I know in time when I read this entry of a blog again, I will giggle and put my hand over my mouth while I think... "What the hell was wrong with ME?" Oh yes, it is this kind of life I am living and experiencing again. It's crazy that at my new age of fifty years old, I would have to live again through something that I thought was going to be a lesson. I suppose lessons never die, they just get interesting as you live through it again. It's almost like a game that I am supposed to refer back to when I was younger and had to figure out what to do. Life has interesting insights to admire, I've noticed at my age that the mental notes in my head do exist. I have a file cabinet of notes in my brain that have sections of experiences of life that in each file I pull out there are post-it notes stuck to it. Reminding me that next time do it this way, or scratch that this part or that part. Then there are the BOLD letters that state those words to refrain from doing this ever again!
Currently, at this time I am referring to those mental notes and just keeping my cool, even though sometimes I wanna lose it from time to time. I have mentioned a particular man in my life to whom I am not seeing, not sure if he will contact me again through text messages, but maybe. There was a common connection of attraction. Mine was intense toward him, I know that if I were in a relationship I would run to him all the time if he called or texted. It's sad really, it's sad that a person can have that kind of effect on another person! Something, that I could never understand that the human brain has no control over. But there is the free will of choice we were given. I know that is something that is true, we all possess that free will of choice. So right now I am drinking my coffee and listening to my concentration music while I am writing. The only thing that I am thinking is about this man. I think about his eyes, and his voice, and I can still taste the mixes of his mouth. They are usually Copenhagen and his natural salivating juices. Is that not just completely weird! I mean it was a week ago since I saw him? I am initially fucked, to put it bluntly.
However, I am using this crazy thing to learn from and how to get through this without hurting anyone else in the process, except myself. I mean it's okay that I hurt in this process because it's me, I created this web of nonsense that is reigning in my mind. I'd rather be hurt in the process because I think I have the ability to get over it. This current man that I am seeing has let me know that I agreed to see him when I knew the consequences. Yes, I agreed to it, but now in the process, I am grieving for the guy that I really want. So last night I was talking to this man whom I am currently seeing and the way he talks and converses is interesting to me. It's as if he likes that he can travel and meet women and see them for a little bit till he has to go to another job, then leave the woman behind. While I listened to him he told me that it was on me to get over it, Initially in my brain, it captured a game. A game on his end to proceed in life and enjoy the yearning of a woman who will cry and weep like a baby when he leaves. He's nice, but he's an asshole too, which he does admit, so I don't feel bad that he said it first. I mean I am too... anyway, it was not a very processing conversation for me. because I want to play the men's game too. I mean I am not modest, I never claimed to be the perfect sweet woman, I play the part though. I guess, I was a bit unhinged, a bit like okay, why not have something on the side while I am with you, Then when you leave it won't be that bad. Because that is the way my brain is thinking. I'm not impressed with money or possessions anyway, I am okay with never seeing another person again. Sometimes, when people talk to people it doesn't make any sense to a person who is lived through a lot of bullshit. Well, time to get ready for my day, I think the coffee hit the spot. I might take another moment to reflect again and write.
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