It's One Of Those Days In Thought

It's Saturday, and the last few days have been the change in weather. The wind and then the lightning and rain were all exciting. I ended my week with work at home and trying to make it to the end of a Friday, it was perfect. My kids requested Navajo Tacos, they love my chili beans that I make with fry bread, and we seldom have Navajo Tacos. However, last night it was a measure of happiness that I thoroughly enjoyed. I also informed my boyfriend of the feast that I was going to prepare, of course, he wanted some of my fry bread and chili beans too. It makes me happy that he loves what I cook, did I tell you he's an excellent cook too! He makes the best steaks and the best chicken alfredo. He's impressive, I like that in a man, I love it when men know how to make a good steak. My ex-hubby was an okay cook, but he was not sober, this guy is sober and likes to check out new foods to make. He follows recipes to the tee, sometimes I wish I worked out there with them just so I could have his cooking. Lucky bastards... anyway, for him to love my cooking is a relief to me. I remember the first time I made Navajo Tacos for him. Actually, I offered to make him dinner the first week we dated. He wanted to get a hotel room to have the feast, but hotel stays are expensive. I let him know, I don't need a hotel room to stay at and feed you?  He did not want me to come to his trailer where he lived, later I found out that he avoided women to have them know where he stayed. I guess he didn't want crazy women lurking around his place. I think he thought this one was one of them. Definitely, something to be aware of, I generally do not allow men to know where I live. However, there are some exceptions, in the past, there was a man who would come to my place. But it was nothing special, just the maintenance men fixing shit at my home. Actually, they still come over... I am smiling, because I think I'm funny. So back to my story of my man, he ended up having me over, and I got to meet his beautiful sweet girl, his dog. It was nerve-wracking for me because the last time I made dinner for a man was in 2014. He was the most terrible man I have ever met in my life, I wish I never met him, I wish I wasn't a stupid woman at that time. But everything is good now and he is just something that should have never happened. Today, there is a man who makes me better, and I think he likes me? Nah, I believe that he likes me. When I was in his home, there we were, he sat down, and I had everything together in a bag to set out the feast for him. Mind you, he has a very small quaint trailer just for him and his cat and dog. It's really a nice place to be alone in. However, that night he wasn't, so he eats and he eats, and I am sitting there watching him eat. I asked him, "How is it?" His response is, "It's really good, I like the bread." He also said, "The chili beans are really good too." Before I knew what to bring, I brought everything that I like to put on Navajo Tacos, again, not thinking that he was different than me, he let me know that he doesn't like onions tomatoes, or olives. This was totally a surprise, so I had to take back the extra that night. Then after dinner we consummated, like vicious animals, I'm laughing out loud at this entry. I had a beautiful night that night, and his belly was full, I love it when a man's belly is full and satisfied. Been a long time since I made a good meal for a man again. 

Later, not too long ago, he told me that I was the only woman who'd ever been in his trailer besides his cleaning lady. He really made me feel special like I was his person. That's the best feeling in the world, to feel like someone's person. Today, I can open the door to his trailer without knocking, and I can clean up for him without him telling me to leave it alone. It makes me feel like I exist for something, little things like that make me happy. I don't mind doing things for Texas, he works long hours at work and travels a lot, and he deserves to be treated good. I suppose for me it's important to treat a man good, I grew up knowing that, watching my mother take care of my dad. He was a hard-working man who was treated like a king in our home. My mother always woke up at 4 o'clock every morning to make coffee for herself and then made extra fresh coffee for my dad. She would make him breakfast make his lunch kiss him goodbye and tell him she loved him. My dad always left away "loved", because my mom made sure he knew he was "loved". Then when he came home from work, she always had dinner waiting for him or always made sure I made the dinner for all of us. She was the woman who showed me how to really love a man. I guess when I meet a man and when they allow me into their space to do things for him, I always remember how my mom lived for my dad, how much she appreciated him, and how much she loved him. I have always wanted that duty, I suppose I do things for Texas because of how I was raised and what I saw. I miss my mom, and I miss the times I'd watch a beautiful woman love my dad so eloquently. I want that too... 

Feely Shitty Stuff

It's no surprise when you spend so much time with a person, in my case a man. You generate feelings, at first it's scary but at the same time it's beautiful. I am in love with this man who I've been seeing for a while now, it will be a year that we have been dating. A whole YEAR! What? When I think about it, it amazes me. I don't want it to end. Texas makes me happy, he definitely is my other home. I love it when he corrects me when he leads when he tells me what to do, I've always wanted this kind of control in my life. Texas does not like feely shitty stuff, he is dominant, kind, sexy, fearless, direct, and oh my God... intelligent. He is younger than me, but he is so smart to direct me to living correctly in certain situations. Saving toward goals in life, to take that extra in life to make things happen. Currently, I have a goal, with my work, to set a priority of making things flow in my schedule. This way, I can start on my Doctorate degree. This was one of my go-to's to Texas, I had to make a decision and talk it out with someone who could give direction. He was mindful of the details currently going on in my life; the new career of case management. It was a breath of fresh air to have someone not judge me or belittle me in making a decision to continue with another degree. Texas makes me feel like a woman who can do anything. Something I have never had in a relationship is the uplifting encouragement and the belief in someone that they can do it. When he tells me that he is proud of me, something inside of me believes it. It's important to me, to feel confident in my life, also very important is the fact to have a partner who instills that in me. I try to let him know from time to time that I adore him, and I do. 

I mention feely shitty stuff, I definitely have stars in my eyes when I look at him. Okay, now here we go on the feely shitty stuff. Texas in my eyes is a beautiful man. GRRRRR, the way he talks, and the sound of his voice drive me crazy. He is the epitome of the most enticing male figure subjected to, the fantasy of romanticizing scenes of the unknown with eyes hypnotizing you to explore the sensuality of the human touch. I can't explain who this man is... I will add that his eyes are the sensual part of him. I remember the first time we were intimate, it was new to me, I had never had a man tell me to look at his eyes. Especially during intimacy, he wanted my eyes to pierce into his. I think it was to be one with him, I couldn't understand it, it was new for a man to direct me to do so. After that, I knew I would be in trouble, trouble in love. When I look into his eyes, I see many things about him, it's things that make me want him more; I don't think I can explain it, but he's pretty extraordinary. There are times when his eyes will turn color. He has those amazing hazel green eyes, and then another minute he has bluish beautiful eyes like the ocean. I love his eyes, can't get enough of them, I also love the stance he has, his posture when he leans against his door and smokes his cigarette. The way he holds his cigarette to smoke it and the way he releases the smoke from his mouth. I examine him in a relevant way, everything about him is wonderful, I'm so obsessed with him. The thing about me and him is that we have a growing understanding of each other. As he puts it, we are learning from each other, for me, he is teaching me to be more open to explaining myself and not keep it in. When someone says, you need to tell me, or let me know when you are bothered by something, let me know and we can talk about it. Who says that? In all my life of meeting and being with men, none has been as enduring as this man I know now. When I am with him, I'd go to the ends of the world with him, his voice captures me, and his presence is pure. I often pray to God to give me love to love him, the same love I give to my kids I pray for him. I love Texas in more ways than one, I think I loved my ex-husband well, but not as much as I love this Texas. 

So there is an obsession in me, maybe it seems like after reading this that it is a phase of feelings. It might be a phase, but it seems that it would last forever, and deep inside of me, I want it to last forever and not stop. What is forever? To me, forever is something that lasts only while we live on earth. I don't want to live forever alone on earth, I want it to be Texas. In a spiritual sense, I know we are going to live eternally together, if I left today, I would be on the other side waiting patiently for him to live eternally with him. In my heart and mind, I see us that way. I suppose it's his eyes that drew me in to believe such marvelous things. I hope I will keep writing this way forever about Texas. I hope that a year from now it will be the same writing about him as it is today. 

Dear Sweetheart

Dear Asshole, 

This is a letter to the man who changed my life. Before I met you, my life was normal: living the mom life and dating random guys. I searched many guys to find you, at least that is what it feels like. I know you hate soppy-feely shit, that is what I love about you. I remember the first time I met you, I admit that I replay it in my head many times a day. I think to myself of the "What if's", for example, what if I never responded to the Tinder match? I've mentioned to you before that I do not subscribe and pay monthly dues to dating apps like most people do. Of course, you do... ANYWAYS! Back to my story, oh yes, I was reflecting on the "What ifs ", just to paint a picture of what my time looked like when I was on Tinder. I suppose many out there do the same thing; lay in bed, sit on their couch, and just scroll. That was me, I am scrolling through Tinder and I come across your profile, at this point I am just looking for a man to have a casual encounter with and maybe never see him again. OR, I might be lucky to have a friend with benefits. That was my usual goal, so, I saw your profile and I am looking at your profile, just examining how much I might like being close to you. Maybe it might be a good match, I tell myself, "Oh hell, why not, I am going to just see if we match," Low and behold... we have a match! The celebration on the app tells me that you are interested in me too! Cause, if the app celebrates victory, then it means you're interested. Anywho, I think I will send a message, and this is my usual message, "Hello, how are you?" Then all of a sudden there is a response! So fast, I thought, then we message each other. On my end, I start out kinda bored, but, then you start to appear very interesting. You were so interested in who I was, asking me questions about my tribe and just being all fascinated about me. Then it switched up, because, during our messages back and forth, you asked me, "What are you looking for on this site." I think that is what you asked? I admit I am not 100% sure, I responded with no holding back, "To be honest, I am looking for sex, I just want to have sex." I was pretty blunt about it, thinking that this was going to be a casual encounter and I wouldn't see this man again! In my mind men here on this app, they're all the same... They're on here to find a good lay and that's it. No love, no relationship, no feely shitty romantic time, just use the bitch and go on with life to find another bitch. I was there too, I wanted to be a few steps ahead.

So, the response was good on your end, I really can't recall if you were surprised, or thankful that you found someone to play with? I read on your profile that you were traveling through, in my mind I thought this was going to be a very quick encounter, however, to my surprise, it was not going to be quick. You wasted no time in wanting to meet me, I admit, I was up to it. I think we messaged for 2-3 days. In those times I had no idea that you received notifications of where I was actually from, I laugh at this because on my profile it said I lived in Loma when I really lived somewhere else (I never indicate where I actually live). Tinder notifications of location snitched me out. I am smiling while I'm typing this to you. So, we agreed to meet on a Tuesday evening after you get off work. I agreed to the meeting, and you asked me where I wanted to meet, not thinking of where you actually were staying. I stated, "Hey, let's meet at Starbucks on North Ave?" You were like, "Where?" I was thinking, This guy... So I explained the location of Starbucks on North Ave. You told me about what time you were going to be there, as I recall it was at 7:30 pm because you let me know that you get home at 6:30 or so to take care of your dog. I thought to myself, I am going to be there at 7:25 pm, maybe earlier. When I got there, I was waiting for you, I sat in my vehicle and messaged you that I was at Starbucks. By the way, just so you know, I had it in my mind that if the guy I was seeing before you were to message me that evening, I was going to cancel. I know that's shitty, but that was who I was, I didn't want to be played, I wanted to be two steps ahead to play the guy (Because I believed all men were players). There were men who I've met that did that to me, I don't like that. So, not knowing entirely who you were, I had my guard up.

I waited and messaged you, I actually thought you were sitting inside the shop. A guy was sitting in the corner with his laptop and he looked like you, he smiled at me. I thought, NA! That ain't him. Then you messaged me, "I don't think I am at the right place?" Of course, dumb me thought you knew where places were in Grand Junction! Uh... Diana, hello, this man is from Texas and he doesn't know this place. So, I remembered directing you to where I was. I let you know that I was inside sitting, and then you arrived. I was relieved you made it to where I was. I remember the first time I saw you, you were tall and very construction-like, and I was mesmerized by who you were. In my mind, all I thought of was I hope I don't look bad. I didn't want you to be disappointed in my features, my skin tone, and the size of my body. Mostly, my body was a concern. But, you came to me and gave me a hug. I have never met a man who just comes up to a woman and gives a warm hug. Maybe, it was at that moment when I felt a bit of a home in you. You led the way to the counter to buy me coffee, and we decided to sit outside. I remember the spot where we sat, that night there was a baseball game going on across the street at Stoker Stadium. I listened to your voice, I looked into your eyes, then I realized you were a smoker. But, it didn't bother me, I don't know why? It just didn't bother me. You made me laugh, I saw your smile, and it was a wonderful evening, we stayed talking outside of Starbucks till they closed. I remembered you touched my hand, and then you touched my leg. You were so warm, when you and I walked toward our vehicles, you held my hand while we were walking, then you asked me, or I let you know it was okay to kiss me. You were so thankful, I remembered the first time I kissed you. My body was so happy, I loved the way you kissed, you are a really good kisser. We held onto each other in the parking lot, you wouldn't let go of me. We got a bit spicy outside near your truck, you teased me and made me laugh. I looked at you in awe, like I was in trouble. I am not sure, but I believe I fell in love with you that night. I was kind of scared, but I told myself, this is just a short-term deal and we will cut it short and he'll be gone. 

After that night, we saw each other week after week, night after night, then you'd go home to Texas to do family things, then return back to Colorado. We really got to know each other, you know I am a different woman who leaves men alone and doesn't chase them. I live my life and you live yours, you know that I get jealous, and I know you hate liars. The only thing that I lied to you about, was the times I told you that when you leave, I wasn't going to miss you. That was a lie. Because I miss you every day sweetheart. I hope, if you ever read this, you know that you are the only man in my life who loved me, and I know you loved me. Do not try to deny it, you did love me, as I loved you deeply. You have brought out of me the woman I thought I wasn't, but you believed in me, it means a lot when a man believes in a woman. In my wildest dreams, you were just something I never deserved. Thank you so much for being a part of my life, even though you are an asshole. I love you and always will. Just remember, when you leave, I am not going to be your friend. But that might change, who knows, it hurts too much to think about. Bye, baby.  

Last Night I Couldn't Sleep

Tonight I am awake and I cannot sleep, maybe it's because I had some coffee early in the evening. Last night I spent some quality time with my boyfriend, let's just say he is my boyfriend. I haven't written an entry on my blog lately, there have been some changes in my life. I have a new job and the process of trying to go back to school to get my doctorate degree. Then there is my boyfriend who I am still seeing and enjoying every minute of my time with him. The days go by quick and soon he will be gone. As fast as he appeared in my life, he would leave very quickly from my life. It is late and I am awake and can't sleep, thoughts of him are in my head. I am already weeping for him, and he hasn't left yet. I feel helpless and don't know what to do, I dread the fact that he is not going to be around anymore, I won't drive to his place anymore to hang out and make love to him. 

This blog entry will not make sense, I need to figure out what to write? I am not sure how to put things in words to state what my feelings are for him. The thing is that I didn't want to feel this way for him, it just happened. You know when you haven't had anyone in a long time and you just go through dates like it's a routine? But then you meet someone, and then it feels like home? Texas feels like home, I cannot deny it, you know what I wish? I wish Texas would love me back, in some ways I feel his love for me. Then again, I think it's nothing, I was not the same the first time I met Texas. I have found myself in so many ways, and that is exactly what he did for me. I fell in love again, but it's not like the love I experienced in past relationships, it's a different fall-in-love thing. Last night I really fell in love with him, when I look at him it's like looking at his soul. If having a soulmate is like the way I feel about him, then I don't want it to end. Sometimes, I wish life was fair, I wish it was kinda easy, and kinda compassionate. I would like to have Texas be my soulmate, to be my life, yeah it would be nice to have that kind of true love. 

I know this entry is dumb and it is crazy, but so is my heart. I am definitely not cut out to be this way, not to love, not to live as though I did have a soulmate. Do you know what the sad part is? That Texas will be a memory, like a wave in the ocean, the togetherness we have now, won't matter anymore. The way that I am feeling will eventually fade away, it will be a dream I had, and there won't be any pictures of us to say we once were. Texas is just an idea, the idea that living in the moment is what matters now. All this, the thoughts and the dread of not having Texas anymore won't exist and I will be myself again. Life goes on and dreams are lived and then forgotten. I love you Texas, you are in my memories. 

Fear Is The Substance Of Regret

So lately, it has been a busy time in my life. I am still seeing my Texas man, he is still here and he is busy these days. I miss not seeing him at times, in the beginning, it was supposed to be a thing, an arrangement of some sort. You know, sometimes when friends with benefits turn into something else? Well, it would seem that this thing that I thought was going to be not so serious in my mind, now in my mind is serious. In my heart, it seems to want to stay with him only. However, it is not that way at all, he is someone I have always avoided in my life, someone to explore with, someone who does things that only the brave experienced women do. Oh, but there is something he sparked in me. 

In the last months or so, this man has gotten me so enthralled into a web of desire. I am not sure if it's the sober being of who he is, or if it's something else. I have always wondered about our souls, what is it that makes soulmates, soulmates? I often wonder about us. Let me describe what kind of man he is, this man has a beard, and I have always loved beards on men. I just love the way it feels on my lips and on me. That is just my preference, I suppose I had a bit of a crush on Grizzly Adams when I was a little girl. So my Texas has a sexy beard, and his eyes are so intriguing. Maybe it's eyes that persuade me so much that I just want to do what he wants me to do. Okay, let me tell you about me, I love the direction in a man. I love the way the man takes charge in all situations, whether it be in life or in the bedroom. I love it when a man plans dates, tells me what to do, and gives me rules. It turns me on, there is something about a man like this, a sober man, who is just as sexy as all hell. I love submission, the thing about him is that when I first met him, he was not that way off the bat. It was subtle and keen, he was like a warrior in the bushes waiting it out to see how he could catch me. Oh yes, Texas has tattoos on his body that define who he is, and yes, he is so protective of me. Oh-My-LORD... I love his protection, he is so comforting and so strong with no fear to protect. He's furious and like a man to sweep me away from all the stress of my days. 

As a single parent, I do not like to plan, I had to take charge of everything in my life, figure things out, and possess stress that I dreaded. A man like Texas, it's a relief to my life not to worry about things, when we are together, we have our lovemaking and fun. Then afterward it's spending time to talk and get things out of our heads. We lay around and listen to music, watch YouTube music videos, and discuss. We mainly discuss silly things, like what the YouTube music video is actually about, and at times it can be sad and we cry a bit with each other. Mostly, he likes to make me cry with music videos. Our times of solitude may seem so silly and boring to most people, but we are such hermits that it fits. I don't like going out much, and he doesn't either, we like to stay in and relax with his dog and cat together in his trailer. The one thing that he got me into is wrestling, I love to watch wrestling with him, the Wrestling Mania drama that ensues on TV. The good guy and the bad guy, I love it, I love being close to him and feeling protected. 

It is weird though since I met him, we have been through a lot already. At least this is what I see on my part. In the beginning, things were smooth going, but then I was fired from my job, I was afraid to tell him about it, thinking that he was going to dump me and continue with his life with fun elsewhere. Then my van broke down at his trailer, and I had to get it moved by a towing company. My van stayed at his place for a good two days or so... mind you, we were not wanting to be called a couple at all. I did not want his buddies to think he was serious and make fun of him. Certain things have to take time to get to that point. After that, there was an accident that I had in October when I fell off my porch and dislocated my shoulder, then! I had to get surgery in December. At the beginning of the year, he really had to know me, I got jealous and we didn't speak to each other or see each other for at least two weeks or so. It seemed forever. He did not like that I got jealous and I chose not to text or bother him at all. I was going to continue life alone and without his company, it was a hard pill to swallow, because I missed him so much. But, out of the blue he texted me, and I was relieved that he didn't forget me. Then, after so many other things happening in such a short amount of time, we are still seeing each other, and I love the Snaps he sends me at night and in the morning. When he is gone I feel like a part of me is gone. Is that what it feels like? In the past months of me going through what seems like a lot, I would have thought the guy would get tired of me. It didn't happen that way, he stayed around and didn't leave me. It's impressive to me that there is that one man out of a million, maybe a billion of them that is who this guy is. Never have I ever met such a man like him, one who actually likes me, no matter what happens. 

There is this thing in my life where I wish I could tell him how much I really love him. I wish I could say the words of love that I want to tell him. To let him know that I'd give you my liver, my kidney, my heart if you needed it. Like my children, I'd die for him. It's weird to include him in with my children... My children mean the world to me, and Texas knows it too. He thinks I am a good loving mother. I love that he even includes them in our dinner dates. He wants to know how the doctor's meeting went with my daughter when she was sick. It's important to have a man to be concerned with me, to have the heart to want to know that my kids are well. I love Texas, I just wish I was not afraid to tell him how I feel. I guess I just don't want to feel stupid to tell him. It's a big deal to say those words, just like saying he is my boyfriend. That is hard to state because I am afraid to state it. However, I do state it behind his back, only because I like hearing myself say it. Fear is the substance of regret... The reality of knowing this is remarkable. Just like a doctor who reports what is on an X-ray, CT scan, or blood test. If there is a concern or an indication that is bad news they often describe it as "Remarkable."

There Is Bliss...

I am not sure how things come together to be perfect, one way or another. Sometimes the past can surprise you and it is so nice. I love the feeling of emptiness, and then the inducing presence of an old flame to fill that emptiness. One minute you're sad the next absolute bliss and satisfaction. Life can be complicated but it can also be fun. To be clear, my life is not centered on one man, I hope one day it will be, I always hope that the man who finds me so attractive does anything to want to be with me. I love the patience of a man who waits to see me, even when I have someone else in my life. It says a lot about a man, last night was all about me. This is exactly what he told me, I love that he stated that "it was all about me." We hadn't seen each other for a long time, well, it seemed like forever, since last summer. Last night we caught up in conversations about what was going on in our lives since the last time we were together. I enjoy times when a woman and a man can lay with each other and catch up. He never let go of my hand, he opened the door to my vehicle for me, he let me lay in his arms in his bed and held me tight. I have yearned for that kind of bliss. We don't see each other all the time, we are always busy working, so I suppose waiting is something I have to get used to. It's ironic that when one door closes, another door opens. I really needed him to hold me during the night, it's something my mind and my soul needed. 

I think the last time I was held in such a manner was my ex-husband, I loved being held in bed and kissing each other. It's the most romantic thing ever, to embrace and feel the warmth of lovely compassion. I don't know about other women, but it helps heal something inside, it heals a part of you that seems unbearable. The unbearable feeling is so familiar, the feeling is not fun to feel, then sometimes it can be good after having someone make it bearable and not that bad anymore. Being me is not a usual woman, I can handle almost a lot. However, there is the thing that some women have been through more trauma than I have. All I can share this morning is I am slowly getting there, and I have a friend who waits in the midst of me, patiently he waits for me, and that is a man who I really appreciate. 

When It Have Tough Days

At my age now going to be a year older soon, the things that used to be, are now what it is. Does that make sense? You can't change a thing in life that occurs, you have to let it be. There have been so many times when I didn't let it go, at the time I was an alcoholic, so my substance abuse didn't help. It made me stupid and not think soberly. Growing up is the most challenging thing in a person's life, you would think an adult would be smart enough to know that. If you take a moment to think about it, we are all children and immature in living. I am guilty of looking at people and thinking they need to grow up when in all reality I NEED TO GROW UP. Having to sit back and realize that you're the one immature judging people, also it isn't our place to judge. My son always tells me that, when I complain of Taylor Swift or Nancy Pelosi... I am smiling typing this. He lets me know by rebuking me and letting me know it's dangerous to try to sit on the throne that isn't intended for you. I love my son, but he makes me feel like a total ass, however, I really appreciate my boy. Even though he is 20 years old he is so wise and knowledgable at his young age. I pray for my son's wife, I pray for her to be the partner that will complete him 100%. It's important to do as a parent. I do the same for my daughter, I pray for her husband, my son-in-law to be a God-fearing man, a man after God's own heart, I want him to be that way so he can take care of my daughter and my grandkids. I don't want my children to be like me, alone without a life partner. I want them to have what I have always wanted. I was blessed with a marriage, but it didn't work out, however, I am thankful because I wouldn't have had my son or my daughter. 

There are a lot of lessons along the way of life, it is not easy to confess your sins, it's not easy to take the blame, and it isn't even easy to make choices to quit in life. I can tell you something about me, I am not a fighter for anyone, Meaning, men, I don't fight for men, instead I pray for them. It's a way to get through the ones left behind. It makes my life so much easier to pray for them. I pray a lot, I need to do this because the Bible tells me so. I try to read the Bible too, it helps in life to read the Book, do you remember the movie, Lonesome Dove? Gus, I love Gus, he is such a beautiful soul, and he makes my heart pitter-patter. Anyway, he is sitting by the campfire and just reading his Bible early in the morning drinking his coffee out of a tin cup. When his good friend comes up to him all riled up and unhappy, mocks him for sitting around. That Woodrow Crow is an old grumpy crow. But Gus, he's the man, has hardly any worries and he lives life like it was meant for him to live. If you haven't watched Lonesome Dove I suggest you set aside some hours and watch it, it's a good movie, or listen to the audiobook if you can't sit long enough to watch it. It amazes me that there are people out there who cannot sit too long to watch a movie! Or even sit and enjoy the scenery and the mountain air while fishing. I need to have a settled-minded person in my life, otherwise I'd go nuts! Some day, I will get what I have always wanted, in the meantime, I have to work out things for myself that I realize I need to do.

For me, it is important to measure the kind of person I am. Even after the separation of someone in my life who was there just for a brief moment. The thing about me is that I learned something about myself, and mind you, I have always tried to master the feeling of jealousy, and that is NOT BE JEALOUS. It's been a trial for me to defeat, even when I was married I was a jealous cat, I hissed at the women looking at my man, and I got ugly with my husband when he was at the bar without me. That was 24 years ago too! Even before my guy was my husband. Men are different, they seem to not get jealous, and maybe it's because they just care about the woman they are with. The last man never was jealous, it made me feel defeated that he matured more than me. Because I was the older one! Only by 2 years... aside from age, I apologize, I tend to go off in my writing. Last night, I woke up at 1:00 am in the morning and I could not go back to sleep, I sat in my bed and prayed and prayed, then I lay in my bed thinking about writing in my blog. My thoughts were, "I want to get up and write, but it's almost 2:00 am, and I need to rest." I finally laid myself to sleep, then I woke up late for work!!!! My usual time to wake up is 4:00 am in the morning. I love waking up early to sit and have my coffee and ponder, pray, and like Gus read the Good Book. But today I did not, my day is going to be a good day no matter what, I will believe that. 

So I am sitting here in my living room, drinking my coffee, admiring my life, and being thankful for being me and waking up to another day. This is what life is all about, not about money or riches, or having the finest things in life, it's about being content with what you have. Being thankful every day that you get to be alive and breathe. Listen, life isn't easy, no one said it would be. Otherwise, life would be so boring that we'd be living like zombies. Have a great day, and be thankful for today.