Times When It Feels Insane, But Beautiful...

It's been a while since I've written about my adventures and the Texan I'm seeing. It's been so nice and at times to the point where I have to hold my heart. We have an agreement to see each other until he leaves. He works in construction and that's a life he is content with, his life is traveling where he is needed. It's a perfect job for him because it's a way of life that gives him freedom; which is solitude, keeping busy, and not bored with life. He is however a great lover in my opinion, as I have stated before in my blog I have been with other men who are as equal. However, he is different, he is the kind of man who is wonderful in all areas of what I have always dreamed of. Unfortunately, he is not the man who I will spend the rest of my life with. Some may say that it's sad, but it really it isn't, I would say that Texan has empowered me to be more in life. I've learned a lot in our relationship. It has been so wonderful to be in a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin. He brought that out of me, I am no longer afraid of being in a relationship, I am no longer fearful of a broken heart if I have one. I am not concerned about when he is out and alone in his own mind. I have learned to be by myself, and I have learned to be stronger in my mental state as far as keeping cool when I know it's pissing me off. I appreciate the time I have with him, he is certainly a blessing in my life.

So many things about this man take me away, actually, he is inspiring to me. In ways that most couples really don't take into consideration. His demeanor is dominant, and his eyes are so mesmerizing when I look into his eyes they are deep into my soul. His lips are so captivating that I can't get enough of his kisses. It may sound like I am obsessed with Texan... maybe I am. I think it's better to be obsessed than to fall deeply in love with someone to the point that you know you can never have. In the way I am with this man, I know that after he leaves this area, I will never see him again. It is sad to realize, but it is also another way to grow. I do hope that in the next year, Texan will get whatever he wants in life, I hope his life is filled with the overabundance of fulfilled peace and enlightenment. He is one of a kind man, and he does care deeply, even though he acts like he doesn't. He is careful to show any kind of sweetness, I understand, and I respect his way of thinking and the way he lives his life. As a woman who might want a man who treats me like a queen, I'd rather be treated with respect and loved with gratitude and grace.

It is the first year of 2024 and so far things look good, I have goals but they are goals that are slightly different from others. Diets are not one of them, getting in shape is not one of them either. In the last year, I experienced a lot of hardships. It has been an up-and-down roller coaster for me. Since I met Texan in August, it seems to be so much struggle? I often wondered and asked, "Why?" As a human you tend to ask questions about life, another thing is why did it have to happen while I was seeing this man from Texas? Of course, he is still here seeing me in all my glory of continued hardships. Last year in 2023, I was fired from my job, my van broke down in front of his trailer, I fell off my porch and dislocated my shoulder, and had to go to the ER to get my shoulder back into place. THEN, I was told I needed surgery on my shoulder and have physical therapy for the next 4 months! Nothing prepares you for back-to-back hardships. However, for some reason, I had to go through this time of my life. Although, some good things happened within the last part of the year. I ended up getting another job and having an opportunity to grow in a company that would help me in the older years of my life. I can grow into other opportunities to help communities and grow with a team of brilliant people. It is the epitome of plans, which I believe are from God.

Another thing is that Texan didn't once judge me for what I was dealing with. We still have our intimate time together of wonderful beautiful sex. I am thankful for his way of how he sees me, he is not tired of me, at least that is the way I think. I did ask him about what he thought of me at times, I asked, "Do you ever get tired of me, or regret seeing me?" It is a question that all women ask, I think. But his response is always the same. He looks at me like I'm crazy, I love the looks he gives me, it's kinda sexy. Especially, when he directs it at me, at times he has his moments where he is harsh because he had a bad day. I make sure that he lets me know so I don't see him that way. But sometimes I have to give him a bit of relaxation to calm him down, and I love it when he calls me "Good girl." I melt like butter in his hands. A man with tattoos and a beard is one of the sexiest, good-time guys I enjoy being with. I have always loved men with beards, he is one of those men. But I have never experienced such dominance in such a way that is sexy, spicy and so exciting. In my nature, I succumb to men like him, melting into their hands to do what they want. 

Texan is intrigued by me as I am with him. We match in such a way that it is so desirable. I never knew that I would want things he initiates for me, things that a woman could never do, especially a Christian woman. By the way, I always ask for forgiveness for my indecent escapades. I have to admit, I will miss Texan, I will miss his good morning texts to me, his good night texts, his words of "text me when you get home." I have never met a man like him, a man who is almost like home to me. He was gone for Christmas and we kept in touch through texting, we always get excited when he's out of town. I like sending him nudes and risque pictures to remind him of me. There is one thing about him, I've given myself to him, in a way that I want to have all that he is going to give me. Before he leaves forever, I want to enjoy every moment with him as much as possible. It may sound like I am in love, I might be, however, I am good at unfalling in love. I have mastered that one thing in my life, and that is to unfall in love with a man. 

The Mind Can Be A Terrible Place

Lately, my blog entries have been leaned towards mental health issues. Relationships are the worst. What is it that makes relationships second-guess you? It’s often torture to the one who is starting to feel. I don’t want to feel it! I hate the fact that I have feelings that I refuse to have. It’s enviable that in any relationship, whether it be friendship, or family, or lovers, or even friends with benefits. There is a growing emotional attachment. I believe that we are created to love no matter the consequences or the choices we make. I try so hard not to have that emotional attachment. However, it’s going to happen. When two people have frequent casual sex, the flesh grows into the trap of emotion. There is a deep connection and a growing desire toward the person you are with. It’s a weird entrapment that is within us, humans are often subjected to the connection. Especially with those who are almost like yourself. A familiar kind of person who is someone else that you used to know. For me, it’s my ex-husband, I am not sure if I still miss him, but I am with someone who is almost like him, except, this guy is sober and way focused on everything. His mind blows me away, he is intellectually grounded and knows exactly what to say. I like his mind. The more and more I spend time with him, the more and more I start to engage in my mentality of thinking he’s going to leave me for someone else, or I am not attractive enough for him. I started to sabotage what I have in my life. Why do women do that? How come we sabotage this thing that is so amazing as far as being treated as a human being? Women have the minds that get fucked all the time and we ruin it. 

I am not sure why my stomach hurts when I think of Texas, it just does. Maybe it’s an emotional adjustment. I’m not sure. However, I find myself trying to sabotage this thing. I mean come on, look at the last blog I wrote. I am trying to sabotage it. But then again… see there is that still sense of thought. The thought of, “Maybe my gut feeling is true, maybe I am not wrong.” The only time I think this way is when there is a man involved, take the last guy who was the alcoholic. I was that way with him. I was constantly thinking he was with other women, probably true. Only because he drinks a lot and loves to be a dick about women in his life. I suppose the difference is the other guy who is an alcoholic and the sober man, is that the sober man is real. I know in my mind, I think at times I think kind of clearly, just not the last week or so. This last week has been bad. There is no other way to explain it. I know that life happens for a reason. I think to myself, now that I have met this guy, and then all of a sudden lost my job, and become unemployed, why is this happening with him in it? By the way, he is still hanging around, always texting me, always letting me know he is there. I appreciate him while I am trying to get myself out there in the workforce world again. This is the reason I write in my bogs, to get a sense of clarity and to make better the thinking that I have. I didn’t know that I deserved better, I didn’t know that deserving better would be in a relationship. Even though it is an oral contract of one year to be in this thing. I am learning to be in the presence of it all. However, whatever becomes will be. I just want a good life, everything that is here in my life, in the end, all I want is a good content life.

You Don't Know, But Life Can Change

I love my life, despite there are areas that make me want to give up on myself. But I fight it every day, the mind is so unbelievable. My heart, however, is constantly on guard. What is it about the mind and the heart that makes it so incredible? I know that when the mind and heart come together they work in unison. It's a team effort to live and know. One of the things that I do is pray, I pray because I need to pray. It's one of those things that comes with living. Just recently I lost my job about a week ago. I am currently unemployed. I had my time to weep and be depressed for the moment and then gathered up my thoughts and my feelings. I have never experienced being terminated from my position at a job. It was definitely an experience to be in. Nothing like starting out at the age of fifty years old. But you know there is that notion that it was meant to be, all this amount of things was meant to be. Just like the current relationship that has developed. I am second thinking again, but in the beginning, I did pray for this thing. The thing that I have with Texas. I asked God to reveal whatever there is a problem. "If You God think that I shouldn't continue this for some reason or another, and if this man is not truly a man, can you do something about it and reveal it?" This prayer I requested of Him. 

With this prayer that I most often give Him and pray to Him always is answered. The amazing thing is that He reveals the man to me just as crystal clear as the fresh rivers of Glacier, MT. That is how my God works in my life. This blog entry is not meant to preach to you, that is not my position. However, when you live, you must have a meditation and a higher entity to live with. Mine is my Heavenly Father, God, He is the only one who I count on to reveal, answer, guide, and love me. Most important is His love for me. I am waiting still in the midst of it all. Lately, my gut feelings are and seem to come to fruition. When a man is a part of your life for maybe a month or so, things tend to unravel. Why can't honesty and truthfulness be where they are in life, especially with you. Instead of hiding it all. I would be honest and tell them yes, if this is a one-year thing then that means I can continue to date whomever. Lately, I know this guy is a true asshole, just like he says, he doesn't care about me. He absolutely does not give two shits to the wind for me. I understand that, and I can deal with that. I did like his charm and his kindness to me. I haven't had that in a very long time. Things change, but I am still waiting for God to reveal the hearts of men. I am always waiting on that particular area of a man. The heart. A man's heart is a complex thing to understand, the mind is also. But you know what is not complex? God's heart, is complete, no matter where you are right now in your life, He still loves you. Because He knows that sin is something that is difficult, especially in this horrible world we live in. I am not saying by any means that I am holier than thou. I am simply saying that I can't live without that knowing. 

It does make me excited to wait and see. I am in awe of Him answering my prayers and revealing things in a mighty way. It is incredible, so when I am in a relationship, He is my true guardian to the right one. He knows more than me, He knows that I know nothing and that no one has my back, other than Him. So living this life is actually not hard to live, yes you will have those moments where there are bumpy roads, but it tends to fade. The hardships of life fade away as the fresh morning sun shines into a brilliant light that has a fresh day to enjoy. That is exactly how life is. That is how we should live. It amazes me how that happens. I love it, I love that I have options, I am a single woman who has decisions to make on my own terms with God in it. I can never forget God. In this journey of being a single woman and dating, it does get easier to recognize and let go. I love that my life at my age has come to that. To be at the age of dealing with letting go of a guy and doing it eloquently. That is my prize. Being eloquent about life, and being humble in the process without being angry or spiteful to the man. Instead, love him as he leaves after letting him go. I guess the picture that I'm painting is me having a life that will last till the end of the week. So, it is like the thing that I stated as loving them as they go from me. That meant I had my time with him, then I moved on. I loved them before the death of a week. 

This concept is kind of hard to understand because, in a woman's life, the chemistry that we have is tender. Women have feelings that extend for thousands of miles. It is crazy to fathom, but it is true. I have feelings, but I have to tame them. My daddy has always told me to not go by feelings, but go by knowing. Be knowledgeable in life, the only time we should feel is when we are physically hurt with tormentil pain. This has been embedded into my brain, it has taken this long to be knowledgeable in exactly what that means. I have come to the conclusion now that taming my feelings is of the utmost importance in my life. Feelings are the culprit in not living the best life possible. I am not a psychologist, but I am a woman who has lived through plenty of bullshit to sniff out the ones that don't smell like roses. In time, we all learn, and everything always comes to fruition. That is my take on my journey as a fifty-year-old woman, let's live life eloquently and not forget God in it because He is the only one Who actually has your back. 

I Keep It As Treasures In My Mind

I can't sleep, however, I am better than I was the last two days ago though. Things happen in a short amount of time, but it does get better. I am looking forward to a good vacation, it is what I need to start all over again. There will be struggles, however, the positive thing is there is no rush. Tonight I couldn't sleep. I was lying in bed thinking of the only man I currently know. It has become a problem, nothing bad, it's just I have come to a point in my month dating with Texas, that I am becoming a bit attached. In a way, it is nice to know that I have feelings that are genuine. You know, it is true that when a woman has not been treated like a queen, she questions the attention. I did, and I do at times still question the nice things that Texas does for me. It is so crazy to have a mind like that. Texas texts me good morning messages, and tonight I was wondering if I was going to see him, but it didn't happen. The thing is, he doesn't have to do anything for me, except ask me to come over to his place and I am happy. He did text me, good night sweetheart.

Our nights are lying in bed after an escapades of good sex, I have to explain. Afterward, we lay in bed and I have the pleasure of listening to him talk to me. To watch him smoke his cigarettes by his doorway and kiss him from time to time. Being close to him is all I want from him. I guess it's because I have already grown a bit into something that seems nice. It's contentment that is perfect. Now, I seem to want to be as close to him as much as possible. I understand the oral contract of an undefined and unfeeling relationship we agreed upon, and then him leaving. Now I have the need to be close to him and secretly already breaking that contract, which is my fault. I suppose the need to be close to him, with his dog and cat is something I want to soak up. Then when the time comes, I will have accumulated all of him within my soul. Maybe, it might help to do that, so when he does leave it won't be that bad. 

I was just lying in bed thinking of Texas, pretending that I was listening to him tell me stories. We didn't get to see each other tonight, he worked late, and he called me to let me know that he was just leaving his work. He also told me that tomorrow we will see each other. I was happy he said that. Normally, I would go to his place and have our time with one another, and then I'd watch him take his shower and listen to him talk to me. He makes me laugh, he's a kind of medicine for me this week to cheer me up. When he gets out of the shower, he still talks about everything under the sun and I just listen with happy ears. It's nice to lay in bed with him and his dog and relax together. There are times when he shows me music videos and they are funny. Texas is a homebody and I enjoy that part of him. It's nice to be around someone like that. 

I hope he doesn't read any of this that I write because I don't want him to know how I feel. Contracts often get broken along the way, I mean look at all the treaties that the government broke with my people. As I roll my eyes to what I just wrote. It's true, however, it was a time when it was new and the miscommunication was taken advantage of. I suppose in this situation with me and Texas I'm the government breaking the treaty between us. Now I am smiling. How's that for being the one who breaks. I did, well, I have an excuse, I am a woman. I have those stupid feelings that creep up on me and make me care more and more. It's a terrible disease. 

As I stated this short-term relationship is going to teach me a lot. It is a blessing to know someone like him and to know that it's not that bad. I don't think I have ever felt so comfortable with a man as I do with him. I go potty on the toilet while he is standing in front of me talking. I just don't ever want to shit in front of him. That is something that real people in relationships do. This is a practice run toward the real thing in the future. It's funny, I had to get up from my slumber and write about him. His eyes are always open when we kiss, and he has his total attention on me all the time. I like it, it's new in my life, I suppose that is why I am writing about him. Well, I am writing about him because I missed him tonight. The bright side is that I get to see him again soon. Thank God for Texas. 

Things Seem Sketchy Or Is It my Brain Manipulating Me...

Since writing is a skill, I am learning to write and edit what I can. I also have a personal editor; I have used it in school for the last two years. Yesterday and the day before were complicated; I felt intense emotion. I went out to run the trails, and it was the first run to prepare for my 10k run in October. It was so crazy the way my brain was functioning. But I figured out the switch to my brain. 

THE FIRST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE since I started on the medication and learned to live with it. However, I figured out how to balance the positive and negative. I almost destroyed something in my life because of something in my brain that made me think otherwise. In the following, I wrote a lot of mumbo jumbo about how I felt yesterday. It was not a fun afternoon for me. 

"Have you ever had the feeling that things are not the way that they used to be? Some things seem different now. It may be me or the change in season. It's one of those things that you sometimes ponder on. I ponder a lot; I try not to entertain or dream. It gets frustrating since I mentioned my depression issues, and the sense of belonging is no longer there. It seemed different; maybe it's because I stated it to Texas; I am just going to call him Texas. As a woman and someone dating, I must let people know my details. I try not to be too immersed in thoughts; it's terrible. It may be me or the weather. However, I will not get excited about this thing that seemed really lovely and, you know, maybe. I am to that point now; it's just a joke. This whole thing is just a joke. I'm stupid for thinking that I could, for all purposes, handle such an idea. The short-term for me is two months or three. All these things that are feelings creep up on you. There is the issue with my kids; this is where I am foolish. Stupid to allow just ideas to come into play. I need to be careful about how things go. 

This morning, there was the mention of feelings. We need to have the non-feelings not interfere with this thing that is going on. I ruined it, or maybe Texas ruined it. I am already there. I need to tell him soon that this thing can't continue anymore. It's one of the things I used to be so good at. However, this time, it involves my kids. The one thing I am thankful for is the counseling that I will need, and I need to focus more on myself and less on the other men I allow in my life. It's my fault; it really is. I should have never allowed and agreed to the one-year agreement to occur."

When I read this portion I wrote yesterday, it really got me. The things in my brain were intense, and the messages sent to me and to Texas were totally taken out of context on my part. I'm not too fond of text messages. It needs more communication. I was relieved when I got to see him. It was as if my brain settled and back to where it needed to be. I didn't think I would react in such a way, but I did. I got to see him and talk to him. I listened to his stories, and it was so good for my brain to listen and love his dog. His dog is precious; she has those eyes that look at you with such adoring acceptance. She makes me feel loved; my dogs love me, but hers is very loving. That is going to be the hardest when they both leave. I am unsure how dogs make you feel accepted, but they do. Every time I see MGirl, I'll call her MGirl, then go home for the evening to return to my dogs. The welcoming of them makes me even happier. They are delighted when they see me walk through the door, as if they know that I am refreshed again. Usually, when I am around a dog, they freak out. But not with MGirl's smell; they are happy, and they are just calm. They don't sniff me all crazy like with other dogs. 

After being with Texas, my brain was settled, and I was feeling better. However, I realized something: I was listening to the wrong music yesterday, the day before, and the day before that. It was the song by LP called "Lost on You." This song I played over and over again. It was messing with my brain and the thought processes that go with thinking. I was also listening to it in my brain; my brain kept playing the tune while sleeping. The song manipulated my brain and the way it was thinking. It's accurate to what people say about music; when a tune captures you, it adjusts it to believe in another way. It's bizarre. I listened to it all the time; I even listened to it while I was running the trails. It damaged my well-being and my mental health. I decided sometime yesterday that I would listen to something else that was less depressive and less of that song. So I listened to "System of the Down" instead and "Rob Zombie." One of the things I have to be aware of is music. Women tend to be victims of music that might pertain to their lives as it is. 

Women are creatures who are different from one another. If we can not take control of the situation, then there is an explosion that occurs. The tendency to shut down is becoming a norm in women of all ages, and men are the problem... so they say. What I don't understand is why are women on the dating apps? Why is it that men have become the enemy? I don't know. I'm just asking those questions. I have my own issues to deal with. I like writing like I am an expert and think I know. But I have no clue; that is why I ask the question. As a woman, wanting to be in a relationship is a challenge. It isn't; I am experiencing what I thought was impossible. Last night, he went through some Bible verses with me. It was nice to lay beside him and look at Bible verses. I never thought I'd meet a Christian asshole man like him. I like it. Just one of those things that makes me think, "You know, relationships aren't that scary if you find the right one." What's a reality is that you cannot find the right person in the place that you're in. You can't find your person in the town you live in. After Texas leaves, I might have to go, too, to another city where I find the one person who will be with me for the rest of my life. It's just a realization that occurred just now. Because I like the person I am with, he is safe, and I always need that safe, comforting feeling. Plus, my future guy, well, he has to be an asshole too.  

The Sense Of Being Something, But At The End You're Not

I enjoy date nights and spending time with a man who has a lot to say. He is witty and so sexy at the same time. I have to admit after I wrote this section of my friend, I started to cry. Yeah, just out of the middle of nowhere. Yesterday, I decided to see the doctor about my mental health. It was one of the most challenging things I had to do as a "Strong and Independent Woman." I was being sarcastic in my statement if you didn't get it. The common thing for me is crying out of nowhere. I am seeking counseling, and that is something that is a challenge nowadays. It is a challenge because there are so many other individuals who need counseling, too. Mental health is becoming a huge issue in an individual's life. For me, I have dealt with it for far too long. I've known my mental health has had its days, from terrible days to good promising days. However, lately, my days are turning into days that I can not shake off. I could combat it and get at the root before it got me. I thought that having a Master's Degree would help me get further in life. It seems I make the wrong decisions all the time. It is a problem. But problems can be solved; sometimes, it takes a minute to solve. 

This week was a fantastic week to finally see my friend from Texas. It is something else when, after a while, you are apart from someone. It's a relief to see them again. I was relieved to see him again. He took me out to dinner, wined and dined me, and even bought ribeye dinners for my kids. That was something of a huge surprise. One of the things he had to do this week was get his new office put together. He would plan a time to get together and then had to change it due to going out of town to get his furniture. It can be hard to trust, but I am okay with the rainchecks in this relationship. I have to get used to it because this particular situation is different. He is short-term in my life; however, I hope it lasts. I love listening to all his stories when we are together, and I love his dog; she is so sweet. I think she loves me too. She makes me feel special, like my other dog, Grayson, who always wants to be there when I leave. My dog loves to go places with me, too. Surprisingly, he is good at sitting with me while fishing at the lake. Sometimes, he gets bored, and I should get him out and run around in the woods. Anyway, I got off track again. My friend has a sweet cutie pie dog, just the apple of my eye. The next time, I need to bring her a beef snack. She is that wonderful. I let my friend know that she is the reason I see him... I am smiling at what I just wrote. Last night was fun; I enjoy just being with him even though we don't go out and do things. 

I would like to take him to the Navajo reservation and have him meet my family. I think they would like to meet him. I brought one other friend with me not too long ago, except he was very young. It was a good experience for him. He got to be part of a Navajo wedding ceremony and ate lots of good food. In my van, we spent the night under the dark night sky of Monument Valley, UT. We stayed in separate areas of the truck; he stayed on his side, and I stayed on mine. It was a good trip with him; I showed him some places along the way back and finally got him home to his traveling vehicle. He is a wanderer and has no home; he likes it that way. He really is an exciting kind of guy. He is a vagabond. I admire the way he chooses to live his life. He is around the area and probably getting ready for the winter season. 

So, taking my Texas friend to Monument Valley is one of my goals for me to do. When we first met, we chatted over Tinder and got to know each other. He really wanted to meet me, and I was okay to meet him for some reason. He was very abrupt at meeting me, so I agreed. I don't know why, but I was not like that before with men. I am usually the one who reschedules or cancels for some reason or another. I'm thankful the guy that I was seeing before the Texan, ghosted me for a long period of time, didn't text me back that night. I was really grateful because I would've been stupid and canceled to meet with the Texan instead. I was nervous to meet him because I always had to have the approval of the guy to want me. I thought this guy was a big wig or something, "So act better than what you are, Diana!" So I waited in Starbucks on North Avenue, the high traffic of homeless people and thugs in the area. It's not the safest place in the area. But I like the Starbucks there, and outside, you can hear the commotion of the baseball stadium, so it was, in my mind, perfect. So he comes in finally after trying to find his way around. He comes in, and I am like, wow, this guy is a construction man. I was immediately attracted to him; he held his hand out to me and drew me close for a hug. A greeting, a wonderful, warm, kind greeting. I liked it. Then he buys me coffee, and we go outside; the rest is history. I talked, and he spoke himself, and then we made out, outside by his truck. He was frisky and fresh, and I was eating it all up. Now, here we are almost two months into our initial meeting. It's crazy how time flies and how things come together; he is a man of great character. 

So now that I am still getting to know him, he is pretty sharp; he knows a lot even though he won't tell me all he knows of me. He didn't think I had an appointment to see the doctor yesterday. Last night, I went to his place because we had it in for each other; we were hungry for sex. I'll just be blunt about it. So after our lovely time with one another, he asked me about my day. I told him, "It was good; I had to go to a doctor's appointment today." He was concerned, he asked, "For what? What's the matter?" I told him, "Eh, it's for my depression, anxiety, and ADHD." I looked at him to see a reaction. He's asked, "Why are you depressed?" I explained that I had been struggling with it for a long time. He was interested in knowing why I had come to this place. I had to let him know what was going on with me, just because I think it's important to let people in your life know what is happening with you. I didn't want to not tell him but also to see what his reaction would be to me being diagnosed with this condition. It's weird to be diagnosed with a mental illness and take medication for it. I hope, in my case, I won't have to need it for too long; I hope I can at least get off it eventually. If not, then I have a road of repair for myself. Maybe I can be one of those older women who goes to the gym and becomes buff and super healthy, then I won't be depressed anymore. 

Who knows what the time on this earth will bring to me. It takes time to live life and figure it all out. At the moment, writing blogs is my go-to. It helps my brain process; it helps to get it out of there into the space of nothing in the web. Do people read my blog? I don't know; maybe they do, and that's okay. It's okay that some read my blog, and it's okay that others do not. All I know is that it is healing; it gives me a sense of purpose to write about my life and how I feel. I hope that whoever reads my blog relates to it. If someone reads my blog, it helps them somehow, like, "Gee! I didn't know I was the only one going through this?" Then, that is all that matters to me. Well, life isn't all roses and smelling happy all the time. It can be a struggle for some people. Even if they haven't experienced real life, real trauma, it just happens.

Something in the brain struggles; somewhere in the brain, sometimes just doesn't connect well. I recently got a tattoo last month in August, and it's a tattoo of a neurotransmitter of the brain and how the connection occurs. I look at it occasionally to remember that not all neurotransmitters don't snap well. Mine sometimes does, but what if there is no synapse in how the chemical occurs? The chemical makes us happy or sad; if there is no dopamine or serotonin in that travel passage to connect, there is a problem. I like my tattoo; I love the biology of the brain. It is definitely a wonderfully complex system.

When It Gets Too Hard

I am not sure how life is supposed to continue. Does happiness have to be present? Or do the questions brew in your mind like why am I here? Sometimes, lately, I have had those thoughts in my mind. Maybe, it's something that has to do with the season, or it's something else. These last two weeks have admittedly been a struggle for me. My mind is blown out of proportion to the extent that I just want to dig a hole and hide in it. I have found that depression is an onset that appears so quickly that you don't recognize it fast enough to suppress it. The last time that I was feeling like this, and it was pretty bad, was in 2011. I was attending Dine College in Shiprock, NM, and developed some close friends of mine. I started my education career by attending college on the reservation. It was the highlight of my life, I felt like I was making a difference. I was part of an organization promoting and educating the HIV/AIDS prevention team. It was a wonderful learning experience. I miss the people I worked with, They were a bold, compassionate, and fun bunch of colleagues. They were Navajo and had a passion for Public Health Prevention, and they cared so much for the community of our Navajo Nation. I was a Peer Educator and loved the position of promoting prevention with my community. The one thing that was enjoyable was the presentations that I would put together. They trusted me to build a presentation and share it. I'd put it together, and reach out to community organizations, schools, or jails to present my presentation. I would display incentive pieces to give out to the ones who sat in and listened to me. It was always fun to travel with one of my colleagues.

While this was going on, I started to feel defeated, because there was one class that was so challenging to me that it was tearing up my brain. Especially, when it comes to remembering things and trying to understand them at the same time. The connection was not there. I buckle when it comes to multiple-choice questions, I tend to get scrambled, and my mind just webs out like an out-of-control directional map that has no point of direction. I am not sure if you can understand the brain that has an effect, then when you try and try, then you fail due to attempts, you feel like a major loser. The instructor I had would get frustrated, that I failed, I think at one point he gave up on me. I had another professor who was like that at the other school I attended. It is not a great feeling, but I understand why they felt that way. They are educational leaders who have used their curriculum and students, I'm sure pass their exams. In my mind, it functions very differently, I hope others are the same. I hope there are those reading this can relate. I am currently trying to get through an exam that is going to be my fourth attempt. Four times, I often think, am I the only one who is struggling to pass this test that I think I know? It is not easy at all in my mind. But when I read the materials, I understand the concept. It's the exams that don't make sense to me. It's the way they change the concept that I just learned that makes it so difficult. I can't wrap my understanding around the change of wording put into it.

The anxiety and the fear of losing my position in my current employment have got to me. I am being weighed with negativity and I can not escape it. The last time that this was an issue was at the time, as I mentioned before, attended Dine College. I used to drive forty-five minutes to and fro to school each day. I lived out in the middle of nowhere with my children in a Housing Authority on the reservation. My place started to become out of control I didn't keep up and I just wanted to escape all the time. I started to become less happier, and when I would drive home, I would have suicidal ideation. On the reservation, we can drive as fast as we want, without insurance, and without tags on the car. The Navajo Nation police really don't do much to enforce the traffic laws. I suppose if they were bored and felt like enforcing then yes they would go out and give out tickets. But when it comes to anything tragic, they are there when they can be. Other than that FBI steps in to take care of the tragedy, which is another story of the Feds that so-called care for us Natives. It's a joke. At any rate, I was dealing with wanting to end my life again. This would be the second time in my life that I have tried or thought of ending my life. I suppose it just sneaks up on you. It's like out of the blue, if I felt any inclusion from work, I would get a bit depressed, but I always seem to catch it and work on myself. This time it feels different. I feel like at the moment I want to be away. But then again, I don't want to be away, I want to stay put where I'm at like I don't want to go anywhere. I can't explain the way it is. I had a wonderful friend who I talked to and she prayed with me. She has a heart of the Lord that is present with Him. Her prayers and her tears, healed me, and gradually I carried on, we spent time together just laughing and hanging out. It was what I needed. Everything else was just a memory of my depression and suicide. My friend worked at Dine College. 

Sometimes, memories come back and at times it hits hard and heavy. It seems at my age it's very heavy. Like I can not seem to shake this cement block off me. The other day, I was at my wits end, I saw my kids, and my family as a reason to make a change. I talked to my daughter about my feelings and my work, and she told me, "Mom! Do not quit! It's not an option." I looked at her, and said, "I won't..." I decided to make an appointment and talk to a professional about my issues and whatever they suggest I am going to try to make it one step at a time. I suppose stating my voice to say something to someone helps in get a bit further in living my life. The ultimate goal in my life is accountability. I want to be accountable in my life, I want to be responsible for my actions. Even if it hurts me, or the other person. I think this is my position to take the proper actions to my accountability to myself, and the responsible route to get the help that I need. There are not many who can say they have the support, but the one thing that gets to me is my children. When I tell them something that I am going to do, they support it. I was there for my children when I could, my daughter was always crying for me to help her until I opened my mind to actually help. I was not focused on her needs or my son's needs. Children are the most amazing gifts to a parent. Especially, a single one. I wished I was a better parent, instead of thinking that they could do it themselves, but instead, I'm busy trying to make a life for us. Alcohol was the worst, I thank God that, that part of my life is not an option for my depression. I confess, there was a split second or two that it was something I could do.

I am looking forward to my appointment to get the help that I need. I am also thankful I can write about this in my blog to get it out of my mind and out of my system. This helps a lot. I hope the struggles that weigh you down, are lifted, I hope that whoever is reading this considers life, and contentment in life. It may not be happy, but at least we have the contentment of trying to meet ourselves at the crossroads to beat the demon that is always trying to destroy us.