Oh The Weekend

It’s Monday and there is the chill in the air again, not as cold as it was last week. My children are still in bed and school starts today for them again, that reminds me, it's Columbus Day today! I wonder if they really go back to school today. Yes, they still attend school today, I am surprised they are not celebrating Columbus Day? I guess they are respecting the Native American Indians of how they feel about the holiday, that’s really kind of the Mesa County school district. For me, since I am an Indian I could care less about the either-or of the holiday. This last weekend was a mission accomplished for me, I went to Moab, UT last Friday night to get ready for my 10k run, I had my evening all planned to have a good stretching night. Prep before the big day, but I made the mistake to go out that night with a good friend. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, but the whole time I wanted to get back to my dad’s house and crash and rest for the run on Saturday. Instead, I wanted to hang out with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a while. Went to the Rio in town where I haven’t been since Lord only knows when met an Irishmen who was trying to pick me up. To tell you the truth I was not into getting with no one that night all I wanted to do was to go home. We ended up at Woody’s bar and met some really nice guys who were very gentlemen, they were married men who were surprisingly faithful men! Yes, these men who were very good-looking men were committed to their wives, it was very cool to see. Unless there was a catch but they made no moves at all towards us, not me and not my friend. They were so cool and for me, it was a breath of fresh air to have met men who love their wives and love their children. Well, the night ended at midnight and I had to drop my friend off at her home and I back to my abode at my dad’s place.  My dad still has his home in Moab, UT and so it’s nice to stop in from time to time to hang out and relax. I brought my computer and some movies from home, I had a small dinner prepared and a glass of wine prior to going out that Friday night. It was supposed to be a nice, relaxing night to be alone and enjoy time quietly and think. I was going to write a blog this day but I didn’t, I was too excited for the next day. I fell asleep and slept well, I awoke at 5:30am and got ready, and the great thing about getting out of the house is you don’t have to look pretty or smell nice. You just get your stuff and get out the door. I didn’t have to put make-up on or anything, so I got there a little bit before 8am and got my stuff for the race and took some selfies by the Newspaper Rock.
The Newspaper Rock is an interesting piece of history, no one knows why this was created. Some think it was a place where the ancient ones stopped to give news of their travel and of who they were. This place is loaded on one rock with petroglyphs, it’s beautiful and it’s worth seeing before you head into the Canyonlands National Park. For me, it is a place where my people roamed and where they hunted and camped. Sometimes when I am in a place like this area, where history is so vibrant and so obvious it makes me wonder about the area long ago. How it really was back in the day, of course, there were no paved roads and there were no officials to keep you out of certain areas. We started out at the Newspaper Rock parking lot and proceeded out toward the Needles. I had my MapRun going and my music playing it was good. The fast runners ran ahead of me, I kept my pace as I always do, others tried to keep up with the fast runners. But I finished my run at about an hour and 15min was my time. There was a kid in the race who made it in 38min! He’s a track student at one of the local high schools in the area, 6.2miles in 38min. unbelievable to me for sure. I finally made it to the finish line and I was so happy to have made it, I didn’t stop only for water and to unloose my shoelace and then I was on my way again. All in all, I was very proud of myself, I headed back to Moab, got to my dad’s place, and watched a bit of a movie and then I headed back to Grand Junction, CO again. I started to miss my kiddies, they spent the night at their friend’s house Friday night, and it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Kids were happy to see me and the house was as it was the last time we left it. I noticed the landlord was there and he covered the air conditioning panel up for the winter. He also moved our garbage can into the garage for us, I guess it belongs in the garage. I really have to organize the garage too, so many things to do and to clean and to throw out. It’s never-ending! I liked it when we were away, away from the unorganized mess, anyway tomorrow is another day and it’s a day full of stuff. Anyhow have a good day on your Monday and hope you all enjoy the holiday of you are celebrating it, I wished I was, paid holiday. One day I’ll be in one of those jobs where I get paid on holidays…

Momentum of the day

YAY! Today is Friday, October 7, 2016 and I am so ready to get out of town. This will be my first weekend off since two months ago in August, I will be heading out to the Needles National Park near Monticello to do a 10k run. They have sent me an email indicating the schedule and the times to when I need to be tomorrow morning! Along with some additional information if I needed it, but I’m sure I’m all set. The tentative plan is after work at 3pm today I need to gather up my stuff when I get home, get my daughter geared up to go with me, and send my son on his way to his friend’s house. Now unless my daughter changes her mind, she will be going with me, which is unless she changes her mind to stay with her friend here instead. My little girl is such a beautiful little girl, she means a lot to me, I guess it’s the mommy and daughter feeling you have. With my daughter she keeps me in check with myself, she is like the guard and my protector. She makes sure I don’t do anything stupid like be with the wrong guy, she is very keen about things like that. My daughter reminds me of my own mom, always telling me what to do and it’s eerie but she looks at me like my mom used to when she was upset with me. Someone once told me “mothers and daughters have the same egg”, I think this is the reason we are so close. So when the daughter has a little girl, the little grand-daughter has her grandmothers and mothers eggs. This is the reason grandmothers are so close to their grand-daughters, because they have the same eggs. When my daughter heard me and my sister talk about her eggs, she looked us with her huge beautiful eyes and said, “I have EGGS?” I guess she was thinking she had eggs like a bird, she was so cute when she heard us talk about grandma’s eggs and my eggs, my sister’s egg and then her eggs. So it’s something I have to get into more details with my daughter when she gets a bit older. Aside to the egg bit, the saga continues with the organization subject, yesterday I came home and it seemed like the place was cleaner than it was the other day? So I asked my son about his day and if he had cleaned. Of course his answer was “no”, I was stunned to the fact the house was not a total mess as it is all the time. So I was well pleased with the way things looked, except we still need a vacuum cleaner. I suppose I could hire someone to vacuum my house, just vacuum. An interesting thought and a brilliant idea! Anyway I came home, I had to put on my gear to go run otherwise I won’t be able to get out of my chair to change into my running gear. So I immediately went upstairs put on my sports bra, my running pants, and my socks and shoes. Then I sat down and watched a bit of TV, I guess it’s the calm before the storm which means before I get out and start my regimen. It’s a process for me to get out and start my workout, I have to first tell myself, “You have to get going, you have to get up and get out the door.” Sometimes it’s a fight with myself, most times the running girl inside of me wins, other times it’s a toss-up. But once I’m out the door and out stretching and getting my earphones on and have my phone set on my MapRun I’m usually good to go. Now it’s not the most pleasant when I am out starting on my run, it’s the first 5min or 10min into my run where I really have to focus and coach myself to keep up, get myself in place with the road ahead of me. Constant coaching myself all the time, for me it’s hard to get going with my run, I have to think of ways to get a good, good, good workout. I love to sweat and it’s crucial that I must have hills to run, all in all my run has uphill trails in the neighborhood. I end up having more than one hill to climb while I run, it’s exhausting but it’s essential to keep the momentum up. It’s all about momentum and it’s all about the will to keep going no matter how much it hurts. I want to always push myself in this way, no pain no gain, it’s an awesome feeling to have for yourself. I have to admit, I wish I was a skinny little thing so I can run farther than I do now. I want to go farther into the long stretch of miles, let’s say about 20miles or so. I just need to train myself to consistently eat lean, eat clean and be persistent in my quest. I have to really train my brain in this area, just like all other areas in my life, like my home. I have to train my brain to conquer the unorganized self and make it better in being better organized. I have to have a starting point with myself, with my brain, it’s a chore to do. It’s just like my running, I have to get up, get going out the door, but in this case get up and pick up a trash bag and pick up stuff. The brain is a remarkable organ of our body, it’s the part of us that tells the body what to do. The circuit board to our human body, what we feel, how we respond, what we choose to do and it basically commands all other organs to operate. Isn’t that amazing! We are generated by a soft tissue protected by a hollow cavity called the skull. That is why we have to make sure we protect our delicate living operable tissue inside our skull. I love the brain, it’s the best part of the body, with this we can learn and we can do, we can know and we can continue to learn all the time. It never ceases in learning and gaining knowledge, this is why God created us so perfect, it was meant to survive and it was meant to send signals to the heart to feel and to know. Without our brain we can’t love and we can’t help, and we can’t carry on. So love your brain and love yourself, because we only have one body and one life. I will love you brain, I will carry on and I will try my best to conquer this thing called organization. Good luck to me on my run tomorrow and let’s hope all goes as planned. I hate planning it never turns out the way it’s supposed to. 

Mid-Week Progress

This morning was a tough morning to get out of bed, I slept so good last night, and I guess it was because I was referred to sleeping with a pillow tucked between my legs. Yes, a pillow tucked between your legs does wonders to your sleeping pattern. When I was pregnant with my two babies long ago, I remember sleeping with a pillow between my legs, and I always slept so well. So now I am up and it is still dark outside and it’s very chilly these days, the leaves are changing the colors of yellow, orange, brown and even maroon color on certain trees. I remember when I took Botany in college we went through the discussion of the changing of leaves. Although I didn’t do so well in Botany I still enjoyed my time in Mr. McCulley’s class. So back to the class, every time fall comes around I think about the subject of the fall season and the changing of leaves.  Why do you think the leaves change their colors at the end of summer and into fall? I thought it has to with the oxidation of the leaves, I say the words oxidation like I really know what it means. Then I try to remember is it a chemical reaction in the atmosphere? My mind is just at a standstill this time of the year, it’s comical to me of what certain things make my mind crazy.  Anyway, let’s get back to my unorganized life, I was supposed to ketchup yesterday morning, but I had a bit of a malfunction with my computer. The other day I specifically told my twelve year old son not to get on the computer and do not download anything. Specifically telling a child is way complicated for them to understand, well he neglected my specification, and after I headed upstairs to go to bed he got onto my computer and downloaded some Minecraft character. I was so upset yesterday morning and so bummed I was not going to be able to blog my daily thoughts. So as usual I spent some time in control panel to uninstall programs other stupid nonsense trash. As I did there two I was able to get off, then there was one last thing which was very stubborn and it was not going to get off my computer at all. It was something I had to take to a specialist in town, I thought oh great, here we go again with this technical problem with my computer. Always on my computer, although my son has his own computer but it is down due to some virus malware junk that completely took over. But that is my guess, I liked his computer too. So yesterday morning was a complete disaster. I headed to work as usual and it was busy, busy with insurance projects of restoration work. Tons of bags and my boss just pacing back and forth to make room for the job, immediate chaos in the dry cleaning laundry facility, but it was good. We all helped one another in the job which I heard is supposed to be done in 7 days, normally the projected time is two weeks. This was going to be a hectic 7 days. So this morning I am going to write a bit of my success of my cleanliness before I head to chaos. The other day I came home and I just stared at the abyss of stuff everywhere in the living room, in the kitchen, in the bathroom and in my room. Then I looked at the kids, I guess the living monster was in my eyes, because I think my kids saw red. I directed them to this and that and I got a garbage bag and just threw stuff in it and cleared stuff off of our dinner table and swept the kitchen floor while my kids continued picking up. My son was upstairs cleaning up around his room and in the bathroom. Then my daughter was in the kitchen cleaning dishes, and putting them away. This moment made me feel almost free, but there was one thing lacking… a vacuum cleaner. I will have to invest in a new vacuum cleaner, either that or order a new part for my Shark vacuum cleaner, I love my vacuum cleaner it’s like the best once it starts. I giggle at the statement it works, the suction works but the motor to pick up crap on the floor does not. Aside from my dilemma of a vacuum cleaner, I was pleased the other night. My kids made me proud and they do make me proud regardless of anything they do. They are little humans who require much love and much attention. They are little humans that need much grace and much understanding at the same time. I was told one time, on several occasions from my mom and from my beautiful aunt from Monument Valley, UT, “Your daughter and your son just wants you to love them, so love your daughter and love your son.” My aunt used to tell me not to get upset or mad at my kids, they just want to be loved, so love them no matter what they do. You know she was right, it’s not about them being who you want them to be, regardless of how people raise their kids at the end of the day we just need to love them and set aside the things that disappoint us. I think as parents we lack the discipline of loving our children, I know sometimes I do, I just need to sit back and be gracious to them. My dad has always said, “Treat your kids like they’re kings and queens.” I used to think my dad was high on something when he said that, but I remember my parents treated my baby brother as such, my mom just loved her son, her only son so much, and it took little discipline to raise him. I mean at the beginning he did receive his fair share of discipline, not much, not as much as us girls had. I guess as a single parent I have my moments with my kids, but I do not spank them like “I’m spank happy” toward them. I am always afraid if I step out of line with my kids on disciplining them with spanking they will be taken away from me. Due to the fact that I am a single parent. This is my worst fear is someone taking my kids away from me, I truly adore and I truly  love my children that even fear comes upon me on losing them. Anyway, it has been a wonderful two days with just being a mom and loving my two children who are not perfect but beautiful. 

Travesty Week

The beginning of this week is a trying time for me, this fall has been nothing but utter disappointment to me. I guess in life you occasionally have to have obstacles and those obstacles no matter what has to be dealt with. I often make promises to myself, I tell myself I am going to start on this and that is that. Most often it never happens at all, I tend to forget or I remember but I do something else like sit and knit watching TV with my kids. But as sure as day the thought the promise I made to myself is there lingering in the back of my mind. Procrastination is the biggest problem I have, I have always had this dilemma. This problem of procrastination is on a daily basis. I’ve yet to conquer this thing of procrastination, but I have heard that procrastination is good! It’s supposed to mean you are brilliant or something in those line of words. Trying to stay positive on who you are is also frustrating me this week. Positiveness, I made this word up… I need a made up something to make me feel better about myself. Aside from my procrastination problem and lack of keeping a promise, I have been looking and searching for another job that pays a bit more than what I’m making currently. Yesterday I received a denial letter from a job I applied for, which requested bachelor’s degree only. Did not specify what area of a degree they needed, it just said bachelor’s degree, and the pay scale was at $26 an hour. I was so praying it would be a great opportunity for me to get, but that wouldn’t be the case at all.  They sent me a denial letter and you know what I hate the wording on those letters, they often say things like “I am so sorry”, and then end with have a “happy job hunting in your journey.” Do they really think it’s a nice letter to send out to single mothers who are struggling to make ends meet?  It’s frustrating, it has made this week very horrible and very depressing. I have no idea what to do, I have two or three opportunities I’ve invested in and they just sit on the shelf. You know those small business venture you do on your own and you build on how many people you can sign up under you? Yea those small business venture, when I was presented with the idea from another friend to me it sounded like a great opportunity, others were doing it and doing very well. At the moment I start to tell myself yes I can do this, surely if the people who do this does well I can do it too! It’s never the case at all, I pay my dues but I am in the same rut. When I do go out and try to build my business and make phone calls to prospects they always fall through, or someone is putting it down. Saying “I was a member once and it did nothing for me!” I hate rejection, especially when all I need is to build on this business for my kids and I. You know a little help always help matter if it is and extra $100 to $200 a month it helps. But with this little business I am hopeful it will have its season and it will grow, it just takes me to take the initial step to continue in spreading the information to others. Being a business woman is not my forte at all, I love educating other people on things they need to know, it makes me feel like I did something good for someone else. But selling is the lacking on my part, fear and rejection is something I have to one day conquer. This morning I awoke and I was not wanting to get up from my slumber. I think I am getting depressed again, I need to get out and smell the fresh air and also run again. I haven’t even done that task either, and this weekend is my 10k run! Yea it’s a dismal week, my spiritual life is a travesty, not one time have I opened up my Bible to commune with God. I haven’t prayed to Him on a daily basis, I feel like I am just going to hit a wall so hard that it is going to jeopardize our lives. I mean I am the bread winner in this family, I don’t have a husband to take care of us, and it’s just me! It freaks me out… it frustrates me, I want to be the ultimate mother who is single and can care for her cubs like the momma bear in the wilderness. The momma bear searches for food and makes shelter for the coming winter season, and teaches her cubs along the way. The value of survival, the tactics to defending themselves, and show them what the vast wilderness offers them. She always gets up in the morning and gets her cubs out with her and they walk for miles, and miles all over to find food and to find a good spot to live and sleep for the winter. And momma bear attacks and scares those who come close to her babies, she furious and she is loving. Independent from a male bear, she will fight a male bear and fight him with blood, she will fight him to the death. I want to be that fighter, I want to be furious and independent. To be able to teach my kids the fundamentals of life, I want to be a momma bear.  

Schedules and memories

Wow already the third day of October, there is nothing better than a very cool morning and a cool day with the leaves changing than this time of the year. It’s the most beautiful time of the year yet the shortest of the year. Fall makes me happy and it makes me content at the moment to see the change in the weather and the change in the time. This morning it was a tough time to get out of bed, so nice and snuggly in the morning while the rain is slowly pouring down. Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine, I had told him my dilemma of my not cleaning sickness and my not so organized life. His response was, “Oh you’re just going through a phase…” I thought to myself, “A phase eh” it’s interesting how people think it’s so easy to change. I had a comment on my blog from my cousin whom I love very much, tell me that it was “simple really.” Then she continued about her position as a mother and her kids, then she mentioned her mother, which is the sister to my mom. Then I thought about my mother, I learned a lot from her, she was the most perfect to me, if there was any on this earth she was one of them. Of course we all know our mothers are the best, in any case my mom she was the super homemaker for sure. She was the model for me to take care of a home for her kids and for her husband. I remember always waking up early along with her and sitting in the kitchen sipping on some coffee while she cooked breakfast for my dad and for my baby brother. She seemed to love taking care of her men at home, while my dad slept my mom was preparing for him. When it was time she’d get him up and my dad would struggle to get out of bed. I can still hear her, “Honey! It’s time to wake up, get up honey.” She was so caring toward my dad, when he was ready, mom would greet him out the door with his coffee in hand. After his leaving for work mom and I would end up in the living room watching her Good Morning America show or the Today Show, which I can’t stand anymore. Since they are a liberal media farce, anyway I looked up to her as a good house wife, she was very clean and very organized woman. I think about her and then I look at myself and think, “What the hell happened to me?” My mom had a habit she had kept for years while I grew up as a child into adulthood, she would make it a point to clean every Saturday that was cleaning day, unless there was plans for Saturday then it was Friday. When I was on my own I tried to keep the schedule she had, clean on Saturday and make it a cleaning/laundry day. It worked, I would clean my bathroom so good and the house would smell so good! I loved it, I had my own place with my own cleaning schedule and I ran every single day, at least 2-3miles a day. At that time I was 24yrs old and I was single with not a care in the world, well I was hoping for mister right but I always got mister wrong. I often to this day think of my moment if life where I was clean and I was so, so organized somewhat. In that moment of my life I was happy, it was just me and it was just my dog and cat, it was not too messy and it was delightful. I love my kids don’t get me wrong they are a true blessing to my life, they make me laugh and I am never alone. This year I find it hard for me to let my kids go and spend a week at my family’s home while I am here working my tail off. Although they do make a mess and never pick after themselves, they are my pride and joy. This is the area I often think about, my kids and my parenting skills. I should teach them responsibility but I am not, I should set up a cleaning schedule chart for them but I’m not. Households everywhere give their children chore lists and here I am, I do not. Wow what a great group of people who do these things, as a child growing up we didn’t have that either. My mom always picked up after us, then as we got older she would give us the task to wash the dishes which I hated and to this day really hate. She would always ask me to cook dinner for the family all the time and I would, and she’d have us out there in the heat to pull weeds and rake them up with her. She was good at getting us to do the job, but aside from that, she had our daddy to push us a bit more to help. Each year starting in at the end of August we would go out and gather wood for the long winter season and then go rabbit hunting with daddy. Mom would always get her stuff ready for the cook out in the desert, always made tortillas and then a big meal to go along with it. I loved my mom’s tortillas and her fry bread, no one makes it as good as our mothers. It true, other tortillas made from others do not compare to my mom’s, then again I love my aunties cooking on my dad’s side of the family. They are all excellent chefs, I love going to the rez and eating with my family, they are the best at taking care of family and getting things done as it should be. Of course they live with minimal things such as water, they still haul their water and they live off of solar panels and some still have their out houses by their homes. The old way of life is the best, even now with the minimal things than off the rez they have cleanliness and they have organization in their homes. It’s homey and it’s so cozy how they live, then there’s my home where it’s not cozy and it’s not organized at all. I wish I had a fairy god mother who would just wave her wand at me and make me a super mom with the power to get organized. That would be so awesome! “Wishes”… my ex hubby has always told me, “You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, now which one do you think will pile up faster? The wish or the shit?” He was somewhat wise… 

One Day at a Time

This morning I got to sleep in till 7am I am very pleased with myself for sure. So today is Sunday the second day of October and it’s so nice outside, the leaves are turning it’s colors and I am here in a warm place in my messy living room sipping on my yerba tea. Yes this place I live in is a total mess, I look at it and my mind has 1000 shades of multi colors. Like a clown immersed in the many colors of the party favors and popped balloons scattered on the ground or in a room. This mess has to give, something has to give, but when and how do I begin to start on this organization of a home? Okay so I surf Facebook on my spare time… well okay, all the time and on it there is a class that is being offered this month here in Grand Junction! The cost is $20 per class and it’s based on organization and how to be successful in studying, I am only interested in the organization part of the class. But if it could help me and get me to pick up some skills in this area of my life I would be so thankful. Yesterday morning while getting ready for work I was in the bathroom by the sink and I looked at the stuff that was on the sink. I stood there for a moment, thoughts were just racing throughout my mind. One thought in particular was, “I really have to organize this area, I have to clean the sink, the toilet and also around the bottom of the toilet too. Oh then there is the tub, must clean the tub for the us family, and pick up the clothes on the floor and empty the trash.” I have heard in a movie, one must start in one room and make it theirs, I’m thinking my room. But the easiest task for me would be the bathroom, it’s small and it’s just right to work on. Then I was thinking maybe one at a time work on another room, of course with the kids help. Yesterday morning was interesting, before I went off to work, my twelve year old got up and started to gather up his clothes. Yea, gathering up his clothes and then some towels! He went and washed his clothes by himself and asked small questions on clothes and separation. I was very amazed and surprised he did this task, I know my kids are capable and I know I am too. It’s just the niche in my brain that needs to be turned on. Then there’s my daughter who is totally going to turn out to be just like me, which I am hoping does not. I have this dream my own kids will turn out better than me, go farther than my own self. Because in reality I am not a super mom, my skills in mommy home maker, well in all words, “sucks!” Then when I even think of marriage, I think “oh my gosh” I am not cut out to be more than a mommy home maker. To make another human being happy is like trying to put out your other eye! Of course, yes of course there are men out there who just want to make the wifey poo happy and of course he does his part. “Honey, I have to pray for a man like this to try to make me happy not the other way around!” As each day goes by I am hoping that my brain will turn a click or two to change, to be ambitious, to be better than it was yesterday. I did something I was supposed to do yesterday, and it was to take my vehicle in to get its oil changed and get its tires rotated and balanced. CHECK MARK for me yesterday! I confess though, I haven’t ran yet, I had two days off and I did not do one running yet. I am pretty bummed about this, and I know I am going to do this task today. I also have my calendar to write my days in again, things I need to do and things I need to accomplish this week. I know one thing, I am not going to be late for work this week. I am going to be early, at least 5-10min early, you know why? Because my kiddies have a whole week off and that means I don’t have to fight tooth and nail to get my daughter out of bed, yay for me! Although considering I have an understanding boss, he is really an awesome boss. He works day in and day out with nothing but females and his wife, which is female too. Anyway, these two are the kindest people on the planet as far as I’m concerned, and the people there are the best. I work with some beautiful people on the planet, even though it is not what I went to school for, it’s a really good step in the right direction. The skills I needed in the area of my degree really has to do with people. Dealing with people day in and day out, people who are rude, people who are sad, people who has substance abuse, and people who are just kind and good. This is what Public Health is all about, it’s all about people and their needs and also what ways I can educate people. For instance, customer service at its finest in a laundry facility, I go out and promote laundry cards and educate them on how beneficial it is to have one. Also it is refundable along with the .75 deposit required for the card, as well as registering it in your name just in case you lose it. Education is a must with people, education on many things which pertain to their environment and to their health. With all this education talk I should know better on my organization, makes me laugh and frustrates me too. Okay I am sitting here at my desk and my kids left an awful mess on the desk. Mind you I have already told them to clean it up, at least twice I have told them. This is the frustration of keeping clean, my kids have selective hearing, which mind you works and yes their selective hearing does work. At least I don’t have to worry about their hearing impairment. So today I have decided to work on the bathroom, at least. We first have to attend church this morning and then maybe check out the Goodwill for a good affordable vacuum cleaner, mine took a dump and no longer is operable. I really liked my vacuum I had, but someday I will buy another vacuum cleaner and I hope by then I will have mastered the art of organization and well defined cleanliness. But for now I am going to take it one day at a time, one day in the bathroom and another day in another room. Patience, it’s all about patience and understanding to yourself, even though it’s hard to live it’s easy to sit and think one plausible moment at a time.

The Beginning of my Search, My quest

This morning I awoke very early and I just could not sleep at all, I really was excited to sleep in this morning. It’s Saturday and I get to go to work at 9am! Yeah this was the day to looking forward to sleep in for a bit, since during the week I have to wake up at 5am. Which I should be awake sooner than that, but I am so dog gone tired by then. Maybe it’s because I have so much on my mind and I’m thinking way too entirely much, I believe that is my problem. Do you ever think of ways to make yourself better? Things that will improve the way you live, such as cleaning for example. Take cleaning as an example and house chores, I struggle in this area BIG TIME! I don’t know how to manage a house and keep it clean, my mind is boggled with thoughts and it’s even stirred when I come home to a messy home. When I see a mess in my home I see a mess in my life. My car is a mess, my house is a mess, I mean I’d sit here and think I use to clean homes for a living at one time? Why can’t I do the same for my own home? There are so many obstacles in my mind that need to be undone, or organized. By the way, what is organization anyway! How do I get that, how much does that cost? Lately the term organization is in my little mind, I don’t think I was ever organized at all. With that, it has affected my children too. This is a rut I really need to work out and stay out of, my children need to learn the value of being organized and learn the value of a clean organized life. Maybe I need to be hypnotized to be organized in a home, with my children, and with school. Even in school I was always blundering around with my notes and never keeping on task with studies. I’ve bought calendars to keep myself focused and organized, I’ve listened to Toney Robbins on how to conquer things in my life, I’ve read the Bible to get powered up by the Holy Spirit to get organized, yet nothing seems to help at all. When I see mother’s at the school who pick up their children I often sit and examine them, how do they do it? How is it in their life as a mother, a working mother at that. I mean they all seem all perfect and then there is me! I bet if you see me you’d think the same thing, “Oh there she is… there’s that single mother who struggles with attention and detail at home.” Oh yea, I’m that sore thumb you see that screams out, “Mom that has a problem to attention to detail in her own life!” While others in this world are protesting and making a big whoop about the environment and Mother Earth, here I am with myself. That’s why I’m not a relationship that is why I want to be alone and not let any man come into my domain to see how this unorganized woman lives! It’s frustrating for me, day in and day out I live in secret of my home life, of who I really am. I am embarrassed on who I’m supposed to be as a mother. Oh that poster mom I think I should be but I’m not. My mind is just carried away with stuff, just stuff that are unreal, I live in my mind in a fantasy world. Yeah sometimes I dream up ideas and fantasize in my life as a single woman. Romance with a good-looking dashing man, dreams of continuing on with my education and then some. I have already finished one dream I have had all my life and that is getting my Bachelor’s degree. Have I used it? No, not even one job has accepted me to work in my field of study. It’s pretty depressing, people tell me, “Oh even though they’ll still hire you.” YOU HAVE A BACHELOR’S DEGREE… “Bull butter”. But who am I to say anything at all, I still want to get my Master’s degree, I still want to achieve what I can in my life. But first thing is first, that unorganized part of me, where do I start? I could pay $4500 to attend Tony Robbins to find out what the hell is the matter with me or I could continue to sit here and keep asking myself, “What the hell is the matter with me!” You know one thing I have that I absolutely love is running, at my age is crucial to be active and going all the time. I was doing so good just eating clean and then, I became a ticking time bomb eating garbage again. But I still run regardless of my eating situation, I still take my vitamins each day to keep me going. Well this is the story of my life, I guess I should write it out and see how many people have the same problem as me. In this writing of mine I want to be real each day that passes by, I want to know what it is, what can help me change. I know of course it’s my mind the way I think and perceive. It’s a hard deal to accept, my mind is an untamed world made of stuff that makes me crazy! I’ve got a lot of stuff I want to lay out on the table, so many stuff that make my head spin.