It's 4:00 am in the morning, I lay in bed thinking that I need to get up. But, I hit the snooze button and slept for 30 min. By this time I have to get up and greet the morning, it's hard to get up and start the day and make your bed. I do it anyway, I look at my phone and my Texas man Snapchatted me last night and missed it because I was asleep. This week was a bizarre week for me, last week was a bit better than this week. I felt normal before, but now, not that great. Yesterday, driving home from work, my mind was in a whirlwind. I am not sure why my stomach was in knots, am I getting delusional about everything in my life? Not sure if it's because of the extra stress that is on me this week? Or if the knots in my belly are telling me there is something wrong and am I going to be humiliated by the one man I think is my friend? I haven't eaten at all this week because of the deepening stress of the unknown. Is there something that he is keeping from me? When I feel like this I try to overcome it and move on from this awful feeling, I pray to God to reveal whatever it is that is making me feel this way.
I sat in my car in front of my home crying and sobbing in prayer talking to Jesus to take this feeling away. The pit of my stomach is twisted in knots and the feeling of betrayal is deep. I am not sure if Jesus had that same feeling in the pit of His stomach when he was weeping at Gethsemane before the Romans took Him away. It was then the revelation of Judas's kiss on the cheek revealed the betrayal as the Romans arrested Jesus. Jesus knows what betrayal feels like, maybe, it is one of those things that we all have. It's like a curse to have that feeling of sickening feeling. The last time I had this feeling was when my ex-husband was seeing someone else. I knew it, and for some reason, he kept it from me and I believe it was to protect the woman he was seeing. I understand, then at the same time, I don't. If a man is protecting a woman from another woman, just tell the woman you're with the truth so she can move on. It's that simple. I hate to be the one who is the idiot who hangs around to the end of the relationship that is going to end when they leave.
I would rather not continue this thing I agreed to, and then stop. Because this feeling really sucks. I fell in love with this guy and we did have an agreement when we met that it was going to be this way. I really don't want to continue if this feeling of sickness continues and he is not honest with me. Friends don't treat friends this way. When he leaves, I will leave too, I will heal as I have always done. But, I would rather do it now. I don't want to be friends with a man who thinks he has another woman who he can use as a prop when he is lonely while he finds a woman to fuck. There is also the list of women friends this guy has that reach out to him every day, it's so cool, not. The women are his friends and he gets calls from them every day, he is constantly saying, they call for dating advice and they always want his opinion. He raises them up to get them going, to make sure they are living well. His intention is to have me as part of his list of stupid women who are dumb and lonely and not independent enough to do it on their own. I would rather not be one of those stupid women. No contact after this shit show is done and he will be another memory like the rest. On his part, he did his job and he can get over it like it was another normal day.
Some things are good, and days can be just good, depending on the person you're with. To have a friend is to be honest and true to them. at least that is what I think a friend is supposed to be. I do wear my love on my sleeves, especially when I spend a large amount of time with someone. I want to explain myself of what exactly a woman I have become. I thank my ex-husband for making me this way, it really is the way that I have always lived. When a friend lies to me or a man who is a lover of mine becomes friends with me, then eventually betrays me, I eliminate them from my life, there is no going back at all. I have an explicit action that engages no contact from them. It will be as if I have fallen off the face of the earth and never was known in their lives. Sometimes, it doesn't happen quickly, in the past there has been a few that have come back into my life, but I was drunk, so it was easy to trick me. I am sober now, it is easy for me to shut down people out of my life without any form of contact. Plus, I am a hard-headed woman and that is a plus for me. I particularly don't like to put up with people who play kind to me have their way with me and lie to me while we're friends. In my world, the lonely defiant, hard-pressed woman comes out. I suppose it is good because if the garbage of unkind, unloyal, dishonest people is in my life now, I can discard them unequivocally and it will help me grow beautifully. As long as they are completely out of my life. I can look forward to breathing again and gaining the strength to live and endure. Then somewhere down the road, I'll do it all over again. This is the story of a 50-something-year-old single Navajo woman, it's good to be me.
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