisions we had to make. We were new parents, at least for me, I was, my ex-husband already had two kids and he was used to the fact of having a baby. We ended up giving away our dogs, and my eyes are filling up with tears writing this entry. My poor Red Dog, she was confused. I try not to hate myself so much, but I do... I suppose Red Dog stands out so much more than Elenor. I don't know why? When it was just us 4, the 2 dogs the ex, and me, it was fun, it was perfect at the time. Everywhere we went they were with us, we stayed at a motel for a month or 2 doing a job, they were with us. I guess, sometimes I miss those times. I try not to dwell on the past too much, it's a different time now, and there are a lot of changes in my life now. I have 2 kids who will soon move on to bigger things in their lives, and a boyfriend who is in another state. So anyway, Maggie reminds me of my Red Dog that I loved so much, and to be honest, my daughter's dog Greyson, who is a male cow dog, reminds me of Elenor. Weird, how these things remind you of things that you miss so much. I love Maggie, she is the most beautiful and sweetest pup in the world right now. This is why I love her so much. 

I have to admit that there are times when I get a bit afraid to lose my Texas man, I don't want our relationship to end. I really don't, even though we are far from each other there is that connection. It seems that when in a long-distance thing, you either make it work or you don't. For me, I want to make it work, I am not sure about him, but I hope he wants the same. Although I have in the back of my mind, if ever it does not work out, I still have to keep the promise to myself. The promise that if ever, this relationship does not work, I will not and cannot be his friend. It seems that he has friends who are ladies that he has met in the past, I don't want to be those washed-up women of his past to continue in friendships. I'd rather not be on that list. I guess, for me, if it is done, it is completely done without me in it, I would rather move on without knowing someone I used to know. That is just me, I hope I don't have to go through it, I don't want to have to shut out someone I used to love. 

Today Will Be One Year

Today, it is the day when we met tonight at Starbucks on North Avenue in Grand Junction Colorado. This day last year, we met on Tinder two days ago, or should I say, two nights ago. I often wonder why we met, how did two souls meet? I have always heard of stories that couples meet on Tinder and it works, I have never really believed that I would meet someone long-term. When we first met, it was love at first sight. I didn’t really believe in that either. However, when I met him, it felt as though it was. When I first met and saw him, I was attracted to him. There is an entry in my blog about when we first met and the night we finally got to meet. The funny thing was that when we were together, it felt as though I had known him already. Like, I had met him before, we started to get to know each other and we conversed with our coffee, his unsweet tea in front of him. We laughed and he looked at me like I was a shiny toy, and I loved that feeling. For me, I was not used to this feeling of a man acting excited like a little boy. He was that night, to me I thought he was crazy to act like I was some huge prize, but he made me feel that way. I didn’t know if I was the one who was crazy, but I went with it, I just didn’t think at the time, that an actual man would think of me otherwise. However, now I know that he did in fact see me as more than I thought of myself. At the time, I was not thoughtful of myself, let alone most men who are on dating sites. I was thinking he was going to be this one-night stand thing. Well, one year later… I guess I was wrong.

I suppose, in my mind, I had this idea that when he stated short-term, I was thinking maybe at most 6 months and that was going to be the end of the thing that we had. We actually had an agreement. The agreement was to be this sexual thing and have fun with one another. However, conversations turn into deep thoughts of life, watching each other grow in our position of life, and meet each other at a deeper connective level. I started to love the control level he possessed over me. I never knew that subtle control in a man would be sexy, to have that realization was a bombshell in my mind. There were a lot of good times, a lot of first times with him, like a real couple thing. I loved every moment of it. 

When you are a woman of certain desires, it’s interesting that they can come to fruition at such a late age in life. Being an older woman, helps me appreciate intimacy at a very intriguing level. In my whole womanhood life did I ever think that there were some interesting healthy sexual activities to be explored? I know I am going deep, but, this is my page I can be as open to what my life as a 50-something woman experiences. At my age, I think it’s important to know the key aspects of who we are as women. The later age is often taboo to admit and realize women in their 50s or even 60s do have wonderful sexual experiences. Some may think no, not really, or untrue. To me, I am having the time of my life with someone I love at a deeper level. I am not sure what life will entail after he leaves me. All I know is that I am thankful for now, I am thankful for the time I have with Texas, and I hope we can enjoy one another on another new level. Whatever happens to us as life carries on, I will always keep him in my mind and in my heart all the days of my life. He will be the only man I will treasure, and the only man I have ever truly loved. Happy Year Anniversary my sexy Texas man, you are the love of my life for now, until you leave me.