Travesty Week

The beginning of this week is a trying time for me, this fall has been nothing but utter disappointment to me. I guess in life you occasionally have to have obstacles and those obstacles no matter what has to be dealt with. I often make promises to myself, I tell myself I am going to start on this and that is that. Most often it never happens at all, I tend to forget or I remember but I do something else like sit and knit watching TV with my kids. But as sure as day the thought the promise I made to myself is there lingering in the back of my mind. Procrastination is the biggest problem I have, I have always had this dilemma. This problem of procrastination is on a daily basis. I’ve yet to conquer this thing of procrastination, but I have heard that procrastination is good! It’s supposed to mean you are brilliant or something in those line of words. Trying to stay positive on who you are is also frustrating me this week. Positiveness, I made this word up… I need a made up something to make me feel better about myself. Aside from my procrastination problem and lack of keeping a promise, I have been looking and searching for another job that pays a bit more than what I’m making currently. Yesterday I received a denial letter from a job I applied for, which requested bachelor’s degree only. Did not specify what area of a degree they needed, it just said bachelor’s degree, and the pay scale was at $26 an hour. I was so praying it would be a great opportunity for me to get, but that wouldn’t be the case at all.  They sent me a denial letter and you know what I hate the wording on those letters, they often say things like “I am so sorry”, and then end with have a “happy job hunting in your journey.” Do they really think it’s a nice letter to send out to single mothers who are struggling to make ends meet?  It’s frustrating, it has made this week very horrible and very depressing. I have no idea what to do, I have two or three opportunities I’ve invested in and they just sit on the shelf. You know those small business venture you do on your own and you build on how many people you can sign up under you? Yea those small business venture, when I was presented with the idea from another friend to me it sounded like a great opportunity, others were doing it and doing very well. At the moment I start to tell myself yes I can do this, surely if the people who do this does well I can do it too! It’s never the case at all, I pay my dues but I am in the same rut. When I do go out and try to build my business and make phone calls to prospects they always fall through, or someone is putting it down. Saying “I was a member once and it did nothing for me!” I hate rejection, especially when all I need is to build on this business for my kids and I. You know a little help always help matter if it is and extra $100 to $200 a month it helps. But with this little business I am hopeful it will have its season and it will grow, it just takes me to take the initial step to continue in spreading the information to others. Being a business woman is not my forte at all, I love educating other people on things they need to know, it makes me feel like I did something good for someone else. But selling is the lacking on my part, fear and rejection is something I have to one day conquer. This morning I awoke and I was not wanting to get up from my slumber. I think I am getting depressed again, I need to get out and smell the fresh air and also run again. I haven’t even done that task either, and this weekend is my 10k run! Yea it’s a dismal week, my spiritual life is a travesty, not one time have I opened up my Bible to commune with God. I haven’t prayed to Him on a daily basis, I feel like I am just going to hit a wall so hard that it is going to jeopardize our lives. I mean I am the bread winner in this family, I don’t have a husband to take care of us, and it’s just me! It freaks me out… it frustrates me, I want to be the ultimate mother who is single and can care for her cubs like the momma bear in the wilderness. The momma bear searches for food and makes shelter for the coming winter season, and teaches her cubs along the way. The value of survival, the tactics to defending themselves, and show them what the vast wilderness offers them. She always gets up in the morning and gets her cubs out with her and they walk for miles, and miles all over to find food and to find a good spot to live and sleep for the winter. And momma bear attacks and scares those who come close to her babies, she furious and she is loving. Independent from a male bear, she will fight a male bear and fight him with blood, she will fight him to the death. I want to be that fighter, I want to be furious and independent. To be able to teach my kids the fundamentals of life, I want to be a momma bear.