It is the End Again... Year I Mean.

Here is the end of the year, where gift-giving continues, stress from loved ones trying to outdo one another, and trees are ready to be mulched for new creations in the Spring. I am not fond of the end of the year; there is always something that limits my joy of Christmas. This year again, my car was almost nothing. I was given the gift of no vehicle, and trying to work out the kinks with work and planning visits with clients. A car is often considered the most valuable possession in a person's life, especially when it helps generate income. However, I have some wonderful mechanic friends who have helped me. It is now getting repaired, and I am waiting without frustration. I am just thankful it will be running again, for the time being. Other than that limitation of no car, things are good. I have my job that I am so thankful for, I have my boyfriend who is still in my life, and my kids are healthy and have good jobs. Nothing beats that kind of life, right? My boyfriend, who is in Texas, is blessed with his job, and I am continuing my prayers for him. 

My prayers for him are all that I have at the moment; he makes sure he checks in with my kids and me. One of the blessings is him. I am so thankful he is in my life. There are a lot of times when I get sad because I am not in his presence. I miss being in the same room as him, I miss standing beside him and watching him smoke his cigarette. I miss the way his hands touch mine, I miss the warmth of his skin, the details in the way his beard is corse and scrunchy. I miss his eyes, his eyes are so beautiful and so deep. It may seem crazy, but I miss how he lays in bed and I am laying with him, napping. I miss the snores when he sleeps. It is just the details of his presence I miss. There are moments I will picture him in my home, I picture him and Maggie hanging out in my home, and us lying together with Greyson in my bed watching TV and napping all day long. I picture myself making him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I hope someday he and Maggie will visit and stay with us. 

This year is another year where I am not going to celebrate the New Year with him; it is actually my dream to spend a holiday with him. But in time it will happen; our plans for us are uncertain, as they always are. However, I am going to be patient; I do enjoy the video chats every night. I love the text messages in the mornings that get my day started off beautifully. It is the only thing that keeps me hanging on and praying for him to continue in my life. Long-distance relationships are not for those who get lonely and need that presence of physical presence. Trust is the hardest for most. It used to be that I didn't trust enough; of course, the experience of betrayal was the one thing that kept me thinking that long distance was a bad idea. My love has made it comfortable for me. I love him so much for his heart and his trust, even in me. In the beginning, the unknown was exciting and scary. It has been so wonderful, he is one I don't think I can live without. I know I can't, I will be the saddest Navajo in my tribe. Fry bread and stew would not make me happy, even with green chili. That is how sad I would be if he were not in my life. I continue to pray over him, for favor in his job, for blessings beyond all comprehension, for what he desires that is right and justifiable in the eyes of the Lord. I know the Lord hears my prayers, because all that i pray for is answered before my eyes. 

Mental Health Reflection

The birds are singing outside more and more every day. It is so nice to see the seasons changing. I personally enjoy the time change and hope it stays permanent.

In my last entry, I was overwhelmed with depression. When I posted it, I felt the need to share the depth of my experience. Mental health is a serious issue, especially in today’s world, and I have found support within the company I work for. There was a turning point when I sincerely needed to talk to someone. Do you know the scary part? It’s how the mind can twist reality, convincing you of lies. I have battled with self-doubt and a lack of confidence, often taking others' words at face value and second-guessing myself. Through texts and emails, words can be misinterpreted, and even that can manipulate the mind.

It's a constant effort to remind myself not to take everything so seriously and to ignore the negative thoughts my mind conjures up. The mind can be a strange place, filled with unknown fears that can manifest into reality. I truly believe that having someone to talk to—someone who will simply listen—is a blessing. It acts as a form of mental and emotional purification, releasing negativity and offering healing. Speaking your thoughts out loud can be frightening, but it is a necessary part of the healing process.

Recently, I started reading a historical fiction novel about Sacajawea, and I am already on the fifth chapter. I am fascinated by the amount of research and dedication it took the author to craft this story. It took her ten years to write it, and her attention to detail is incredible. This novel paints a vivid picture of Sacajawea's resilience. As a young preteen, she endured the torment of being a slave to other tribes. Her journey was filled with unimaginable hardships, and yet she survived with remarkable strength. Her story puts my own struggles into perspective. If she could endure such trials, I can certainly manage my own.

Reading this book has ignited a newfound love for reading within me. It amazes me how an author can weave words together to create such powerful narratives. I aspire to write a book one day—a story that captures minds and provides comfort and inspiration, just as this book is helping me.

Another book that holds great value is the Bible. Some may view it as a purely religious text, but it also stands as a historical document filled with real events. Exploring the Bible has provided me with insight and encouragement. I would love to visit the places where these historical events took place, just as I would enjoy exploring the lands connected to Sacajawea's journey. Such trips would offer a deeper, tangible connection to these incredible stories.

I have also found comfort in positive affirmations. Recently, I came across one that resonated with me: "Each night before you go to bed, say these words: 'I know something wonderful will happen for me, to me tomorrow.' Then in the morning, repeat: 'I know something wonderful will happen for me, to me today.'" I have started saying these affirmations for myself, my kids, my boyfriend, my dad, and my family. And, of course, I circle back to myself.

I am grateful for this space to share my thoughts—from the struggles of my mind to the uplifting discoveries I encounter. I also cherish the love I have for my boyfriend and the journey of raising my children. Last night, I looked through old pictures of my kids and me, from their infancy to now. My daughter is soon to be 18, and my eldest is already 21. Time flies. The journey has not been easy. I have faced heartbreak and unexpected turns, but the outcome is beautiful, and I am thankful for where we are today.

I will continue to share my journey here as life unfolds. Thank you for reading, and I will be back with more soon. Have a wonderful day.

Confession of Me Today-Cry for Help... Maybe

Have you ever struggled in your mind before? Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that it seems like nothing is getting better? I have those days—and lately, the weight feels heavier than ever. I’m not sure if it’s because I allow things to get into my head and pull me down. Take work, finances, major decisions, and even caring for my aging animals, for example. I’ve been struggling with having just one income to rely on—I’m simply trying to make ends meet. It’s a constant battle. Whenever relief seems close, it slips away, leaving me more exhausted.

On top of everything, there’s pressure from my daughter. It’s her senior year—what should be the happiest and most exciting time of her life—but it hasn’t been. Instead, I feel bombarded by responsibilities, weighed down to the point where I sometimes just want to escape. I know I shouldn’t think this way, but my mind is full of regrets and self-criticism. Yesterday was especially hard. I had to work, but my thoughts were heavy and difficult to sort through. I hold myself to such high standards—sometimes too high—and I’m struggling to keep up with them. I don’t know how to make things better for myself.

Last night, I drove out into the country alone. Sitting in my car in the darkness, I broke down and sobbed. The thoughts running through my mind scared me. Sometimes, your own thoughts can be your worst enemy. Earlier in the day, while driving to meet a client to ensure she was receiving the care she needed, my mind wandered to Chris Cornell. Do you know who he is? He was the lead singer of Soundgarden and Audioslave—a close friend of Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder. At 52 years old, he decided to leave this world on his own. There’s been a lot of speculation about why he did it. Maybe the struggle to stay happy became too much. Maybe there were deeper wounds no one saw. I can only guess. But for me, I know this—I’ve often felt like a failure. I mean, I have both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree—wasn’t that supposed to make me feel accomplished? But no, it didn’t. I’m supposed to be happy with the life I’ve built, but I’m not. Somehow, life finds a way to bring anguish—lately, it’s felt relentless.

As I sat alone in my car, my thoughts became darker. For a brief moment, I wondered if leaving—like Chris did—was the answer. That moment terrified me. I burst into tears while driving, realizing I needed to talk to someone. These thoughts creep in when you least expect them. I didn’t even think this way when my ex-husband left me for another woman. My son was a sweet, chubby little boy back then, and I wanted to be there for him. He was my whole world, the reason I kept going. When my ex looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t love you anymore, and I don’t want you,” my only thought was, ‘Okay.’ And I moved on. I was determined. I made plenty of mistakes along the way, but the best choices I ever made were my son and my daughter. If I could go back, I would relive those moments—carrying them in my belly, hearing their first cries. Even when I thought I’d be alone in the hospital after giving birth to my daughter, God sent angels to my side. I wasn’t alone after all. The best feeling is when God shows up just when you need Him most.

Last night, I called the suicide hotline. It’s hard to admit, and honestly, it’s embarrassing. I didn’t want to call my boyfriend—he’d have too many questions, and I didn’t want to explain myself. I didn’t want to look weak. I tried calling people I know, but no one answered. The hotline was what I needed at that moment, but I know I need more. Today, my mission is to get through work, let my boss know I need to make some calls, and reach out for help. I need to talk to someone who will pray with me—who will hold my hand and lift these burdens with me. Right now, the weight of the world feels too heavy, and I can’t carry it alone anymore.

It's FINALLY March! I Get To See You Sweetheart...

It’s the end of February, and March is just around the corner! I couldn’t be more excited because I’ll finally get to see my Texas. I’m heading to Houston for three much-needed days—to soak up the closeness and kisses I’ve been missing. March is shaping up to be a busy month, filled with travels and special moments.

In addition to Houston, I’ll also be heading to California to visit my aunt—my mom’s sister. It’s my daughter’s Spring Break, her last one, which makes this trip even more meaningful. Every year, we travel to Phoenix, AZ, but this year, we’re switching things up and heading to the beaches of California to spend time with her grandma. It’s become a tradition we cherish. I also have an older son—he’s 21 years old. While he’s not joining us on these trips, he has his own adventures. He’s sweet and thoughtful, making long trips just to see his girlfriend. I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s become.

The excitement doesn’t stop there—right after returning from California, I’ll be off to Denver to catch a flight to see my love again. I can’t wait! I have to admit, I’ve never been this excited for a month. Every time we’re together, it feels special. Some days, we’re perfectly content just being lazy at home with the animals—and honestly, those are some of my favorite moments. You’d think a woman like me would want to be spoiled with fancy things, but no—not me. All I want is to be close to the man I love, to feel him, kiss him, and share in those simple, intimate moments. And while there’s more I love about being with him, let’s just say some things are best left unspoken.

As the days draw closer to seeing him again, the intensity between us only grows. I love how we both feel the same—eager to be together, to share our time, and to simply exist in each other’s presence. Our relationship reminds me of my grandparents. My grandma had her home, my grandpa had his, and they’d meet in the middle—she’d cook for him, and he’d bring home the bacon. I’d love to live down the road from him, to visit almost every night, depending on how he feels. It used to be like that. I miss the days when he’d text me after work, letting me know if he was heading home or making a stop along the way. Now, most of our conversations come through Snaps with a simple ‘WYD?’—and I won’t lie, I still get butterflies when I see his name pop up. But nothing compares to hearing his voice—there’s something about it that just melts me.

I’m not sure exactly when love hit me this hard. Maybe it was the night we made love, and he told me to look into his beautiful eyes. It was the way he spoke to me, the way he touched me—it made me fall, completely and irreversibly. From the moment I met him, he’s had a hold on me unlike anyone else ever has. I’ve had other men in my life, but none compares to him. My Texas. He’s the one who’s helped me grow into the woman I am today. I used to be jealous, but he’s taught me to let go of that insecurity. He’s given me a sense of comfort and safety that I never knew I needed.

When he left, it felt like a part of me was torn away. Time has felt cruel and slow ever since. I find myself longing for the days when we’ll be together again—when our lips will meet and our hearts will intertwine as they did the night we met. In both my mind and heart, I hold onto the hope that this feeling never fades. I want to love and cherish everything he is—for as long as life allows.

I love you, Texas. You are the one who makes me a better woman.

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Love and Growth

It's 2025—a year of new beginnings and endless possibilities. Life may not always offer the complete package, but there is beauty in savoring the moments we are given.

Over the past year, my life has changed in ways I never expected. I met a man who has made life worth living again. He awakened my heart—teaching me to trust, to love, and to feel less anxious. With him, I've had to learn how to let go of jealousy and trust that other women who cross his path are simply a part of life. It hasn't been easy, and I’m still working on it. But what I do know is this: for as long as I have him in my life, I will love him deeply and give myself the freedom to fully embrace our journey together.

Even from afar, our love continues. My heart is in Texas now—who would have thought a long-distance relationship could thrive like this? Yet, here we are, and I am grateful every day.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I am still evolving as a 52-year-old woman. Wow—52! It hits me sometimes that I'm well over half a century old. I'm not a young pup anymore, but you know what? My Texas makes me feel young. He is my fountain of youth.

What I love most about this man is how he opens my mind. His presence encourages me to grow and become a better version of myself. It amazes me how the right person can inspire you to reach higher. Because of him, I want to explore new possibilities, push my limits, and discover what I am capable of achieving. My dreams are big, and there is still so much I want to accomplish before my time is up. I am working toward my goals and striving to be a woman who is committed, dedicated, persistent, and focused on everything life places before me.

I don't have all the answers, but I am always learning. Education is important to me because I refuse to carry unnecessary baggage into my future. I want my journey to be full of opportunities—maybe even a romantic trip to Europe with my Texas, making crazy love on train rides through different countries! Visiting the Netherlands and Germany would be amazing, but my ultimate dream is to experience Italy. And you know what? It's going to happen—I just know it.

In the meantime, I have both Texas, the man, and Texas, the state, to explore. I recently discovered that flights from Denver are much cheaper than from where I live. Sometimes, I daydream about living there just to make visiting my baby easier. One day, perhaps.

Long-distance relationships are no walk in the park, but they shape you. They've certainly shaped me. This journey has pushed me to work on myself even more. I hope our love lasts a long time because I can't imagine letting go of this extraordinary man. He has captured my heart in a way no one else ever has. In some ways, I feel like I belong to him—and it's a comforting feeling. I am his, and he is mine.

I want nothing but the best for him. I want to see him thrive and grow as a man. He is intelligent, persistent, and an exceptional planner. My brain doesn’t work quite like his—I admire how he maps out our adventures and finds ways to include me in everything. It makes me feel special.

One of my favorite things? When he tells me he's proud of me. Those five words—"I am proud of you"—give me butterflies every time.

Whatever the future holds, I am grateful for my Texas and the love we share. Together or apart, we are building something real—something worth holding on to.

The Way It Is Now

One thing about myself that I have learned, is that the control from a man is absolutely sexy. Especially, when he steps in to engage in exciting tactics, it’s adventurous and fun. I don’t think I have ever had that in a man who made such an effort to fantasize about us as a couple with freedom. First off, I was always afraid to try new things, there were boundaries that I held on to. In my older age, I have found the experience with someone at the same level is so sexy. I am enjoying my Texas man, he has opened up to me things that I never thought I had in me. It’s a wonderful feeling to be told I have power. I never knew that, but he has repeatedly stated this to me. To be honest, I don’t see myself that way. He told me I did. I find it incredible to be told of something I didn’t know, maybe that is why men never really wanted to pursue me?

It has been over a year now that we have been in a relationship, and on October 10, 2024, he had to leave me, it was a hard adjustment and I had become sad without him. My Texas man finished his job here in my area of Colorado and he had to move on to another job in Texas. Although it has been tough to get used to not having him here near me and seeing him all the time, we are connected by phone calls and text messages. I was afraid to lose him and not continue with our adventures together. However, he has made an effort to want to see me again, I made it to Texas 3 times already. The first time I flew out to him and spent some quality time with him and his fur babies, mostly one baby girl who is my favorite girl, Maggie. I think sometimes I miss her more than my Texas, I am joking, I miss him so much. The first visit to him was so fun, he showed me around his home and around where he grew up. In the area where he is from the weather was rainy, and cold at the time when I visited him. It was nice though, I have to admit that I love Texas. The last time I was there was when I was married to my ex-husband. It is nice to be back where I was before. 

Then there was time I actually drove to Texas where he was told that a job would start for him. It was just nice to be back in his little trailer again. Except this time I wouldn't leave to go home every night. I would actually spend the night with him and his fur babies in the trailer. I actually loved the nights and the time spent with them, baby girl Maggie was so sweet to have me in their bed. She is the most loving dog, I swear she is the reincarnated dog that I had as my baby girl "Red", she was my "Red Dog" that followed me home one morning in Wichita Falls, TX. I remembered that she just followed me and Elenor who was our other girl at the time. My ex-husband and I went to Texas to take a break and parked the trailer at his mother's home. It was a short break and then we had to go on to another job. So while at his mother's place, I went out to walk Elenor to the park that had a lake. It was a very nice morning, I remember it so well. I was talking to Elenor and she was so happy that we were out walking when we got to the park, there was a man, and beside him was a red dog. She was sweet and mild, the man was walking a distance away from her. Then she saw us, she trotted up to us, and immediately she took to Elenor, there was no fuss between them. I was delighted to see that. However, the longer we kept walking the longer this good girl kept following us. I spoke to the man, well, I yelled at him and said, "Sir, is this your dog?" Because he was calling her Red. He responded and said, "No, she is not mine, I just call her Red, she has been hanging around this park and she answers to Red." I smiled and said, "Oh, okay, well I guess we will hang out with her now, hopefully her owner will show up." He left and there we were, she was so happy, she clung to me, her sweet eyes looked into mine and she ended up following me back to our trailer. My ex-husband was not happy, but I was, from then on, she was my Red Dog. She was so protective of me, everywhere we went she was there barking at pedestrians and if they were men who were on motorcycles or tall men wearing black leather jackets, she was not happy. Red Dog was part of our small family, she and Elenor were 2 peas in a pod. It was me, Elenor, and Red Dog at his mother's home in Wichita Falls, TX when my ex left to go to a job in Wyoming. Eventually, we would have to make the long trip to Gillette, WY. I remember it was a challenging drive because I had to drive the stick shift Chevy truck with me and the dogs. That Chevy truck was not the best, it would overheat, and it seemed that at every stop I had to rest the truck to cool off and put in water in the radiator. The dogs were always looking at me, Elenor with her soft pretty eyes, she was a princess, she was a pretty girl too, a very good and smart girl. I miss both of them, they were the smartest dogs I have ever had. In my mind, I regret the loss of our dogs, when we got married it changed, we changed, and then when I got pregnant it really changed, the fear of the dogs in the same room with our new baby brought new decisions we had to make. We were new parents, at least for me, I was, my ex-husband already had two kids and he was used to the fact of having a baby. We ended up giving away our dogs, and my eyes are filling up with tears writing this entry. My poor Red Dog, she was confused. I try not to hate myself so much, but I do... I suppose Red Dog stands out so much more than Elenor. I don't know why? When it was just us 4, the 2 dogs the ex, and me, it was fun, it was perfect at the time. Everywhere we went they were with us, we stayed at a motel for a month or 2 doing a job, they were with us. I guess, sometimes I miss those times. I try not to dwell on the past too much, it's a different time now, and there are a lot of changes in my life now. I have 2 kids who will soon move on to bigger things in their lives, and a boyfriend who is in another state. So anyway, Maggie reminds me of my Red Dog that I loved so much, and to be honest, my daughter's dog Greyson, who is a male cow dog, reminds me of Elenor. Weird, how these things remind you of things that you miss so much. I love Maggie, she is the most beautiful and sweetest pup in the world right now. This is why I love her so much. 

I have to admit that there are times when I get a bit afraid to lose my Texas man, I don't want our relationship to end. I really don't, even though we are far from each other there is that connection. It seems that when in a long-distance thing, you either make it work or you don't. For me, I want to make it work, I am not sure about him, but I hope he wants the same. Although I have in the back of my mind, if ever it does not work out, I still have to keep the promise to myself. The promise that if ever, this relationship does not work, I will not and cannot be his friend. It seems that he has friends who are ladies that he has met in the past, I don't want to be those washed-up women of his past to continue in friendships. I'd rather not be on that list. I guess, for me, if it is done, it is completely done without me in it, I would rather move on without knowing someone I used to know. That is just me, I hope I don't have to go through it, I don't want to have to shut out someone I used to love. 

Today Will Be One Year

Today, it is the day when we met tonight at Starbucks on North Avenue in Grand Junction Colorado. This day last year, we met on Tinder two days ago, or should I say, two nights ago. I often wonder why we met, how did two souls meet? I have always heard of stories that couples meet on Tinder and it works, I have never really believed that I would meet someone long-term. When we first met, it was love at first sight. I didn’t really believe in that either. However, when I met him, it felt as though it was. When I first met and saw him, I was attracted to him. There is an entry in my blog about when we first met and the night we finally got to meet. The funny thing was that when we were together, it felt as though I had known him already. Like, I had met him before, we started to get to know each other and we conversed with our coffee, his unsweet tea in front of him. We laughed and he looked at me like I was a shiny toy, and I loved that feeling. For me, I was not used to this feeling of a man acting excited like a little boy. He was that night, to me I thought he was crazy to act like I was some huge prize, but he made me feel that way. I didn’t know if I was the one who was crazy, but I went with it, I just didn’t think at the time, that an actual man would think of me otherwise. However, now I know that he did in fact see me as more than I thought of myself. At the time, I was not thoughtful of myself, let alone most men who are on dating sites. I was thinking he was going to be this one-night stand thing. Well, one year later… I guess I was wrong.

I suppose, in my mind, I had this idea that when he stated short-term, I was thinking maybe at most 6 months and that was going to be the end of the thing that we had. We actually had an agreement. The agreement was to be this sexual thing and have fun with one another. However, conversations turn into deep thoughts of life, watching each other grow in our position of life, and meet each other at a deeper connective level. I started to love the control level he possessed over me. I never knew that subtle control in a man would be sexy, to have that realization was a bombshell in my mind. There were a lot of good times, a lot of first times with him, like a real couple thing. I loved every moment of it. 

When you are a woman of certain desires, it’s interesting that they can come to fruition at such a late age in life. Being an older woman, helps me appreciate intimacy at a very intriguing level. In my whole womanhood life did I ever think that there were some interesting healthy sexual activities to be explored? I know I am going deep, but, this is my page I can be as open to what my life as a 50-something woman experiences. At my age, I think it’s important to know the key aspects of who we are as women. The later age is often taboo to admit and realize women in their 50s or even 60s do have wonderful sexual experiences. Some may think no, not really, or untrue. To me, I am having the time of my life with someone I love at a deeper level. I am not sure what life will entail after he leaves me. All I know is that I am thankful for now, I am thankful for the time I have with Texas, and I hope we can enjoy one another on another new level. Whatever happens to us as life carries on, I will always keep him in my mind and in my heart all the days of my life. He will be the only man I will treasure, and the only man I have ever truly loved. Happy Year Anniversary my sexy Texas man, you are the love of my life for now, until you leave me. 

The Battleground of The Mind

I don't understand why the thoughts in my mind are going crazy? Why am I thinking so much and making myself crazy, it has gotten to the point that I'm unable to eat. Last night I had to pray hard for the Lord to help my mind, to take away thoughts that were hindering my body. I was in tears just begging God to help me. My gut was wrenching in pain, and I just couldn't think right. When I prayed and begged the Lord to help me, I felt alone, like the world had crumbled around me. All I could do was clean, wash the dishes, take stuff out of my car, rearrange, and I just couldn't sit, because sitting causes me to think. Why in thought does it make you crazy? I don't understand the depth of the mind, it's as though it is the battleground that sabotages the happiness of yourself. In the past, I have sabotaged the good things in my life. My mind was the enemy, and it still is apparently, it goes in a whirlwind of exterior things that are delusional. The delusion of the mind can play tricks on you. It's very concerning. All I can ask is, is it the past experiences of things that cause the mind to get out of control? While I am thinking all these things, the words that are being typed, I wonder what a counselor would say? How do they approach individuals who struggle with the mind of someone who thinks too much? I suppose the best thing is to keep moving and create a space where you do things to keep from sitting and thinking too much. 

Last night when I was in thought and it was going so out of control that my stomach was sick, I couldn't think of anything else but to pray. While praying to Jesus, I stood at the kitchen sink silently weeping, hoping my daughter didn't hear me. The prayers at the speed of 123, 123, 123, 123. Over and over again, I summoned the Holy Spirit to cover my mind, to cover the brain cells, the chemicals that were intertwining within the fibers of my brain. I wanted the thoughts of something terrible to stop, and hoping they would disappear; the feeling of, "I know it", "I felt it", but was it real? At the end of processing myself and reevaluating my thoughts and how I was feeling, my mind settled down. My body started to feel less anxious, less stressed, and less mindful. I felt relief, I felt as though the enemy fled from me and I could breathe again. It was then I thought, I have to keep moving in prayer, I know the mind is a terrible place especially when a good thing in your life is there. My Texas is my dopamine, my serotonin, I realize this and I need to get my mind in check again. I don't know why the feelings of defeat are upon me, and I am just anxious. I feel helpless, and I need to be strong, I have to gain momentum again and set aside the uncertainty of what the future holds with another person. First of all, it shouldn't be an issue, life is built on how things come together, whether it be the forces of nature or the way we live. 

I will need to get myself a counselor for the rest of the year and beyond, I will be delving into a life of commitment, a life that consists of reading and filling my brain with a goal in mind. In my mind, I want to hold the current friendship through this commitment, but I am afraid to do it. I'm afraid because I might lose the friendship through the goal I'm aiming for. I suppose that is what it takes, trusting that the way is going to be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I have to have the courage to move forward, to set aside some things in my life, and know in my heart that sometimes when things in life come together it is the foundation that is being built. I am always reminded of this, "Take courage in yourself, take courage, and do not fear..."

Thinking too Much Can Destroy a Good Thing

In the last week, my mind has been so crazy. I do not know why the mind has to think too much. So the last few weeks my mind has just been in a frenzy of thoughts, I don't know why? Maybe, because of my insecurities. I hate that I have insecurities, I hate that I don't feel like I have any trust in the one person I love. The other day, I felt so bad that I neglected to communicate with my friend, my lover man Texas. I know we are friends who love experiences together, and we are friends who enjoy being with each other and respect one another, I respect him as someone who has feelings. Even though he doesn't want to admit he does, I know he does. Anyway, it is Sunday and my daughter who loves to attend the evening services of church, let me know that she wants to participate in that evening. I was obliged to do so and go with her. So we went together, it takes me a while to want to go to church, but I do. However, as a confession, my mind was battling the whole service of the thoughts of Texas. Because I turned my phone to airplane mode. While I was in church, all I thought of was him, and I was hoping he knew that I was in church, because I didn't relay the message to him that I was going to be in church with my daughter.

The feeling of neglecting a person bothers me. I hate that feeling of just shutting off the ones I love or the feeling of someone shutting me off. It really bothered me, I was not happy with myself. After church my daughter wanted to take me to dinner, so after church, I was anxious to get on my phone to let him know that I just got out of the church with my daughter. I saw the message on Snapchat, and on my regular phone, oh my heart sank. My mind started to race to the thoughts of "You stupid woman" you forgot to communicate to him. I immediately messaged him back and let him know that we just got out of the church, and I was about to have dinner with my daughter. He seemed a bit irritated, but I was not sure. If it was me? Or if he actually was? However, if I was him, I would've been very irritated. His response was, "I'm already eating and when you didn't respond I left cause I was hungry." I let him know that I was happy he got something to eat. Then I let him know what was going on, and what the plan was with my daughter, even though I still felt bad. I guess it's because I value the way he feels, that is if he has feelings, I'm smiling at what I just typed. I know that Texas has feelings, because I feel his love and kindness towards me, even though sometimes he can be an ass, but to me, he is a sweet ass. He is my sweet ass. 

I called him that night to hear his voice and just to let him know that we just got home. I also wanted to let him know that I was sorry for not letting him know about that evening. He seemed irritated with me, and somehow I think he didn't believe me. His response was, "It's okay, ARE WE MARRIED?" I was taken aback at the response, I said, "No, we are not, I just felt bad about it." It was then I knew, and you always know, the one person that you care so much about, is the one person you don't ever want to hurt. What I mean is that I could never want to hurt my friend whom I love very much. I suppose, what I mean is that I could never want to sneak around and lie to my friend because it would hurt me so much. Or say anything negative about him, now, in my mind, there is much negativity that I have to tell my Jesus about, and I'm smiling at what I'm typing. But, it usually disappears after a day or two, and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. The next day, I had to explain how I felt about us, our friendship, and how I felt about unintentionally blocking our conversations for just an hour, but I should've let him know what the plan was with my daughter because I didn't want him to worry about me and our friendship. I let him know that I value him as a friend of mine, I value who he is because, after all, we will have known each other for a whole year. His response was unexpected to me because he is not a feely smooshy kind of man. But he let me know that he appreciated me, and appreciated my message to him. I know that he is a beautiful man, he really is, I may have outrageous thoughts that go off the deep end, but he is my friend. I am not sure how I will feel when he is gone, when friendships that I develop over time and then we don't communicate for a long time, it seems that we can pick up where we left off. I believe, that even though we may be disconnected in the future, we will always pick up where we left off. I love you Texas, always. You are my sweet sexy ass that will never leave my mind. Even if I tried, I know you wouldn't allow it.

The Story of a Fifty Something Year Old Navajo Woman

It's 4:00 am in the morning, I lay in bed thinking that I need to get up. But, I hit the snooze button and slept for 30 min. By this time I have to get up and greet the morning, it's hard to get up and start the day and make your bed. I do it anyway, I look at my phone and my Texas man Snapchatted me last night and missed it because I was asleep. This week was a bizarre week for me, last week was a bit better than this week. I felt normal before, but now, not that great. Yesterday, driving home from work, my mind was in a whirlwind. I am not sure why my stomach was in knots, am I getting delusional about everything in my life? Not sure if it's because of the extra stress that is on me this week? Or if the knots in my belly are telling me there is something wrong and am I going to be humiliated by the one man I think is my friend? I haven't eaten at all this week because of the deepening stress of the unknown. Is there something that he is keeping from me? When I feel like this I try to overcome it and move on from this awful feeling, I pray to God to reveal whatever it is that is making me feel this way.

I sat in my car in front of my home crying and sobbing in prayer talking to Jesus to take this feeling away. The pit of my stomach is twisted in knots and the feeling of betrayal is deep. I am not sure if Jesus had that same feeling in the pit of His stomach when he was weeping at Gethsemane before the Romans took Him away. It was then the revelation of Judas's kiss on the cheek revealed the betrayal as the Romans arrested Jesus. Jesus knows what betrayal feels like, maybe, it is one of those things that we all have. It's like a curse to have that feeling of sickening feeling. The last time I had this feeling was when my ex-husband was seeing someone else. I knew it, and for some reason, he kept it from me and I believe it was to protect the woman he was seeing. I understand, then at the same time, I don't. If a man is protecting a woman from another woman, just tell the woman you're with the truth so she can move on. It's that simple. I hate to be the one who is the idiot who hangs around to the end of the relationship that is going to end when they leave.

I would rather not continue this thing I agreed to, and then stop. Because this feeling really sucks. I fell in love with this guy and we did have an agreement when we met that it was going to be this way. I really don't want to continue if this feeling of sickness continues and he is not honest with me. Friends don't treat friends this way. When he leaves, I will leave too, I will heal as I have always done. But, I would rather do it now. I don't want to be friends with a man who thinks he has another woman who he can use as a prop when he is lonely while he finds a woman to fuck. There is also the list of women friends this guy has that reach out to him every day, it's so cool, not. The women are his friends and he gets calls from them every day, he is constantly saying, they call for dating advice and they always want his opinion. He raises them up to get them going, to make sure they are living well. His intention is to have me as part of his list of stupid women who are dumb and lonely and not independent enough to do it on their own. I would rather not be one of those stupid women. No contact after this shit show is done and he will be another memory like the rest. On his part, he did his job and he can get over it like it was another normal day. 

Some things are good, and days can be just good, depending on the person you're with. To have a friend is to be honest and true to them. at least that is what I think a friend is supposed to be. I do wear my love on my sleeves, especially when I spend a large amount of time with someone. I want to explain myself of what exactly a woman I have become. I thank my ex-husband for making me this way, it really is the way that I have always lived. When a friend lies to me or a man who is a lover of mine becomes friends with me, then eventually betrays me, I eliminate them from my life, there is no going back at all. I have an explicit action that engages no contact from them. It will be as if I have fallen off the face of the earth and never was known in their lives. Sometimes, it doesn't happen quickly, in the past there has been a few that have come back into my life, but I was drunk, so it was easy to trick me. I am sober now, it is easy for me to shut down people out of my life without any form of contact. Plus, I am a hard-headed woman and that is a plus for me. I particularly don't like to put up with people who play kind to me have their way with me and lie to me while we're friends. In my world, the lonely defiant, hard-pressed woman comes out. I suppose it is good because if the garbage of unkind, unloyal, dishonest people is in my life now, I can discard them unequivocally and it will help me grow beautifully. As long as they are completely out of my life. I can look forward to breathing again and gaining the strength to live and endure. Then somewhere down the road, I'll do it all over again. This is the story of a 50-something-year-old single Navajo woman, it's good to be me. 

I Don't Think Delusional, But He Thinks I Am

When the tides are broken it tends to be weird and strange. Last night, I confessed my deepest inner secretive feelings, words that may have sounded delusional but they were true. In the moment when I told him, I felt free from the grips of fear and felt the solitude of contentment. Texan, didn't say much, and I know that of him. This is what makes him who he is, just a beautiful, wonderful man. There are some things you can tell a man and some things you would rather not. Last night I had to confess what I have held all these months that I have known him. Some of the things that were said were, "I cry about you every day, and when you leave I will cry even more." I could not keep the confessions in, "When I love someone, I get this sick feeling in my stomach, and when they leave it gets worse where I can't eat and when I do, I can't keep it in." The feelings of things that happen to me continue to be spoken as how I am when I fall in love. His response was, "That's not good. Don't do that." Then in response, "I get depressed, but it's a depression that only lasts a few months and then I will be good again." He stayed silent, and in those few moments, I don't think he wanted to know. I don't think he wanted to believe it was my deepest confession that I was feeling for him. In my heart, I knew that I needed to tell him because in all my life I have never met a man like him. I know that I will love Texas till the day that I die and when he leaves, I will let him go knowing that he was the greatest love of my life. I will forever have beautiful memories tucked away in my mind and in my heart. When I continue to live on this earth, I will eventually die, but I know that I will die knowing that I have loved very deeply and very true, and I will pass away content with the life I lived. I am thankful he is in my life, and I am thankful he will be forever. This is the deepest confession of a single 50-something-year-old woman. 

Days Go By So Fast!

It's Sunday, it's the day before the BIG Monday. So last week, the weather caused damage to our office building, so we are not allowed back until further notice. We have to work from home, I know some love working at home. I like balance in my work life, but I think working strictly remotely is something I need to get used to. You never know I will have those days when I will have to work remotely, especially when I travel out of town. You never know when I will have to do that in the future months, I suppose I am preparing for the unknown. This fall is going to be weird and crazy, for me, it will be emotional and weird. My boyfriend will be moving on with his job, and I will have to stay behind, although, I wish sometimes in my mind I'd run away with him. However, sometimes, it doesn't work out that way. You never know with relationships, it can change on a dime, how can anyone know? I know one thing, when he leaves I will be very sad. My demeanor will be low, and I will struggle to put on a happy face. I think I will take the time to cry in a dark room curled up in a ball, praying, talking to Jesus, and crying. Sometimes when I am so sad and depressed I tend to not eat, my tummy gets twisted in knots and I cry a lot. It sucks. But it's part of the process of carrying on with a so-called normal life, I hate the thought of not having him just down the road. I hate the thought of not getting text messages of "I'll be home in 20 minutes", or "I just got off work wanna have dinner?" I love knowing he is there, that he is there close enough to drive to him and love him. I really dread the next couple of months of him leaving. There are days that I already cry when I'm alone, whether it's when I'm driving, or I am alone at home sitting in my recliner. 

One of my thoughts is getting involved with the gym and utilizing my membership, especially when it is just next door to my work. Save money on trips to see Texas if we are still a thing when he is working. I know that he will be back to visit and he has invited me to visit him where he's from, I should be excited to know that there are going to be continued interactions. It's just the unknown of how things are going to be, long-distance relationships can be difficult and a challenge. I suppose that's what makes a relationship strong. I need the hard in my life to grow, I need to know that I can make it through this journey. Just like other journeys in my life, for example, my degree journey. I didn't think that I could make it because I lacked confidence. I have to admit that during my degree process of completing my journey, there were times when I wanted to quit. However, I didn't quit, I had encouragement to keep on and finish. I prayed really hard every day, I admit there were times that it was a struggle to power through, however, I am so happy it was completed. I suppose relationships are that way too, we power through everything, and we grow together in more ways than one. No one relationship is perfect, it has its moments, there will be days when we will forget one another, and then all of a sudden we might just miss each other deeply. I am not sure how he is going to be when he leaves. I don't know if he will continue to want me or need me. That is the unknown of the other side, how does the other one feel? How are they going to approach this thing, and am I really gonna be welcomed to his place in Texas? Several questions in my deepening mind, I hate it when I think. It's too much. 

As these days tend to pass by like midsts in the ocean, I continue to wonder about the unknown. What does it look like in a year or two, will I still have my friend, my soul mate till then or will it be longer than that. My tears just fall when I type my thoughts of him, the way he is when he talks like a cold person, but at the same time, it's so attractive and so funny. Listening to his stories, experiences in life, his day at work, how his day was, and then always asking me how my day was. He is a genuine man, even though he says he isn't, I miss him every day, true story, I miss I'm every day. Since the first time we met, the days of knowing one another have gone by quickly, like there is not enough time to be with him, the more I get to know him and be with him, the more the days pass by so quickly. I didn't think I would be able to see the day that we would make it a year of being together. In the time we have spent time with one another and me loving him with all that I have in me, I wish every day I had met him when he first got here. I would've loved to have been in a longer thing with him, or at least grown with him longer. I suppose it's better this way, just because maybe the way I was when I met him was better than if I were to have met him earlier. He just had to meet other women who were more demanding than me. In my mind, my hope is, and it is crazy, I hope I am the best woman he has ever had. My mind is weird, but I do hope that... only time will tell, yeah right. I know on my end... he is the only man who changed my life. Something, I never thought of, the thought of a man entering my life and changing it for the better, to know that relationships are not that bad. For now, I pray for our lives in the coming months. I love you Texas, and I love you now. 

It's One Of Those Days In Thought

It's Saturday, and the last few days have been the change in weather. The wind and then the lightning and rain were all exciting. I ended my week with work at home and trying to make it to the end of a Friday, it was perfect. My kids requested Navajo Tacos, they love my chili beans that I make with fry bread, and we seldom have Navajo Tacos. However, last night it was a measure of happiness that I thoroughly enjoyed. I also informed my boyfriend of the feast that I was going to prepare, of course, he wanted some of my fry bread and chili beans too. It makes me happy that he loves what I cook, did I tell you he's an excellent cook too! He makes the best steaks and the best chicken alfredo. He's impressive, I like that in a man, I love it when men know how to make a good steak. My ex-hubby was an okay cook, but he was not sober, this guy is sober and likes to check out new foods to make. He follows recipes to the tee, sometimes I wish I worked out there with them just so I could have his cooking. Lucky bastards... anyway, for him to love my cooking is a relief to me. I remember the first time I made Navajo Tacos for him. Actually, I offered to make him dinner the first week we dated. He wanted to get a hotel room to have the feast, but hotel stays are expensive. I let him know, I don't need a hotel room to stay at and feed you?  He did not want me to come to his trailer where he lived, later I found out that he avoided women to have them know where he stayed. I guess he didn't want crazy women lurking around his place. I think he thought this one was one of them. Definitely, something to be aware of, I generally do not allow men to know where I live. However, there are some exceptions, in the past, there was a man who would come to my place. But it was nothing special, just the maintenance men fixing shit at my home. Actually, they still come over... I am smiling, because I think I'm funny. So back to my story of my man, he ended up having me over, and I got to meet his beautiful sweet girl, his dog. It was nerve-wracking for me because the last time I made dinner for a man was in 2014. He was the most terrible man I have ever met in my life, I wish I never met him, I wish I wasn't a stupid woman at that time. But everything is good now and he is just something that should have never happened. Today, there is a man who makes me better, and I think he likes me? Nah, I believe that he likes me. When I was in his home, there we were, he sat down, and I had everything together in a bag to set out the feast for him. Mind you, he has a very small quaint trailer just for him and his cat and dog. It's really a nice place to be alone in. However, that night he wasn't, so he eats and he eats, and I am sitting there watching him eat. I asked him, "How is it?" His response is, "It's really good, I like the bread." He also said, "The chili beans are really good too." Before I knew what to bring, I brought everything that I like to put on Navajo Tacos, again, not thinking that he was different than me, he let me know that he doesn't like onions tomatoes, or olives. This was totally a surprise, so I had to take back the extra that night. Then after dinner we consummated, like vicious animals, I'm laughing out loud at this entry. I had a beautiful night that night, and his belly was full, I love it when a man's belly is full and satisfied. Been a long time since I made a good meal for a man again. 

Later, not too long ago, he told me that I was the only woman who'd ever been in his trailer besides his cleaning lady. He really made me feel special like I was his person. That's the best feeling in the world, to feel like someone's person. Today, I can open the door to his trailer without knocking, and I can clean up for him without him telling me to leave it alone. It makes me feel like I exist for something, little things like that make me happy. I don't mind doing things for Texas, he works long hours at work and travels a lot, and he deserves to be treated good. I suppose for me it's important to treat a man good, I grew up knowing that, watching my mother take care of my dad. He was a hard-working man who was treated like a king in our home. My mother always woke up at 4 o'clock every morning to make coffee for herself and then made extra fresh coffee for my dad. She would make him breakfast make his lunch kiss him goodbye and tell him she loved him. My dad always left away "loved", because my mom made sure he knew he was "loved". Then when he came home from work, she always had dinner waiting for him or always made sure I made the dinner for all of us. She was the woman who showed me how to really love a man. I guess when I meet a man and when they allow me into their space to do things for him, I always remember how my mom lived for my dad, how much she appreciated him, and how much she loved him. I have always wanted that duty, I suppose I do things for Texas because of how I was raised and what I saw. I miss my mom, and I miss the times I'd watch a beautiful woman love my dad so eloquently. I want that too... 

Feely Shitty Stuff

It's no surprise when you spend so much time with a person, in my case a man. You generate feelings, at first it's scary but at the same time it's beautiful. I am in love with this man who I've been seeing for a while now, it will be a year that we have been dating. A whole YEAR! What? When I think about it, it amazes me. I don't want it to end. Texas makes me happy, he definitely is my other home. I love it when he corrects me when he leads when he tells me what to do, I've always wanted this kind of control in my life. Texas does not like feely shitty stuff, he is dominant, kind, sexy, fearless, direct, and oh my God... intelligent. He is younger than me, but he is so smart to direct me to living correctly in certain situations. Saving toward goals in life, to take that extra in life to make things happen. Currently, I have a goal, with my work, to set a priority of making things flow in my schedule. This way, I can start on my Doctorate degree. This was one of my go-to's to Texas, I had to make a decision and talk it out with someone who could give direction. He was mindful of the details currently going on in my life; the new career of case management. It was a breath of fresh air to have someone not judge me or belittle me in making a decision to continue with another degree. Texas makes me feel like a woman who can do anything. Something I have never had in a relationship is the uplifting encouragement and the belief in someone that they can do it. When he tells me that he is proud of me, something inside of me believes it. It's important to me, to feel confident in my life, also very important is the fact to have a partner who instills that in me. I try to let him know from time to time that I adore him, and I do. 

I mention feely shitty stuff, I definitely have stars in my eyes when I look at him. Okay, now here we go on the feely shitty stuff. Texas in my eyes is a beautiful man. GRRRRR, the way he talks, and the sound of his voice drive me crazy. He is the epitome of the most enticing male figure subjected to, the fantasy of romanticizing scenes of the unknown with eyes hypnotizing you to explore the sensuality of the human touch. I can't explain who this man is... I will add that his eyes are the sensual part of him. I remember the first time we were intimate, it was new to me, I had never had a man tell me to look at his eyes. Especially during intimacy, he wanted my eyes to pierce into his. I think it was to be one with him, I couldn't understand it, it was new for a man to direct me to do so. After that, I knew I would be in trouble, trouble in love. When I look into his eyes, I see many things about him, it's things that make me want him more; I don't think I can explain it, but he's pretty extraordinary. There are times when his eyes will turn color. He has those amazing hazel green eyes, and then another minute he has bluish beautiful eyes like the ocean. I love his eyes, can't get enough of them, I also love the stance he has, his posture when he leans against his door and smokes his cigarette. The way he holds his cigarette to smoke it and the way he releases the smoke from his mouth. I examine him in a relevant way, everything about him is wonderful, I'm so obsessed with him. The thing about me and him is that we have a growing understanding of each other. As he puts it, we are learning from each other, for me, he is teaching me to be more open to explaining myself and not keep it in. When someone says, you need to tell me, or let me know when you are bothered by something, let me know and we can talk about it. Who says that? In all my life of meeting and being with men, none has been as enduring as this man I know now. When I am with him, I'd go to the ends of the world with him, his voice captures me, and his presence is pure. I often pray to God to give me love to love him, the same love I give to my kids I pray for him. I love Texas in more ways than one, I think I loved my ex-husband well, but not as much as I love this Texas. 

So there is an obsession in me, maybe it seems like after reading this that it is a phase of feelings. It might be a phase, but it seems that it would last forever, and deep inside of me, I want it to last forever and not stop. What is forever? To me, forever is something that lasts only while we live on earth. I don't want to live forever alone on earth, I want it to be Texas. In a spiritual sense, I know we are going to live eternally together, if I left today, I would be on the other side waiting patiently for him to live eternally with him. In my heart and mind, I see us that way. I suppose it's his eyes that drew me in to believe such marvelous things. I hope I will keep writing this way forever about Texas. I hope that a year from now it will be the same writing about him as it is today. 

Dear Sweetheart

Dear Asshole, 

This is a letter to the man who changed my life. Before I met you, my life was normal: living the mom life and dating random guys. I searched many guys to find you, at least that is what it feels like. I know you hate soppy-feely shit, that is what I love about you. I remember the first time I met you, I admit that I replay it in my head many times a day. I think to myself of the "What if's", for example, what if I never responded to the Tinder match? I've mentioned to you before that I do not subscribe and pay monthly dues to dating apps like most people do. Of course, you do... ANYWAYS! Back to my story, oh yes, I was reflecting on the "What ifs ", just to paint a picture of what my time looked like when I was on Tinder. I suppose many out there do the same thing; lay in bed, sit on their couch, and just scroll. That was me, I am scrolling through Tinder and I come across your profile, at this point I am just looking for a man to have a casual encounter with and maybe never see him again. OR, I might be lucky to have a friend with benefits. That was my usual goal, so, I saw your profile and I am looking at your profile, just examining how much I might like being close to you. Maybe it might be a good match, I tell myself, "Oh hell, why not, I am going to just see if we match," Low and behold... we have a match! The celebration on the app tells me that you are interested in me too! Cause, if the app celebrates victory, then it means you're interested. Anywho, I think I will send a message, and this is my usual message, "Hello, how are you?" Then all of a sudden there is a response! So fast, I thought, then we message each other. On my end, I start out kinda bored, but, then you start to appear very interesting. You were so interested in who I was, asking me questions about my tribe and just being all fascinated about me. Then it switched up, because, during our messages back and forth, you asked me, "What are you looking for on this site." I think that is what you asked? I admit I am not 100% sure, I responded with no holding back, "To be honest, I am looking for sex, I just want to have sex." I was pretty blunt about it, thinking that this was going to be a casual encounter and I wouldn't see this man again! In my mind men here on this app, they're all the same... They're on here to find a good lay and that's it. No love, no relationship, no feely shitty romantic time, just use the bitch and go on with life to find another bitch. I was there too, I wanted to be a few steps ahead.

So, the response was good on your end, I really can't recall if you were surprised, or thankful that you found someone to play with? I read on your profile that you were traveling through, in my mind I thought this was going to be a very quick encounter, however, to my surprise, it was not going to be quick. You wasted no time in wanting to meet me, I admit, I was up to it. I think we messaged for 2-3 days. In those times I had no idea that you received notifications of where I was actually from, I laugh at this because on my profile it said I lived in Loma when I really lived somewhere else (I never indicate where I actually live). Tinder notifications of location snitched me out. I am smiling while I'm typing this to you. So, we agreed to meet on a Tuesday evening after you get off work. I agreed to the meeting, and you asked me where I wanted to meet, not thinking of where you actually were staying. I stated, "Hey, let's meet at Starbucks on North Ave?" You were like, "Where?" I was thinking, This guy... So I explained the location of Starbucks on North Ave. You told me about what time you were going to be there, as I recall it was at 7:30 pm because you let me know that you get home at 6:30 or so to take care of your dog. I thought to myself, I am going to be there at 7:25 pm, maybe earlier. When I got there, I was waiting for you, I sat in my vehicle and messaged you that I was at Starbucks. By the way, just so you know, I had it in my mind that if the guy I was seeing before you were to message me that evening, I was going to cancel. I know that's shitty, but that was who I was, I didn't want to be played, I wanted to be two steps ahead to play the guy (Because I believed all men were players). There were men who I've met that did that to me, I don't like that. So, not knowing entirely who you were, I had my guard up.

I waited and messaged you, I actually thought you were sitting inside the shop. A guy was sitting in the corner with his laptop and he looked like you, he smiled at me. I thought, NA! That ain't him. Then you messaged me, "I don't think I am at the right place?" Of course, dumb me thought you knew where places were in Grand Junction! Uh... Diana, hello, this man is from Texas and he doesn't know this place. So, I remembered directing you to where I was. I let you know that I was inside sitting, and then you arrived. I was relieved you made it to where I was. I remember the first time I saw you, you were tall and very construction-like, and I was mesmerized by who you were. In my mind, all I thought of was I hope I don't look bad. I didn't want you to be disappointed in my features, my skin tone, and the size of my body. Mostly, my body was a concern. But, you came to me and gave me a hug. I have never met a man who just comes up to a woman and gives a warm hug. Maybe, it was at that moment when I felt a bit of a home in you. You led the way to the counter to buy me coffee, and we decided to sit outside. I remember the spot where we sat, that night there was a baseball game going on across the street at Stoker Stadium. I listened to your voice, I looked into your eyes, then I realized you were a smoker. But, it didn't bother me, I don't know why? It just didn't bother me. You made me laugh, I saw your smile, and it was a wonderful evening, we stayed talking outside of Starbucks till they closed. I remembered you touched my hand, and then you touched my leg. You were so warm, when you and I walked toward our vehicles, you held my hand while we were walking, then you asked me, or I let you know it was okay to kiss me. You were so thankful, I remembered the first time I kissed you. My body was so happy, I loved the way you kissed, you are a really good kisser. We held onto each other in the parking lot, you wouldn't let go of me. We got a bit spicy outside near your truck, you teased me and made me laugh. I looked at you in awe, like I was in trouble. I am not sure, but I believe I fell in love with you that night. I was kind of scared, but I told myself, this is just a short-term deal and we will cut it short and he'll be gone. 

After that night, we saw each other week after week, night after night, then you'd go home to Texas to do family things, then return back to Colorado. We really got to know each other, you know I am a different woman who leaves men alone and doesn't chase them. I live my life and you live yours, you know that I get jealous, and I know you hate liars. The only thing that I lied to you about, was the times I told you that when you leave, I wasn't going to miss you. That was a lie. Because I miss you every day sweetheart. I hope, if you ever read this, you know that you are the only man in my life who loved me, and I know you loved me. Do not try to deny it, you did love me, as I loved you deeply. You have brought out of me the woman I thought I wasn't, but you believed in me, it means a lot when a man believes in a woman. In my wildest dreams, you were just something I never deserved. Thank you so much for being a part of my life, even though you are an asshole. I love you and always will. Just remember, when you leave, I am not going to be your friend. But that might change, who knows, it hurts too much to think about. Bye, baby.  

Last Night I Couldn't Sleep

Tonight I am awake and I cannot sleep, maybe it's because I had some coffee early in the evening. Last night I spent some quality time with my boyfriend, let's just say he is my boyfriend. I haven't written an entry on my blog lately, there have been some changes in my life. I have a new job and the process of trying to go back to school to get my doctorate degree. Then there is my boyfriend who I am still seeing and enjoying every minute of my time with him. The days go by quick and soon he will be gone. As fast as he appeared in my life, he would leave very quickly from my life. It is late and I am awake and can't sleep, thoughts of him are in my head. I am already weeping for him, and he hasn't left yet. I feel helpless and don't know what to do, I dread the fact that he is not going to be around anymore, I won't drive to his place anymore to hang out and make love to him. 

This blog entry will not make sense, I need to figure out what to write? I am not sure how to put things in words to state what my feelings are for him. The thing is that I didn't want to feel this way for him, it just happened. You know when you haven't had anyone in a long time and you just go through dates like it's a routine? But then you meet someone, and then it feels like home? Texas feels like home, I cannot deny it, you know what I wish? I wish Texas would love me back, in some ways I feel his love for me. Then again, I think it's nothing, I was not the same the first time I met Texas. I have found myself in so many ways, and that is exactly what he did for me. I fell in love again, but it's not like the love I experienced in past relationships, it's a different fall-in-love thing. Last night I really fell in love with him, when I look at him it's like looking at his soul. If having a soulmate is like the way I feel about him, then I don't want it to end. Sometimes, I wish life was fair, I wish it was kinda easy, and kinda compassionate. I would like to have Texas be my soulmate, to be my life, yeah it would be nice to have that kind of true love. 

I know this entry is dumb and it is crazy, but so is my heart. I am definitely not cut out to be this way, not to love, not to live as though I did have a soulmate. Do you know what the sad part is? That Texas will be a memory, like a wave in the ocean, the togetherness we have now, won't matter anymore. The way that I am feeling will eventually fade away, it will be a dream I had, and there won't be any pictures of us to say we once were. Texas is just an idea, the idea that living in the moment is what matters now. All this, the thoughts and the dread of not having Texas anymore won't exist and I will be myself again. Life goes on and dreams are lived and then forgotten. I love you Texas, you are in my memories. 

Fear Is The Substance Of Regret

So lately, it has been a busy time in my life. I am still seeing my Texas man, he is still here and he is busy these days. I miss not seeing him at times, in the beginning, it was supposed to be a thing, an arrangement of some sort. You know, sometimes when friends with benefits turn into something else? Well, it would seem that this thing that I thought was going to be not so serious in my mind, now in my mind is serious. In my heart, it seems to want to stay with him only. However, it is not that way at all, he is someone I have always avoided in my life, someone to explore with, someone who does things that only the brave experienced women do. Oh, but there is something he sparked in me. 

In the last months or so, this man has gotten me so enthralled into a web of desire. I am not sure if it's the sober being of who he is, or if it's something else. I have always wondered about our souls, what is it that makes soulmates, soulmates? I often wonder about us. Let me describe what kind of man he is, this man has a beard, and I have always loved beards on men. I just love the way it feels on my lips and on me. That is just my preference, I suppose I had a bit of a crush on Grizzly Adams when I was a little girl. So my Texas has a sexy beard, and his eyes are so intriguing. Maybe it's eyes that persuade me so much that I just want to do what he wants me to do. Okay, let me tell you about me, I love the direction in a man. I love the way the man takes charge in all situations, whether it be in life or in the bedroom. I love it when a man plans dates, tells me what to do, and gives me rules. It turns me on, there is something about a man like this, a sober man, who is just as sexy as all hell. I love submission, the thing about him is that when I first met him, he was not that way off the bat. It was subtle and keen, he was like a warrior in the bushes waiting it out to see how he could catch me. Oh yes, Texas has tattoos on his body that define who he is, and yes, he is so protective of me. Oh-My-LORD... I love his protection, he is so comforting and so strong with no fear to protect. He's furious and like a man to sweep me away from all the stress of my days. 

As a single parent, I do not like to plan, I had to take charge of everything in my life, figure things out, and possess stress that I dreaded. A man like Texas, it's a relief to my life not to worry about things, when we are together, we have our lovemaking and fun. Then afterward it's spending time to talk and get things out of our heads. We lay around and listen to music, watch YouTube music videos, and discuss. We mainly discuss silly things, like what the YouTube music video is actually about, and at times it can be sad and we cry a bit with each other. Mostly, he likes to make me cry with music videos. Our times of solitude may seem so silly and boring to most people, but we are such hermits that it fits. I don't like going out much, and he doesn't either, we like to stay in and relax with his dog and cat together in his trailer. The one thing that he got me into is wrestling, I love to watch wrestling with him, the Wrestling Mania drama that ensues on TV. The good guy and the bad guy, I love it, I love being close to him and feeling protected. 

It is weird though since I met him, we have been through a lot already. At least this is what I see on my part. In the beginning, things were smooth going, but then I was fired from my job, I was afraid to tell him about it, thinking that he was going to dump me and continue with his life with fun elsewhere. Then my van broke down at his trailer, and I had to get it moved by a towing company. My van stayed at his place for a good two days or so... mind you, we were not wanting to be called a couple at all. I did not want his buddies to think he was serious and make fun of him. Certain things have to take time to get to that point. After that, there was an accident that I had in October when I fell off my porch and dislocated my shoulder, then! I had to get surgery in December. At the beginning of the year, he really had to know me, I got jealous and we didn't speak to each other or see each other for at least two weeks or so. It seemed forever. He did not like that I got jealous and I chose not to text or bother him at all. I was going to continue life alone and without his company, it was a hard pill to swallow, because I missed him so much. But, out of the blue he texted me, and I was relieved that he didn't forget me. Then, after so many other things happening in such a short amount of time, we are still seeing each other, and I love the Snaps he sends me at night and in the morning. When he is gone I feel like a part of me is gone. Is that what it feels like? In the past months of me going through what seems like a lot, I would have thought the guy would get tired of me. It didn't happen that way, he stayed around and didn't leave me. It's impressive to me that there is that one man out of a million, maybe a billion of them that is who this guy is. Never have I ever met such a man like him, one who actually likes me, no matter what happens. 

There is this thing in my life where I wish I could tell him how much I really love him. I wish I could say the words of love that I want to tell him. To let him know that I'd give you my liver, my kidney, my heart if you needed it. Like my children, I'd die for him. It's weird to include him in with my children... My children mean the world to me, and Texas knows it too. He thinks I am a good loving mother. I love that he even includes them in our dinner dates. He wants to know how the doctor's meeting went with my daughter when she was sick. It's important to have a man to be concerned with me, to have the heart to want to know that my kids are well. I love Texas, I just wish I was not afraid to tell him how I feel. I guess I just don't want to feel stupid to tell him. It's a big deal to say those words, just like saying he is my boyfriend. That is hard to state because I am afraid to state it. However, I do state it behind his back, only because I like hearing myself say it. Fear is the substance of regret... The reality of knowing this is remarkable. Just like a doctor who reports what is on an X-ray, CT scan, or blood test. If there is a concern or an indication that is bad news they often describe it as "Remarkable."

There Is Bliss...

I am not sure how things come together to be perfect, one way or another. Sometimes the past can surprise you and it is so nice. I love the feeling of emptiness, and then the inducing presence of an old flame to fill that emptiness. One minute you're sad the next absolute bliss and satisfaction. Life can be complicated but it can also be fun. To be clear, my life is not centered on one man, I hope one day it will be, I always hope that the man who finds me so attractive does anything to want to be with me. I love the patience of a man who waits to see me, even when I have someone else in my life. It says a lot about a man, last night was all about me. This is exactly what he told me, I love that he stated that "it was all about me." We hadn't seen each other for a long time, well, it seemed like forever, since last summer. Last night we caught up in conversations about what was going on in our lives since the last time we were together. I enjoy times when a woman and a man can lay with each other and catch up. He never let go of my hand, he opened the door to my vehicle for me, he let me lay in his arms in his bed and held me tight. I have yearned for that kind of bliss. We don't see each other all the time, we are always busy working, so I suppose waiting is something I have to get used to. It's ironic that when one door closes, another door opens. I really needed him to hold me during the night, it's something my mind and my soul needed. 

I think the last time I was held in such a manner was my ex-husband, I loved being held in bed and kissing each other. It's the most romantic thing ever, to embrace and feel the warmth of lovely compassion. I don't know about other women, but it helps heal something inside, it heals a part of you that seems unbearable. The unbearable feeling is so familiar, the feeling is not fun to feel, then sometimes it can be good after having someone make it bearable and not that bad anymore. Being me is not a usual woman, I can handle almost a lot. However, there is the thing that some women have been through more trauma than I have. All I can share this morning is I am slowly getting there, and I have a friend who waits in the midst of me, patiently he waits for me, and that is a man who I really appreciate. 

When It Have Tough Days

At my age now going to be a year older soon, the things that used to be, are now what it is. Does that make sense? You can't change a thing in life that occurs, you have to let it be. There have been so many times when I didn't let it go, at the time I was an alcoholic, so my substance abuse didn't help. It made me stupid and not think soberly. Growing up is the most challenging thing in a person's life, you would think an adult would be smart enough to know that. If you take a moment to think about it, we are all children and immature in living. I am guilty of looking at people and thinking they need to grow up when in all reality I NEED TO GROW UP. Having to sit back and realize that you're the one immature judging people, also it isn't our place to judge. My son always tells me that, when I complain of Taylor Swift or Nancy Pelosi... I am smiling typing this. He lets me know by rebuking me and letting me know it's dangerous to try to sit on the throne that isn't intended for you. I love my son, but he makes me feel like a total ass, however, I really appreciate my boy. Even though he is 20 years old he is so wise and knowledgable at his young age. I pray for my son's wife, I pray for her to be the partner that will complete him 100%. It's important to do as a parent. I do the same for my daughter, I pray for her husband, my son-in-law to be a God-fearing man, a man after God's own heart, I want him to be that way so he can take care of my daughter and my grandkids. I don't want my children to be like me, alone without a life partner. I want them to have what I have always wanted. I was blessed with a marriage, but it didn't work out, however, I am thankful because I wouldn't have had my son or my daughter. 

There are a lot of lessons along the way of life, it is not easy to confess your sins, it's not easy to take the blame, and it isn't even easy to make choices to quit in life. I can tell you something about me, I am not a fighter for anyone, Meaning, men, I don't fight for men, instead I pray for them. It's a way to get through the ones left behind. It makes my life so much easier to pray for them. I pray a lot, I need to do this because the Bible tells me so. I try to read the Bible too, it helps in life to read the Book, do you remember the movie, Lonesome Dove? Gus, I love Gus, he is such a beautiful soul, and he makes my heart pitter-patter. Anyway, he is sitting by the campfire and just reading his Bible early in the morning drinking his coffee out of a tin cup. When his good friend comes up to him all riled up and unhappy, mocks him for sitting around. That Woodrow Crow is an old grumpy crow. But Gus, he's the man, has hardly any worries and he lives life like it was meant for him to live. If you haven't watched Lonesome Dove I suggest you set aside some hours and watch it, it's a good movie, or listen to the audiobook if you can't sit long enough to watch it. It amazes me that there are people out there who cannot sit too long to watch a movie! Or even sit and enjoy the scenery and the mountain air while fishing. I need to have a settled-minded person in my life, otherwise I'd go nuts! Some day, I will get what I have always wanted, in the meantime, I have to work out things for myself that I realize I need to do.

For me, it is important to measure the kind of person I am. Even after the separation of someone in my life who was there just for a brief moment. The thing about me is that I learned something about myself, and mind you, I have always tried to master the feeling of jealousy, and that is NOT BE JEALOUS. It's been a trial for me to defeat, even when I was married I was a jealous cat, I hissed at the women looking at my man, and I got ugly with my husband when he was at the bar without me. That was 24 years ago too! Even before my guy was my husband. Men are different, they seem to not get jealous, and maybe it's because they just care about the woman they are with. The last man never was jealous, it made me feel defeated that he matured more than me. Because I was the older one! Only by 2 years... aside from age, I apologize, I tend to go off in my writing. Last night, I woke up at 1:00 am in the morning and I could not go back to sleep, I sat in my bed and prayed and prayed, then I lay in my bed thinking about writing in my blog. My thoughts were, "I want to get up and write, but it's almost 2:00 am, and I need to rest." I finally laid myself to sleep, then I woke up late for work!!!! My usual time to wake up is 4:00 am in the morning. I love waking up early to sit and have my coffee and ponder, pray, and like Gus read the Good Book. But today I did not, my day is going to be a good day no matter what, I will believe that. 

So I am sitting here in my living room, drinking my coffee, admiring my life, and being thankful for being me and waking up to another day. This is what life is all about, not about money or riches, or having the finest things in life, it's about being content with what you have. Being thankful every day that you get to be alive and breathe. Listen, life isn't easy, no one said it would be. Otherwise, life would be so boring that we'd be living like zombies. Have a great day, and be thankful for today.

Transparency Is Not Easy, Discovering The Norm

One of the things that I pride myself on is my genuine way of moving on. It isn't easy to move on, however, it is good to do just that. Sometimes for most, it is really difficult to do. I suppose that I need to take a break from dating apps till I really heal. I have the gifts that Texan gave me, yeah, I can be content for a while till I heal. I am smiling about the gifts that Texan gave me. I wish that my shoulder was totally healed, that way I could escape to a cold place and sleep in my van. Just to experience the cold cold mornings on my own, I know it sounds crazy, but healing does make some people do crazy things. The thing about this encounter, it was a very nice encounter. I was happy now and then, but most often I was a ticking time bomb. The thing about me is that I am an old-fashioned woman, trying to keep up with the times of accepting people and who they associate themselves with is hard for me.

Texan, let me know from the beginning that he had girlfriends from where he used to work, places in the east, and also his primary ex-girlfriend. I suppose our encounter should have been a one-time deal and then never knew or saw each other again. But, he kept messaging me, always messaged me all the time. I was enthralled by him, and yes I did fall deeply in love. One of the traits I have is to fall too fast with a man whom I see or engage with every day. As I am getting over the things in the last 5 months, which is not that long, I start to examine myself. Where did I go wrong in this thing? First of all, I blame him, and me too, for showing me pictures of his ex-girlfriend's profile and all her pictures with him in it. Do you know how that makes me feel as an older woman? Like shit, and she is so successful in her career, high class. It was like he held her on a pedestal. Telling me they text each other EVERY DAY. That didn't help my brain. More than that, all the women he met along the way too! Texan proceeds to tell me about the women he was with moving from one location to another with his job! I tell ya, TICKING TIME BOMB. I should have let him know, but I was trying to be the cool woman, you know the one that doesn't give a shit about him. But I did. 

I am not a perfect woman by any means, I am human and yes there are issues that I am still dealing with. It sucks, sometimes fixing yourself really sucks. I hate that I get jealous, I hate that I have feelings, and I hate that I fall too hard for someone. At times I hate being me. I think it's normal for people to have these thoughts and feelings. In every person's life, there is something that they have to deal with and go through. In individual's lives, they haven't yet forgiven those who did them wrong. They carry baggage with them, it was that person who did me wrong or this and that happened, and I hate them. I know what I need to do, I have to forgive the terrible man who treated me like trash. It wasn't my ex-husband, I forgave him, it wasn't my daughter's dad, I forgave him. It was a particular man in my life whom I dated for a time, the most awful guy I ever met in my life. I wished I had never met him, I always tell people, that if I had to turn back time and do it all over again, I would delete that part out of my life. I know, typical woman issues, yes probably, but there are men out there who have the same kind of wish too. I often wonder, what was the purpose of my meeting this particular heartless, selfish kind of man? All I know is that I know that I have to forgive this guy. It is the hardest thing for me to do. 

As the days go on, and I am trying to unveil things in my life, I hope for the best. I pray for blessings on all persons whom I met in my life except that one guy, I just made myself smile and laugh. Just kidding, I do, I pray and hope for the best. We all have our foundation that we were set upon, it's actually cool to realize that we were built on a foundation. We can have it built strong or, we can build it and use sticks to watch it crumble to the ground. All I know is that life is something we have to live and appreciate the aspects and endure with great thankfulness that we are all here. Like children in preschool, we have to forgive and carry on. If we don't we will not see easy paths to continue on. Just like the Beauty Way and the Hozho Way, we all have to be on the path of positivity, if we are living negatively then our path will lead us to destruction. Just like keeping our eyes on the prize of Jesus Christ. I am better just being here on this blog that helps me get through things in my life. 

Just this morning I was in a crying session, I don't know, sometimes it happens. But I was very sad, it was like my heart broke into a million pieces. I just sat in my living room holding a paper towel to my face and wept. I prayed to God to help me, comfort me Jesus, my heart still hurts, but it's good. While I sat on my couch praying and crying to the Lord, I asked him to hold me, hold me, and comfort me. The one thing that came into my mind was the simple verse, "Be still and know that I am God". At that moment my tears were dried. How wonderful it is that when you are broken or going through stuff, He lets you know something so simple. I wanted to share that, just know that He is not too far away from you and He understands. I know God and His voice, it is so sweet to hear, He is a gentle kind, loving God.

Well, I suppose I have ranted my rant and there will be another day of me ranting on and on about living in my fifties. Enjoy your Martin Luther King Jr. weekend.