Love and Growth

It's 2025—a year of new beginnings and endless possibilities. Life may not always offer the complete package, but there is beauty in savoring the moments we are given.

Over the past year, my life has changed in ways I never expected. I met a man who has made life worth living again. He awakened my heart—teaching me to trust, to love, and to feel less anxious. With him, I've had to learn how to let go of jealousy and trust that other women who cross his path are simply a part of life. It hasn't been easy, and I’m still working on it. But what I do know is this: for as long as I have him in my life, I will love him deeply and give myself the freedom to fully embrace our journey together.

Even from afar, our love continues. My heart is in Texas now—who would have thought a long-distance relationship could thrive like this? Yet, here we are, and I am grateful every day.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I am still evolving as a 52-year-old woman. Wow—52! It hits me sometimes that I'm well over half a century old. I'm not a young pup anymore, but you know what? My Texas makes me feel young. He is my fountain of youth.

What I love most about this man is how he opens my mind. His presence encourages me to grow and become a better version of myself. It amazes me how the right person can inspire you to reach higher. Because of him, I want to explore new possibilities, push my limits, and discover what I am capable of achieving. My dreams are big, and there is still so much I want to accomplish before my time is up. I am working toward my goals and striving to be a woman who is committed, dedicated, persistent, and focused on everything life places before me.

I don't have all the answers, but I am always learning. Education is important to me because I refuse to carry unnecessary baggage into my future. I want my journey to be full of opportunities—maybe even a romantic trip to Europe with my Texas, making crazy love on train rides through different countries! Visiting the Netherlands and Germany would be amazing, but my ultimate dream is to experience Italy. And you know what? It's going to happen—I just know it.

In the meantime, I have both Texas, the man, and Texas, the state, to explore. I recently discovered that flights from Denver are much cheaper than from where I live. Sometimes, I daydream about living there just to make visiting my baby easier. One day, perhaps.

Long-distance relationships are no walk in the park, but they shape you. They've certainly shaped me. This journey has pushed me to work on myself even more. I hope our love lasts a long time because I can't imagine letting go of this extraordinary man. He has captured my heart in a way no one else ever has. In some ways, I feel like I belong to him—and it's a comforting feeling. I am his, and he is mine.

I want nothing but the best for him. I want to see him thrive and grow as a man. He is intelligent, persistent, and an exceptional planner. My brain doesn’t work quite like his—I admire how he maps out our adventures and finds ways to include me in everything. It makes me feel special.

One of my favorite things? When he tells me he's proud of me. Those five words—"I am proud of you"—give me butterflies every time.

Whatever the future holds, I am grateful for my Texas and the love we share. Together or apart, we are building something real—something worth holding on to.

The Way It Is Now

One thing about myself that I have learned, is that the control from a man is absolutely sexy. Especially, when he steps in to engage in exciting tactics, it’s adventurous and fun. I don’t think I have ever had that in a man who made such an effort to fantasize about us as a couple with freedom. First off, I was always afraid to try new things, there were boundaries that I held on to. In my older age, I have found the experience with someone at the same level is so sexy. I am enjoying my Texas man, he has opened up to me things that I never thought I had in me. It’s a wonderful feeling to be told I have power. I never knew that, but he has repeatedly stated this to me. To be honest, I don’t see myself that way. He told me I did. I find it incredible to be told of something I didn’t know, maybe that is why men never really wanted to pursue me?

It has been over a year now that we have been in a relationship, and on October 10, 2024, he had to leave me, it was a hard adjustment and I had become sad without him. My Texas man finished his job here in my area of Colorado and he had to move on to another job in Texas. Although it has been tough to get used to not having him here near me and seeing him all the time, we are connected by phone calls and text messages. I was afraid to lose him and not continue with our adventures together. However, he has made an effort to want to see me again, I made it to Texas 3 times already. The first time I flew out to him and spent some quality time with him and his fur babies, mostly one baby girl who is my favorite girl, Maggie. I think sometimes I miss her more than my Texas, I am joking, I miss him so much. The first visit to him was so fun, he showed me around his home and around where he grew up. In the area where he is from the weather was rainy, and cold at the time when I visited him. It was nice though, I have to admit that I love Texas. The last time I was there was when I was married to my ex-husband. It is nice to be back where I was before. 

Then there was time I actually drove to Texas where he was told that a job would start for him. It was just nice to be back in his little trailer again. Except this time I wouldn't leave to go home every night. I would actually spend the night with him and his fur babies in the trailer. I actually loved the nights and the time spent with them, baby girl Maggie was so sweet to have me in their bed. She is the most loving dog, I swear she is the reincarnated dog that I had as my baby girl "Red", she was my "Red Dog" that followed me home one morning in Wichita Falls, TX. I remembered that she just followed me and Elenor who was our other girl at the time. My ex-husband and I went to Texas to take a break and parked the trailer at his mother's home. It was a short break and then we had to go on to another job. So while at his mother's place, I went out to walk Elenor to the park that had a lake. It was a very nice morning, I remember it so well. I was talking to Elenor and she was so happy that we were out walking when we got to the park, there was a man, and beside him was a red dog. She was sweet and mild, the man was walking a distance away from her. Then she saw us, she trotted up to us, and immediately she took to Elenor, there was no fuss between them. I was delighted to see that. However, the longer we kept walking the longer this good girl kept following us. I spoke to the man, well, I yelled at him and said, "Sir, is this your dog?" Because he was calling her Red. He responded and said, "No, she is not mine, I just call her Red, she has been hanging around this park and she answers to Red." I smiled and said, "Oh, okay, well I guess we will hang out with her now, hopefully her owner will show up." He left and there we were, she was so happy, she clung to me, her sweet eyes looked into mine and she ended up following me back to our trailer. My ex-husband was not happy, but I was, from then on, she was my Red Dog. She was so protective of me, everywhere we went she was there barking at pedestrians and if they were men who were on motorcycles or tall men wearing black leather jackets, she was not happy. Red Dog was part of our small family, she and Elenor were 2 peas in a pod. It was me, Elenor, and Red Dog at his mother's home in Wichita Falls, TX when my ex left to go to a job in Wyoming. Eventually, we would have to make the long trip to Gillette, WY. I remember it was a challenging drive because I had to drive the stick shift Chevy truck with me and the dogs. That Chevy truck was not the best, it would overheat, and it seemed that at every stop I had to rest the truck to cool off and put in water in the radiator. The dogs were always looking at me, Elenor with her soft pretty eyes, she was a princess, she was a pretty girl too, a very good and smart girl. I miss both of them, they were the smartest dogs I have ever had. In my mind, I regret the loss of our dogs, when we got married it changed, we changed, and then when I got pregnant it really changed, the fear of the dogs in the same room with our new baby brought new decisions we had to make. We were new parents, at least for me, I was, my ex-husband already had two kids and he was used to the fact of having a baby. We ended up giving away our dogs, and my eyes are filling up with tears writing this entry. My poor Red Dog, she was confused. I try not to hate myself so much, but I do... I suppose Red Dog stands out so much more than Elenor. I don't know why? When it was just us 4, the 2 dogs the ex, and me, it was fun, it was perfect at the time. Everywhere we went they were with us, we stayed at a motel for a month or 2 doing a job, they were with us. I guess, sometimes I miss those times. I try not to dwell on the past too much, it's a different time now, and there are a lot of changes in my life now. I have 2 kids who will soon move on to bigger things in their lives, and a boyfriend who is in another state. So anyway, Maggie reminds me of my Red Dog that I loved so much, and to be honest, my daughter's dog Greyson, who is a male cow dog, reminds me of Elenor. Weird, how these things remind you of things that you miss so much. I love Maggie, she is the most beautiful and sweetest pup in the world right now. This is why I love her so much. 

I have to admit that there are times when I get a bit afraid to lose my Texas man, I don't want our relationship to end. I really don't, even though we are far from each other there is that connection. It seems that when in a long-distance thing, you either make it work or you don't. For me, I want to make it work, I am not sure about him, but I hope he wants the same. Although I have in the back of my mind, if ever it does not work out, I still have to keep the promise to myself. The promise that if ever, this relationship does not work, I will not and cannot be his friend. It seems that he has friends who are ladies that he has met in the past, I don't want to be those washed-up women of his past to continue in friendships. I'd rather not be on that list. I guess, for me, if it is done, it is completely done without me in it, I would rather move on without knowing someone I used to know. That is just me, I hope I don't have to go through it, I don't want to have to shut out someone I used to love. 

Today Will Be One Year

Today, it is the day when we met tonight at Starbucks on North Avenue in Grand Junction Colorado. This day last year, we met on Tinder two days ago, or should I say, two nights ago. I often wonder why we met, how did two souls meet? I have always heard of stories that couples meet on Tinder and it works, I have never really believed that I would meet someone long-term. When we first met, it was love at first sight. I didn’t really believe in that either. However, when I met him, it felt as though it was. When I first met and saw him, I was attracted to him. There is an entry in my blog about when we first met and the night we finally got to meet. The funny thing was that when we were together, it felt as though I had known him already. Like, I had met him before, we started to get to know each other and we conversed with our coffee, his unsweet tea in front of him. We laughed and he looked at me like I was a shiny toy, and I loved that feeling. For me, I was not used to this feeling of a man acting excited like a little boy. He was that night, to me I thought he was crazy to act like I was some huge prize, but he made me feel that way. I didn’t know if I was the one who was crazy, but I went with it, I just didn’t think at the time, that an actual man would think of me otherwise. However, now I know that he did in fact see me as more than I thought of myself. At the time, I was not thoughtful of myself, let alone most men who are on dating sites. I was thinking he was going to be this one-night stand thing. Well, one year later… I guess I was wrong.

I suppose, in my mind, I had this idea that when he stated short-term, I was thinking maybe at most 6 months and that was going to be the end of the thing that we had. We actually had an agreement. The agreement was to be this sexual thing and have fun with one another. However, conversations turn into deep thoughts of life, watching each other grow in our position of life, and meet each other at a deeper connective level. I started to love the control level he possessed over me. I never knew that subtle control in a man would be sexy, to have that realization was a bombshell in my mind. There were a lot of good times, a lot of first times with him, like a real couple thing. I loved every moment of it. 

When you are a woman of certain desires, it’s interesting that they can come to fruition at such a late age in life. Being an older woman, helps me appreciate intimacy at a very intriguing level. In my whole womanhood life did I ever think that there were some interesting healthy sexual activities to be explored? I know I am going deep, but, this is my page I can be as open to what my life as a 50-something woman experiences. At my age, I think it’s important to know the key aspects of who we are as women. The later age is often taboo to admit and realize women in their 50s or even 60s do have wonderful sexual experiences. Some may think no, not really, or untrue. To me, I am having the time of my life with someone I love at a deeper level. I am not sure what life will entail after he leaves me. All I know is that I am thankful for now, I am thankful for the time I have with Texas, and I hope we can enjoy one another on another new level. Whatever happens to us as life carries on, I will always keep him in my mind and in my heart all the days of my life. He will be the only man I will treasure, and the only man I have ever truly loved. Happy Year Anniversary my sexy Texas man, you are the love of my life for now, until you leave me. 

The Battleground of The Mind

I don't understand why the thoughts in my mind are going crazy? Why am I thinking so much and making myself crazy, it has gotten to the point that I'm unable to eat. Last night I had to pray hard for the Lord to help my mind, to take away thoughts that were hindering my body. I was in tears just begging God to help me. My gut was wrenching in pain, and I just couldn't think right. When I prayed and begged the Lord to help me, I felt alone, like the world had crumbled around me. All I could do was clean, wash the dishes, take stuff out of my car, rearrange, and I just couldn't sit, because sitting causes me to think. Why in thought does it make you crazy? I don't understand the depth of the mind, it's as though it is the battleground that sabotages the happiness of yourself. In the past, I have sabotaged the good things in my life. My mind was the enemy, and it still is apparently, it goes in a whirlwind of exterior things that are delusional. The delusion of the mind can play tricks on you. It's very concerning. All I can ask is, is it the past experiences of things that cause the mind to get out of control? While I am thinking all these things, the words that are being typed, I wonder what a counselor would say? How do they approach individuals who struggle with the mind of someone who thinks too much? I suppose the best thing is to keep moving and create a space where you do things to keep from sitting and thinking too much. 

Last night when I was in thought and it was going so out of control that my stomach was sick, I couldn't think of anything else but to pray. While praying to Jesus, I stood at the kitchen sink silently weeping, hoping my daughter didn't hear me. The prayers at the speed of 123, 123, 123, 123. Over and over again, I summoned the Holy Spirit to cover my mind, to cover the brain cells, the chemicals that were intertwining within the fibers of my brain. I wanted the thoughts of something terrible to stop, and hoping they would disappear; the feeling of, "I know it", "I felt it", but was it real? At the end of processing myself and reevaluating my thoughts and how I was feeling, my mind settled down. My body started to feel less anxious, less stressed, and less mindful. I felt relief, I felt as though the enemy fled from me and I could breathe again. It was then I thought, I have to keep moving in prayer, I know the mind is a terrible place especially when a good thing in your life is there. My Texas is my dopamine, my serotonin, I realize this and I need to get my mind in check again. I don't know why the feelings of defeat are upon me, and I am just anxious. I feel helpless, and I need to be strong, I have to gain momentum again and set aside the uncertainty of what the future holds with another person. First of all, it shouldn't be an issue, life is built on how things come together, whether it be the forces of nature or the way we live. 

I will need to get myself a counselor for the rest of the year and beyond, I will be delving into a life of commitment, a life that consists of reading and filling my brain with a goal in mind. In my mind, I want to hold the current friendship through this commitment, but I am afraid to do it. I'm afraid because I might lose the friendship through the goal I'm aiming for. I suppose that is what it takes, trusting that the way is going to be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I have to have the courage to move forward, to set aside some things in my life, and know in my heart that sometimes when things in life come together it is the foundation that is being built. I am always reminded of this, "Take courage in yourself, take courage, and do not fear..."

Thinking too Much Can Destroy a Good Thing

In the last week, my mind has been so crazy. I do not know why the mind has to think too much. So the last few weeks my mind has just been in a frenzy of thoughts, I don't know why? Maybe, because of my insecurities. I hate that I have insecurities, I hate that I don't feel like I have any trust in the one person I love. The other day, I felt so bad that I neglected to communicate with my friend, my lover man Texas. I know we are friends who love experiences together, and we are friends who enjoy being with each other and respect one another, I respect him as someone who has feelings. Even though he doesn't want to admit he does, I know he does. Anyway, it is Sunday and my daughter who loves to attend the evening services of church, let me know that she wants to participate in that evening. I was obliged to do so and go with her. So we went together, it takes me a while to want to go to church, but I do. However, as a confession, my mind was battling the whole service of the thoughts of Texas. Because I turned my phone to airplane mode. While I was in church, all I thought of was him, and I was hoping he knew that I was in church, because I didn't relay the message to him that I was going to be in church with my daughter.

The feeling of neglecting a person bothers me. I hate that feeling of just shutting off the ones I love or the feeling of someone shutting me off. It really bothered me, I was not happy with myself. After church my daughter wanted to take me to dinner, so after church, I was anxious to get on my phone to let him know that I just got out of the church with my daughter. I saw the message on Snapchat, and on my regular phone, oh my heart sank. My mind started to race to the thoughts of "You stupid woman" you forgot to communicate to him. I immediately messaged him back and let him know that we just got out of the church, and I was about to have dinner with my daughter. He seemed a bit irritated, but I was not sure. If it was me? Or if he actually was? However, if I was him, I would've been very irritated. His response was, "I'm already eating and when you didn't respond I left cause I was hungry." I let him know that I was happy he got something to eat. Then I let him know what was going on, and what the plan was with my daughter, even though I still felt bad. I guess it's because I value the way he feels, that is if he has feelings, I'm smiling at what I just typed. I know that Texas has feelings, because I feel his love and kindness towards me, even though sometimes he can be an ass, but to me, he is a sweet ass. He is my sweet ass. 

I called him that night to hear his voice and just to let him know that we just got home. I also wanted to let him know that I was sorry for not letting him know about that evening. He seemed irritated with me, and somehow I think he didn't believe me. His response was, "It's okay, ARE WE MARRIED?" I was taken aback at the response, I said, "No, we are not, I just felt bad about it." It was then I knew, and you always know, the one person that you care so much about, is the one person you don't ever want to hurt. What I mean is that I could never want to hurt my friend whom I love very much. I suppose, what I mean is that I could never want to sneak around and lie to my friend because it would hurt me so much. Or say anything negative about him, now, in my mind, there is much negativity that I have to tell my Jesus about, and I'm smiling at what I'm typing. But, it usually disappears after a day or two, and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. The next day, I had to explain how I felt about us, our friendship, and how I felt about unintentionally blocking our conversations for just an hour, but I should've let him know what the plan was with my daughter because I didn't want him to worry about me and our friendship. I let him know that I value him as a friend of mine, I value who he is because, after all, we will have known each other for a whole year. His response was unexpected to me because he is not a feely smooshy kind of man. But he let me know that he appreciated me, and appreciated my message to him. I know that he is a beautiful man, he really is, I may have outrageous thoughts that go off the deep end, but he is my friend. I am not sure how I will feel when he is gone, when friendships that I develop over time and then we don't communicate for a long time, it seems that we can pick up where we left off. I believe, that even though we may be disconnected in the future, we will always pick up where we left off. I love you Texas, always. You are my sweet sexy ass that will never leave my mind. Even if I tried, I know you wouldn't allow it.

The Story of a Fifty Something Year Old Navajo Woman

It's 4:00 am in the morning, I lay in bed thinking that I need to get up. But, I hit the snooze button and slept for 30 min. By this time I have to get up and greet the morning, it's hard to get up and start the day and make your bed. I do it anyway, I look at my phone and my Texas man Snapchatted me last night and missed it because I was asleep. This week was a bizarre week for me, last week was a bit better than this week. I felt normal before, but now, not that great. Yesterday, driving home from work, my mind was in a whirlwind. I am not sure why my stomach was in knots, am I getting delusional about everything in my life? Not sure if it's because of the extra stress that is on me this week? Or if the knots in my belly are telling me there is something wrong and am I going to be humiliated by the one man I think is my friend? I haven't eaten at all this week because of the deepening stress of the unknown. Is there something that he is keeping from me? When I feel like this I try to overcome it and move on from this awful feeling, I pray to God to reveal whatever it is that is making me feel this way.

I sat in my car in front of my home crying and sobbing in prayer talking to Jesus to take this feeling away. The pit of my stomach is twisted in knots and the feeling of betrayal is deep. I am not sure if Jesus had that same feeling in the pit of His stomach when he was weeping at Gethsemane before the Romans took Him away. It was then the revelation of Judas's kiss on the cheek revealed the betrayal as the Romans arrested Jesus. Jesus knows what betrayal feels like, maybe, it is one of those things that we all have. It's like a curse to have that feeling of sickening feeling. The last time I had this feeling was when my ex-husband was seeing someone else. I knew it, and for some reason, he kept it from me and I believe it was to protect the woman he was seeing. I understand, then at the same time, I don't. If a man is protecting a woman from another woman, just tell the woman you're with the truth so she can move on. It's that simple. I hate to be the one who is the idiot who hangs around to the end of the relationship that is going to end when they leave.

I would rather not continue this thing I agreed to, and then stop. Because this feeling really sucks. I fell in love with this guy and we did have an agreement when we met that it was going to be this way. I really don't want to continue if this feeling of sickness continues and he is not honest with me. Friends don't treat friends this way. When he leaves, I will leave too, I will heal as I have always done. But, I would rather do it now. I don't want to be friends with a man who thinks he has another woman who he can use as a prop when he is lonely while he finds a woman to fuck. There is also the list of women friends this guy has that reach out to him every day, it's so cool, not. The women are his friends and he gets calls from them every day, he is constantly saying, they call for dating advice and they always want his opinion. He raises them up to get them going, to make sure they are living well. His intention is to have me as part of his list of stupid women who are dumb and lonely and not independent enough to do it on their own. I would rather not be one of those stupid women. No contact after this shit show is done and he will be another memory like the rest. On his part, he did his job and he can get over it like it was another normal day. 

Some things are good, and days can be just good, depending on the person you're with. To have a friend is to be honest and true to them. at least that is what I think a friend is supposed to be. I do wear my love on my sleeves, especially when I spend a large amount of time with someone. I want to explain myself of what exactly a woman I have become. I thank my ex-husband for making me this way, it really is the way that I have always lived. When a friend lies to me or a man who is a lover of mine becomes friends with me, then eventually betrays me, I eliminate them from my life, there is no going back at all. I have an explicit action that engages no contact from them. It will be as if I have fallen off the face of the earth and never was known in their lives. Sometimes, it doesn't happen quickly, in the past there has been a few that have come back into my life, but I was drunk, so it was easy to trick me. I am sober now, it is easy for me to shut down people out of my life without any form of contact. Plus, I am a hard-headed woman and that is a plus for me. I particularly don't like to put up with people who play kind to me have their way with me and lie to me while we're friends. In my world, the lonely defiant, hard-pressed woman comes out. I suppose it is good because if the garbage of unkind, unloyal, dishonest people is in my life now, I can discard them unequivocally and it will help me grow beautifully. As long as they are completely out of my life. I can look forward to breathing again and gaining the strength to live and endure. Then somewhere down the road, I'll do it all over again. This is the story of a 50-something-year-old single Navajo woman, it's good to be me. 

I Don't Think Delusional, But He Thinks I Am

When the tides are broken it tends to be weird and strange. Last night, I confessed my deepest inner secretive feelings, words that may have sounded delusional but they were true. In the moment when I told him, I felt free from the grips of fear and felt the solitude of contentment. Texan, didn't say much, and I know that of him. This is what makes him who he is, just a beautiful, wonderful man. There are some things you can tell a man and some things you would rather not. Last night I had to confess what I have held all these months that I have known him. Some of the things that were said were, "I cry about you every day, and when you leave I will cry even more." I could not keep the confessions in, "When I love someone, I get this sick feeling in my stomach, and when they leave it gets worse where I can't eat and when I do, I can't keep it in." The feelings of things that happen to me continue to be spoken as how I am when I fall in love. His response was, "That's not good. Don't do that." Then in response, "I get depressed, but it's a depression that only lasts a few months and then I will be good again." He stayed silent, and in those few moments, I don't think he wanted to know. I don't think he wanted to believe it was my deepest confession that I was feeling for him. In my heart, I knew that I needed to tell him because in all my life I have never met a man like him. I know that I will love Texas till the day that I die and when he leaves, I will let him go knowing that he was the greatest love of my life. I will forever have beautiful memories tucked away in my mind and in my heart. When I continue to live on this earth, I will eventually die, but I know that I will die knowing that I have loved very deeply and very true, and I will pass away content with the life I lived. I am thankful he is in my life, and I am thankful he will be forever. This is the deepest confession of a single 50-something-year-old woman.