Dear Sweetheart

Dear Asshole, 

This is a letter to the man who changed my life. Before I met you, my life was normal: living the mom life and dating random guys. I searched many guys to find you, at least that is what it feels like. I know you hate soppy-feely shit, that is what I love about you. I remember the first time I met you, I admit that I replay it in my head many times a day. I think to myself of the "What if's", for example, what if I never responded to the Tinder match? I've mentioned to you before that I do not subscribe and pay monthly dues to dating apps like most people do. Of course, you do... ANYWAYS! Back to my story, oh yes, I was reflecting on the "What ifs ", just to paint a picture of what my time looked like when I was on Tinder. I suppose many out there do the same thing; lay in bed, sit on their couch, and just scroll. That was me, I am scrolling through Tinder and I come across your profile, at this point I am just looking for a man to have a casual encounter with and maybe never see him again. OR, I might be lucky to have a friend with benefits. That was my usual goal, so, I saw your profile and I am looking at your profile, just examining how much I might like being close to you. Maybe it might be a good match, I tell myself, "Oh hell, why not, I am going to just see if we match," Low and behold... we have a match! The celebration on the app tells me that you are interested in me too! Cause, if the app celebrates victory, then it means you're interested. Anywho, I think I will send a message, and this is my usual message, "Hello, how are you?" Then all of a sudden there is a response! So fast, I thought, then we message each other. On my end, I start out kinda bored, but, then you start to appear very interesting. You were so interested in who I was, asking me questions about my tribe and just being all fascinated about me. Then it switched up, because, during our messages back and forth, you asked me, "What are you looking for on this site." I think that is what you asked? I admit I am not 100% sure, I responded with no holding back, "To be honest, I am looking for sex, I just want to have sex." I was pretty blunt about it, thinking that this was going to be a casual encounter and I wouldn't see this man again! In my mind men here on this app, they're all the same... They're on here to find a good lay and that's it. No love, no relationship, no feely shitty romantic time, just use the bitch and go on with life to find another bitch. I was there too, I wanted to be a few steps ahead.

So, the response was good on your end, I really can't recall if you were surprised, or thankful that you found someone to play with? I read on your profile that you were traveling through, in my mind I thought this was going to be a very quick encounter, however, to my surprise, it was not going to be quick. You wasted no time in wanting to meet me, I admit, I was up to it. I think we messaged for 2-3 days. In those times I had no idea that you received notifications of where I was actually from, I laugh at this because on my profile it said I lived in Loma when I really lived somewhere else (I never indicate where I actually live). Tinder notifications of location snitched me out. I am smiling while I'm typing this to you. So, we agreed to meet on a Tuesday evening after you get off work. I agreed to the meeting, and you asked me where I wanted to meet, not thinking of where you actually were staying. I stated, "Hey, let's meet at Starbucks on North Ave?" You were like, "Where?" I was thinking, This guy... So I explained the location of Starbucks on North Ave. You told me about what time you were going to be there, as I recall it was at 7:30 pm because you let me know that you get home at 6:30 or so to take care of your dog. I thought to myself, I am going to be there at 7:25 pm, maybe earlier. When I got there, I was waiting for you, I sat in my vehicle and messaged you that I was at Starbucks. By the way, just so you know, I had it in my mind that if the guy I was seeing before you were to message me that evening, I was going to cancel. I know that's shitty, but that was who I was, I didn't want to be played, I wanted to be two steps ahead to play the guy (Because I believed all men were players). There were men who I've met that did that to me, I don't like that. So, not knowing entirely who you were, I had my guard up.

I waited and messaged you, I actually thought you were sitting inside the shop. A guy was sitting in the corner with his laptop and he looked like you, he smiled at me. I thought, NA! That ain't him. Then you messaged me, "I don't think I am at the right place?" Of course, dumb me thought you knew where places were in Grand Junction! Uh... Diana, hello, this man is from Texas and he doesn't know this place. So, I remembered directing you to where I was. I let you know that I was inside sitting, and then you arrived. I was relieved you made it to where I was. I remember the first time I saw you, you were tall and very construction-like, and I was mesmerized by who you were. In my mind, all I thought of was I hope I don't look bad. I didn't want you to be disappointed in my features, my skin tone, and the size of my body. Mostly, my body was a concern. But, you came to me and gave me a hug. I have never met a man who just comes up to a woman and gives a warm hug. Maybe, it was at that moment when I felt a bit of a home in you. You led the way to the counter to buy me coffee, and we decided to sit outside. I remember the spot where we sat, that night there was a baseball game going on across the street at Stoker Stadium. I listened to your voice, I looked into your eyes, then I realized you were a smoker. But, it didn't bother me, I don't know why? It just didn't bother me. You made me laugh, I saw your smile, and it was a wonderful evening, we stayed talking outside of Starbucks till they closed. I remembered you touched my hand, and then you touched my leg. You were so warm, when you and I walked toward our vehicles, you held my hand while we were walking, then you asked me, or I let you know it was okay to kiss me. You were so thankful, I remembered the first time I kissed you. My body was so happy, I loved the way you kissed, you are a really good kisser. We held onto each other in the parking lot, you wouldn't let go of me. We got a bit spicy outside near your truck, you teased me and made me laugh. I looked at you in awe, like I was in trouble. I am not sure, but I believe I fell in love with you that night. I was kind of scared, but I told myself, this is just a short-term deal and we will cut it short and he'll be gone. 

After that night, we saw each other week after week, night after night, then you'd go home to Texas to do family things, then return back to Colorado. We really got to know each other, you know I am a different woman who leaves men alone and doesn't chase them. I live my life and you live yours, you know that I get jealous, and I know you hate liars. The only thing that I lied to you about, was the times I told you that when you leave, I wasn't going to miss you. That was a lie. Because I miss you every day sweetheart. I hope, if you ever read this, you know that you are the only man in my life who loved me, and I know you loved me. Do not try to deny it, you did love me, as I loved you deeply. You have brought out of me the woman I thought I wasn't, but you believed in me, it means a lot when a man believes in a woman. In my wildest dreams, you were just something I never deserved. Thank you so much for being a part of my life, even though you are an asshole. I love you and always will. Just remember, when you leave, I am not going to be your friend. But that might change, who knows, it hurts too much to think about. Bye, baby.  

Last Night I Couldn't Sleep

Tonight I am awake and I cannot sleep, maybe it's because I had some coffee early in the evening. Last night I spent some quality time with my boyfriend, let's just say he is my boyfriend. I haven't written an entry on my blog lately, there have been some changes in my life. I have a new job and the process of trying to go back to school to get my doctorate degree. Then there is my boyfriend who I am still seeing and enjoying every minute of my time with him. The days go by quick and soon he will be gone. As fast as he appeared in my life, he would leave very quickly from my life. It is late and I am awake and can't sleep, thoughts of him are in my head. I am already weeping for him, and he hasn't left yet. I feel helpless and don't know what to do, I dread the fact that he is not going to be around anymore, I won't drive to his place anymore to hang out and make love to him. 

This blog entry will not make sense, I need to figure out what to write? I am not sure how to put things in words to state what my feelings are for him. The thing is that I didn't want to feel this way for him, it just happened. You know when you haven't had anyone in a long time and you just go through dates like it's a routine? But then you meet someone, and then it feels like home? Texas feels like home, I cannot deny it, you know what I wish? I wish Texas would love me back, in some ways I feel his love for me. Then again, I think it's nothing, I was not the same the first time I met Texas. I have found myself in so many ways, and that is exactly what he did for me. I fell in love again, but it's not like the love I experienced in past relationships, it's a different fall-in-love thing. Last night I really fell in love with him, when I look at him it's like looking at his soul. If having a soulmate is like the way I feel about him, then I don't want it to end. Sometimes, I wish life was fair, I wish it was kinda easy, and kinda compassionate. I would like to have Texas be my soulmate, to be my life, yeah it would be nice to have that kind of true love. 

I know this entry is dumb and it is crazy, but so is my heart. I am definitely not cut out to be this way, not to love, not to live as though I did have a soulmate. Do you know what the sad part is? That Texas will be a memory, like a wave in the ocean, the togetherness we have now, won't matter anymore. The way that I am feeling will eventually fade away, it will be a dream I had, and there won't be any pictures of us to say we once were. Texas is just an idea, the idea that living in the moment is what matters now. All this, the thoughts and the dread of not having Texas anymore won't exist and I will be myself again. Life goes on and dreams are lived and then forgotten. I love you Texas, you are in my memories. 

Fear Is The Substance Of Regret

So lately, it has been a busy time in my life. I am still seeing my Texas man, he is still here and he is busy these days. I miss not seeing him at times, in the beginning, it was supposed to be a thing, an arrangement of some sort. You know, sometimes when friends with benefits turn into something else? Well, it would seem that this thing that I thought was going to be not so serious in my mind, now in my mind is serious. In my heart, it seems to want to stay with him only. However, it is not that way at all, he is someone I have always avoided in my life, someone to explore with, someone who does things that only the brave experienced women do. Oh, but there is something he sparked in me. 

In the last months or so, this man has gotten me so enthralled into a web of desire. I am not sure if it's the sober being of who he is, or if it's something else. I have always wondered about our souls, what is it that makes soulmates, soulmates? I often wonder about us. Let me describe what kind of man he is, this man has a beard, and I have always loved beards on men. I just love the way it feels on my lips and on me. That is just my preference, I suppose I had a bit of a crush on Grizzly Adams when I was a little girl. So my Texas has a sexy beard, and his eyes are so intriguing. Maybe it's eyes that persuade me so much that I just want to do what he wants me to do. Okay, let me tell you about me, I love the direction in a man. I love the way the man takes charge in all situations, whether it be in life or in the bedroom. I love it when a man plans dates, tells me what to do, and gives me rules. It turns me on, there is something about a man like this, a sober man, who is just as sexy as all hell. I love submission, the thing about him is that when I first met him, he was not that way off the bat. It was subtle and keen, he was like a warrior in the bushes waiting it out to see how he could catch me. Oh yes, Texas has tattoos on his body that define who he is, and yes, he is so protective of me. Oh-My-LORD... I love his protection, he is so comforting and so strong with no fear to protect. He's furious and like a man to sweep me away from all the stress of my days. 

As a single parent, I do not like to plan, I had to take charge of everything in my life, figure things out, and possess stress that I dreaded. A man like Texas, it's a relief to my life not to worry about things, when we are together, we have our lovemaking and fun. Then afterward it's spending time to talk and get things out of our heads. We lay around and listen to music, watch YouTube music videos, and discuss. We mainly discuss silly things, like what the YouTube music video is actually about, and at times it can be sad and we cry a bit with each other. Mostly, he likes to make me cry with music videos. Our times of solitude may seem so silly and boring to most people, but we are such hermits that it fits. I don't like going out much, and he doesn't either, we like to stay in and relax with his dog and cat together in his trailer. The one thing that he got me into is wrestling, I love to watch wrestling with him, the Wrestling Mania drama that ensues on TV. The good guy and the bad guy, I love it, I love being close to him and feeling protected. 

It is weird though since I met him, we have been through a lot already. At least this is what I see on my part. In the beginning, things were smooth going, but then I was fired from my job, I was afraid to tell him about it, thinking that he was going to dump me and continue with his life with fun elsewhere. Then my van broke down at his trailer, and I had to get it moved by a towing company. My van stayed at his place for a good two days or so... mind you, we were not wanting to be called a couple at all. I did not want his buddies to think he was serious and make fun of him. Certain things have to take time to get to that point. After that, there was an accident that I had in October when I fell off my porch and dislocated my shoulder, then! I had to get surgery in December. At the beginning of the year, he really had to know me, I got jealous and we didn't speak to each other or see each other for at least two weeks or so. It seemed forever. He did not like that I got jealous and I chose not to text or bother him at all. I was going to continue life alone and without his company, it was a hard pill to swallow, because I missed him so much. But, out of the blue he texted me, and I was relieved that he didn't forget me. Then, after so many other things happening in such a short amount of time, we are still seeing each other, and I love the Snaps he sends me at night and in the morning. When he is gone I feel like a part of me is gone. Is that what it feels like? In the past months of me going through what seems like a lot, I would have thought the guy would get tired of me. It didn't happen that way, he stayed around and didn't leave me. It's impressive to me that there is that one man out of a million, maybe a billion of them that is who this guy is. Never have I ever met such a man like him, one who actually likes me, no matter what happens. 

There is this thing in my life where I wish I could tell him how much I really love him. I wish I could say the words of love that I want to tell him. To let him know that I'd give you my liver, my kidney, my heart if you needed it. Like my children, I'd die for him. It's weird to include him in with my children... My children mean the world to me, and Texas knows it too. He thinks I am a good loving mother. I love that he even includes them in our dinner dates. He wants to know how the doctor's meeting went with my daughter when she was sick. It's important to have a man to be concerned with me, to have the heart to want to know that my kids are well. I love Texas, I just wish I was not afraid to tell him how I feel. I guess I just don't want to feel stupid to tell him. It's a big deal to say those words, just like saying he is my boyfriend. That is hard to state because I am afraid to state it. However, I do state it behind his back, only because I like hearing myself say it. Fear is the substance of regret... The reality of knowing this is remarkable. Just like a doctor who reports what is on an X-ray, CT scan, or blood test. If there is a concern or an indication that is bad news they often describe it as "Remarkable."

There Is Bliss...

I am not sure how things come together to be perfect, one way or another. Sometimes the past can surprise you and it is so nice. I love the feeling of emptiness, and then the inducing presence of an old flame to fill that emptiness. One minute you're sad the next absolute bliss and satisfaction. Life can be complicated but it can also be fun. To be clear, my life is not centered on one man, I hope one day it will be, I always hope that the man who finds me so attractive does anything to want to be with me. I love the patience of a man who waits to see me, even when I have someone else in my life. It says a lot about a man, last night was all about me. This is exactly what he told me, I love that he stated that "it was all about me." We hadn't seen each other for a long time, well, it seemed like forever, since last summer. Last night we caught up in conversations about what was going on in our lives since the last time we were together. I enjoy times when a woman and a man can lay with each other and catch up. He never let go of my hand, he opened the door to my vehicle for me, he let me lay in his arms in his bed and held me tight. I have yearned for that kind of bliss. We don't see each other all the time, we are always busy working, so I suppose waiting is something I have to get used to. It's ironic that when one door closes, another door opens. I really needed him to hold me during the night, it's something my mind and my soul needed. 

I think the last time I was held in such a manner was my ex-husband, I loved being held in bed and kissing each other. It's the most romantic thing ever, to embrace and feel the warmth of lovely compassion. I don't know about other women, but it helps heal something inside, it heals a part of you that seems unbearable. The unbearable feeling is so familiar, the feeling is not fun to feel, then sometimes it can be good after having someone make it bearable and not that bad anymore. Being me is not a usual woman, I can handle almost a lot. However, there is the thing that some women have been through more trauma than I have. All I can share this morning is I am slowly getting there, and I have a friend who waits in the midst of me, patiently he waits for me, and that is a man who I really appreciate. 

When It Have Tough Days

At my age now going to be a year older soon, the things that used to be, are now what it is. Does that make sense? You can't change a thing in life that occurs, you have to let it be. There have been so many times when I didn't let it go, at the time I was an alcoholic, so my substance abuse didn't help. It made me stupid and not think soberly. Growing up is the most challenging thing in a person's life, you would think an adult would be smart enough to know that. If you take a moment to think about it, we are all children and immature in living. I am guilty of looking at people and thinking they need to grow up when in all reality I NEED TO GROW UP. Having to sit back and realize that you're the one immature judging people, also it isn't our place to judge. My son always tells me that, when I complain of Taylor Swift or Nancy Pelosi... I am smiling typing this. He lets me know by rebuking me and letting me know it's dangerous to try to sit on the throne that isn't intended for you. I love my son, but he makes me feel like a total ass, however, I really appreciate my boy. Even though he is 20 years old he is so wise and knowledgable at his young age. I pray for my son's wife, I pray for her to be the partner that will complete him 100%. It's important to do as a parent. I do the same for my daughter, I pray for her husband, my son-in-law to be a God-fearing man, a man after God's own heart, I want him to be that way so he can take care of my daughter and my grandkids. I don't want my children to be like me, alone without a life partner. I want them to have what I have always wanted. I was blessed with a marriage, but it didn't work out, however, I am thankful because I wouldn't have had my son or my daughter. 

There are a lot of lessons along the way of life, it is not easy to confess your sins, it's not easy to take the blame, and it isn't even easy to make choices to quit in life. I can tell you something about me, I am not a fighter for anyone, Meaning, men, I don't fight for men, instead I pray for them. It's a way to get through the ones left behind. It makes my life so much easier to pray for them. I pray a lot, I need to do this because the Bible tells me so. I try to read the Bible too, it helps in life to read the Book, do you remember the movie, Lonesome Dove? Gus, I love Gus, he is such a beautiful soul, and he makes my heart pitter-patter. Anyway, he is sitting by the campfire and just reading his Bible early in the morning drinking his coffee out of a tin cup. When his good friend comes up to him all riled up and unhappy, mocks him for sitting around. That Woodrow Crow is an old grumpy crow. But Gus, he's the man, has hardly any worries and he lives life like it was meant for him to live. If you haven't watched Lonesome Dove I suggest you set aside some hours and watch it, it's a good movie, or listen to the audiobook if you can't sit long enough to watch it. It amazes me that there are people out there who cannot sit too long to watch a movie! Or even sit and enjoy the scenery and the mountain air while fishing. I need to have a settled-minded person in my life, otherwise I'd go nuts! Some day, I will get what I have always wanted, in the meantime, I have to work out things for myself that I realize I need to do.

For me, it is important to measure the kind of person I am. Even after the separation of someone in my life who was there just for a brief moment. The thing about me is that I learned something about myself, and mind you, I have always tried to master the feeling of jealousy, and that is NOT BE JEALOUS. It's been a trial for me to defeat, even when I was married I was a jealous cat, I hissed at the women looking at my man, and I got ugly with my husband when he was at the bar without me. That was 24 years ago too! Even before my guy was my husband. Men are different, they seem to not get jealous, and maybe it's because they just care about the woman they are with. The last man never was jealous, it made me feel defeated that he matured more than me. Because I was the older one! Only by 2 years... aside from age, I apologize, I tend to go off in my writing. Last night, I woke up at 1:00 am in the morning and I could not go back to sleep, I sat in my bed and prayed and prayed, then I lay in my bed thinking about writing in my blog. My thoughts were, "I want to get up and write, but it's almost 2:00 am, and I need to rest." I finally laid myself to sleep, then I woke up late for work!!!! My usual time to wake up is 4:00 am in the morning. I love waking up early to sit and have my coffee and ponder, pray, and like Gus read the Good Book. But today I did not, my day is going to be a good day no matter what, I will believe that. 

So I am sitting here in my living room, drinking my coffee, admiring my life, and being thankful for being me and waking up to another day. This is what life is all about, not about money or riches, or having the finest things in life, it's about being content with what you have. Being thankful every day that you get to be alive and breathe. Listen, life isn't easy, no one said it would be. Otherwise, life would be so boring that we'd be living like zombies. Have a great day, and be thankful for today.

Transparency Is Not Easy, Discovering The Norm

One of the things that I pride myself on is my genuine way of moving on. It isn't easy to move on, however, it is good to do just that. Sometimes for most, it is really difficult to do. I suppose that I need to take a break from dating apps till I really heal. I have the gifts that Texan gave me, yeah, I can be content for a while till I heal. I am smiling about the gifts that Texan gave me. I wish that my shoulder was totally healed, that way I could escape to a cold place and sleep in my van. Just to experience the cold cold mornings on my own, I know it sounds crazy, but healing does make some people do crazy things. The thing about this encounter, it was a very nice encounter. I was happy now and then, but most often I was a ticking time bomb. The thing about me is that I am an old-fashioned woman, trying to keep up with the times of accepting people and who they associate themselves with is hard for me.

Texan, let me know from the beginning that he had girlfriends from where he used to work, places in the east, and also his primary ex-girlfriend. I suppose our encounter should have been a one-time deal and then never knew or saw each other again. But, he kept messaging me, always messaged me all the time. I was enthralled by him, and yes I did fall deeply in love. One of the traits I have is to fall too fast with a man whom I see or engage with every day. As I am getting over the things in the last 5 months, which is not that long, I start to examine myself. Where did I go wrong in this thing? First of all, I blame him, and me too, for showing me pictures of his ex-girlfriend's profile and all her pictures with him in it. Do you know how that makes me feel as an older woman? Like shit, and she is so successful in her career, high class. It was like he held her on a pedestal. Telling me they text each other EVERY DAY. That didn't help my brain. More than that, all the women he met along the way too! Texan proceeds to tell me about the women he was with moving from one location to another with his job! I tell ya, TICKING TIME BOMB. I should have let him know, but I was trying to be the cool woman, you know the one that doesn't give a shit about him. But I did. 

I am not a perfect woman by any means, I am human and yes there are issues that I am still dealing with. It sucks, sometimes fixing yourself really sucks. I hate that I get jealous, I hate that I have feelings, and I hate that I fall too hard for someone. At times I hate being me. I think it's normal for people to have these thoughts and feelings. In every person's life, there is something that they have to deal with and go through. In individual's lives, they haven't yet forgiven those who did them wrong. They carry baggage with them, it was that person who did me wrong or this and that happened, and I hate them. I know what I need to do, I have to forgive the terrible man who treated me like trash. It wasn't my ex-husband, I forgave him, it wasn't my daughter's dad, I forgave him. It was a particular man in my life whom I dated for a time, the most awful guy I ever met in my life. I wished I had never met him, I always tell people, that if I had to turn back time and do it all over again, I would delete that part out of my life. I know, typical woman issues, yes probably, but there are men out there who have the same kind of wish too. I often wonder, what was the purpose of my meeting this particular heartless, selfish kind of man? All I know is that I know that I have to forgive this guy. It is the hardest thing for me to do. 

As the days go on, and I am trying to unveil things in my life, I hope for the best. I pray for blessings on all persons whom I met in my life except that one guy, I just made myself smile and laugh. Just kidding, I do, I pray and hope for the best. We all have our foundation that we were set upon, it's actually cool to realize that we were built on a foundation. We can have it built strong or, we can build it and use sticks to watch it crumble to the ground. All I know is that life is something we have to live and appreciate the aspects and endure with great thankfulness that we are all here. Like children in preschool, we have to forgive and carry on. If we don't we will not see easy paths to continue on. Just like the Beauty Way and the Hozho Way, we all have to be on the path of positivity, if we are living negatively then our path will lead us to destruction. Just like keeping our eyes on the prize of Jesus Christ. I am better just being here on this blog that helps me get through things in my life. 

Just this morning I was in a crying session, I don't know, sometimes it happens. But I was very sad, it was like my heart broke into a million pieces. I just sat in my living room holding a paper towel to my face and wept. I prayed to God to help me, comfort me Jesus, my heart still hurts, but it's good. While I sat on my couch praying and crying to the Lord, I asked him to hold me, hold me, and comfort me. The one thing that came into my mind was the simple verse, "Be still and know that I am God". At that moment my tears were dried. How wonderful it is that when you are broken or going through stuff, He lets you know something so simple. I wanted to share that, just know that He is not too far away from you and He understands. I know God and His voice, it is so sweet to hear, He is a gentle kind, loving God.

Well, I suppose I have ranted my rant and there will be another day of me ranting on and on about living in my fifties. Enjoy your Martin Luther King Jr. weekend.

Change is Good, It's Essential, But Good

What can I say about changes? Changes occur all the time in people's lives, I think it's a way to maximize the heart and the mind. It's never easy to not have someone in your life anymore. It's like a withdrawal state, every addiction to something or someone has a withdrawal period. Substance abuse has a period of withdrawal; through getting sick with vomit and severe headaches. Sugar is also an addiction for those who make a commitment to quit the substance out of their daily intake. It can produce severe headaches and nausea. Lastly, it can happen with people, it's those who you love so much that when it's gone, it's gone forever. Individuals go through a period of heartbreak, sometimes it includes not eating and just drinking water because at times it's the only thing that can help the stomach from vomiting. Individuals can through a period of crying and/or tearing up in the middle of the day or driving to work. It's the crying part that we live with to get through the withdrawal state. The withdrawal from no messages in the morning or night to begin and end your day, the messages of "I'm home now" or "let's hang out and have dinner" those messages are withdrawal states of getting over an addiction of someone. The love of substances and the addiction go hand in hand I think. When I quit drinking and the sugars I went through headaches and some nausea, it's not a good feeling. You don't think that it was a part of your life until it's out of your system. But in time, your mind, body, and soul get used to the fact that you can live without it and not miss it anymore. 

The last few days are the building blocks of getting back to myself as I was before anyone entered my life. My children are so sweet to listen to me while I cry and get over it. They understand and they are such good kids that they know it takes time for mom to get over such a thing. For me, I should be better in the next month or so, if not then I'll have to deal with this thing to continue the trek of making my whole being whole again. Then guess what? I am giong to try again. That's what it's all about, trying again, making sure that hope is going to come to fruition. You never can give up on hope, it's essential to a happy life, and we all deserve happiness. I don't hate people, I just think they're stupid, I smile as I type those words. I think I'm stupid too! However, it's okay, it'll be good. I am looking forward to mountains in the summer and camping, I am going to fix my fishing reel to a fresh line to fish with and make sure my camping supplies are all ready to use. Thank God I have a van that I can run away with and escape from my mind and my heart. It's the one thing that God blessed me with, relief from life and then to enjoy his nature and comforts. 

I have good thoughts to take with me, and good warm memories to cherish and take with me. It was a fun time to be with someone who was a good guy. I just hope and pray blessings on their lives to be greatly blessed, more blessed than mine. It was a good period in my life to have a short-term relationship, I appreciate it, and I learned from it. However, to understand why I am the way that I am, it's that one thing that made me double-minded and uncertain. I know in the past I have had some tough times being this way, I always wondered why I should be thankful for all the things I went through with men? Some of them were dishonest with me and treated me like shit. That is one memory I am dealing with, the thought of forgiving this one indecent man in my life that has given me a thorn in my side that I seem to keep. At times this particular man in my life from long ago, I can't bring myself to forgive. He's old now, he never liked me or my kids and treated us like trash. It hurts to think about it, but I need to forgive that rotten bastard of a man. It's tough to have to realize that, but it is essential to a peaceful living and being free from the past. I suppose that is the garbage I carry and it left me uncertain of good men in my life, it leaves me not to trust good men because I haven't dealt with the past of a rotten man. I need to, that way in the next relationship I won't be such a crazy, double-minded woman.