Today Will Be One Year

Today, it is the day when we met tonight at Starbucks on North Avenue in Grand Junction Colorado. This day last year, we met on Tinder two days ago, or should I say, two nights ago. I often wonder why we met, how did two souls meet? I have always heard of stories that couples meet on Tinder and it works, I have never really believed that I would meet someone long-term. When we first met, it was love at first sight. I didn’t really believe in that either. However, when I met him, it felt as though it was. When I first met and saw him, I was attracted to him. There is an entry in my blog about when we first met and the night we finally got to meet. The funny thing was that when we were together, it felt as though I had known him already. Like, I had met him before, we started to get to know each other and we conversed with our coffee, his unsweet tea in front of him. We laughed and he looked at me like I was a shiny toy, and I loved that feeling. For me, I was not used to this feeling of a man acting excited like a little boy. He was that night, to me I thought he was crazy to act like I was some huge prize, but he made me feel that way. I didn’t know if I was the one who was crazy, but I went with it, I just didn’t think at the time, that an actual man would think of me otherwise. However, now I know that he did in fact see me as more than I thought of myself. At the time, I was not thoughtful of myself, let alone most men who are on dating sites. I was thinking he was going to be this one-night stand thing. Well, one year later… I guess I was wrong.

I suppose, in my mind, I had this idea that when he stated short-term, I was thinking maybe at most 6 months and that was going to be the end of the thing that we had. We actually had an agreement. The agreement was to be this sexual thing and have fun with one another. However, conversations turn into deep thoughts of life, watching each other grow in our position of life, and meet each other at a deeper connective level. I started to love the control level he possessed over me. I never knew that subtle control in a man would be sexy, to have that realization was a bombshell in my mind. There were a lot of good times, a lot of first times with him, like a real couple thing. I loved every moment of it. 

When you are a woman of certain desires, it’s interesting that they can come to fruition at such a late age in life. Being an older woman, helps me appreciate intimacy at a very intriguing level. In my whole womanhood life did I ever think that there were some interesting healthy sexual activities to be explored? I know I am going deep, but, this is my page I can be as open to what my life as a 50-something woman experiences. At my age, I think it’s important to know the key aspects of who we are as women. The later age is often taboo to admit and realize women in their 50s or even 60s do have wonderful sexual experiences. Some may think no, not really, or untrue. To me, I am having the time of my life with someone I love at a deeper level. I am not sure what life will entail after he leaves me. All I know is that I am thankful for now, I am thankful for the time I have with Texas, and I hope we can enjoy one another on another new level. Whatever happens to us as life carries on, I will always keep him in my mind and in my heart all the days of my life. He will be the only man I will treasure, and the only man I have ever truly loved. Happy Year Anniversary my sexy Texas man, you are the love of my life for now, until you leave me. 

The Battleground of The Mind

I don't understand why the thoughts in my mind are going crazy? Why am I thinking so much and making myself crazy, it has gotten to the point that I'm unable to eat. Last night I had to pray hard for the Lord to help my mind, to take away thoughts that were hindering my body. I was in tears just begging God to help me. My gut was wrenching in pain, and I just couldn't think right. When I prayed and begged the Lord to help me, I felt alone, like the world had crumbled around me. All I could do was clean, wash the dishes, take stuff out of my car, rearrange, and I just couldn't sit, because sitting causes me to think. Why in thought does it make you crazy? I don't understand the depth of the mind, it's as though it is the battleground that sabotages the happiness of yourself. In the past, I have sabotaged the good things in my life. My mind was the enemy, and it still is apparently, it goes in a whirlwind of exterior things that are delusional. The delusion of the mind can play tricks on you. It's very concerning. All I can ask is, is it the past experiences of things that cause the mind to get out of control? While I am thinking all these things, the words that are being typed, I wonder what a counselor would say? How do they approach individuals who struggle with the mind of someone who thinks too much? I suppose the best thing is to keep moving and create a space where you do things to keep from sitting and thinking too much. 

Last night when I was in thought and it was going so out of control that my stomach was sick, I couldn't think of anything else but to pray. While praying to Jesus, I stood at the kitchen sink silently weeping, hoping my daughter didn't hear me. The prayers at the speed of 123, 123, 123, 123. Over and over again, I summoned the Holy Spirit to cover my mind, to cover the brain cells, the chemicals that were intertwining within the fibers of my brain. I wanted the thoughts of something terrible to stop, and hoping they would disappear; the feeling of, "I know it", "I felt it", but was it real? At the end of processing myself and reevaluating my thoughts and how I was feeling, my mind settled down. My body started to feel less anxious, less stressed, and less mindful. I felt relief, I felt as though the enemy fled from me and I could breathe again. It was then I thought, I have to keep moving in prayer, I know the mind is a terrible place especially when a good thing in your life is there. My Texas is my dopamine, my serotonin, I realize this and I need to get my mind in check again. I don't know why the feelings of defeat are upon me, and I am just anxious. I feel helpless, and I need to be strong, I have to gain momentum again and set aside the uncertainty of what the future holds with another person. First of all, it shouldn't be an issue, life is built on how things come together, whether it be the forces of nature or the way we live. 

I will need to get myself a counselor for the rest of the year and beyond, I will be delving into a life of commitment, a life that consists of reading and filling my brain with a goal in mind. In my mind, I want to hold the current friendship through this commitment, but I am afraid to do it. I'm afraid because I might lose the friendship through the goal I'm aiming for. I suppose that is what it takes, trusting that the way is going to be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I have to have the courage to move forward, to set aside some things in my life, and know in my heart that sometimes when things in life come together it is the foundation that is being built. I am always reminded of this, "Take courage in yourself, take courage, and do not fear..."

Thinking too Much Can Destroy a Good Thing

In the last week, my mind has been so crazy. I do not know why the mind has to think too much. So the last few weeks my mind has just been in a frenzy of thoughts, I don't know why? Maybe, because of my insecurities. I hate that I have insecurities, I hate that I don't feel like I have any trust in the one person I love. The other day, I felt so bad that I neglected to communicate with my friend, my lover man Texas. I know we are friends who love experiences together, and we are friends who enjoy being with each other and respect one another, I respect him as someone who has feelings. Even though he doesn't want to admit he does, I know he does. Anyway, it is Sunday and my daughter who loves to attend the evening services of church, let me know that she wants to participate in that evening. I was obliged to do so and go with her. So we went together, it takes me a while to want to go to church, but I do. However, as a confession, my mind was battling the whole service of the thoughts of Texas. Because I turned my phone to airplane mode. While I was in church, all I thought of was him, and I was hoping he knew that I was in church, because I didn't relay the message to him that I was going to be in church with my daughter.

The feeling of neglecting a person bothers me. I hate that feeling of just shutting off the ones I love or the feeling of someone shutting me off. It really bothered me, I was not happy with myself. After church my daughter wanted to take me to dinner, so after church, I was anxious to get on my phone to let him know that I just got out of the church with my daughter. I saw the message on Snapchat, and on my regular phone, oh my heart sank. My mind started to race to the thoughts of "You stupid woman" you forgot to communicate to him. I immediately messaged him back and let him know that we just got out of the church, and I was about to have dinner with my daughter. He seemed a bit irritated, but I was not sure. If it was me? Or if he actually was? However, if I was him, I would've been very irritated. His response was, "I'm already eating and when you didn't respond I left cause I was hungry." I let him know that I was happy he got something to eat. Then I let him know what was going on, and what the plan was with my daughter, even though I still felt bad. I guess it's because I value the way he feels, that is if he has feelings, I'm smiling at what I just typed. I know that Texas has feelings, because I feel his love and kindness towards me, even though sometimes he can be an ass, but to me, he is a sweet ass. He is my sweet ass. 

I called him that night to hear his voice and just to let him know that we just got home. I also wanted to let him know that I was sorry for not letting him know about that evening. He seemed irritated with me, and somehow I think he didn't believe me. His response was, "It's okay, ARE WE MARRIED?" I was taken aback at the response, I said, "No, we are not, I just felt bad about it." It was then I knew, and you always know, the one person that you care so much about, is the one person you don't ever want to hurt. What I mean is that I could never want to hurt my friend whom I love very much. I suppose, what I mean is that I could never want to sneak around and lie to my friend because it would hurt me so much. Or say anything negative about him, now, in my mind, there is much negativity that I have to tell my Jesus about, and I'm smiling at what I'm typing. But, it usually disappears after a day or two, and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. The next day, I had to explain how I felt about us, our friendship, and how I felt about unintentionally blocking our conversations for just an hour, but I should've let him know what the plan was with my daughter because I didn't want him to worry about me and our friendship. I let him know that I value him as a friend of mine, I value who he is because, after all, we will have known each other for a whole year. His response was unexpected to me because he is not a feely smooshy kind of man. But he let me know that he appreciated me, and appreciated my message to him. I know that he is a beautiful man, he really is, I may have outrageous thoughts that go off the deep end, but he is my friend. I am not sure how I will feel when he is gone, when friendships that I develop over time and then we don't communicate for a long time, it seems that we can pick up where we left off. I believe, that even though we may be disconnected in the future, we will always pick up where we left off. I love you Texas, always. You are my sweet sexy ass that will never leave my mind. Even if I tried, I know you wouldn't allow it.

The Story of a Fifty Something Year Old Navajo Woman

It's 4:00 am in the morning, I lay in bed thinking that I need to get up. But, I hit the snooze button and slept for 30 min. By this time I have to get up and greet the morning, it's hard to get up and start the day and make your bed. I do it anyway, I look at my phone and my Texas man Snapchatted me last night and missed it because I was asleep. This week was a bizarre week for me, last week was a bit better than this week. I felt normal before, but now, not that great. Yesterday, driving home from work, my mind was in a whirlwind. I am not sure why my stomach was in knots, am I getting delusional about everything in my life? Not sure if it's because of the extra stress that is on me this week? Or if the knots in my belly are telling me there is something wrong and am I going to be humiliated by the one man I think is my friend? I haven't eaten at all this week because of the deepening stress of the unknown. Is there something that he is keeping from me? When I feel like this I try to overcome it and move on from this awful feeling, I pray to God to reveal whatever it is that is making me feel this way.

I sat in my car in front of my home crying and sobbing in prayer talking to Jesus to take this feeling away. The pit of my stomach is twisted in knots and the feeling of betrayal is deep. I am not sure if Jesus had that same feeling in the pit of His stomach when he was weeping at Gethsemane before the Romans took Him away. It was then the revelation of Judas's kiss on the cheek revealed the betrayal as the Romans arrested Jesus. Jesus knows what betrayal feels like, maybe, it is one of those things that we all have. It's like a curse to have that feeling of sickening feeling. The last time I had this feeling was when my ex-husband was seeing someone else. I knew it, and for some reason, he kept it from me and I believe it was to protect the woman he was seeing. I understand, then at the same time, I don't. If a man is protecting a woman from another woman, just tell the woman you're with the truth so she can move on. It's that simple. I hate to be the one who is the idiot who hangs around to the end of the relationship that is going to end when they leave.

I would rather not continue this thing I agreed to, and then stop. Because this feeling really sucks. I fell in love with this guy and we did have an agreement when we met that it was going to be this way. I really don't want to continue if this feeling of sickness continues and he is not honest with me. Friends don't treat friends this way. When he leaves, I will leave too, I will heal as I have always done. But, I would rather do it now. I don't want to be friends with a man who thinks he has another woman who he can use as a prop when he is lonely while he finds a woman to fuck. There is also the list of women friends this guy has that reach out to him every day, it's so cool, not. The women are his friends and he gets calls from them every day, he is constantly saying, they call for dating advice and they always want his opinion. He raises them up to get them going, to make sure they are living well. His intention is to have me as part of his list of stupid women who are dumb and lonely and not independent enough to do it on their own. I would rather not be one of those stupid women. No contact after this shit show is done and he will be another memory like the rest. On his part, he did his job and he can get over it like it was another normal day. 

Some things are good, and days can be just good, depending on the person you're with. To have a friend is to be honest and true to them. at least that is what I think a friend is supposed to be. I do wear my love on my sleeves, especially when I spend a large amount of time with someone. I want to explain myself of what exactly a woman I have become. I thank my ex-husband for making me this way, it really is the way that I have always lived. When a friend lies to me or a man who is a lover of mine becomes friends with me, then eventually betrays me, I eliminate them from my life, there is no going back at all. I have an explicit action that engages no contact from them. It will be as if I have fallen off the face of the earth and never was known in their lives. Sometimes, it doesn't happen quickly, in the past there has been a few that have come back into my life, but I was drunk, so it was easy to trick me. I am sober now, it is easy for me to shut down people out of my life without any form of contact. Plus, I am a hard-headed woman and that is a plus for me. I particularly don't like to put up with people who play kind to me have their way with me and lie to me while we're friends. In my world, the lonely defiant, hard-pressed woman comes out. I suppose it is good because if the garbage of unkind, unloyal, dishonest people is in my life now, I can discard them unequivocally and it will help me grow beautifully. As long as they are completely out of my life. I can look forward to breathing again and gaining the strength to live and endure. Then somewhere down the road, I'll do it all over again. This is the story of a 50-something-year-old single Navajo woman, it's good to be me. 

I Don't Think Delusional, But He Thinks I Am

When the tides are broken it tends to be weird and strange. Last night, I confessed my deepest inner secretive feelings, words that may have sounded delusional but they were true. In the moment when I told him, I felt free from the grips of fear and felt the solitude of contentment. Texan, didn't say much, and I know that of him. This is what makes him who he is, just a beautiful, wonderful man. There are some things you can tell a man and some things you would rather not. Last night I had to confess what I have held all these months that I have known him. Some of the things that were said were, "I cry about you every day, and when you leave I will cry even more." I could not keep the confessions in, "When I love someone, I get this sick feeling in my stomach, and when they leave it gets worse where I can't eat and when I do, I can't keep it in." The feelings of things that happen to me continue to be spoken as how I am when I fall in love. His response was, "That's not good. Don't do that." Then in response, "I get depressed, but it's a depression that only lasts a few months and then I will be good again." He stayed silent, and in those few moments, I don't think he wanted to know. I don't think he wanted to believe it was my deepest confession that I was feeling for him. In my heart, I knew that I needed to tell him because in all my life I have never met a man like him. I know that I will love Texas till the day that I die and when he leaves, I will let him go knowing that he was the greatest love of my life. I will forever have beautiful memories tucked away in my mind and in my heart. When I continue to live on this earth, I will eventually die, but I know that I will die knowing that I have loved very deeply and very true, and I will pass away content with the life I lived. I am thankful he is in my life, and I am thankful he will be forever. This is the deepest confession of a single 50-something-year-old woman. 

Days Go By So Fast!

It's Sunday, it's the day before the BIG Monday. So last week, the weather caused damage to our office building, so we are not allowed back until further notice. We have to work from home, I know some love working at home. I like balance in my work life, but I think working strictly remotely is something I need to get used to. You never know I will have those days when I will have to work remotely, especially when I travel out of town. You never know when I will have to do that in the future months, I suppose I am preparing for the unknown. This fall is going to be weird and crazy, for me, it will be emotional and weird. My boyfriend will be moving on with his job, and I will have to stay behind, although, I wish sometimes in my mind I'd run away with him. However, sometimes, it doesn't work out that way. You never know with relationships, it can change on a dime, how can anyone know? I know one thing, when he leaves I will be very sad. My demeanor will be low, and I will struggle to put on a happy face. I think I will take the time to cry in a dark room curled up in a ball, praying, talking to Jesus, and crying. Sometimes when I am so sad and depressed I tend to not eat, my tummy gets twisted in knots and I cry a lot. It sucks. But it's part of the process of carrying on with a so-called normal life, I hate the thought of not having him just down the road. I hate the thought of not getting text messages of "I'll be home in 20 minutes", or "I just got off work wanna have dinner?" I love knowing he is there, that he is there close enough to drive to him and love him. I really dread the next couple of months of him leaving. There are days that I already cry when I'm alone, whether it's when I'm driving, or I am alone at home sitting in my recliner. 

One of my thoughts is getting involved with the gym and utilizing my membership, especially when it is just next door to my work. Save money on trips to see Texas if we are still a thing when he is working. I know that he will be back to visit and he has invited me to visit him where he's from, I should be excited to know that there are going to be continued interactions. It's just the unknown of how things are going to be, long-distance relationships can be difficult and a challenge. I suppose that's what makes a relationship strong. I need the hard in my life to grow, I need to know that I can make it through this journey. Just like other journeys in my life, for example, my degree journey. I didn't think that I could make it because I lacked confidence. I have to admit that during my degree process of completing my journey, there were times when I wanted to quit. However, I didn't quit, I had encouragement to keep on and finish. I prayed really hard every day, I admit there were times that it was a struggle to power through, however, I am so happy it was completed. I suppose relationships are that way too, we power through everything, and we grow together in more ways than one. No one relationship is perfect, it has its moments, there will be days when we will forget one another, and then all of a sudden we might just miss each other deeply. I am not sure how he is going to be when he leaves. I don't know if he will continue to want me or need me. That is the unknown of the other side, how does the other one feel? How are they going to approach this thing, and am I really gonna be welcomed to his place in Texas? Several questions in my deepening mind, I hate it when I think. It's too much. 

As these days tend to pass by like midsts in the ocean, I continue to wonder about the unknown. What does it look like in a year or two, will I still have my friend, my soul mate till then or will it be longer than that. My tears just fall when I type my thoughts of him, the way he is when he talks like a cold person, but at the same time, it's so attractive and so funny. Listening to his stories, experiences in life, his day at work, how his day was, and then always asking me how my day was. He is a genuine man, even though he says he isn't, I miss him every day, true story, I miss I'm every day. Since the first time we met, the days of knowing one another have gone by quickly, like there is not enough time to be with him, the more I get to know him and be with him, the more the days pass by so quickly. I didn't think I would be able to see the day that we would make it a year of being together. In the time we have spent time with one another and me loving him with all that I have in me, I wish every day I had met him when he first got here. I would've loved to have been in a longer thing with him, or at least grown with him longer. I suppose it's better this way, just because maybe the way I was when I met him was better than if I were to have met him earlier. He just had to meet other women who were more demanding than me. In my mind, my hope is, and it is crazy, I hope I am the best woman he has ever had. My mind is weird, but I do hope that... only time will tell, yeah right. I know on my end... he is the only man who changed my life. Something, I never thought of, the thought of a man entering my life and changing it for the better, to know that relationships are not that bad. For now, I pray for our lives in the coming months. I love you Texas, and I love you now. 

It's One Of Those Days In Thought

It's Saturday, and the last few days have been the change in weather. The wind and then the lightning and rain were all exciting. I ended my week with work at home and trying to make it to the end of a Friday, it was perfect. My kids requested Navajo Tacos, they love my chili beans that I make with fry bread, and we seldom have Navajo Tacos. However, last night it was a measure of happiness that I thoroughly enjoyed. I also informed my boyfriend of the feast that I was going to prepare, of course, he wanted some of my fry bread and chili beans too. It makes me happy that he loves what I cook, did I tell you he's an excellent cook too! He makes the best steaks and the best chicken alfredo. He's impressive, I like that in a man, I love it when men know how to make a good steak. My ex-hubby was an okay cook, but he was not sober, this guy is sober and likes to check out new foods to make. He follows recipes to the tee, sometimes I wish I worked out there with them just so I could have his cooking. Lucky bastards... anyway, for him to love my cooking is a relief to me. I remember the first time I made Navajo Tacos for him. Actually, I offered to make him dinner the first week we dated. He wanted to get a hotel room to have the feast, but hotel stays are expensive. I let him know, I don't need a hotel room to stay at and feed you?  He did not want me to come to his trailer where he lived, later I found out that he avoided women to have them know where he stayed. I guess he didn't want crazy women lurking around his place. I think he thought this one was one of them. Definitely, something to be aware of, I generally do not allow men to know where I live. However, there are some exceptions, in the past, there was a man who would come to my place. But it was nothing special, just the maintenance men fixing shit at my home. Actually, they still come over... I am smiling, because I think I'm funny. So back to my story of my man, he ended up having me over, and I got to meet his beautiful sweet girl, his dog. It was nerve-wracking for me because the last time I made dinner for a man was in 2014. He was the most terrible man I have ever met in my life, I wish I never met him, I wish I wasn't a stupid woman at that time. But everything is good now and he is just something that should have never happened. Today, there is a man who makes me better, and I think he likes me? Nah, I believe that he likes me. When I was in his home, there we were, he sat down, and I had everything together in a bag to set out the feast for him. Mind you, he has a very small quaint trailer just for him and his cat and dog. It's really a nice place to be alone in. However, that night he wasn't, so he eats and he eats, and I am sitting there watching him eat. I asked him, "How is it?" His response is, "It's really good, I like the bread." He also said, "The chili beans are really good too." Before I knew what to bring, I brought everything that I like to put on Navajo Tacos, again, not thinking that he was different than me, he let me know that he doesn't like onions tomatoes, or olives. This was totally a surprise, so I had to take back the extra that night. Then after dinner we consummated, like vicious animals, I'm laughing out loud at this entry. I had a beautiful night that night, and his belly was full, I love it when a man's belly is full and satisfied. Been a long time since I made a good meal for a man again. 

Later, not too long ago, he told me that I was the only woman who'd ever been in his trailer besides his cleaning lady. He really made me feel special like I was his person. That's the best feeling in the world, to feel like someone's person. Today, I can open the door to his trailer without knocking, and I can clean up for him without him telling me to leave it alone. It makes me feel like I exist for something, little things like that make me happy. I don't mind doing things for Texas, he works long hours at work and travels a lot, and he deserves to be treated good. I suppose for me it's important to treat a man good, I grew up knowing that, watching my mother take care of my dad. He was a hard-working man who was treated like a king in our home. My mother always woke up at 4 o'clock every morning to make coffee for herself and then made extra fresh coffee for my dad. She would make him breakfast make his lunch kiss him goodbye and tell him she loved him. My dad always left away "loved", because my mom made sure he knew he was "loved". Then when he came home from work, she always had dinner waiting for him or always made sure I made the dinner for all of us. She was the woman who showed me how to really love a man. I guess when I meet a man and when they allow me into their space to do things for him, I always remember how my mom lived for my dad, how much she appreciated him, and how much she loved him. I have always wanted that duty, I suppose I do things for Texas because of how I was raised and what I saw. I miss my mom, and I miss the times I'd watch a beautiful woman love my dad so eloquently. I want that too... 

Feely Shitty Stuff

It's no surprise when you spend so much time with a person, in my case a man. You generate feelings, at first it's scary but at the same time it's beautiful. I am in love with this man who I've been seeing for a while now, it will be a year that we have been dating. A whole YEAR! What? When I think about it, it amazes me. I don't want it to end. Texas makes me happy, he definitely is my other home. I love it when he corrects me when he leads when he tells me what to do, I've always wanted this kind of control in my life. Texas does not like feely shitty stuff, he is dominant, kind, sexy, fearless, direct, and oh my God... intelligent. He is younger than me, but he is so smart to direct me to living correctly in certain situations. Saving toward goals in life, to take that extra in life to make things happen. Currently, I have a goal, with my work, to set a priority of making things flow in my schedule. This way, I can start on my Doctorate degree. This was one of my go-to's to Texas, I had to make a decision and talk it out with someone who could give direction. He was mindful of the details currently going on in my life; the new career of case management. It was a breath of fresh air to have someone not judge me or belittle me in making a decision to continue with another degree. Texas makes me feel like a woman who can do anything. Something I have never had in a relationship is the uplifting encouragement and the belief in someone that they can do it. When he tells me that he is proud of me, something inside of me believes it. It's important to me, to feel confident in my life, also very important is the fact to have a partner who instills that in me. I try to let him know from time to time that I adore him, and I do. 

I mention feely shitty stuff, I definitely have stars in my eyes when I look at him. Okay, now here we go on the feely shitty stuff. Texas in my eyes is a beautiful man. GRRRRR, the way he talks, and the sound of his voice drive me crazy. He is the epitome of the most enticing male figure subjected to, the fantasy of romanticizing scenes of the unknown with eyes hypnotizing you to explore the sensuality of the human touch. I can't explain who this man is... I will add that his eyes are the sensual part of him. I remember the first time we were intimate, it was new to me, I had never had a man tell me to look at his eyes. Especially during intimacy, he wanted my eyes to pierce into his. I think it was to be one with him, I couldn't understand it, it was new for a man to direct me to do so. After that, I knew I would be in trouble, trouble in love. When I look into his eyes, I see many things about him, it's things that make me want him more; I don't think I can explain it, but he's pretty extraordinary. There are times when his eyes will turn color. He has those amazing hazel green eyes, and then another minute he has bluish beautiful eyes like the ocean. I love his eyes, can't get enough of them, I also love the stance he has, his posture when he leans against his door and smokes his cigarette. The way he holds his cigarette to smoke it and the way he releases the smoke from his mouth. I examine him in a relevant way, everything about him is wonderful, I'm so obsessed with him. The thing about me and him is that we have a growing understanding of each other. As he puts it, we are learning from each other, for me, he is teaching me to be more open to explaining myself and not keep it in. When someone says, you need to tell me, or let me know when you are bothered by something, let me know and we can talk about it. Who says that? In all my life of meeting and being with men, none has been as enduring as this man I know now. When I am with him, I'd go to the ends of the world with him, his voice captures me, and his presence is pure. I often pray to God to give me love to love him, the same love I give to my kids I pray for him. I love Texas in more ways than one, I think I loved my ex-husband well, but not as much as I love this Texas. 

So there is an obsession in me, maybe it seems like after reading this that it is a phase of feelings. It might be a phase, but it seems that it would last forever, and deep inside of me, I want it to last forever and not stop. What is forever? To me, forever is something that lasts only while we live on earth. I don't want to live forever alone on earth, I want it to be Texas. In a spiritual sense, I know we are going to live eternally together, if I left today, I would be on the other side waiting patiently for him to live eternally with him. In my heart and mind, I see us that way. I suppose it's his eyes that drew me in to believe such marvelous things. I hope I will keep writing this way forever about Texas. I hope that a year from now it will be the same writing about him as it is today. 

Dear Sweetheart

Dear Asshole, 

This is a letter to the man who changed my life. Before I met you, my life was normal: living the mom life and dating random guys. I searched many guys to find you, at least that is what it feels like. I know you hate soppy-feely shit, that is what I love about you. I remember the first time I met you, I admit that I replay it in my head many times a day. I think to myself of the "What if's", for example, what if I never responded to the Tinder match? I've mentioned to you before that I do not subscribe and pay monthly dues to dating apps like most people do. Of course, you do... ANYWAYS! Back to my story, oh yes, I was reflecting on the "What ifs ", just to paint a picture of what my time looked like when I was on Tinder. I suppose many out there do the same thing; lay in bed, sit on their couch, and just scroll. That was me, I am scrolling through Tinder and I come across your profile, at this point I am just looking for a man to have a casual encounter with and maybe never see him again. OR, I might be lucky to have a friend with benefits. That was my usual goal, so, I saw your profile and I am looking at your profile, just examining how much I might like being close to you. Maybe it might be a good match, I tell myself, "Oh hell, why not, I am going to just see if we match," Low and behold... we have a match! The celebration on the app tells me that you are interested in me too! Cause, if the app celebrates victory, then it means you're interested. Anywho, I think I will send a message, and this is my usual message, "Hello, how are you?" Then all of a sudden there is a response! So fast, I thought, then we message each other. On my end, I start out kinda bored, but, then you start to appear very interesting. You were so interested in who I was, asking me questions about my tribe and just being all fascinated about me. Then it switched up, because, during our messages back and forth, you asked me, "What are you looking for on this site." I think that is what you asked? I admit I am not 100% sure, I responded with no holding back, "To be honest, I am looking for sex, I just want to have sex." I was pretty blunt about it, thinking that this was going to be a casual encounter and I wouldn't see this man again! In my mind men here on this app, they're all the same... They're on here to find a good lay and that's it. No love, no relationship, no feely shitty romantic time, just use the bitch and go on with life to find another bitch. I was there too, I wanted to be a few steps ahead.

So, the response was good on your end, I really can't recall if you were surprised, or thankful that you found someone to play with? I read on your profile that you were traveling through, in my mind I thought this was going to be a very quick encounter, however, to my surprise, it was not going to be quick. You wasted no time in wanting to meet me, I admit, I was up to it. I think we messaged for 2-3 days. In those times I had no idea that you received notifications of where I was actually from, I laugh at this because on my profile it said I lived in Loma when I really lived somewhere else (I never indicate where I actually live). Tinder notifications of location snitched me out. I am smiling while I'm typing this to you. So, we agreed to meet on a Tuesday evening after you get off work. I agreed to the meeting, and you asked me where I wanted to meet, not thinking of where you actually were staying. I stated, "Hey, let's meet at Starbucks on North Ave?" You were like, "Where?" I was thinking, This guy... So I explained the location of Starbucks on North Ave. You told me about what time you were going to be there, as I recall it was at 7:30 pm because you let me know that you get home at 6:30 or so to take care of your dog. I thought to myself, I am going to be there at 7:25 pm, maybe earlier. When I got there, I was waiting for you, I sat in my vehicle and messaged you that I was at Starbucks. By the way, just so you know, I had it in my mind that if the guy I was seeing before you were to message me that evening, I was going to cancel. I know that's shitty, but that was who I was, I didn't want to be played, I wanted to be two steps ahead to play the guy (Because I believed all men were players). There were men who I've met that did that to me, I don't like that. So, not knowing entirely who you were, I had my guard up.

I waited and messaged you, I actually thought you were sitting inside the shop. A guy was sitting in the corner with his laptop and he looked like you, he smiled at me. I thought, NA! That ain't him. Then you messaged me, "I don't think I am at the right place?" Of course, dumb me thought you knew where places were in Grand Junction! Uh... Diana, hello, this man is from Texas and he doesn't know this place. So, I remembered directing you to where I was. I let you know that I was inside sitting, and then you arrived. I was relieved you made it to where I was. I remember the first time I saw you, you were tall and very construction-like, and I was mesmerized by who you were. In my mind, all I thought of was I hope I don't look bad. I didn't want you to be disappointed in my features, my skin tone, and the size of my body. Mostly, my body was a concern. But, you came to me and gave me a hug. I have never met a man who just comes up to a woman and gives a warm hug. Maybe, it was at that moment when I felt a bit of a home in you. You led the way to the counter to buy me coffee, and we decided to sit outside. I remember the spot where we sat, that night there was a baseball game going on across the street at Stoker Stadium. I listened to your voice, I looked into your eyes, then I realized you were a smoker. But, it didn't bother me, I don't know why? It just didn't bother me. You made me laugh, I saw your smile, and it was a wonderful evening, we stayed talking outside of Starbucks till they closed. I remembered you touched my hand, and then you touched my leg. You were so warm, when you and I walked toward our vehicles, you held my hand while we were walking, then you asked me, or I let you know it was okay to kiss me. You were so thankful, I remembered the first time I kissed you. My body was so happy, I loved the way you kissed, you are a really good kisser. We held onto each other in the parking lot, you wouldn't let go of me. We got a bit spicy outside near your truck, you teased me and made me laugh. I looked at you in awe, like I was in trouble. I am not sure, but I believe I fell in love with you that night. I was kind of scared, but I told myself, this is just a short-term deal and we will cut it short and he'll be gone. 

After that night, we saw each other week after week, night after night, then you'd go home to Texas to do family things, then return back to Colorado. We really got to know each other, you know I am a different woman who leaves men alone and doesn't chase them. I live my life and you live yours, you know that I get jealous, and I know you hate liars. The only thing that I lied to you about, was the times I told you that when you leave, I wasn't going to miss you. That was a lie. Because I miss you every day sweetheart. I hope, if you ever read this, you know that you are the only man in my life who loved me, and I know you loved me. Do not try to deny it, you did love me, as I loved you deeply. You have brought out of me the woman I thought I wasn't, but you believed in me, it means a lot when a man believes in a woman. In my wildest dreams, you were just something I never deserved. Thank you so much for being a part of my life, even though you are an asshole. I love you and always will. Just remember, when you leave, I am not going to be your friend. But that might change, who knows, it hurts too much to think about. Bye, baby.  

Last Night I Couldn't Sleep

Tonight I am awake and I cannot sleep, maybe it's because I had some coffee early in the evening. Last night I spent some quality time with my boyfriend, let's just say he is my boyfriend. I haven't written an entry on my blog lately, there have been some changes in my life. I have a new job and the process of trying to go back to school to get my doctorate degree. Then there is my boyfriend who I am still seeing and enjoying every minute of my time with him. The days go by quick and soon he will be gone. As fast as he appeared in my life, he would leave very quickly from my life. It is late and I am awake and can't sleep, thoughts of him are in my head. I am already weeping for him, and he hasn't left yet. I feel helpless and don't know what to do, I dread the fact that he is not going to be around anymore, I won't drive to his place anymore to hang out and make love to him. 

This blog entry will not make sense, I need to figure out what to write? I am not sure how to put things in words to state what my feelings are for him. The thing is that I didn't want to feel this way for him, it just happened. You know when you haven't had anyone in a long time and you just go through dates like it's a routine? But then you meet someone, and then it feels like home? Texas feels like home, I cannot deny it, you know what I wish? I wish Texas would love me back, in some ways I feel his love for me. Then again, I think it's nothing, I was not the same the first time I met Texas. I have found myself in so many ways, and that is exactly what he did for me. I fell in love again, but it's not like the love I experienced in past relationships, it's a different fall-in-love thing. Last night I really fell in love with him, when I look at him it's like looking at his soul. If having a soulmate is like the way I feel about him, then I don't want it to end. Sometimes, I wish life was fair, I wish it was kinda easy, and kinda compassionate. I would like to have Texas be my soulmate, to be my life, yeah it would be nice to have that kind of true love. 

I know this entry is dumb and it is crazy, but so is my heart. I am definitely not cut out to be this way, not to love, not to live as though I did have a soulmate. Do you know what the sad part is? That Texas will be a memory, like a wave in the ocean, the togetherness we have now, won't matter anymore. The way that I am feeling will eventually fade away, it will be a dream I had, and there won't be any pictures of us to say we once were. Texas is just an idea, the idea that living in the moment is what matters now. All this, the thoughts and the dread of not having Texas anymore won't exist and I will be myself again. Life goes on and dreams are lived and then forgotten. I love you Texas, you are in my memories. 

Fear Is The Substance Of Regret

So lately, it has been a busy time in my life. I am still seeing my Texas man, he is still here and he is busy these days. I miss not seeing him at times, in the beginning, it was supposed to be a thing, an arrangement of some sort. You know, sometimes when friends with benefits turn into something else? Well, it would seem that this thing that I thought was going to be not so serious in my mind, now in my mind is serious. In my heart, it seems to want to stay with him only. However, it is not that way at all, he is someone I have always avoided in my life, someone to explore with, someone who does things that only the brave experienced women do. Oh, but there is something he sparked in me. 

In the last months or so, this man has gotten me so enthralled into a web of desire. I am not sure if it's the sober being of who he is, or if it's something else. I have always wondered about our souls, what is it that makes soulmates, soulmates? I often wonder about us. Let me describe what kind of man he is, this man has a beard, and I have always loved beards on men. I just love the way it feels on my lips and on me. That is just my preference, I suppose I had a bit of a crush on Grizzly Adams when I was a little girl. So my Texas has a sexy beard, and his eyes are so intriguing. Maybe it's eyes that persuade me so much that I just want to do what he wants me to do. Okay, let me tell you about me, I love the direction in a man. I love the way the man takes charge in all situations, whether it be in life or in the bedroom. I love it when a man plans dates, tells me what to do, and gives me rules. It turns me on, there is something about a man like this, a sober man, who is just as sexy as all hell. I love submission, the thing about him is that when I first met him, he was not that way off the bat. It was subtle and keen, he was like a warrior in the bushes waiting it out to see how he could catch me. Oh yes, Texas has tattoos on his body that define who he is, and yes, he is so protective of me. Oh-My-LORD... I love his protection, he is so comforting and so strong with no fear to protect. He's furious and like a man to sweep me away from all the stress of my days. 

As a single parent, I do not like to plan, I had to take charge of everything in my life, figure things out, and possess stress that I dreaded. A man like Texas, it's a relief to my life not to worry about things, when we are together, we have our lovemaking and fun. Then afterward it's spending time to talk and get things out of our heads. We lay around and listen to music, watch YouTube music videos, and discuss. We mainly discuss silly things, like what the YouTube music video is actually about, and at times it can be sad and we cry a bit with each other. Mostly, he likes to make me cry with music videos. Our times of solitude may seem so silly and boring to most people, but we are such hermits that it fits. I don't like going out much, and he doesn't either, we like to stay in and relax with his dog and cat together in his trailer. The one thing that he got me into is wrestling, I love to watch wrestling with him, the Wrestling Mania drama that ensues on TV. The good guy and the bad guy, I love it, I love being close to him and feeling protected. 

It is weird though since I met him, we have been through a lot already. At least this is what I see on my part. In the beginning, things were smooth going, but then I was fired from my job, I was afraid to tell him about it, thinking that he was going to dump me and continue with his life with fun elsewhere. Then my van broke down at his trailer, and I had to get it moved by a towing company. My van stayed at his place for a good two days or so... mind you, we were not wanting to be called a couple at all. I did not want his buddies to think he was serious and make fun of him. Certain things have to take time to get to that point. After that, there was an accident that I had in October when I fell off my porch and dislocated my shoulder, then! I had to get surgery in December. At the beginning of the year, he really had to know me, I got jealous and we didn't speak to each other or see each other for at least two weeks or so. It seemed forever. He did not like that I got jealous and I chose not to text or bother him at all. I was going to continue life alone and without his company, it was a hard pill to swallow, because I missed him so much. But, out of the blue he texted me, and I was relieved that he didn't forget me. Then, after so many other things happening in such a short amount of time, we are still seeing each other, and I love the Snaps he sends me at night and in the morning. When he is gone I feel like a part of me is gone. Is that what it feels like? In the past months of me going through what seems like a lot, I would have thought the guy would get tired of me. It didn't happen that way, he stayed around and didn't leave me. It's impressive to me that there is that one man out of a million, maybe a billion of them that is who this guy is. Never have I ever met such a man like him, one who actually likes me, no matter what happens. 

There is this thing in my life where I wish I could tell him how much I really love him. I wish I could say the words of love that I want to tell him. To let him know that I'd give you my liver, my kidney, my heart if you needed it. Like my children, I'd die for him. It's weird to include him in with my children... My children mean the world to me, and Texas knows it too. He thinks I am a good loving mother. I love that he even includes them in our dinner dates. He wants to know how the doctor's meeting went with my daughter when she was sick. It's important to have a man to be concerned with me, to have the heart to want to know that my kids are well. I love Texas, I just wish I was not afraid to tell him how I feel. I guess I just don't want to feel stupid to tell him. It's a big deal to say those words, just like saying he is my boyfriend. That is hard to state because I am afraid to state it. However, I do state it behind his back, only because I like hearing myself say it. Fear is the substance of regret... The reality of knowing this is remarkable. Just like a doctor who reports what is on an X-ray, CT scan, or blood test. If there is a concern or an indication that is bad news they often describe it as "Remarkable."

There Is Bliss...

I am not sure how things come together to be perfect, one way or another. Sometimes the past can surprise you and it is so nice. I love the feeling of emptiness, and then the inducing presence of an old flame to fill that emptiness. One minute you're sad the next absolute bliss and satisfaction. Life can be complicated but it can also be fun. To be clear, my life is not centered on one man, I hope one day it will be, I always hope that the man who finds me so attractive does anything to want to be with me. I love the patience of a man who waits to see me, even when I have someone else in my life. It says a lot about a man, last night was all about me. This is exactly what he told me, I love that he stated that "it was all about me." We hadn't seen each other for a long time, well, it seemed like forever, since last summer. Last night we caught up in conversations about what was going on in our lives since the last time we were together. I enjoy times when a woman and a man can lay with each other and catch up. He never let go of my hand, he opened the door to my vehicle for me, he let me lay in his arms in his bed and held me tight. I have yearned for that kind of bliss. We don't see each other all the time, we are always busy working, so I suppose waiting is something I have to get used to. It's ironic that when one door closes, another door opens. I really needed him to hold me during the night, it's something my mind and my soul needed. 

I think the last time I was held in such a manner was my ex-husband, I loved being held in bed and kissing each other. It's the most romantic thing ever, to embrace and feel the warmth of lovely compassion. I don't know about other women, but it helps heal something inside, it heals a part of you that seems unbearable. The unbearable feeling is so familiar, the feeling is not fun to feel, then sometimes it can be good after having someone make it bearable and not that bad anymore. Being me is not a usual woman, I can handle almost a lot. However, there is the thing that some women have been through more trauma than I have. All I can share this morning is I am slowly getting there, and I have a friend who waits in the midst of me, patiently he waits for me, and that is a man who I really appreciate. 

When It Have Tough Days

At my age now going to be a year older soon, the things that used to be, are now what it is. Does that make sense? You can't change a thing in life that occurs, you have to let it be. There have been so many times when I didn't let it go, at the time I was an alcoholic, so my substance abuse didn't help. It made me stupid and not think soberly. Growing up is the most challenging thing in a person's life, you would think an adult would be smart enough to know that. If you take a moment to think about it, we are all children and immature in living. I am guilty of looking at people and thinking they need to grow up when in all reality I NEED TO GROW UP. Having to sit back and realize that you're the one immature judging people, also it isn't our place to judge. My son always tells me that, when I complain of Taylor Swift or Nancy Pelosi... I am smiling typing this. He lets me know by rebuking me and letting me know it's dangerous to try to sit on the throne that isn't intended for you. I love my son, but he makes me feel like a total ass, however, I really appreciate my boy. Even though he is 20 years old he is so wise and knowledgable at his young age. I pray for my son's wife, I pray for her to be the partner that will complete him 100%. It's important to do as a parent. I do the same for my daughter, I pray for her husband, my son-in-law to be a God-fearing man, a man after God's own heart, I want him to be that way so he can take care of my daughter and my grandkids. I don't want my children to be like me, alone without a life partner. I want them to have what I have always wanted. I was blessed with a marriage, but it didn't work out, however, I am thankful because I wouldn't have had my son or my daughter. 

There are a lot of lessons along the way of life, it is not easy to confess your sins, it's not easy to take the blame, and it isn't even easy to make choices to quit in life. I can tell you something about me, I am not a fighter for anyone, Meaning, men, I don't fight for men, instead I pray for them. It's a way to get through the ones left behind. It makes my life so much easier to pray for them. I pray a lot, I need to do this because the Bible tells me so. I try to read the Bible too, it helps in life to read the Book, do you remember the movie, Lonesome Dove? Gus, I love Gus, he is such a beautiful soul, and he makes my heart pitter-patter. Anyway, he is sitting by the campfire and just reading his Bible early in the morning drinking his coffee out of a tin cup. When his good friend comes up to him all riled up and unhappy, mocks him for sitting around. That Woodrow Crow is an old grumpy crow. But Gus, he's the man, has hardly any worries and he lives life like it was meant for him to live. If you haven't watched Lonesome Dove I suggest you set aside some hours and watch it, it's a good movie, or listen to the audiobook if you can't sit long enough to watch it. It amazes me that there are people out there who cannot sit too long to watch a movie! Or even sit and enjoy the scenery and the mountain air while fishing. I need to have a settled-minded person in my life, otherwise I'd go nuts! Some day, I will get what I have always wanted, in the meantime, I have to work out things for myself that I realize I need to do.

For me, it is important to measure the kind of person I am. Even after the separation of someone in my life who was there just for a brief moment. The thing about me is that I learned something about myself, and mind you, I have always tried to master the feeling of jealousy, and that is NOT BE JEALOUS. It's been a trial for me to defeat, even when I was married I was a jealous cat, I hissed at the women looking at my man, and I got ugly with my husband when he was at the bar without me. That was 24 years ago too! Even before my guy was my husband. Men are different, they seem to not get jealous, and maybe it's because they just care about the woman they are with. The last man never was jealous, it made me feel defeated that he matured more than me. Because I was the older one! Only by 2 years... aside from age, I apologize, I tend to go off in my writing. Last night, I woke up at 1:00 am in the morning and I could not go back to sleep, I sat in my bed and prayed and prayed, then I lay in my bed thinking about writing in my blog. My thoughts were, "I want to get up and write, but it's almost 2:00 am, and I need to rest." I finally laid myself to sleep, then I woke up late for work!!!! My usual time to wake up is 4:00 am in the morning. I love waking up early to sit and have my coffee and ponder, pray, and like Gus read the Good Book. But today I did not, my day is going to be a good day no matter what, I will believe that. 

So I am sitting here in my living room, drinking my coffee, admiring my life, and being thankful for being me and waking up to another day. This is what life is all about, not about money or riches, or having the finest things in life, it's about being content with what you have. Being thankful every day that you get to be alive and breathe. Listen, life isn't easy, no one said it would be. Otherwise, life would be so boring that we'd be living like zombies. Have a great day, and be thankful for today.

Transparency Is Not Easy, Discovering The Norm

One of the things that I pride myself on is my genuine way of moving on. It isn't easy to move on, however, it is good to do just that. Sometimes for most, it is really difficult to do. I suppose that I need to take a break from dating apps till I really heal. I have the gifts that Texan gave me, yeah, I can be content for a while till I heal. I am smiling about the gifts that Texan gave me. I wish that my shoulder was totally healed, that way I could escape to a cold place and sleep in my van. Just to experience the cold cold mornings on my own, I know it sounds crazy, but healing does make some people do crazy things. The thing about this encounter, it was a very nice encounter. I was happy now and then, but most often I was a ticking time bomb. The thing about me is that I am an old-fashioned woman, trying to keep up with the times of accepting people and who they associate themselves with is hard for me.

Texan, let me know from the beginning that he had girlfriends from where he used to work, places in the east, and also his primary ex-girlfriend. I suppose our encounter should have been a one-time deal and then never knew or saw each other again. But, he kept messaging me, always messaged me all the time. I was enthralled by him, and yes I did fall deeply in love. One of the traits I have is to fall too fast with a man whom I see or engage with every day. As I am getting over the things in the last 5 months, which is not that long, I start to examine myself. Where did I go wrong in this thing? First of all, I blame him, and me too, for showing me pictures of his ex-girlfriend's profile and all her pictures with him in it. Do you know how that makes me feel as an older woman? Like shit, and she is so successful in her career, high class. It was like he held her on a pedestal. Telling me they text each other EVERY DAY. That didn't help my brain. More than that, all the women he met along the way too! Texan proceeds to tell me about the women he was with moving from one location to another with his job! I tell ya, TICKING TIME BOMB. I should have let him know, but I was trying to be the cool woman, you know the one that doesn't give a shit about him. But I did. 

I am not a perfect woman by any means, I am human and yes there are issues that I am still dealing with. It sucks, sometimes fixing yourself really sucks. I hate that I get jealous, I hate that I have feelings, and I hate that I fall too hard for someone. At times I hate being me. I think it's normal for people to have these thoughts and feelings. In every person's life, there is something that they have to deal with and go through. In individual's lives, they haven't yet forgiven those who did them wrong. They carry baggage with them, it was that person who did me wrong or this and that happened, and I hate them. I know what I need to do, I have to forgive the terrible man who treated me like trash. It wasn't my ex-husband, I forgave him, it wasn't my daughter's dad, I forgave him. It was a particular man in my life whom I dated for a time, the most awful guy I ever met in my life. I wished I had never met him, I always tell people, that if I had to turn back time and do it all over again, I would delete that part out of my life. I know, typical woman issues, yes probably, but there are men out there who have the same kind of wish too. I often wonder, what was the purpose of my meeting this particular heartless, selfish kind of man? All I know is that I know that I have to forgive this guy. It is the hardest thing for me to do. 

As the days go on, and I am trying to unveil things in my life, I hope for the best. I pray for blessings on all persons whom I met in my life except that one guy, I just made myself smile and laugh. Just kidding, I do, I pray and hope for the best. We all have our foundation that we were set upon, it's actually cool to realize that we were built on a foundation. We can have it built strong or, we can build it and use sticks to watch it crumble to the ground. All I know is that life is something we have to live and appreciate the aspects and endure with great thankfulness that we are all here. Like children in preschool, we have to forgive and carry on. If we don't we will not see easy paths to continue on. Just like the Beauty Way and the Hozho Way, we all have to be on the path of positivity, if we are living negatively then our path will lead us to destruction. Just like keeping our eyes on the prize of Jesus Christ. I am better just being here on this blog that helps me get through things in my life. 

Just this morning I was in a crying session, I don't know, sometimes it happens. But I was very sad, it was like my heart broke into a million pieces. I just sat in my living room holding a paper towel to my face and wept. I prayed to God to help me, comfort me Jesus, my heart still hurts, but it's good. While I sat on my couch praying and crying to the Lord, I asked him to hold me, hold me, and comfort me. The one thing that came into my mind was the simple verse, "Be still and know that I am God". At that moment my tears were dried. How wonderful it is that when you are broken or going through stuff, He lets you know something so simple. I wanted to share that, just know that He is not too far away from you and He understands. I know God and His voice, it is so sweet to hear, He is a gentle kind, loving God.

Well, I suppose I have ranted my rant and there will be another day of me ranting on and on about living in my fifties. Enjoy your Martin Luther King Jr. weekend.

Change is Good, It's Essential, But Good

What can I say about changes? Changes occur all the time in people's lives, I think it's a way to maximize the heart and the mind. It's never easy to not have someone in your life anymore. It's like a withdrawal state, every addiction to something or someone has a withdrawal period. Substance abuse has a period of withdrawal; through getting sick with vomit and severe headaches. Sugar is also an addiction for those who make a commitment to quit the substance out of their daily intake. It can produce severe headaches and nausea. Lastly, it can happen with people, it's those who you love so much that when it's gone, it's gone forever. Individuals go through a period of heartbreak, sometimes it includes not eating and just drinking water because at times it's the only thing that can help the stomach from vomiting. Individuals can through a period of crying and/or tearing up in the middle of the day or driving to work. It's the crying part that we live with to get through the withdrawal state. The withdrawal from no messages in the morning or night to begin and end your day, the messages of "I'm home now" or "let's hang out and have dinner" those messages are withdrawal states of getting over an addiction of someone. The love of substances and the addiction go hand in hand I think. When I quit drinking and the sugars I went through headaches and some nausea, it's not a good feeling. You don't think that it was a part of your life until it's out of your system. But in time, your mind, body, and soul get used to the fact that you can live without it and not miss it anymore. 

The last few days are the building blocks of getting back to myself as I was before anyone entered my life. My children are so sweet to listen to me while I cry and get over it. They understand and they are such good kids that they know it takes time for mom to get over such a thing. For me, I should be better in the next month or so, if not then I'll have to deal with this thing to continue the trek of making my whole being whole again. Then guess what? I am giong to try again. That's what it's all about, trying again, making sure that hope is going to come to fruition. You never can give up on hope, it's essential to a happy life, and we all deserve happiness. I don't hate people, I just think they're stupid, I smile as I type those words. I think I'm stupid too! However, it's okay, it'll be good. I am looking forward to mountains in the summer and camping, I am going to fix my fishing reel to a fresh line to fish with and make sure my camping supplies are all ready to use. Thank God I have a van that I can run away with and escape from my mind and my heart. It's the one thing that God blessed me with, relief from life and then to enjoy his nature and comforts. 

I have good thoughts to take with me, and good warm memories to cherish and take with me. It was a fun time to be with someone who was a good guy. I just hope and pray blessings on their lives to be greatly blessed, more blessed than mine. It was a good period in my life to have a short-term relationship, I appreciate it, and I learned from it. However, to understand why I am the way that I am, it's that one thing that made me double-minded and uncertain. I know in the past I have had some tough times being this way, I always wondered why I should be thankful for all the things I went through with men? Some of them were dishonest with me and treated me like shit. That is one memory I am dealing with, the thought of forgiving this one indecent man in my life that has given me a thorn in my side that I seem to keep. At times this particular man in my life from long ago, I can't bring myself to forgive. He's old now, he never liked me or my kids and treated us like trash. It hurts to think about it, but I need to forgive that rotten bastard of a man. It's tough to have to realize that, but it is essential to a peaceful living and being free from the past. I suppose that is the garbage I carry and it left me uncertain of good men in my life, it leaves me not to trust good men because I haven't dealt with the past of a rotten man. I need to, that way in the next relationship I won't be such a crazy, double-minded woman. 

Times When It Feels Insane, But Beautiful...

It's been a while since I've written about my adventures and the Texan I'm seeing. It's been so nice and at times to the point where I have to hold my heart. We have an agreement to see each other until he leaves. He works in construction and that's a life he is content with, his life is traveling where he is needed. It's a perfect job for him because it's a way of life that gives him freedom; which is solitude, keeping busy, and not bored with life. He is however a great lover in my opinion, as I have stated before in my blog I have been with other men who are as equal. However, he is different, he is the kind of man who is wonderful in all areas of what I have always dreamed of. Unfortunately, he is not the man who I will spend the rest of my life with. Some may say that it's sad, but it really it isn't, I would say that Texan has empowered me to be more in life. I've learned a lot in our relationship. It has been so wonderful to be in a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin. He brought that out of me, I am no longer afraid of being in a relationship, I am no longer fearful of a broken heart if I have one. I am not concerned about when he is out and alone in his own mind. I have learned to be by myself, and I have learned to be stronger in my mental state as far as keeping cool when I know it's pissing me off. I appreciate the time I have with him, he is certainly a blessing in my life.

So many things about this man take me away, actually, he is inspiring to me. In ways that most couples really don't take into consideration. His demeanor is dominant, and his eyes are so mesmerizing when I look into his eyes they are deep into my soul. His lips are so captivating that I can't get enough of his kisses. It may sound like I am obsessed with Texan... maybe I am. I think it's better to be obsessed than to fall deeply in love with someone to the point that you know you can never have. In the way I am with this man, I know that after he leaves this area, I will never see him again. It is sad to realize, but it is also another way to grow. I do hope that in the next year, Texan will get whatever he wants in life, I hope his life is filled with the overabundance of fulfilled peace and enlightenment. He is one of a kind man, and he does care deeply, even though he acts like he doesn't. He is careful to show any kind of sweetness, I understand, and I respect his way of thinking and the way he lives his life. As a woman who might want a man who treats me like a queen, I'd rather be treated with respect and loved with gratitude and grace.

It is the first year of 2024 and so far things look good, I have goals but they are goals that are slightly different from others. Diets are not one of them, getting in shape is not one of them either. In the last year, I experienced a lot of hardships. It has been an up-and-down roller coaster for me. Since I met Texan in August, it seems to be so much struggle? I often wondered and asked, "Why?" As a human you tend to ask questions about life, another thing is why did it have to happen while I was seeing this man from Texas? Of course, he is still here seeing me in all my glory of continued hardships. Last year in 2023, I was fired from my job, my van broke down in front of his trailer, I fell off my porch and dislocated my shoulder, and had to go to the ER to get my shoulder back into place. THEN, I was told I needed surgery on my shoulder and have physical therapy for the next 4 months! Nothing prepares you for back-to-back hardships. However, for some reason, I had to go through this time of my life. Although, some good things happened within the last part of the year. I ended up getting another job and having an opportunity to grow in a company that would help me in the older years of my life. I can grow into other opportunities to help communities and grow with a team of brilliant people. It is the epitome of plans, which I believe are from God.

Another thing is that Texan didn't once judge me for what I was dealing with. We still have our intimate time together of wonderful beautiful sex. I am thankful for his way of how he sees me, he is not tired of me, at least that is the way I think. I did ask him about what he thought of me at times, I asked, "Do you ever get tired of me, or regret seeing me?" It is a question that all women ask, I think. But his response is always the same. He looks at me like I'm crazy, I love the looks he gives me, it's kinda sexy. Especially, when he directs it at me, at times he has his moments where he is harsh because he had a bad day. I make sure that he lets me know so I don't see him that way. But sometimes I have to give him a bit of relaxation to calm him down, and I love it when he calls me "Good girl." I melt like butter in his hands. A man with tattoos and a beard is one of the sexiest, good-time guys I enjoy being with. I have always loved men with beards, he is one of those men. But I have never experienced such dominance in such a way that is sexy, spicy and so exciting. In my nature, I succumb to men like him, melting into their hands to do what they want. 

Texan is intrigued by me as I am with him. We match in such a way that it is so desirable. I never knew that I would want things he initiates for me, things that a woman could never do, especially a Christian woman. By the way, I always ask for forgiveness for my indecent escapades. I have to admit, I will miss Texan, I will miss his good morning texts to me, his good night texts, his words of "text me when you get home." I have never met a man like him, a man who is almost like home to me. He was gone for Christmas and we kept in touch through texting, we always get excited when he's out of town. I like sending him nudes and risque pictures to remind him of me. There is one thing about him, I've given myself to him, in a way that I want to have all that he is going to give me. Before he leaves forever, I want to enjoy every moment with him as much as possible. It may sound like I am in love, I might be, however, I am good at unfalling in love. I have mastered that one thing in my life, and that is to unfall in love with a man.