I am not sure how life is supposed to continue. Does happiness have to be present? Or do the questions brew in your mind like why am I here? Sometimes, lately, I have had those thoughts in my mind. Maybe, it's something that has to do with the season, or it's something else. These last two weeks have admittedly been a struggle for me. My mind is blown out of proportion to the extent that I just want to dig a hole and hide in it. I have found that depression is an onset that appears so quickly that you don't recognize it fast enough to suppress it. The last time that I was feeling like this, and it was pretty bad, was in 2011. I was attending Dine College in Shiprock, NM, and developed some close friends of mine. I started my education career by attending college on the reservation. It was the highlight of my life, I felt like I was making a difference. I was part of an organization promoting and educating the HIV/AIDS prevention team. It was a wonderful learning experience. I miss the people I worked with, They were a bold, compassionate, and fun bunch of colleagues. They were Navajo and had a passion for Public Health Prevention, and they cared so much for the community of our Navajo Nation. I was a Peer Educator and loved the position of promoting prevention with my community. The one thing that was enjoyable was the presentations that I would put together. They trusted me to build a presentation and share it. I'd put it together, and reach out to community organizations, schools, or jails to present my presentation. I would display incentive pieces to give out to the ones who sat in and listened to me. It was always fun to travel with one of my colleagues.
While this was going on, I started to feel defeated, because there was one class that was so challenging to me that it was tearing up my brain. Especially, when it comes to remembering things and trying to understand them at the same time. The connection was not there. I buckle when it comes to multiple-choice questions, I tend to get scrambled, and my mind just webs out like an out-of-control directional map that has no point of direction. I am not sure if you can understand the brain that has an effect, then when you try and try, then you fail due to attempts, you feel like a major loser. The instructor I had would get frustrated, that I failed, I think at one point he gave up on me. I had another professor who was like that at the other school I attended. It is not a great feeling, but I understand why they felt that way. They are educational leaders who have used their curriculum and students, I'm sure pass their exams. In my mind, it functions very differently, I hope others are the same. I hope there are those reading this can relate. I am currently trying to get through an exam that is going to be my fourth attempt. Four times, I often think, am I the only one who is struggling to pass this test that I think I know? It is not easy at all in my mind. But when I read the materials, I understand the concept. It's the exams that don't make sense to me. It's the way they change the concept that I just learned that makes it so difficult. I can't wrap my understanding around the change of wording put into it.
The anxiety and the fear of losing my position in my current employment have got to me. I am being weighed with negativity and I can not escape it. The last time that this was an issue was at the time, as I mentioned before, attended Dine College. I used to drive forty-five minutes to and fro to school each day. I lived out in the middle of nowhere with my children in a Housing Authority on the reservation. My place started to become out of control I didn't keep up and I just wanted to escape all the time. I started to become less happier, and when I would drive home, I would have suicidal ideation. On the reservation, we can drive as fast as we want, without insurance, and without tags on the car. The Navajo Nation police really don't do much to enforce the traffic laws. I suppose if they were bored and felt like enforcing then yes they would go out and give out tickets. But when it comes to anything tragic, they are there when they can be. Other than that FBI steps in to take care of the tragedy, which is another story of the Feds that so-called care for us Natives. It's a joke. At any rate, I was dealing with wanting to end my life again. This would be the second time in my life that I have tried or thought of ending my life. I suppose it just sneaks up on you. It's like out of the blue, if I felt any inclusion from work, I would get a bit depressed, but I always seem to catch it and work on myself. This time it feels different. I feel like at the moment I want to be away. But then again, I don't want to be away, I want to stay put where I'm at like I don't want to go anywhere. I can't explain the way it is. I had a wonderful friend who I talked to and she prayed with me. She has a heart of the Lord that is present with Him. Her prayers and her tears, healed me, and gradually I carried on, we spent time together just laughing and hanging out. It was what I needed. Everything else was just a memory of my depression and suicide. My friend worked at Dine College.
Sometimes, memories come back and at times it hits hard and heavy. It seems at my age it's very heavy. Like I can not seem to shake this cement block off me. The other day, I was at my wits end, I saw my kids, and my family as a reason to make a change. I talked to my daughter about my feelings and my work, and she told me, "Mom! Do not quit! It's not an option." I looked at her, and said, "I won't..." I decided to make an appointment and talk to a professional about my issues and whatever they suggest I am going to try to make it one step at a time. I suppose stating my voice to say something to someone helps in get a bit further in living my life. The ultimate goal in my life is accountability. I want to be accountable in my life, I want to be responsible for my actions. Even if it hurts me, or the other person. I think this is my position to take the proper actions to my accountability to myself, and the responsible route to get the help that I need. There are not many who can say they have the support, but the one thing that gets to me is my children. When I tell them something that I am going to do, they support it. I was there for my children when I could, my daughter was always crying for me to help her until I opened my mind to actually help. I was not focused on her needs or my son's needs. Children are the most amazing gifts to a parent. Especially, a single one. I wished I was a better parent, instead of thinking that they could do it themselves, but instead, I'm busy trying to make a life for us. Alcohol was the worst, I thank God that, that part of my life is not an option for my depression. I confess, there was a split second or two that it was something I could do.
I am looking forward to my appointment to get the help that I need. I am also thankful I can write about this in my blog to get it out of my mind and out of my system. This helps a lot. I hope the struggles that weigh you down, are lifted, I hope that whoever is reading this considers life, and contentment in life. It may not be happy, but at least we have the contentment of trying to meet ourselves at the crossroads to beat the demon that is always trying to destroy us.
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