Dear Sweetheart

Dear Asshole, 

This is a letter to the man who changed my life. Before I met you, my life was normal: living the mom life and dating random guys. I searched many guys to find you, at least that is what it feels like. I know you hate soppy-feely shit, that is what I love about you. I remember the first time I met you, I admit that I replay it in my head many times a day. I think to myself of the "What if's", for example, what if I never responded to the Tinder match? I've mentioned to you before that I do not subscribe and pay monthly dues to dating apps like most people do. Of course, you do... ANYWAYS! Back to my story, oh yes, I was reflecting on the "What ifs ", just to paint a picture of what my time looked like when I was on Tinder. I suppose many out there do the same thing; lay in bed, sit on their couch, and just scroll. That was me, I am scrolling through Tinder and I come across your profile, at this point I am just looking for a man to have a casual encounter with and maybe never see him again. OR, I might be lucky to have a friend with benefits. That was my usual goal, so, I saw your profile and I am looking at your profile, just examining how much I might like being close to you. Maybe it might be a good match, I tell myself, "Oh hell, why not, I am going to just see if we match," Low and behold... we have a match! The celebration on the app tells me that you are interested in me too! Cause, if the app celebrates victory, then it means you're interested. Anywho, I think I will send a message, and this is my usual message, "Hello, how are you?" Then all of a sudden there is a response! So fast, I thought, then we message each other. On my end, I start out kinda bored, but, then you start to appear very interesting. You were so interested in who I was, asking me questions about my tribe and just being all fascinated about me. Then it switched up, because, during our messages back and forth, you asked me, "What are you looking for on this site." I think that is what you asked? I admit I am not 100% sure, I responded with no holding back, "To be honest, I am looking for sex, I just want to have sex." I was pretty blunt about it, thinking that this was going to be a casual encounter and I wouldn't see this man again! In my mind men here on this app, they're all the same... They're on here to find a good lay and that's it. No love, no relationship, no feely shitty romantic time, just use the bitch and go on with life to find another bitch. I was there too, I wanted to be a few steps ahead.

So, the response was good on your end, I really can't recall if you were surprised, or thankful that you found someone to play with? I read on your profile that you were traveling through, in my mind I thought this was going to be a very quick encounter, however, to my surprise, it was not going to be quick. You wasted no time in wanting to meet me, I admit, I was up to it. I think we messaged for 2-3 days. In those times I had no idea that you received notifications of where I was actually from, I laugh at this because on my profile it said I lived in Loma when I really lived somewhere else (I never indicate where I actually live). Tinder notifications of location snitched me out. I am smiling while I'm typing this to you. So, we agreed to meet on a Tuesday evening after you get off work. I agreed to the meeting, and you asked me where I wanted to meet, not thinking of where you actually were staying. I stated, "Hey, let's meet at Starbucks on North Ave?" You were like, "Where?" I was thinking, This guy... So I explained the location of Starbucks on North Ave. You told me about what time you were going to be there, as I recall it was at 7:30 pm because you let me know that you get home at 6:30 or so to take care of your dog. I thought to myself, I am going to be there at 7:25 pm, maybe earlier. When I got there, I was waiting for you, I sat in my vehicle and messaged you that I was at Starbucks. By the way, just so you know, I had it in my mind that if the guy I was seeing before you were to message me that evening, I was going to cancel. I know that's shitty, but that was who I was, I didn't want to be played, I wanted to be two steps ahead to play the guy (Because I believed all men were players). There were men who I've met that did that to me, I don't like that. So, not knowing entirely who you were, I had my guard up.

I waited and messaged you, I actually thought you were sitting inside the shop. A guy was sitting in the corner with his laptop and he looked like you, he smiled at me. I thought, NA! That ain't him. Then you messaged me, "I don't think I am at the right place?" Of course, dumb me thought you knew where places were in Grand Junction! Uh... Diana, hello, this man is from Texas and he doesn't know this place. So, I remembered directing you to where I was. I let you know that I was inside sitting, and then you arrived. I was relieved you made it to where I was. I remember the first time I saw you, you were tall and very construction-like, and I was mesmerized by who you were. In my mind, all I thought of was I hope I don't look bad. I didn't want you to be disappointed in my features, my skin tone, and the size of my body. Mostly, my body was a concern. But, you came to me and gave me a hug. I have never met a man who just comes up to a woman and gives a warm hug. Maybe, it was at that moment when I felt a bit of a home in you. You led the way to the counter to buy me coffee, and we decided to sit outside. I remember the spot where we sat, that night there was a baseball game going on across the street at Stoker Stadium. I listened to your voice, I looked into your eyes, then I realized you were a smoker. But, it didn't bother me, I don't know why? It just didn't bother me. You made me laugh, I saw your smile, and it was a wonderful evening, we stayed talking outside of Starbucks till they closed. I remembered you touched my hand, and then you touched my leg. You were so warm, when you and I walked toward our vehicles, you held my hand while we were walking, then you asked me, or I let you know it was okay to kiss me. You were so thankful, I remembered the first time I kissed you. My body was so happy, I loved the way you kissed, you are a really good kisser. We held onto each other in the parking lot, you wouldn't let go of me. We got a bit spicy outside near your truck, you teased me and made me laugh. I looked at you in awe, like I was in trouble. I am not sure, but I believe I fell in love with you that night. I was kind of scared, but I told myself, this is just a short-term deal and we will cut it short and he'll be gone. 

After that night, we saw each other week after week, night after night, then you'd go home to Texas to do family things, then return back to Colorado. We really got to know each other, you know I am a different woman who leaves men alone and doesn't chase them. I live my life and you live yours, you know that I get jealous, and I know you hate liars. The only thing that I lied to you about, was the times I told you that when you leave, I wasn't going to miss you. That was a lie. Because I miss you every day sweetheart. I hope, if you ever read this, you know that you are the only man in my life who loved me, and I know you loved me. Do not try to deny it, you did love me, as I loved you deeply. You have brought out of me the woman I thought I wasn't, but you believed in me, it means a lot when a man believes in a woman. In my wildest dreams, you were just something I never deserved. Thank you so much for being a part of my life, even though you are an asshole. I love you and always will. Just remember, when you leave, I am not going to be your friend. But that might change, who knows, it hurts too much to think about. Bye, baby.