Dang It, I thought it was a Game

Whenever you think dating is just as regular thing, the shit hits the fan. So the guy whom I'm dating took me out to dinner one night, we ate a Mexican restaurant in my little town. While looking at the menu, I mentioned that my daughter told me, "That's not right..." because I was gonna eat with my date. Then my date from Texas told me to order what she wants. I looked at him like... What? I was very surprised that he wanted to buy my daughter food. Of course he looked at me confused, then he said, "Well, girl gotta eat... Right?" I was just amazed that he did what he did. He got me, one of the things I didn't think could get me, got me. However, I am convinced that I am not going to allow myself to think that I am going to feel anything for him. I mean it's nice to have emotional feelings. But, at the same time it can be troubling, especially when he is going to leave in a year and off he goes. 

How do women deal with such a short term kind of thing? I have no idea, my last guy who years ago was in construction and from Texas, asked me to go with him. I took what I could and left with him, we struggled on our journey, with drinking and drugs and then some. However, we ended up going our own ways which was not fun at all. Even though it was not what I expected and it was the toughest time in my life to deal with, however, I am glad I left Moab when I did. Now, that it’s behind me, and been tough to carry on with life, but I did it the best I knew how to do it. Certain things such as the hurt that I experienced from the last marriage. Did I want it to hinder my life by getting into another relationship that would cause more damage? I think not, besides I have my kids. However, along the way I tried, I tried to be in a relationship, but it didn’t work out. The last one was a joke, it wasn’t even a relationship, I thought it was, but he didn’t think so. One of the worst mistakes of my life, but it was one of the most valuable lessons to learn from. Take for instance the last man I dated, well, tried to get into a consistent thing, not even that was going to happen. I roll my eyes at that one, this was not even anything but a realization that this guy was the younger version of my worst mistake. As I drive to a fishing spot I realized this. 

Driving really helps in discovering what is going on in life. I ponder at the notion, and I ponder a lot, that certain outcomes in my life is just plain nonsense. Such as the notion to the soul tie that I had with the last guy I dated a month or so ago. Even while dating this, or seeing this man, there were sparkles in my eyes for him. He was a drunk, a drinker of alcoholic beverages, and it would get out of hand. He told me because he was bored, I can understand that, because I get bored too, and that was one of my downfalls . It consumed me like a blazing fire. I could not get a grip on that one, I saw that in him. When he would drink he was loving, kind and full of affection. I ate it all up, my body loved the way he gave me attention, his eyes were the brink of “Whatever he wanted me to do, I would do it” kind of eyes. I knew I recognized those eyes from somewhere! Yes, it was from my worst mistake, he was exactly like him, and when I realized it, I immediately said, “No more” I am not going to go through that crap again. That is exactly what I did, I stood my ground and let him go. 

The next thing I thought of while driving was the notion that this man from Texas, he doesn’t treat me this way, he is genuine. Like he treats me like a human being, I am not anything but a human being. It is something that astonishes me. I really can’t get over being treated like this, it’s like accepting Jesus into your heart and realizing He is the living God. Except this Texan man isn’t Jesus. It’s a metaphor… okay. Anyway, this man is emotionally available, that is the difference! The emotionally availability part of a person is what the difference is. The soul tie? It means I am yearning for the availability of the person who is not returning the response, so waiting and texting him and calling him and making myself crazy is what happens. For me, I don’t call or do anything crazy like that. I just text, but he doesn’t return any of it and he may look at it, but he does not respond. He’s an asshole about it and probably rolls his eyes at it or at me. I am not sure how the Texan responds behind the glass of the phone, but at least he responds and he apologizes to me about returning my text messages later than usual. It’s the response of the Texan that is so sweet and very appreciative. I feel like a human being, like I matter, and that is a great feeling. 

Is He going to Text me? Will I See Him Again?

I know in time when I read this entry of a blog again, I will giggle and put my hand over my mouth while I think... "What the hell was wrong with ME?" Oh yes, it is this kind of life I am living and experiencing again. It's crazy that at my new age of fifty years old, I would have to live again through something that I thought was going to be a lesson. I suppose lessons never die, they just get interesting as you live through it again. It's almost like a game that I am supposed to refer back to when I was younger and had to figure out what to do. Life has interesting insights to admire, I've noticed at my age that the mental notes in my head do exist. I have a file cabinet of notes in my brain that have sections of experiences of life that in each file I pull out there are post-it notes stuck to it. Reminding me that next time do it this way, or scratch that this part or that part. Then there are the BOLD letters that state those words to refrain from doing this ever again!

Currently, at this time I am referring to those mental notes and just keeping my cool, even though sometimes I wanna lose it from time to time. I have mentioned a particular man in my life to whom I am not seeing, not sure if he will contact me again through text messages, but maybe. There was a common connection of attraction. Mine was intense toward him, I know that if I were in a relationship I would run to him all the time if he called or texted. It's sad really, it's sad that a person can have that kind of effect on another person! Something, that I could never understand that the human brain has no control over. But there is the free will of choice we were given. I know that is something that is true, we all possess that free will of choice. So right now I am drinking my coffee and listening to my concentration music while I am writing. The only thing that I am thinking is about this man. I think about his eyes, and his voice, and I can still taste the mixes of his mouth. They are usually Copenhagen and his natural salivating juices. Is that not just completely weird! I mean it was a week ago since I saw him? I am initially fucked, to put it bluntly.

However, I am using this crazy thing to learn from and how to get through this without hurting anyone else in the process, except myself. I mean it's okay that I hurt in this process because it's me, I created this web of nonsense that is reigning in my mind. I'd rather be hurt in the process because I think I have the ability to get over it. This current man that I am seeing has let me know that I agreed to see him when I knew the consequences. Yes, I agreed to it, but now in the process, I am grieving for the guy that I really want. So last night I was talking to this man whom I am currently seeing and the way he talks and converses is interesting to me. It's as if he likes that he can travel and meet women and see them for a little bit till he has to go to another job, then leave the woman behind. While I listened to him he told me that it was on me to get over it, Initially in my brain, it captured a game. A game on his end to proceed in life and enjoy the yearning of a woman who will cry and weep like a baby when he leaves. He's nice, but he's an asshole too, which he does admit, so I don't feel bad that he said it first. I mean I am too... anyway, it was not a very processing conversation for me. because I want to play the men's game too. I mean I am not modest, I never claimed to be the perfect sweet woman, I play the part though. I guess, I was a bit unhinged, a bit like okay, why not have something on the side while I am with you, Then when you leave it won't be that bad. Because that is the way my brain is thinking. I'm not impressed with money or possessions anyway, I am okay with never seeing another person again. Sometimes, when people talk to people it doesn't make any sense to a person who is lived through a lot of bullshit. Well, time to get ready for my day, I think the coffee hit the spot. I might take another moment to reflect again and write. 

Morning Coffee Thoughts

It's another day and this morning I was late waking up. But, I had my coffee and I think I am ready to go. While I was  preparing my morning coffee, I was thinking of the men that I wrote about last night. One of the things that came to my mind was the ages of the men I’m attracted to. It used to be that I was attracted to younger men in their twenties, and thirties. I think I've finally, sort of matured to date within the range of my age. Forty-year-old men have a lot to offer, they seem to be laid back, they know what they want, they have experience, and they seem to have a drive that is really sexy. Grant it, some can be annoying, but overall they’re fun, I have yet to experience someone my own age, as I laugh and smile at this statement. I received a morning text message from the guy I am dating now. When relationships seem to be an idea, and it seems to be something that would be for the other person, not me... I have to admit I love his morning text messages. I love that he texts me and calls me "sweetheart" and I text back and call him "baby". It has been a moment, but this is a wonderful intimacy. 

Knowing that this is temporary is good for me, I can understand that life goes on. I don't know if it's the sobriety that is making me have sense in life or if it's the age of myself. But I try not to take things so personally anymore. It used to be that it was exhausting, and very tasking to feel all the time and then get angry and then sad. I used to say, "Why can't I have a relationship with a real man?" I realized there is no such thing as a real man. A man in my mind was a fantasy of what I daydreamed about, there is no prince charming, or the perfect guy. I realized that men are human beings that have challenges as I do, they may handle it much better than me, but they are battling things I don't understand. When men don't message me back after I have messaged them, I tend to leave it silent and move on. I would like to keep my relationship with men after we meet. To keep it as long-lasting as possible, you never know, you might need them for something important. It's good to keep it kind of solid as possible. 

There are a lot of challenges in living in today's world, the one thing that gets me is the fact that men are losing their place in this world. However, I get really happy when I see a man stand up for themselves and know exactly what they want. I suppose being an asshole isn't so bad, it keeps the country strong, I love a humble and strong man. It makes a sexy guy that I would want to be with for the rest of my life. I suppose I have always been attracted to funny, strong, beautiful assholish men. I am smiling while I am typing this line. I am thinking of the last two men I was with, currently the one of the two I'm dating. But, it's so enlightening to know that there are men that exist with this kind of trait. 

If women totally understood men, it would be boring. Life would essentially be a boring space in the world. I don’t know much about men, I confess I do get frustrated with them, but I guess it is as it should be. I shouldn’t have to understand them, just love them as they are, and support them as much as possible. As you can see I love men, I really appreciate them a lot. Someday I hope that I can meet someone who is wonderful and makes me laugh and loves me till the end of time. It’s a dream of mine, and I am keeping it, and it will happen. 

The New Light In a Relationship

Sometimes there are encounters that seem would be something as a regular thing. In my brain, I have seen dating life as the kind of thing where meeting someone who is just a guy would last for a moment. Admittingly, I will tell you that I date just to be with men. Honestly, I date to feel the closeness of men close to me, skin-to-skin and kissable. Have I thought of a long-term thing? At times there were a few that made me think, maybe this time I could. Honestly, I didn't think it would be possible to have something like that. Especially, for myself, as I have stated my dating life consists of no long-term ideal situations such as a relationship. The short-term relationships that I have had have always been a secretive kind because I was always used to being the one kept in the dark. Always calling on me when they needed me, I am used to that. Never, had I had an encounter where I would be seen with someone and enjoy it!

Aside from the past men who kept me in their rooms as I knew it, it was the kind of life I was content with. It was going to be the norm in my life, due to the fact that I didn't think I could experience a public kind of engagement. I have had two of these men in my life who wanted to be seen with me in public, the other one who is not my kind of guy, I wished he was, only because I liked him and enjoyed him. I mentioned he is the difficult one whom I have called my soul tie. Unfortunately, he is, and has the little side activity of drinking alcohol from time to time, but is totally fun to be with. I think that is what makes it tough to try to forget him. To explain one of our escapades, there were crazy activities we would do. We have a game we would play while driving around town at night. He called it the stop-and-go game. Where I would stop at a stop light or stop sign and initially give him pleasure at the stop sign or light. Then he would let me know when it was time to go. We'd drive on the country roads to play this game in broad daylight and when night came we'd head to town to play stop-and-go. I have to admit, this was my favorite game. In other instances, he would persuade me to drive topless, his eyes made me do it. I don't know what it is about this guy, but he would say it and I would do it. But! I was careful not to do what made me feel uncomfortable, if it was not something I wanted he wouldn't push the issue anymore. Except this last time together and it was the last time, I was going to agree because his eyes and his voice were my downfall. We were supposed to do something together that involved another man. I thought it was something that I could do, something that I wanted. However, it was not. I chickened out of it and told him "no", that was the last time I was with him. 

Sometimes, when you encounter someone like this you think it's what you want, when in all actuality it is all about him. Do you know what the bad part of this is? It is that the guy could give two fucks about me. Right now, I am not even a thought in his brain or a feeling in his heart. It amazes me about human beings and granted, I am the same way, except when the guy has made a place into your soul it becomes hard to live. Yes, this man became my soul tie and it is difficult to kinda be with someone else, especially in the dating world. But good news! I am dating another man who is kind of breaking that cycle for me. The sad part of this is that he is only here for a while and then he goes back to Texas. This is where he is from and I met him on Tinder, great guy and so sweet with some sexy on top. I enjoy being with him, he is so funny and so adoring to me, he treats me like a queen. I have never met a man who treats me like a human being, I was not sure of him and how this was going to go down. The first week of meeting him was super fun, and I have to admit I am a live-on-the-edge kind of woman. We were together one night which was oblivious and very exciting and sexy. So, we ended up staying late out on Main Street, There were a few busy by-passers, but it was safe enough to make a quick steamy encounter in public. Have I ever done this before? I have had public encounters before. It can be exciting and very fun, my date had fun, to be clear he courted me for a week till we couldn't take it anymore. It was my most memorable moment with this nice guy. 

The dates continue and I am amazed at how comfortable I am with him. In the back of my mind, I know this is a temporary thing that we have, and then eventually he will go home and meet other women to date. Because he is in a job that keeps him busy with traveling from one place to another. I am preparing myself when the time comes, I have my heart intact at the moment, but I also know I am a free woman, I have opportunities to carry on. The one thing about this situation is that it is a good run at knowing that I am capable of being in a long-term relationship. I am thankful I met this man because if I had never met this man and allowed him to be with me, I would've never realized this amazing thing that I made it this far and I am ready for a relationship. So, really, this wonderful encounter is a blessing to me, he is a blessing to my life. 

At My Age I Am Content

It was long ago, actually, it was only four years ago. I met this gentleman on a dating site, I believe it was on POF, which is "Plenty Of Fish", it was a nice encounter. In my dating world, my interest is for a casual thing, always looking for the right man to have friends with benefits. We all know that when we say, "I don't want a relationship,"  we think that calling it a "friend with benefits" is safer to state. However, we trick ourselves into stating that we don't want a relationship. When in all actuality we are, and we develop a relationship. When things like this is stated we are setting ourselves up for failure and heartbreak.

It's hard to date in this day and age, a lot of times nowadays there are many who get out of relationships, such as marriages and long-term relationships consisting of love. It tends to be one of the most difficult things to get over, mentally, spiritually, and physically. We hurt ourselves in the process then we tell ourselves negative things that reflect the next person, thus they end up hurt in the long run. One guy let me know that missing someone is an attachment. He reframes himself for using the word "missing" and states that he doesn't want to miss anyone. This guy is still healing from his broken marriage from seven years ago.

It isn't easy to start over again, most of the time we tend to hurt those just because we were hurt by someone else. To be honest this is unfair for humans to treat each other like this. As I have grown into my age of being older in my fifties I find myself to be more gracious and laid back with men. I am not sure what happened, grant it, I do get my feelings hurt from time to time. However, I tend to bounce back pretty quickly from not being loved like I would've liked. I've noticed that for me I see men as a way to live life comfortably. I've noticed that being sober has impressed me of myself. I used to get jealous and upset with men when they are attracted to other women, especially on social media. Now I am not that way, it can sting a bit, but it is something I can deal with much better now. At my age, I have found that I can love them and leave them with no consequences to obtain. To be content is the key to the game, I don't owe anyone anything, therefore I am free to make myself happy. I have loved many men, have they loved me? I would like to think that they did. At least I hope they had an inkling of love for me that developed, and even though the term "missing you" is a forbidden thing, I hope they did.

Dating at 50… and Those Eyes

There is nothing better than turning fifty years old. I am half a century old! I have found being my age is challenging but at the same time very rewarding. I got a Master’s degree at the age of fifty, and I am working toward more goals than ever before. My job is rewarding and I love the organization I am working for. However, my dating life has become another issue to tackle. Why is dating so hard? Sometimes I ask myself that question, but at the same time, it is fun as shit. I can tell you that I was using dating apps as a way to message guys because I was bored at home. Eventually, it was a way to try to find the man who would be the enlightenment in my life. Those kinds of men can eventually be the ones I’d like to see on a consistent basis. There were some possible ones, but there were few. One man I met not too long ago was one such a man.

It was about a month ago when I met him, he was some years younger than me, but he was fun. He did drink beyond more than he could handle. I myself am looking at 3-1/2 years of sobriety from alcohol. I was not worried about wanting to drink with him, although, there were a couple of times where I could have. He was very handsome and he was aware of his feelings. Broken marriages kind of take a toll on a person, that is, if they were in love with the other person. I know this, it took me a long time before I really got over my ex-husband. It’s not easy to deal with a person in your life who desecrates a marriage, and then to try to move on without really moving on. This man I met was so enlightening to my life, that the more I looked into his eyes, the more the flaws were covered. Flaws such as his alcohol use. His eyes were my down fall, I am a woman who falls for eyes that seep into your soul. His eyes did, it absorbed into my flesh that we became one. Well, at least that is what I felt. I fell for it, I became ruined.

It was only three encounters with this man and then he was silenced. No return text messages, nothing to indicate that we were ever together, it was silent. When this happened, I have to admit it hurt me. I didn’t even spend my life with him, but it hurt. I cried a bit and I questioned a lot. The whole thing was crap, why would I allow such feelings to effect me? This affected me in such a way that he is always in my thoughts, I tell ya it’s the eyes that made me crazy. I didn’t respond to him, I kept myself silent as well. The only thing I am doing now is hoping for the best for him. I wish and hope that he is going to heal from whatever he is struggling with.

In some way, I think I realized why he had such an impact on me. It’s because he reminds me of myself. His drinking and his demeanor in relationships. When he was a sloppy drunk, I could relate to him, I saw who I was in this man. I wanted to take care of what I saw in him. It was like I was drawn to the person of myself I saw in this man, and I wanted to comfort him. Maybe, he is still in love with his ex-wife and he is hurting because of that. This revelation of him reminding me of me was astonishing. It was like I was shot in the face. The bullet hit at just the right spot, lodged in an area that broke into the flesh and severed a wound not forgetting. You know the kind of metaphoric realization of discovery. If a revelation felt, it was like that.

My daughter

 Yesterday was my beautiful daughter's birthday; she turned 15 years old. She is now 15 years old! What a journey from finding out I was pregnant with her to grow into a beautiful young lady; yesterday, I was reminiscing on her baby pictures and how perfect she is. I was overwhelmed with her sweetness of her and the remarkable way she was created for me. 

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was in a place that began a journey to major singleness. My husband a the time found his soulmate amid our marriage and left, and that was okay. It wasn't too long that I found myself dating other men and working at the coal mines of Wyoming. There were plenty of men available to date me; I was not too alone. It was an exciting time in Wright, WY; in all the hustle and bustle, I met a man who was different from my ex-husband. He was not a Texan but an Oregan, South Dakotan guy. However, I did not know much about him; I only thought he was very friendly and good-looking. He was a welder at the coal mine we worked at; I was working as a wash bay attendant cleaning equipment and having fun driving and operating the colossal equipment on site. It was a 12-shift hour job with a combination shift schedule. Lots of living at the coal mine met a lot of good, hardworking men and learned a lot from them. We had our share of fun drinking and hanging out at Hank's Bar located in Wright. That was my place to pick up my alcohol and use it to sleep with after my graveyard shifts. Anyway, we had fun, when I met this guy I noticed him the first time he started working there. We chatted at first, and then we ended up hanging out, I knew he had a girlfriend, but I was in the clouds by how he treated me. 

We ended up having a time alone, and there was when he got me pregnant; while we were together, he mentioned that he could not have kids due to his severe cancer treatments. He told me of his horrible journey as a cancer patient. He is definitely a fighter. I was glad that he was alive, and I had the opportunity to have him in my life for a brief moment. When I found out about my pregnancy, I was confused and shocked that I was pregnant and scared shitless. Here I am, a 34-year woman, an already a single mother who was still broken from a broken heart from the husband who left my son and me, and now I am pregnant. I can still remember looking at the pregnancy test. I stood still; I was thinking of the negative that would occur, but also thinking about what I was going to tell the father of my child? Instead, I looked up to Jesus and thanked Him for my beautiful gift. Then after that, everything negative completely faded into thin air. I was excited, and I didn't care how hard it would be with my soon-to-be two kids. I was happy. Our journey began, just my son and my daughter and me. Now my kids are nearly all grown up, and I will soon see them become so much more in their lives. I'll tell more about my pregnancy at the coal mine and the father later. 

My daughter was a huge stepping stone and a huge blessing to all of us in the Yellow family and extended as well. Our lives were complete with my little girl. However, I wished I had gotten pregnant with my daughter's dad again. Just one more to have her grow up with another sibling... HA!