The Beginning of my Search, My quest

This morning I awoke very early and I just could not sleep at all, I really was excited to sleep in this morning. It’s Saturday and I get to go to work at 9am! Yeah this was the day to looking forward to sleep in for a bit, since during the week I have to wake up at 5am. Which I should be awake sooner than that, but I am so dog gone tired by then. Maybe it’s because I have so much on my mind and I’m thinking way too entirely much, I believe that is my problem. Do you ever think of ways to make yourself better? Things that will improve the way you live, such as cleaning for example. Take cleaning as an example and house chores, I struggle in this area BIG TIME! I don’t know how to manage a house and keep it clean, my mind is boggled with thoughts and it’s even stirred when I come home to a messy home. When I see a mess in my home I see a mess in my life. My car is a mess, my house is a mess, I mean I’d sit here and think I use to clean homes for a living at one time? Why can’t I do the same for my own home? There are so many obstacles in my mind that need to be undone, or organized. By the way, what is organization anyway! How do I get that, how much does that cost? Lately the term organization is in my little mind, I don’t think I was ever organized at all. With that, it has affected my children too. This is a rut I really need to work out and stay out of, my children need to learn the value of being organized and learn the value of a clean organized life. Maybe I need to be hypnotized to be organized in a home, with my children, and with school. Even in school I was always blundering around with my notes and never keeping on task with studies. I’ve bought calendars to keep myself focused and organized, I’ve listened to Toney Robbins on how to conquer things in my life, I’ve read the Bible to get powered up by the Holy Spirit to get organized, yet nothing seems to help at all. When I see mother’s at the school who pick up their children I often sit and examine them, how do they do it? How is it in their life as a mother, a working mother at that. I mean they all seem all perfect and then there is me! I bet if you see me you’d think the same thing, “Oh there she is… there’s that single mother who struggles with attention and detail at home.” Oh yea, I’m that sore thumb you see that screams out, “Mom that has a problem to attention to detail in her own life!” While others in this world are protesting and making a big whoop about the environment and Mother Earth, here I am with myself. That’s why I’m not a relationship that is why I want to be alone and not let any man come into my domain to see how this unorganized woman lives! It’s frustrating for me, day in and day out I live in secret of my home life, of who I really am. I am embarrassed on who I’m supposed to be as a mother. Oh that poster mom I think I should be but I’m not. My mind is just carried away with stuff, just stuff that are unreal, I live in my mind in a fantasy world. Yeah sometimes I dream up ideas and fantasize in my life as a single woman. Romance with a good-looking dashing man, dreams of continuing on with my education and then some. I have already finished one dream I have had all my life and that is getting my Bachelor’s degree. Have I used it? No, not even one job has accepted me to work in my field of study. It’s pretty depressing, people tell me, “Oh even though they’ll still hire you.” YOU HAVE A BACHELOR’S DEGREE… “Bull butter”. But who am I to say anything at all, I still want to get my Master’s degree, I still want to achieve what I can in my life. But first thing is first, that unorganized part of me, where do I start? I could pay $4500 to attend Tony Robbins to find out what the hell is the matter with me or I could continue to sit here and keep asking myself, “What the hell is the matter with me!” You know one thing I have that I absolutely love is running, at my age is crucial to be active and going all the time. I was doing so good just eating clean and then, I became a ticking time bomb eating garbage again. But I still run regardless of my eating situation, I still take my vitamins each day to keep me going. Well this is the story of my life, I guess I should write it out and see how many people have the same problem as me. In this writing of mine I want to be real each day that passes by, I want to know what it is, what can help me change. I know of course it’s my mind the way I think and perceive. It’s a hard deal to accept, my mind is an untamed world made of stuff that makes me crazy! I’ve got a lot of stuff I want to lay out on the table, so many stuff that make my head spin.