There Is Bliss...

I am not sure how things come together to be perfect, one way or another. Sometimes the past can surprise you and it is so nice. I love the feeling of emptiness, and then the inducing presence of an old flame to fill that emptiness. One minute you're sad the next absolute bliss and satisfaction. Life can be complicated but it can also be fun. To be clear, my life is not centered on one man, I hope one day it will be, I always hope that the man who finds me so attractive does anything to want to be with me. I love the patience of a man who waits to see me, even when I have someone else in my life. It says a lot about a man, last night was all about me. This is exactly what he told me, I love that he stated that "it was all about me." We hadn't seen each other for a long time, well, it seemed like forever, since last summer. Last night we caught up in conversations about what was going on in our lives since the last time we were together. I enjoy times when a woman and a man can lay with each other and catch up. He never let go of my hand, he opened the door to my vehicle for me, he let me lay in his arms in his bed and held me tight. I have yearned for that kind of bliss. We don't see each other all the time, we are always busy working, so I suppose waiting is something I have to get used to. It's ironic that when one door closes, another door opens. I really needed him to hold me during the night, it's something my mind and my soul needed. 

I think the last time I was held in such a manner was my ex-husband, I loved being held in bed and kissing each other. It's the most romantic thing ever, to embrace and feel the warmth of lovely compassion. I don't know about other women, but it helps heal something inside, it heals a part of you that seems unbearable. The unbearable feeling is so familiar, the feeling is not fun to feel, then sometimes it can be good after having someone make it bearable and not that bad anymore. Being me is not a usual woman, I can handle almost a lot. However, there is the thing that some women have been through more trauma than I have. All I can share this morning is I am slowly getting there, and I have a friend who waits in the midst of me, patiently he waits for me, and that is a man who I really appreciate. 

When It Have Tough Days

At my age now going to be a year older soon, the things that used to be, are now what it is. Does that make sense? You can't change a thing in life that occurs, you have to let it be. There have been so many times when I didn't let it go, at the time I was an alcoholic, so my substance abuse didn't help. It made me stupid and not think soberly. Growing up is the most challenging thing in a person's life, you would think an adult would be smart enough to know that. If you take a moment to think about it, we are all children and immature in living. I am guilty of looking at people and thinking they need to grow up when in all reality I NEED TO GROW UP. Having to sit back and realize that you're the one immature judging people, also it isn't our place to judge. My son always tells me that, when I complain of Taylor Swift or Nancy Pelosi... I am smiling typing this. He lets me know by rebuking me and letting me know it's dangerous to try to sit on the throne that isn't intended for you. I love my son, but he makes me feel like a total ass, however, I really appreciate my boy. Even though he is 20 years old he is so wise and knowledgable at his young age. I pray for my son's wife, I pray for her to be the partner that will complete him 100%. It's important to do as a parent. I do the same for my daughter, I pray for her husband, my son-in-law to be a God-fearing man, a man after God's own heart, I want him to be that way so he can take care of my daughter and my grandkids. I don't want my children to be like me, alone without a life partner. I want them to have what I have always wanted. I was blessed with a marriage, but it didn't work out, however, I am thankful because I wouldn't have had my son or my daughter. 

There are a lot of lessons along the way of life, it is not easy to confess your sins, it's not easy to take the blame, and it isn't even easy to make choices to quit in life. I can tell you something about me, I am not a fighter for anyone, Meaning, men, I don't fight for men, instead I pray for them. It's a way to get through the ones left behind. It makes my life so much easier to pray for them. I pray a lot, I need to do this because the Bible tells me so. I try to read the Bible too, it helps in life to read the Book, do you remember the movie, Lonesome Dove? Gus, I love Gus, he is such a beautiful soul, and he makes my heart pitter-patter. Anyway, he is sitting by the campfire and just reading his Bible early in the morning drinking his coffee out of a tin cup. When his good friend comes up to him all riled up and unhappy, mocks him for sitting around. That Woodrow Crow is an old grumpy crow. But Gus, he's the man, has hardly any worries and he lives life like it was meant for him to live. If you haven't watched Lonesome Dove I suggest you set aside some hours and watch it, it's a good movie, or listen to the audiobook if you can't sit long enough to watch it. It amazes me that there are people out there who cannot sit too long to watch a movie! Or even sit and enjoy the scenery and the mountain air while fishing. I need to have a settled-minded person in my life, otherwise I'd go nuts! Some day, I will get what I have always wanted, in the meantime, I have to work out things for myself that I realize I need to do.

For me, it is important to measure the kind of person I am. Even after the separation of someone in my life who was there just for a brief moment. The thing about me is that I learned something about myself, and mind you, I have always tried to master the feeling of jealousy, and that is NOT BE JEALOUS. It's been a trial for me to defeat, even when I was married I was a jealous cat, I hissed at the women looking at my man, and I got ugly with my husband when he was at the bar without me. That was 24 years ago too! Even before my guy was my husband. Men are different, they seem to not get jealous, and maybe it's because they just care about the woman they are with. The last man never was jealous, it made me feel defeated that he matured more than me. Because I was the older one! Only by 2 years... aside from age, I apologize, I tend to go off in my writing. Last night, I woke up at 1:00 am in the morning and I could not go back to sleep, I sat in my bed and prayed and prayed, then I lay in my bed thinking about writing in my blog. My thoughts were, "I want to get up and write, but it's almost 2:00 am, and I need to rest." I finally laid myself to sleep, then I woke up late for work!!!! My usual time to wake up is 4:00 am in the morning. I love waking up early to sit and have my coffee and ponder, pray, and like Gus read the Good Book. But today I did not, my day is going to be a good day no matter what, I will believe that. 

So I am sitting here in my living room, drinking my coffee, admiring my life, and being thankful for being me and waking up to another day. This is what life is all about, not about money or riches, or having the finest things in life, it's about being content with what you have. Being thankful every day that you get to be alive and breathe. Listen, life isn't easy, no one said it would be. Otherwise, life would be so boring that we'd be living like zombies. Have a great day, and be thankful for today.

Transparency Is Not Easy, Discovering The Norm

One of the things that I pride myself on is my genuine way of moving on. It isn't easy to move on, however, it is good to do just that. Sometimes for most, it is really difficult to do. I suppose that I need to take a break from dating apps till I really heal. I have the gifts that Texan gave me, yeah, I can be content for a while till I heal. I am smiling about the gifts that Texan gave me. I wish that my shoulder was totally healed, that way I could escape to a cold place and sleep in my van. Just to experience the cold cold mornings on my own, I know it sounds crazy, but healing does make some people do crazy things. The thing about this encounter, it was a very nice encounter. I was happy now and then, but most often I was a ticking time bomb. The thing about me is that I am an old-fashioned woman, trying to keep up with the times of accepting people and who they associate themselves with is hard for me.

Texan, let me know from the beginning that he had girlfriends from where he used to work, places in the east, and also his primary ex-girlfriend. I suppose our encounter should have been a one-time deal and then never knew or saw each other again. But, he kept messaging me, always messaged me all the time. I was enthralled by him, and yes I did fall deeply in love. One of the traits I have is to fall too fast with a man whom I see or engage with every day. As I am getting over the things in the last 5 months, which is not that long, I start to examine myself. Where did I go wrong in this thing? First of all, I blame him, and me too, for showing me pictures of his ex-girlfriend's profile and all her pictures with him in it. Do you know how that makes me feel as an older woman? Like shit, and she is so successful in her career, high class. It was like he held her on a pedestal. Telling me they text each other EVERY DAY. That didn't help my brain. More than that, all the women he met along the way too! Texan proceeds to tell me about the women he was with moving from one location to another with his job! I tell ya, TICKING TIME BOMB. I should have let him know, but I was trying to be the cool woman, you know the one that doesn't give a shit about him. But I did. 

I am not a perfect woman by any means, I am human and yes there are issues that I am still dealing with. It sucks, sometimes fixing yourself really sucks. I hate that I get jealous, I hate that I have feelings, and I hate that I fall too hard for someone. At times I hate being me. I think it's normal for people to have these thoughts and feelings. In every person's life, there is something that they have to deal with and go through. In individual's lives, they haven't yet forgiven those who did them wrong. They carry baggage with them, it was that person who did me wrong or this and that happened, and I hate them. I know what I need to do, I have to forgive the terrible man who treated me like trash. It wasn't my ex-husband, I forgave him, it wasn't my daughter's dad, I forgave him. It was a particular man in my life whom I dated for a time, the most awful guy I ever met in my life. I wished I had never met him, I always tell people, that if I had to turn back time and do it all over again, I would delete that part out of my life. I know, typical woman issues, yes probably, but there are men out there who have the same kind of wish too. I often wonder, what was the purpose of my meeting this particular heartless, selfish kind of man? All I know is that I know that I have to forgive this guy. It is the hardest thing for me to do. 

As the days go on, and I am trying to unveil things in my life, I hope for the best. I pray for blessings on all persons whom I met in my life except that one guy, I just made myself smile and laugh. Just kidding, I do, I pray and hope for the best. We all have our foundation that we were set upon, it's actually cool to realize that we were built on a foundation. We can have it built strong or, we can build it and use sticks to watch it crumble to the ground. All I know is that life is something we have to live and appreciate the aspects and endure with great thankfulness that we are all here. Like children in preschool, we have to forgive and carry on. If we don't we will not see easy paths to continue on. Just like the Beauty Way and the Hozho Way, we all have to be on the path of positivity, if we are living negatively then our path will lead us to destruction. Just like keeping our eyes on the prize of Jesus Christ. I am better just being here on this blog that helps me get through things in my life. 

Just this morning I was in a crying session, I don't know, sometimes it happens. But I was very sad, it was like my heart broke into a million pieces. I just sat in my living room holding a paper towel to my face and wept. I prayed to God to help me, comfort me Jesus, my heart still hurts, but it's good. While I sat on my couch praying and crying to the Lord, I asked him to hold me, hold me, and comfort me. The one thing that came into my mind was the simple verse, "Be still and know that I am God". At that moment my tears were dried. How wonderful it is that when you are broken or going through stuff, He lets you know something so simple. I wanted to share that, just know that He is not too far away from you and He understands. I know God and His voice, it is so sweet to hear, He is a gentle kind, loving God.

Well, I suppose I have ranted my rant and there will be another day of me ranting on and on about living in my fifties. Enjoy your Martin Luther King Jr. weekend.

Change is Good, It's Essential, But Good

What can I say about changes? Changes occur all the time in people's lives, I think it's a way to maximize the heart and the mind. It's never easy to not have someone in your life anymore. It's like a withdrawal state, every addiction to something or someone has a withdrawal period. Substance abuse has a period of withdrawal; through getting sick with vomit and severe headaches. Sugar is also an addiction for those who make a commitment to quit the substance out of their daily intake. It can produce severe headaches and nausea. Lastly, it can happen with people, it's those who you love so much that when it's gone, it's gone forever. Individuals go through a period of heartbreak, sometimes it includes not eating and just drinking water because at times it's the only thing that can help the stomach from vomiting. Individuals can through a period of crying and/or tearing up in the middle of the day or driving to work. It's the crying part that we live with to get through the withdrawal state. The withdrawal from no messages in the morning or night to begin and end your day, the messages of "I'm home now" or "let's hang out and have dinner" those messages are withdrawal states of getting over an addiction of someone. The love of substances and the addiction go hand in hand I think. When I quit drinking and the sugars I went through headaches and some nausea, it's not a good feeling. You don't think that it was a part of your life until it's out of your system. But in time, your mind, body, and soul get used to the fact that you can live without it and not miss it anymore. 

The last few days are the building blocks of getting back to myself as I was before anyone entered my life. My children are so sweet to listen to me while I cry and get over it. They understand and they are such good kids that they know it takes time for mom to get over such a thing. For me, I should be better in the next month or so, if not then I'll have to deal with this thing to continue the trek of making my whole being whole again. Then guess what? I am giong to try again. That's what it's all about, trying again, making sure that hope is going to come to fruition. You never can give up on hope, it's essential to a happy life, and we all deserve happiness. I don't hate people, I just think they're stupid, I smile as I type those words. I think I'm stupid too! However, it's okay, it'll be good. I am looking forward to mountains in the summer and camping, I am going to fix my fishing reel to a fresh line to fish with and make sure my camping supplies are all ready to use. Thank God I have a van that I can run away with and escape from my mind and my heart. It's the one thing that God blessed me with, relief from life and then to enjoy his nature and comforts. 

I have good thoughts to take with me, and good warm memories to cherish and take with me. It was a fun time to be with someone who was a good guy. I just hope and pray blessings on their lives to be greatly blessed, more blessed than mine. It was a good period in my life to have a short-term relationship, I appreciate it, and I learned from it. However, to understand why I am the way that I am, it's that one thing that made me double-minded and uncertain. I know in the past I have had some tough times being this way, I always wondered why I should be thankful for all the things I went through with men? Some of them were dishonest with me and treated me like shit. That is one memory I am dealing with, the thought of forgiving this one indecent man in my life that has given me a thorn in my side that I seem to keep. At times this particular man in my life from long ago, I can't bring myself to forgive. He's old now, he never liked me or my kids and treated us like trash. It hurts to think about it, but I need to forgive that rotten bastard of a man. It's tough to have to realize that, but it is essential to a peaceful living and being free from the past. I suppose that is the garbage I carry and it left me uncertain of good men in my life, it leaves me not to trust good men because I haven't dealt with the past of a rotten man. I need to, that way in the next relationship I won't be such a crazy, double-minded woman. 

Times When It Feels Insane, But Beautiful...

It's been a while since I've written about my adventures and the Texan I'm seeing. It's been so nice and at times to the point where I have to hold my heart. We have an agreement to see each other until he leaves. He works in construction and that's a life he is content with, his life is traveling where he is needed. It's a perfect job for him because it's a way of life that gives him freedom; which is solitude, keeping busy, and not bored with life. He is however a great lover in my opinion, as I have stated before in my blog I have been with other men who are as equal. However, he is different, he is the kind of man who is wonderful in all areas of what I have always dreamed of. Unfortunately, he is not the man who I will spend the rest of my life with. Some may say that it's sad, but it really it isn't, I would say that Texan has empowered me to be more in life. I've learned a lot in our relationship. It has been so wonderful to be in a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin. He brought that out of me, I am no longer afraid of being in a relationship, I am no longer fearful of a broken heart if I have one. I am not concerned about when he is out and alone in his own mind. I have learned to be by myself, and I have learned to be stronger in my mental state as far as keeping cool when I know it's pissing me off. I appreciate the time I have with him, he is certainly a blessing in my life.

So many things about this man take me away, actually, he is inspiring to me. In ways that most couples really don't take into consideration. His demeanor is dominant, and his eyes are so mesmerizing when I look into his eyes they are deep into my soul. His lips are so captivating that I can't get enough of his kisses. It may sound like I am obsessed with Texan... maybe I am. I think it's better to be obsessed than to fall deeply in love with someone to the point that you know you can never have. In the way I am with this man, I know that after he leaves this area, I will never see him again. It is sad to realize, but it is also another way to grow. I do hope that in the next year, Texan will get whatever he wants in life, I hope his life is filled with the overabundance of fulfilled peace and enlightenment. He is one of a kind man, and he does care deeply, even though he acts like he doesn't. He is careful to show any kind of sweetness, I understand, and I respect his way of thinking and the way he lives his life. As a woman who might want a man who treats me like a queen, I'd rather be treated with respect and loved with gratitude and grace.

It is the first year of 2024 and so far things look good, I have goals but they are goals that are slightly different from others. Diets are not one of them, getting in shape is not one of them either. In the last year, I experienced a lot of hardships. It has been an up-and-down roller coaster for me. Since I met Texan in August, it seems to be so much struggle? I often wondered and asked, "Why?" As a human you tend to ask questions about life, another thing is why did it have to happen while I was seeing this man from Texas? Of course, he is still here seeing me in all my glory of continued hardships. Last year in 2023, I was fired from my job, my van broke down in front of his trailer, I fell off my porch and dislocated my shoulder, and had to go to the ER to get my shoulder back into place. THEN, I was told I needed surgery on my shoulder and have physical therapy for the next 4 months! Nothing prepares you for back-to-back hardships. However, for some reason, I had to go through this time of my life. Although, some good things happened within the last part of the year. I ended up getting another job and having an opportunity to grow in a company that would help me in the older years of my life. I can grow into other opportunities to help communities and grow with a team of brilliant people. It is the epitome of plans, which I believe are from God.

Another thing is that Texan didn't once judge me for what I was dealing with. We still have our intimate time together of wonderful beautiful sex. I am thankful for his way of how he sees me, he is not tired of me, at least that is the way I think. I did ask him about what he thought of me at times, I asked, "Do you ever get tired of me, or regret seeing me?" It is a question that all women ask, I think. But his response is always the same. He looks at me like I'm crazy, I love the looks he gives me, it's kinda sexy. Especially, when he directs it at me, at times he has his moments where he is harsh because he had a bad day. I make sure that he lets me know so I don't see him that way. But sometimes I have to give him a bit of relaxation to calm him down, and I love it when he calls me "Good girl." I melt like butter in his hands. A man with tattoos and a beard is one of the sexiest, good-time guys I enjoy being with. I have always loved men with beards, he is one of those men. But I have never experienced such dominance in such a way that is sexy, spicy and so exciting. In my nature, I succumb to men like him, melting into their hands to do what they want. 

Texan is intrigued by me as I am with him. We match in such a way that it is so desirable. I never knew that I would want things he initiates for me, things that a woman could never do, especially a Christian woman. By the way, I always ask for forgiveness for my indecent escapades. I have to admit, I will miss Texan, I will miss his good morning texts to me, his good night texts, his words of "text me when you get home." I have never met a man like him, a man who is almost like home to me. He was gone for Christmas and we kept in touch through texting, we always get excited when he's out of town. I like sending him nudes and risque pictures to remind him of me. There is one thing about him, I've given myself to him, in a way that I want to have all that he is going to give me. Before he leaves forever, I want to enjoy every moment with him as much as possible. It may sound like I am in love, I might be, however, I am good at unfalling in love. I have mastered that one thing in my life, and that is to unfall in love with a man. 

The Mind Can Be A Terrible Place

Lately, my blog entries have been leaned towards mental health issues. Relationships are the worst. What is it that makes relationships second-guess you? It’s often torture to the one who is starting to feel. I don’t want to feel it! I hate the fact that I have feelings that I refuse to have. It’s enviable that in any relationship, whether it be friendship, or family, or lovers, or even friends with benefits. There is a growing emotional attachment. I believe that we are created to love no matter the consequences or the choices we make. I try so hard not to have that emotional attachment. However, it’s going to happen. When two people have frequent casual sex, the flesh grows into the trap of emotion. There is a deep connection and a growing desire toward the person you are with. It’s a weird entrapment that is within us, humans are often subjected to the connection. Especially with those who are almost like yourself. A familiar kind of person who is someone else that you used to know. For me, it’s my ex-husband, I am not sure if I still miss him, but I am with someone who is almost like him, except, this guy is sober and way focused on everything. His mind blows me away, he is intellectually grounded and knows exactly what to say. I like his mind. The more and more I spend time with him, the more and more I start to engage in my mentality of thinking he’s going to leave me for someone else, or I am not attractive enough for him. I started to sabotage what I have in my life. Why do women do that? How come we sabotage this thing that is so amazing as far as being treated as a human being? Women have the minds that get fucked all the time and we ruin it. 

I am not sure why my stomach hurts when I think of Texas, it just does. Maybe it’s an emotional adjustment. I’m not sure. However, I find myself trying to sabotage this thing. I mean come on, look at the last blog I wrote. I am trying to sabotage it. But then again… see there is that still sense of thought. The thought of, “Maybe my gut feeling is true, maybe I am not wrong.” The only time I think this way is when there is a man involved, take the last guy who was the alcoholic. I was that way with him. I was constantly thinking he was with other women, probably true. Only because he drinks a lot and loves to be a dick about women in his life. I suppose the difference is the other guy who is an alcoholic and the sober man, is that the sober man is real. I know in my mind, I think at times I think kind of clearly, just not the last week or so. This last week has been bad. There is no other way to explain it. I know that life happens for a reason. I think to myself, now that I have met this guy, and then all of a sudden lost my job, and become unemployed, why is this happening with him in it? By the way, he is still hanging around, always texting me, always letting me know he is there. I appreciate him while I am trying to get myself out there in the workforce world again. This is the reason I write in my bogs, to get a sense of clarity and to make better the thinking that I have. I didn’t know that I deserved better, I didn’t know that deserving better would be in a relationship. Even though it is an oral contract of one year to be in this thing. I am learning to be in the presence of it all. However, whatever becomes will be. I just want a good life, everything that is here in my life, in the end, all I want is a good content life.

You Don't Know, But Life Can Change

I love my life, despite there are areas that make me want to give up on myself. But I fight it every day, the mind is so unbelievable. My heart, however, is constantly on guard. What is it about the mind and the heart that makes it so incredible? I know that when the mind and heart come together they work in unison. It's a team effort to live and know. One of the things that I do is pray, I pray because I need to pray. It's one of those things that comes with living. Just recently I lost my job about a week ago. I am currently unemployed. I had my time to weep and be depressed for the moment and then gathered up my thoughts and my feelings. I have never experienced being terminated from my position at a job. It was definitely an experience to be in. Nothing like starting out at the age of fifty years old. But you know there is that notion that it was meant to be, all this amount of things was meant to be. Just like the current relationship that has developed. I am second thinking again, but in the beginning, I did pray for this thing. The thing that I have with Texas. I asked God to reveal whatever there is a problem. "If You God think that I shouldn't continue this for some reason or another, and if this man is not truly a man, can you do something about it and reveal it?" This prayer I requested of Him. 

With this prayer that I most often give Him and pray to Him always is answered. The amazing thing is that He reveals the man to me just as crystal clear as the fresh rivers of Glacier, MT. That is how my God works in my life. This blog entry is not meant to preach to you, that is not my position. However, when you live, you must have a meditation and a higher entity to live with. Mine is my Heavenly Father, God, He is the only one who I count on to reveal, answer, guide, and love me. Most important is His love for me. I am waiting still in the midst of it all. Lately, my gut feelings are and seem to come to fruition. When a man is a part of your life for maybe a month or so, things tend to unravel. Why can't honesty and truthfulness be where they are in life, especially with you. Instead of hiding it all. I would be honest and tell them yes, if this is a one-year thing then that means I can continue to date whomever. Lately, I know this guy is a true asshole, just like he says, he doesn't care about me. He absolutely does not give two shits to the wind for me. I understand that, and I can deal with that. I did like his charm and his kindness to me. I haven't had that in a very long time. Things change, but I am still waiting for God to reveal the hearts of men. I am always waiting on that particular area of a man. The heart. A man's heart is a complex thing to understand, the mind is also. But you know what is not complex? God's heart, is complete, no matter where you are right now in your life, He still loves you. Because He knows that sin is something that is difficult, especially in this horrible world we live in. I am not saying by any means that I am holier than thou. I am simply saying that I can't live without that knowing. 

It does make me excited to wait and see. I am in awe of Him answering my prayers and revealing things in a mighty way. It is incredible, so when I am in a relationship, He is my true guardian to the right one. He knows more than me, He knows that I know nothing and that no one has my back, other than Him. So living this life is actually not hard to live, yes you will have those moments where there are bumpy roads, but it tends to fade. The hardships of life fade away as the fresh morning sun shines into a brilliant light that has a fresh day to enjoy. That is exactly how life is. That is how we should live. It amazes me how that happens. I love it, I love that I have options, I am a single woman who has decisions to make on my own terms with God in it. I can never forget God. In this journey of being a single woman and dating, it does get easier to recognize and let go. I love that my life at my age has come to that. To be at the age of dealing with letting go of a guy and doing it eloquently. That is my prize. Being eloquent about life, and being humble in the process without being angry or spiteful to the man. Instead, love him as he leaves after letting him go. I guess the picture that I'm painting is me having a life that will last till the end of the week. So, it is like the thing that I stated as loving them as they go from me. That meant I had my time with him, then I moved on. I loved them before the death of a week. 

This concept is kind of hard to understand because, in a woman's life, the chemistry that we have is tender. Women have feelings that extend for thousands of miles. It is crazy to fathom, but it is true. I have feelings, but I have to tame them. My daddy has always told me to not go by feelings, but go by knowing. Be knowledgeable in life, the only time we should feel is when we are physically hurt with tormentil pain. This has been embedded into my brain, it has taken this long to be knowledgeable in exactly what that means. I have come to the conclusion now that taming my feelings is of the utmost importance in my life. Feelings are the culprit in not living the best life possible. I am not a psychologist, but I am a woman who has lived through plenty of bullshit to sniff out the ones that don't smell like roses. In time, we all learn, and everything always comes to fruition. That is my take on my journey as a fifty-year-old woman, let's live life eloquently and not forget God in it because He is the only one Who actually has your back.