What an Eye Opening Notion... Sobriety

To make things clear, there are no wrong or right ways of living, except to try to do good. Also, try to do good to people you know. However, some people are not that way, they don't want to be good to others and they lack the treatment of seeing them as the valuable humans that God created. I suppose it's hard to treat people with value, it's different when it comes to being kind to others. However, it is ten times harder to fathom the notion of treating others with respect when you've been drinking and smelling like a brewery. Feelings of this and that and forming some kind of illusion for yourself by using someone else does not always work. I really hate being used by people whom I consider a friend. It's very disappointing to be treated unfairly. It doesn't make any sense to do that to people. I mean, I am not the ultimate flavor of the town by any means at all. There is nothing great about me, except that I have feelings that should get me in tons of trouble. I catch myself though, then realize "Oops" reframe yourself, woman! 

Some time ago, this fellow I knew seemed to scheme in a lot of things, this one time he had persuaded me to meet him and talk and just have conversations. I roll my eyes at what I just stated... This man is such a man who also drinks, and I ask myself why is this man not with another woman like I told him to. So the chit-chat turns into him drinking and returning text messages on his phone, my thoughts were that he was texting his boss or coworkers to get a lineup of work the next day. Nope... He shows me the text. I look at it like, "What the fuck? Are you trying to make a woman jealous by coercing me to be here?" His eyes were starting to gleam glassy like the beginnings of drunk goggles. I immediately picked up my purse and keys along with my phone and proceeded to walk out. I yelled at him, "Fuck you and your friend! You trying to play me?" I left, thinking that the woman was going to be arriving soon. I don't like to be staged in a trap. It was a lesson well learned. I was never to be persuaded to just hang out and enjoy the company of a drinker. You see the mind of a person who drinks does not know what he/she does. Initially, it is all about themselves. As I drove off into the dusk of the evening, I literally beat myself in the head to state many unkind words said to myself.

Nothing is far from the truth of a person who doesn't act humble or kind as one who becomes selfish and neglects others in the process. Alcohol does not help a person just get out of their shell. Yeah, they are funny and they can be silly. However, there are consequences to consuming an over-abundant amount of alcohol. Please note, that in my experience as a former alcoholic, I was not a good drunk. At times I was enjoying life drinking, and then the blackout sessions would proceed, I have no idea why I am not dead from blacking out or in prison. I should have had plenty of DUIs but I did not get one, I think God protected me along the way. Alcohol is not kind to people, there is a lie that is attached to the beauty of what alcohol can offer. Such as taking away the pain. Whether it is the pain of a broken heart, pain that is chronic pain, due to the limited amount of pain pills distributed to you. Mainly the broken heart, the ruining of a relationship usually the culprit to substance use tends to make it all better. Initially, it is just a band-aid that is a short-term cover. This can be of any relationship that was ruined or taken away. Mine was influenced by a broken heart and the loss of an important person in my life. But, it isn't that easy to quit the abuse of alcohol. The mind is where it starts. 

In my mind I was driven toward my children, I remember the first time I realized it. I was in bed early in the morning and my kids were still up at 1:00 am along with me. I was having my last drink of my wine... I think that night I had at least two bottles of wine. Then I had to work in the morning at 6:30 am, I was not looking forward to the day of working. However, there was a glimpse of my children as they went in and out of the bathroom. My door was open, and I could hear them laughing and talking. I lay there with the hallway light illuminating my face. I put down the glass of wine and just held my pillow, I was miserable. I saw my babies and remembered who they were. I looked at myself and thought, I need to stop this. It was the image of my kids, the sounds of their voices that hit me hard in my heart. I didn't like the way I felt when I got up in the morning, my head hurt, my body hurt, I was glassy eyed and I'm sure I reeked of the smell too. 

I headed to work, still drunk, still trying to sober up so I could get through the workday. Sometime during the morning, I was talking to my boss, It was the time of COVID and there was no school, the kids were home, but the custodian staff were able to work a bit to ensure the safety of the classrooms. I sat there cleaning the chairs with sanitation cleaner and I just poured my heart out to my boss. I let her know that I was still drunk, I let her know that I need to sober up and I wanted to quit this shit. I cried and she held me, she let me know that everything was going to be okay. She told me we needed to go to her office, I went with her, and she gave me a drink of juice from the jar of green olives stuffed with garlic. It had plenty of brine in it that helped in the process of sobering me up. She didn't want me to get in trouble, so she was trying to help me in any way that she could, then she sat me down and told me that I had a decision to make. The decision to either get sober and stay sober or continue to do what I am doing. In my mind, I needed to become sober, I wanted that. So after a little bit, she sent me home and let me know that I could go home sick. So I left home and slept. Then when I woke up I went to my kitchen opened the refrigerator took out the bottles of wine and Jim Beam whisky and dumped them down the sink. My son stood beside me and watched me in horror, that was funny because he kept asking me what I was doing. All I said to him was that I was through with this shit, I'm done. On that day of May 4, 2020, I started my journey of sobriety. It was a tough road to deal with, I experienced depression and body aches at times and the anxiety that comes with withdrawals. Even my daughter experienced the withdrawal of me not drinking anymore. She was confused and lost because I wasn't starting a fight with her, I wasn't getting angry at her. It was like she wanted me to become angry at her, it was a pattern of ours, we fought all the time. The day that I quit drinking alcohol was also the day I quit getting angry with my baby girl. I started to tell my kids I love them, every day, every moment I was telling them I loved them. I continue by stating "I love yous" to my kids.

Today, I am 3 years, 4 months, 2 days, 19 hours and 7 minutes sober... I have an app that helps me know this. My day journey started on May 4, 2020, and I want to continue on this path of staying sober. It was one of the hardest decisions to make, I started to back off from friends who drink and party. There are times I do admit that I want to buy a bottle of wine, or a cold beer with lime, or a margarita on the rocks with salt. But, I let myself know that if I start, I may not quit and I will probably lose everything. I don't want to lose everything, I don't want to lose myself either. I want to be healthy and happy. I do pray for the guy that I used to know, I hope he finds sobriety and becomes happy again. That is what I want for you too if you struggle with substance abuse. 

My New Unexpected Hobby

Over the weekend, I went van camping by myself and tried my hand at fly fishing. What a wonderful sport! I was thinking to myself, why in the world hadn't I done this years ago? One of the things that I am doing now is finding things to fill my time with. As a new hobby, I have my knitting, but I want something that entails something healthy and fun, something that entails a mindful and relaxing sport. I mean this past weekend really wasn't about catching the biggest fish, although it was on my mind to possibly catch a trout. I wasn't that lucky, however, I enjoyed the whole process, and the whole pushover on fly fishing. You know, I have a favorite author that I love, it's Ernest Hemmingway, I think it's the reason in the past I loved drinking alcohol is because of him. I know it's crazy, but he was a rebellious nature, so smart and intelligent too. He attracted me to the mental issues of being a human being with so much going on in his brain that the only way to release is to write. I have always wanted to be a writer, however, I didn't have the skill to be one, so I think writing an entry into a blog kind of helps in the dream I have. Fly fishing was his pastime and also drinking whisky, the finest whisky, and smoking the finest cigars, he was a very admirable man. He was a passionate man in fishing and was a romantic in the ladies, he wrote about women as if he loved every one of them. It seemed he didn't take them for granted. I was always attracted to men like Ernest Hemmingway, some may have not been avid fishermen, but they were rebellious. 

In this new hobby of mine, I know there is a long road in front of me, I need to know the mind of the fish. Where do they swim, how do they maneuver in the river, do they keep in one area for a long time, or do they just keep swimming downstream? So many questions I have and what are the specifics of becoming a fly fisherwoman. I follow many young women on Instagram who have mastered this sport and they are amazing young ladies who fish. They catch the largest fish in the waters and it is very cool. The technique of this sport also interests me, I think trying this and just doing it is something to be said. At my age, there are things in life where in my younger days I thought of trying but never went through the process of actually doing it. However, since I turned 50 years old, it seems as though my mind and body want to do all the things I have always wanted to do and try. I want to paddle board, and I want to hike to an area where I can camp and fish. All these awesome things young ones are doing now, and I am late in my game, but who isn't. I already ran 1/2 marathons and it was the last time I did that, I still want to run some 10k races and maybe one more of the 1/2 marathons. I just have to be consistent, keep a record, a goal at the prize, or the accomplishment I want. 

Our minds are so interesting and so full of ideas, that often we tend to put them on the back burner. Why is it so hard to keep consistent? I have no idea... However, there has to be something that can kind of cure us of that. This morning when I woke up from my slumber I happened to see the WhatsApp messages. In it, there was a notification from the creator. I watched the suggested video for the use of the app. They came up with the idea of creating videos or voice messages to yourself. It's a way to remind yourself of notes, of things to do, and for grocery lists. I thought it was interesting, so I created a voice message to myself to remind myself of what I needed to do today. The only problem is actually noticing the message you sent to yourself to actually see what needs to be done on a day. If it isn't one thing it's another, a reminder for yourself to actually look at the reminder you made for yourself. That is very humorous. Time is the key, the willingness within the brain to forcefully be reminded and stick with it. I suppose it's no different than creating a consistent regimen to go to the gym and do your workouts every day.

Thus, this goes back to wanting to learn something like fly fishing and just be consistent to learn, but I think this sport does get addicting. I didn't think it would, so being consistent really does not pertain to learning this sport. Because, I actually really enjoy being outside and being in the water, wadeing and casting in the evenings of the sunsets. It makes me happy.

Dang It, I thought it was a Game

Whenever you think dating is just as regular thing, the shit hits the fan. So the guy whom I'm dating took me out to dinner one night, we ate a Mexican restaurant in my little town. While looking at the menu, I mentioned that my daughter told me, "That's not right..." because I was gonna eat with my date. Then my date from Texas told me to order what she wants. I looked at him like... What? I was very surprised that he wanted to buy my daughter food. Of course he looked at me confused, then he said, "Well, girl gotta eat... Right?" I was just amazed that he did what he did. He got me, one of the things I didn't think could get me, got me. However, I am convinced that I am not going to allow myself to think that I am going to feel anything for him. I mean it's nice to have emotional feelings. But, at the same time it can be troubling, especially when he is going to leave in a year and off he goes. 

How do women deal with such a short term kind of thing? I have no idea, my last guy who years ago was in construction and from Texas, asked me to go with him. I took what I could and left with him, we struggled on our journey, with drinking and drugs and then some. However, we ended up going our own ways which was not fun at all. Even though it was not what I expected and it was the toughest time in my life to deal with, however, I am glad I left Moab when I did. Now, that it’s behind me, and been tough to carry on with life, but I did it the best I knew how to do it. Certain things such as the hurt that I experienced from the last marriage. Did I want it to hinder my life by getting into another relationship that would cause more damage? I think not, besides I have my kids. However, along the way I tried, I tried to be in a relationship, but it didn’t work out. The last one was a joke, it wasn’t even a relationship, I thought it was, but he didn’t think so. One of the worst mistakes of my life, but it was one of the most valuable lessons to learn from. Take for instance the last man I dated, well, tried to get into a consistent thing, not even that was going to happen. I roll my eyes at that one, this was not even anything but a realization that this guy was the younger version of my worst mistake. As I drive to a fishing spot I realized this. 

Driving really helps in discovering what is going on in life. I ponder at the notion, and I ponder a lot, that certain outcomes in my life is just plain nonsense. Such as the notion to the soul tie that I had with the last guy I dated a month or so ago. Even while dating this, or seeing this man, there were sparkles in my eyes for him. He was a drunk, a drinker of alcoholic beverages, and it would get out of hand. He told me because he was bored, I can understand that, because I get bored too, and that was one of my downfalls . It consumed me like a blazing fire. I could not get a grip on that one, I saw that in him. When he would drink he was loving, kind and full of affection. I ate it all up, my body loved the way he gave me attention, his eyes were the brink of “Whatever he wanted me to do, I would do it” kind of eyes. I knew I recognized those eyes from somewhere! Yes, it was from my worst mistake, he was exactly like him, and when I realized it, I immediately said, “No more” I am not going to go through that crap again. That is exactly what I did, I stood my ground and let him go. 

The next thing I thought of while driving was the notion that this man from Texas, he doesn’t treat me this way, he is genuine. Like he treats me like a human being, I am not anything but a human being. It is something that astonishes me. I really can’t get over being treated like this, it’s like accepting Jesus into your heart and realizing He is the living God. Except this Texan man isn’t Jesus. It’s a metaphor… okay. Anyway, this man is emotionally available, that is the difference! The emotionally availability part of a person is what the difference is. The soul tie? It means I am yearning for the availability of the person who is not returning the response, so waiting and texting him and calling him and making myself crazy is what happens. For me, I don’t call or do anything crazy like that. I just text, but he doesn’t return any of it and he may look at it, but he does not respond. He’s an asshole about it and probably rolls his eyes at it or at me. I am not sure how the Texan responds behind the glass of the phone, but at least he responds and he apologizes to me about returning my text messages later than usual. It’s the response of the Texan that is so sweet and very appreciative. I feel like a human being, like I matter, and that is a great feeling. 

Is He going to Text me? Will I See Him Again?

I know in time when I read this entry of a blog again, I will giggle and put my hand over my mouth while I think... "What the hell was wrong with ME?" Oh yes, it is this kind of life I am living and experiencing again. It's crazy that at my new age of fifty years old, I would have to live again through something that I thought was going to be a lesson. I suppose lessons never die, they just get interesting as you live through it again. It's almost like a game that I am supposed to refer back to when I was younger and had to figure out what to do. Life has interesting insights to admire, I've noticed at my age that the mental notes in my head do exist. I have a file cabinet of notes in my brain that have sections of experiences of life that in each file I pull out there are post-it notes stuck to it. Reminding me that next time do it this way, or scratch that this part or that part. Then there are the BOLD letters that state those words to refrain from doing this ever again!

Currently, at this time I am referring to those mental notes and just keeping my cool, even though sometimes I wanna lose it from time to time. I have mentioned a particular man in my life to whom I am not seeing, not sure if he will contact me again through text messages, but maybe. There was a common connection of attraction. Mine was intense toward him, I know that if I were in a relationship I would run to him all the time if he called or texted. It's sad really, it's sad that a person can have that kind of effect on another person! Something, that I could never understand that the human brain has no control over. But there is the free will of choice we were given. I know that is something that is true, we all possess that free will of choice. So right now I am drinking my coffee and listening to my concentration music while I am writing. The only thing that I am thinking is about this man. I think about his eyes, and his voice, and I can still taste the mixes of his mouth. They are usually Copenhagen and his natural salivating juices. Is that not just completely weird! I mean it was a week ago since I saw him? I am initially fucked, to put it bluntly.

However, I am using this crazy thing to learn from and how to get through this without hurting anyone else in the process, except myself. I mean it's okay that I hurt in this process because it's me, I created this web of nonsense that is reigning in my mind. I'd rather be hurt in the process because I think I have the ability to get over it. This current man that I am seeing has let me know that I agreed to see him when I knew the consequences. Yes, I agreed to it, but now in the process, I am grieving for the guy that I really want. So last night I was talking to this man whom I am currently seeing and the way he talks and converses is interesting to me. It's as if he likes that he can travel and meet women and see them for a little bit till he has to go to another job, then leave the woman behind. While I listened to him he told me that it was on me to get over it, Initially in my brain, it captured a game. A game on his end to proceed in life and enjoy the yearning of a woman who will cry and weep like a baby when he leaves. He's nice, but he's an asshole too, which he does admit, so I don't feel bad that he said it first. I mean I am too... anyway, it was not a very processing conversation for me. because I want to play the men's game too. I mean I am not modest, I never claimed to be the perfect sweet woman, I play the part though. I guess, I was a bit unhinged, a bit like okay, why not have something on the side while I am with you, Then when you leave it won't be that bad. Because that is the way my brain is thinking. I'm not impressed with money or possessions anyway, I am okay with never seeing another person again. Sometimes, when people talk to people it doesn't make any sense to a person who is lived through a lot of bullshit. Well, time to get ready for my day, I think the coffee hit the spot. I might take another moment to reflect again and write. 

Morning Coffee Thoughts

It's another day and this morning I was late waking up. But, I had my coffee and I think I am ready to go. While I was  preparing my morning coffee, I was thinking of the men that I wrote about last night. One of the things that came to my mind was the ages of the men I’m attracted to. It used to be that I was attracted to younger men in their twenties, and thirties. I think I've finally, sort of matured to date within the range of my age. Forty-year-old men have a lot to offer, they seem to be laid back, they know what they want, they have experience, and they seem to have a drive that is really sexy. Grant it, some can be annoying, but overall they’re fun, I have yet to experience someone my own age, as I laugh and smile at this statement. I received a morning text message from the guy I am dating now. When relationships seem to be an idea, and it seems to be something that would be for the other person, not me... I have to admit I love his morning text messages. I love that he texts me and calls me "sweetheart" and I text back and call him "baby". It has been a moment, but this is a wonderful intimacy. 

Knowing that this is temporary is good for me, I can understand that life goes on. I don't know if it's the sobriety that is making me have sense in life or if it's the age of myself. But I try not to take things so personally anymore. It used to be that it was exhausting, and very tasking to feel all the time and then get angry and then sad. I used to say, "Why can't I have a relationship with a real man?" I realized there is no such thing as a real man. A man in my mind was a fantasy of what I daydreamed about, there is no prince charming, or the perfect guy. I realized that men are human beings that have challenges as I do, they may handle it much better than me, but they are battling things I don't understand. When men don't message me back after I have messaged them, I tend to leave it silent and move on. I would like to keep my relationship with men after we meet. To keep it as long-lasting as possible, you never know, you might need them for something important. It's good to keep it kind of solid as possible. 

There are a lot of challenges in living in today's world, the one thing that gets me is the fact that men are losing their place in this world. However, I get really happy when I see a man stand up for themselves and know exactly what they want. I suppose being an asshole isn't so bad, it keeps the country strong, I love a humble and strong man. It makes a sexy guy that I would want to be with for the rest of my life. I suppose I have always been attracted to funny, strong, beautiful assholish men. I am smiling while I am typing this line. I am thinking of the last two men I was with, currently the one of the two I'm dating. But, it's so enlightening to know that there are men that exist with this kind of trait. 

If women totally understood men, it would be boring. Life would essentially be a boring space in the world. I don’t know much about men, I confess I do get frustrated with them, but I guess it is as it should be. I shouldn’t have to understand them, just love them as they are, and support them as much as possible. As you can see I love men, I really appreciate them a lot. Someday I hope that I can meet someone who is wonderful and makes me laugh and loves me till the end of time. It’s a dream of mine, and I am keeping it, and it will happen. 

The New Light In a Relationship

Sometimes there are encounters that seem would be something as a regular thing. In my brain, I have seen dating life as the kind of thing where meeting someone who is just a guy would last for a moment. Admittingly, I will tell you that I date just to be with men. Honestly, I date to feel the closeness of men close to me, skin-to-skin and kissable. Have I thought of a long-term thing? At times there were a few that made me think, maybe this time I could. Honestly, I didn't think it would be possible to have something like that. Especially, for myself, as I have stated my dating life consists of no long-term ideal situations such as a relationship. The short-term relationships that I have had have always been a secretive kind because I was always used to being the one kept in the dark. Always calling on me when they needed me, I am used to that. Never, had I had an encounter where I would be seen with someone and enjoy it!

Aside from the past men who kept me in their rooms as I knew it, it was the kind of life I was content with. It was going to be the norm in my life, due to the fact that I didn't think I could experience a public kind of engagement. I have had two of these men in my life who wanted to be seen with me in public, the other one who is not my kind of guy, I wished he was, only because I liked him and enjoyed him. I mentioned he is the difficult one whom I have called my soul tie. Unfortunately, he is, and has the little side activity of drinking alcohol from time to time, but is totally fun to be with. I think that is what makes it tough to try to forget him. To explain one of our escapades, there were crazy activities we would do. We have a game we would play while driving around town at night. He called it the stop-and-go game. Where I would stop at a stop light or stop sign and initially give him pleasure at the stop sign or light. Then he would let me know when it was time to go. We'd drive on the country roads to play this game in broad daylight and when night came we'd head to town to play stop-and-go. I have to admit, this was my favorite game. In other instances, he would persuade me to drive topless, his eyes made me do it. I don't know what it is about this guy, but he would say it and I would do it. But! I was careful not to do what made me feel uncomfortable, if it was not something I wanted he wouldn't push the issue anymore. Except this last time together and it was the last time, I was going to agree because his eyes and his voice were my downfall. We were supposed to do something together that involved another man. I thought it was something that I could do, something that I wanted. However, it was not. I chickened out of it and told him "no", that was the last time I was with him. 

Sometimes, when you encounter someone like this you think it's what you want, when in all actuality it is all about him. Do you know what the bad part of this is? It is that the guy could give two fucks about me. Right now, I am not even a thought in his brain or a feeling in his heart. It amazes me about human beings and granted, I am the same way, except when the guy has made a place into your soul it becomes hard to live. Yes, this man became my soul tie and it is difficult to kinda be with someone else, especially in the dating world. But good news! I am dating another man who is kind of breaking that cycle for me. The sad part of this is that he is only here for a while and then he goes back to Texas. This is where he is from and I met him on Tinder, great guy and so sweet with some sexy on top. I enjoy being with him, he is so funny and so adoring to me, he treats me like a queen. I have never met a man who treats me like a human being, I was not sure of him and how this was going to go down. The first week of meeting him was super fun, and I have to admit I am a live-on-the-edge kind of woman. We were together one night which was oblivious and very exciting and sexy. So, we ended up staying late out on Main Street, There were a few busy by-passers, but it was safe enough to make a quick steamy encounter in public. Have I ever done this before? I have had public encounters before. It can be exciting and very fun, my date had fun, to be clear he courted me for a week till we couldn't take it anymore. It was my most memorable moment with this nice guy. 

The dates continue and I am amazed at how comfortable I am with him. In the back of my mind, I know this is a temporary thing that we have, and then eventually he will go home and meet other women to date. Because he is in a job that keeps him busy with traveling from one place to another. I am preparing myself when the time comes, I have my heart intact at the moment, but I also know I am a free woman, I have opportunities to carry on. The one thing about this situation is that it is a good run at knowing that I am capable of being in a long-term relationship. I am thankful I met this man because if I had never met this man and allowed him to be with me, I would've never realized this amazing thing that I made it this far and I am ready for a relationship. So, really, this wonderful encounter is a blessing to me, he is a blessing to my life. 

At My Age I Am Content

It was long ago, actually, it was only four years ago. I met this gentleman on a dating site, I believe it was on POF, which is "Plenty Of Fish", it was a nice encounter. In my dating world, my interest is for a casual thing, always looking for the right man to have friends with benefits. We all know that when we say, "I don't want a relationship,"  we think that calling it a "friend with benefits" is safer to state. However, we trick ourselves into stating that we don't want a relationship. When in all actuality we are, and we develop a relationship. When things like this is stated we are setting ourselves up for failure and heartbreak.

It's hard to date in this day and age, a lot of times nowadays there are many who get out of relationships, such as marriages and long-term relationships consisting of love. It tends to be one of the most difficult things to get over, mentally, spiritually, and physically. We hurt ourselves in the process then we tell ourselves negative things that reflect the next person, thus they end up hurt in the long run. One guy let me know that missing someone is an attachment. He reframes himself for using the word "missing" and states that he doesn't want to miss anyone. This guy is still healing from his broken marriage from seven years ago.

It isn't easy to start over again, most of the time we tend to hurt those just because we were hurt by someone else. To be honest this is unfair for humans to treat each other like this. As I have grown into my age of being older in my fifties I find myself to be more gracious and laid back with men. I am not sure what happened, grant it, I do get my feelings hurt from time to time. However, I tend to bounce back pretty quickly from not being loved like I would've liked. I've noticed that for me I see men as a way to live life comfortably. I've noticed that being sober has impressed me of myself. I used to get jealous and upset with men when they are attracted to other women, especially on social media. Now I am not that way, it can sting a bit, but it is something I can deal with much better now. At my age, I have found that I can love them and leave them with no consequences to obtain. To be content is the key to the game, I don't owe anyone anything, therefore I am free to make myself happy. I have loved many men, have they loved me? I would like to think that they did. At least I hope they had an inkling of love for me that developed, and even though the term "missing you" is a forbidden thing, I hope they did.