Have you ever struggled in your mind before? Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that it seems like nothing is getting better? I have those days—and lately, the weight feels heavier than ever. I’m not sure if it’s because I allow things to get into my head and pull me down. Take work, finances, major decisions, and even caring for my aging animals, for example. I’ve been struggling with having just one income to rely on—I’m simply trying to make ends meet. It’s a constant battle. Whenever relief seems close, it slips away, leaving me more exhausted.
On top of everything, there’s pressure from my daughter. It’s her senior year—what should be the happiest and most exciting time of her life—but it hasn’t been. Instead, I feel bombarded by responsibilities, weighed down to the point where I sometimes just want to escape. I know I shouldn’t think this way, but my mind is full of regrets and self-criticism. Yesterday was especially hard. I had to work, but my thoughts were heavy and difficult to sort through. I hold myself to such high standards—sometimes too high—and I’m struggling to keep up with them. I don’t know how to make things better for myself.
Last night, I drove out into the country alone. Sitting in my car in the darkness, I broke down and sobbed. The thoughts running through my mind scared me. Sometimes, your own thoughts can be your worst enemy. Earlier in the day, while driving to meet a client to ensure she was receiving the care she needed, my mind wandered to Chris Cornell. Do you know who he is? He was the lead singer of Soundgarden and Audioslave—a close friend of Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder. At 52 years old, he decided to leave this world on his own. There’s been a lot of speculation about why he did it. Maybe the struggle to stay happy became too much. Maybe there were deeper wounds no one saw. I can only guess. But for me, I know this—I’ve often felt like a failure. I mean, I have both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree—wasn’t that supposed to make me feel accomplished? But no, it didn’t. I’m supposed to be happy with the life I’ve built, but I’m not. Somehow, life finds a way to bring anguish—lately, it’s felt relentless.
As I sat alone in my car, my thoughts became darker. For a brief moment, I wondered if leaving—like Chris did—was the answer. That moment terrified me. I burst into tears while driving, realizing I needed to talk to someone. These thoughts creep in when you least expect them. I didn’t even think this way when my ex-husband left me for another woman. My son was a sweet, chubby little boy back then, and I wanted to be there for him. He was my whole world, the reason I kept going. When my ex looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t love you anymore, and I don’t want you,” my only thought was, ‘Okay.’ And I moved on. I was determined. I made plenty of mistakes along the way, but the best choices I ever made were my son and my daughter. If I could go back, I would relive those moments—carrying them in my belly, hearing their first cries. Even when I thought I’d be alone in the hospital after giving birth to my daughter, God sent angels to my side. I wasn’t alone after all. The best feeling is when God shows up just when you need Him most.
Last night, I called the suicide hotline. It’s hard to admit, and honestly, it’s embarrassing. I didn’t want to call my boyfriend—he’d have too many questions, and I didn’t want to explain myself. I didn’t want to look weak. I tried calling people I know, but no one answered. The hotline was what I needed at that moment, but I know I need more. Today, my mission is to get through work, let my boss know I need to make some calls, and reach out for help. I need to talk to someone who will pray with me—who will hold my hand and lift these burdens with me. Right now, the weight of the world feels too heavy, and I can’t carry it alone anymore.
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