The Battleground of The Mind

I don't understand why the thoughts in my mind are going crazy? Why am I thinking so much and making myself crazy, it has gotten to the point that I'm unable to eat. Last night I had to pray hard for the Lord to help my mind, to take away thoughts that were hindering my body. I was in tears just begging God to help me. My gut was wrenching in pain, and I just couldn't think right. When I prayed and begged the Lord to help me, I felt alone, like the world had crumbled around me. All I could do was clean, wash the dishes, take stuff out of my car, rearrange, and I just couldn't sit, because sitting causes me to think. Why in thought does it make you crazy? I don't understand the depth of the mind, it's as though it is the battleground that sabotages the happiness of yourself. In the past, I have sabotaged the good things in my life. My mind was the enemy, and it still is apparently, it goes in a whirlwind of exterior things that are delusional. The delusion of the mind can play tricks on you. It's very concerning. All I can ask is, is it the past experiences of things that cause the mind to get out of control? While I am thinking all these things, the words that are being typed, I wonder what a counselor would say? How do they approach individuals who struggle with the mind of someone who thinks too much? I suppose the best thing is to keep moving and create a space where you do things to keep from sitting and thinking too much. 

Last night when I was in thought and it was going so out of control that my stomach was sick, I couldn't think of anything else but to pray. While praying to Jesus, I stood at the kitchen sink silently weeping, hoping my daughter didn't hear me. The prayers at the speed of 123, 123, 123, 123. Over and over again, I summoned the Holy Spirit to cover my mind, to cover the brain cells, the chemicals that were intertwining within the fibers of my brain. I wanted the thoughts of something terrible to stop, and hoping they would disappear; the feeling of, "I know it", "I felt it", but was it real? At the end of processing myself and reevaluating my thoughts and how I was feeling, my mind settled down. My body started to feel less anxious, less stressed, and less mindful. I felt relief, I felt as though the enemy fled from me and I could breathe again. It was then I thought, I have to keep moving in prayer, I know the mind is a terrible place especially when a good thing in your life is there. My Texas is my dopamine, my serotonin, I realize this and I need to get my mind in check again. I don't know why the feelings of defeat are upon me, and I am just anxious. I feel helpless, and I need to be strong, I have to gain momentum again and set aside the uncertainty of what the future holds with another person. First of all, it shouldn't be an issue, life is built on how things come together, whether it be the forces of nature or the way we live. 

I will need to get myself a counselor for the rest of the year and beyond, I will be delving into a life of commitment, a life that consists of reading and filling my brain with a goal in mind. In my mind, I want to hold the current friendship through this commitment, but I am afraid to do it. I'm afraid because I might lose the friendship through the goal I'm aiming for. I suppose that is what it takes, trusting that the way is going to be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I have to have the courage to move forward, to set aside some things in my life, and know in my heart that sometimes when things in life come together it is the foundation that is being built. I am always reminded of this, "Take courage in yourself, take courage, and do not fear..."

Thinking too Much Can Destroy a Good Thing

In the last week, my mind has been so crazy. I do not know why the mind has to think too much. So the last few weeks my mind has just been in a frenzy of thoughts, I don't know why? Maybe, because of my insecurities. I hate that I have insecurities, I hate that I don't feel like I have any trust in the one person I love. The other day, I felt so bad that I neglected to communicate with my friend, my lover man Texas. I know we are friends who love experiences together, and we are friends who enjoy being with each other and respect one another, I respect him as someone who has feelings. Even though he doesn't want to admit he does, I know he does. Anyway, it is Sunday and my daughter who loves to attend the evening services of church, let me know that she wants to participate in that evening. I was obliged to do so and go with her. So we went together, it takes me a while to want to go to church, but I do. However, as a confession, my mind was battling the whole service of the thoughts of Texas. Because I turned my phone to airplane mode. While I was in church, all I thought of was him, and I was hoping he knew that I was in church, because I didn't relay the message to him that I was going to be in church with my daughter.

The feeling of neglecting a person bothers me. I hate that feeling of just shutting off the ones I love or the feeling of someone shutting me off. It really bothered me, I was not happy with myself. After church my daughter wanted to take me to dinner, so after church, I was anxious to get on my phone to let him know that I just got out of the church with my daughter. I saw the message on Snapchat, and on my regular phone, oh my heart sank. My mind started to race to the thoughts of "You stupid woman" you forgot to communicate to him. I immediately messaged him back and let him know that we just got out of the church, and I was about to have dinner with my daughter. He seemed a bit irritated, but I was not sure. If it was me? Or if he actually was? However, if I was him, I would've been very irritated. His response was, "I'm already eating and when you didn't respond I left cause I was hungry." I let him know that I was happy he got something to eat. Then I let him know what was going on, and what the plan was with my daughter, even though I still felt bad. I guess it's because I value the way he feels, that is if he has feelings, I'm smiling at what I just typed. I know that Texas has feelings, because I feel his love and kindness towards me, even though sometimes he can be an ass, but to me, he is a sweet ass. He is my sweet ass. 

I called him that night to hear his voice and just to let him know that we just got home. I also wanted to let him know that I was sorry for not letting him know about that evening. He seemed irritated with me, and somehow I think he didn't believe me. His response was, "It's okay, ARE WE MARRIED?" I was taken aback at the response, I said, "No, we are not, I just felt bad about it." It was then I knew, and you always know, the one person that you care so much about, is the one person you don't ever want to hurt. What I mean is that I could never want to hurt my friend whom I love very much. I suppose, what I mean is that I could never want to sneak around and lie to my friend because it would hurt me so much. Or say anything negative about him, now, in my mind, there is much negativity that I have to tell my Jesus about, and I'm smiling at what I'm typing. But, it usually disappears after a day or two, and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. The next day, I had to explain how I felt about us, our friendship, and how I felt about unintentionally blocking our conversations for just an hour, but I should've let him know what the plan was with my daughter because I didn't want him to worry about me and our friendship. I let him know that I value him as a friend of mine, I value who he is because, after all, we will have known each other for a whole year. His response was unexpected to me because he is not a feely smooshy kind of man. But he let me know that he appreciated me, and appreciated my message to him. I know that he is a beautiful man, he really is, I may have outrageous thoughts that go off the deep end, but he is my friend. I am not sure how I will feel when he is gone, when friendships that I develop over time and then we don't communicate for a long time, it seems that we can pick up where we left off. I believe, that even though we may be disconnected in the future, we will always pick up where we left off. I love you Texas, always. You are my sweet sexy ass that will never leave my mind. Even if I tried, I know you wouldn't allow it.

The Story of a Fifty Something Year Old Navajo Woman

It's 4:00 am in the morning, I lay in bed thinking that I need to get up. But, I hit the snooze button and slept for 30 min. By this time I have to get up and greet the morning, it's hard to get up and start the day and make your bed. I do it anyway, I look at my phone and my Texas man Snapchatted me last night and missed it because I was asleep. This week was a bizarre week for me, last week was a bit better than this week. I felt normal before, but now, not that great. Yesterday, driving home from work, my mind was in a whirlwind. I am not sure why my stomach was in knots, am I getting delusional about everything in my life? Not sure if it's because of the extra stress that is on me this week? Or if the knots in my belly are telling me there is something wrong and am I going to be humiliated by the one man I think is my friend? I haven't eaten at all this week because of the deepening stress of the unknown. Is there something that he is keeping from me? When I feel like this I try to overcome it and move on from this awful feeling, I pray to God to reveal whatever it is that is making me feel this way.

I sat in my car in front of my home crying and sobbing in prayer talking to Jesus to take this feeling away. The pit of my stomach is twisted in knots and the feeling of betrayal is deep. I am not sure if Jesus had that same feeling in the pit of His stomach when he was weeping at Gethsemane before the Romans took Him away. It was then the revelation of Judas's kiss on the cheek revealed the betrayal as the Romans arrested Jesus. Jesus knows what betrayal feels like, maybe, it is one of those things that we all have. It's like a curse to have that feeling of sickening feeling. The last time I had this feeling was when my ex-husband was seeing someone else. I knew it, and for some reason, he kept it from me and I believe it was to protect the woman he was seeing. I understand, then at the same time, I don't. If a man is protecting a woman from another woman, just tell the woman you're with the truth so she can move on. It's that simple. I hate to be the one who is the idiot who hangs around to the end of the relationship that is going to end when they leave.

I would rather not continue this thing I agreed to, and then stop. Because this feeling really sucks. I fell in love with this guy and we did have an agreement when we met that it was going to be this way. I really don't want to continue if this feeling of sickness continues and he is not honest with me. Friends don't treat friends this way. When he leaves, I will leave too, I will heal as I have always done. But, I would rather do it now. I don't want to be friends with a man who thinks he has another woman who he can use as a prop when he is lonely while he finds a woman to fuck. There is also the list of women friends this guy has that reach out to him every day, it's so cool, not. The women are his friends and he gets calls from them every day, he is constantly saying, they call for dating advice and they always want his opinion. He raises them up to get them going, to make sure they are living well. His intention is to have me as part of his list of stupid women who are dumb and lonely and not independent enough to do it on their own. I would rather not be one of those stupid women. No contact after this shit show is done and he will be another memory like the rest. On his part, he did his job and he can get over it like it was another normal day. 

Some things are good, and days can be just good, depending on the person you're with. To have a friend is to be honest and true to them. at least that is what I think a friend is supposed to be. I do wear my love on my sleeves, especially when I spend a large amount of time with someone. I want to explain myself of what exactly a woman I have become. I thank my ex-husband for making me this way, it really is the way that I have always lived. When a friend lies to me or a man who is a lover of mine becomes friends with me, then eventually betrays me, I eliminate them from my life, there is no going back at all. I have an explicit action that engages no contact from them. It will be as if I have fallen off the face of the earth and never was known in their lives. Sometimes, it doesn't happen quickly, in the past there has been a few that have come back into my life, but I was drunk, so it was easy to trick me. I am sober now, it is easy for me to shut down people out of my life without any form of contact. Plus, I am a hard-headed woman and that is a plus for me. I particularly don't like to put up with people who play kind to me have their way with me and lie to me while we're friends. In my world, the lonely defiant, hard-pressed woman comes out. I suppose it is good because if the garbage of unkind, unloyal, dishonest people is in my life now, I can discard them unequivocally and it will help me grow beautifully. As long as they are completely out of my life. I can look forward to breathing again and gaining the strength to live and endure. Then somewhere down the road, I'll do it all over again. This is the story of a 50-something-year-old single Navajo woman, it's good to be me. 

I Don't Think Delusional, But He Thinks I Am

When the tides are broken it tends to be weird and strange. Last night, I confessed my deepest inner secretive feelings, words that may have sounded delusional but they were true. In the moment when I told him, I felt free from the grips of fear and felt the solitude of contentment. Texan, didn't say much, and I know that of him. This is what makes him who he is, just a beautiful, wonderful man. There are some things you can tell a man and some things you would rather not. Last night I had to confess what I have held all these months that I have known him. Some of the things that were said were, "I cry about you every day, and when you leave I will cry even more." I could not keep the confessions in, "When I love someone, I get this sick feeling in my stomach, and when they leave it gets worse where I can't eat and when I do, I can't keep it in." The feelings of things that happen to me continue to be spoken as how I am when I fall in love. His response was, "That's not good. Don't do that." Then in response, "I get depressed, but it's a depression that only lasts a few months and then I will be good again." He stayed silent, and in those few moments, I don't think he wanted to know. I don't think he wanted to believe it was my deepest confession that I was feeling for him. In my heart, I knew that I needed to tell him because in all my life I have never met a man like him. I know that I will love Texas till the day that I die and when he leaves, I will let him go knowing that he was the greatest love of my life. I will forever have beautiful memories tucked away in my mind and in my heart. When I continue to live on this earth, I will eventually die, but I know that I will die knowing that I have loved very deeply and very true, and I will pass away content with the life I lived. I am thankful he is in my life, and I am thankful he will be forever. This is the deepest confession of a single 50-something-year-old woman. 

Days Go By So Fast!

It's Sunday, it's the day before the BIG Monday. So last week, the weather caused damage to our office building, so we are not allowed back until further notice. We have to work from home, I know some love working at home. I like balance in my work life, but I think working strictly remotely is something I need to get used to. You never know I will have those days when I will have to work remotely, especially when I travel out of town. You never know when I will have to do that in the future months, I suppose I am preparing for the unknown. This fall is going to be weird and crazy, for me, it will be emotional and weird. My boyfriend will be moving on with his job, and I will have to stay behind, although, I wish sometimes in my mind I'd run away with him. However, sometimes, it doesn't work out that way. You never know with relationships, it can change on a dime, how can anyone know? I know one thing, when he leaves I will be very sad. My demeanor will be low, and I will struggle to put on a happy face. I think I will take the time to cry in a dark room curled up in a ball, praying, talking to Jesus, and crying. Sometimes when I am so sad and depressed I tend to not eat, my tummy gets twisted in knots and I cry a lot. It sucks. But it's part of the process of carrying on with a so-called normal life, I hate the thought of not having him just down the road. I hate the thought of not getting text messages of "I'll be home in 20 minutes", or "I just got off work wanna have dinner?" I love knowing he is there, that he is there close enough to drive to him and love him. I really dread the next couple of months of him leaving. There are days that I already cry when I'm alone, whether it's when I'm driving, or I am alone at home sitting in my recliner. 

One of my thoughts is getting involved with the gym and utilizing my membership, especially when it is just next door to my work. Save money on trips to see Texas if we are still a thing when he is working. I know that he will be back to visit and he has invited me to visit him where he's from, I should be excited to know that there are going to be continued interactions. It's just the unknown of how things are going to be, long-distance relationships can be difficult and a challenge. I suppose that's what makes a relationship strong. I need the hard in my life to grow, I need to know that I can make it through this journey. Just like other journeys in my life, for example, my degree journey. I didn't think that I could make it because I lacked confidence. I have to admit that during my degree process of completing my journey, there were times when I wanted to quit. However, I didn't quit, I had encouragement to keep on and finish. I prayed really hard every day, I admit there were times that it was a struggle to power through, however, I am so happy it was completed. I suppose relationships are that way too, we power through everything, and we grow together in more ways than one. No one relationship is perfect, it has its moments, there will be days when we will forget one another, and then all of a sudden we might just miss each other deeply. I am not sure how he is going to be when he leaves. I don't know if he will continue to want me or need me. That is the unknown of the other side, how does the other one feel? How are they going to approach this thing, and am I really gonna be welcomed to his place in Texas? Several questions in my deepening mind, I hate it when I think. It's too much. 

As these days tend to pass by like midsts in the ocean, I continue to wonder about the unknown. What does it look like in a year or two, will I still have my friend, my soul mate till then or will it be longer than that. My tears just fall when I type my thoughts of him, the way he is when he talks like a cold person, but at the same time, it's so attractive and so funny. Listening to his stories, experiences in life, his day at work, how his day was, and then always asking me how my day was. He is a genuine man, even though he says he isn't, I miss him every day, true story, I miss I'm every day. Since the first time we met, the days of knowing one another have gone by quickly, like there is not enough time to be with him, the more I get to know him and be with him, the more the days pass by so quickly. I didn't think I would be able to see the day that we would make it a year of being together. In the time we have spent time with one another and me loving him with all that I have in me, I wish every day I had met him when he first got here. I would've loved to have been in a longer thing with him, or at least grown with him longer. I suppose it's better this way, just because maybe the way I was when I met him was better than if I were to have met him earlier. He just had to meet other women who were more demanding than me. In my mind, my hope is, and it is crazy, I hope I am the best woman he has ever had. My mind is weird, but I do hope that... only time will tell, yeah right. I know on my end... he is the only man who changed my life. Something, I never thought of, the thought of a man entering my life and changing it for the better, to know that relationships are not that bad. For now, I pray for our lives in the coming months. I love you Texas, and I love you now. 

It's One Of Those Days In Thought

It's Saturday, and the last few days have been the change in weather. The wind and then the lightning and rain were all exciting. I ended my week with work at home and trying to make it to the end of a Friday, it was perfect. My kids requested Navajo Tacos, they love my chili beans that I make with fry bread, and we seldom have Navajo Tacos. However, last night it was a measure of happiness that I thoroughly enjoyed. I also informed my boyfriend of the feast that I was going to prepare, of course, he wanted some of my fry bread and chili beans too. It makes me happy that he loves what I cook, did I tell you he's an excellent cook too! He makes the best steaks and the best chicken alfredo. He's impressive, I like that in a man, I love it when men know how to make a good steak. My ex-hubby was an okay cook, but he was not sober, this guy is sober and likes to check out new foods to make. He follows recipes to the tee, sometimes I wish I worked out there with them just so I could have his cooking. Lucky bastards... anyway, for him to love my cooking is a relief to me. I remember the first time I made Navajo Tacos for him. Actually, I offered to make him dinner the first week we dated. He wanted to get a hotel room to have the feast, but hotel stays are expensive. I let him know, I don't need a hotel room to stay at and feed you?  He did not want me to come to his trailer where he lived, later I found out that he avoided women to have them know where he stayed. I guess he didn't want crazy women lurking around his place. I think he thought this one was one of them. Definitely, something to be aware of, I generally do not allow men to know where I live. However, there are some exceptions, in the past, there was a man who would come to my place. But it was nothing special, just the maintenance men fixing shit at my home. Actually, they still come over... I am smiling, because I think I'm funny. So back to my story of my man, he ended up having me over, and I got to meet his beautiful sweet girl, his dog. It was nerve-wracking for me because the last time I made dinner for a man was in 2014. He was the most terrible man I have ever met in my life, I wish I never met him, I wish I wasn't a stupid woman at that time. But everything is good now and he is just something that should have never happened. Today, there is a man who makes me better, and I think he likes me? Nah, I believe that he likes me. When I was in his home, there we were, he sat down, and I had everything together in a bag to set out the feast for him. Mind you, he has a very small quaint trailer just for him and his cat and dog. It's really a nice place to be alone in. However, that night he wasn't, so he eats and he eats, and I am sitting there watching him eat. I asked him, "How is it?" His response is, "It's really good, I like the bread." He also said, "The chili beans are really good too." Before I knew what to bring, I brought everything that I like to put on Navajo Tacos, again, not thinking that he was different than me, he let me know that he doesn't like onions tomatoes, or olives. This was totally a surprise, so I had to take back the extra that night. Then after dinner we consummated, like vicious animals, I'm laughing out loud at this entry. I had a beautiful night that night, and his belly was full, I love it when a man's belly is full and satisfied. Been a long time since I made a good meal for a man again. 

Later, not too long ago, he told me that I was the only woman who'd ever been in his trailer besides his cleaning lady. He really made me feel special like I was his person. That's the best feeling in the world, to feel like someone's person. Today, I can open the door to his trailer without knocking, and I can clean up for him without him telling me to leave it alone. It makes me feel like I exist for something, little things like that make me happy. I don't mind doing things for Texas, he works long hours at work and travels a lot, and he deserves to be treated good. I suppose for me it's important to treat a man good, I grew up knowing that, watching my mother take care of my dad. He was a hard-working man who was treated like a king in our home. My mother always woke up at 4 o'clock every morning to make coffee for herself and then made extra fresh coffee for my dad. She would make him breakfast make his lunch kiss him goodbye and tell him she loved him. My dad always left away "loved", because my mom made sure he knew he was "loved". Then when he came home from work, she always had dinner waiting for him or always made sure I made the dinner for all of us. She was the woman who showed me how to really love a man. I guess when I meet a man and when they allow me into their space to do things for him, I always remember how my mom lived for my dad, how much she appreciated him, and how much she loved him. I have always wanted that duty, I suppose I do things for Texas because of how I was raised and what I saw. I miss my mom, and I miss the times I'd watch a beautiful woman love my dad so eloquently. I want that too... 

Feely Shitty Stuff

It's no surprise when you spend so much time with a person, in my case a man. You generate feelings, at first it's scary but at the same time it's beautiful. I am in love with this man who I've been seeing for a while now, it will be a year that we have been dating. A whole YEAR! What? When I think about it, it amazes me. I don't want it to end. Texas makes me happy, he definitely is my other home. I love it when he corrects me when he leads when he tells me what to do, I've always wanted this kind of control in my life. Texas does not like feely shitty stuff, he is dominant, kind, sexy, fearless, direct, and oh my God... intelligent. He is younger than me, but he is so smart to direct me to living correctly in certain situations. Saving toward goals in life, to take that extra in life to make things happen. Currently, I have a goal, with my work, to set a priority of making things flow in my schedule. This way, I can start on my Doctorate degree. This was one of my go-to's to Texas, I had to make a decision and talk it out with someone who could give direction. He was mindful of the details currently going on in my life; the new career of case management. It was a breath of fresh air to have someone not judge me or belittle me in making a decision to continue with another degree. Texas makes me feel like a woman who can do anything. Something I have never had in a relationship is the uplifting encouragement and the belief in someone that they can do it. When he tells me that he is proud of me, something inside of me believes it. It's important to me, to feel confident in my life, also very important is the fact to have a partner who instills that in me. I try to let him know from time to time that I adore him, and I do. 

I mention feely shitty stuff, I definitely have stars in my eyes when I look at him. Okay, now here we go on the feely shitty stuff. Texas in my eyes is a beautiful man. GRRRRR, the way he talks, and the sound of his voice drive me crazy. He is the epitome of the most enticing male figure subjected to, the fantasy of romanticizing scenes of the unknown with eyes hypnotizing you to explore the sensuality of the human touch. I can't explain who this man is... I will add that his eyes are the sensual part of him. I remember the first time we were intimate, it was new to me, I had never had a man tell me to look at his eyes. Especially during intimacy, he wanted my eyes to pierce into his. I think it was to be one with him, I couldn't understand it, it was new for a man to direct me to do so. After that, I knew I would be in trouble, trouble in love. When I look into his eyes, I see many things about him, it's things that make me want him more; I don't think I can explain it, but he's pretty extraordinary. There are times when his eyes will turn color. He has those amazing hazel green eyes, and then another minute he has bluish beautiful eyes like the ocean. I love his eyes, can't get enough of them, I also love the stance he has, his posture when he leans against his door and smokes his cigarette. The way he holds his cigarette to smoke it and the way he releases the smoke from his mouth. I examine him in a relevant way, everything about him is wonderful, I'm so obsessed with him. The thing about me and him is that we have a growing understanding of each other. As he puts it, we are learning from each other, for me, he is teaching me to be more open to explaining myself and not keep it in. When someone says, you need to tell me, or let me know when you are bothered by something, let me know and we can talk about it. Who says that? In all my life of meeting and being with men, none has been as enduring as this man I know now. When I am with him, I'd go to the ends of the world with him, his voice captures me, and his presence is pure. I often pray to God to give me love to love him, the same love I give to my kids I pray for him. I love Texas in more ways than one, I think I loved my ex-husband well, but not as much as I love this Texas. 

So there is an obsession in me, maybe it seems like after reading this that it is a phase of feelings. It might be a phase, but it seems that it would last forever, and deep inside of me, I want it to last forever and not stop. What is forever? To me, forever is something that lasts only while we live on earth. I don't want to live forever alone on earth, I want it to be Texas. In a spiritual sense, I know we are going to live eternally together, if I left today, I would be on the other side waiting patiently for him to live eternally with him. In my heart and mind, I see us that way. I suppose it's his eyes that drew me in to believe such marvelous things. I hope I will keep writing this way forever about Texas. I hope that a year from now it will be the same writing about him as it is today.