Good Mornings and My Coffee

Days are getting shorter. I noticed the light in the morning is darker, and the evenings are getting shorter. Although the fun is about to end on longer days, having cooler mornings and much cooler days is nice. When I was a little girl living in Moab, UT, I was so excited the weather was getting cooler and colder. I loved bundling up warm and buying coats and jackets to wear at school; in Middle School and High School, I worked so I could buy whatever I wanted. I started working at the age of twelve years old. My parents loved that I worked because they didn't have to buy me anything. Anyway, I am getting off track. My favorite is how the weather changed from super hot to cool down. The coffee tastes better in the mornings, and my bed feels so much better with tons of blankets and pillows. The energy bill is the only thing I can't get better in my life. It gets high in cost in the summer, and then when winter hits, it is as costly as it was during the summer. A person living in America can't win these days. However, I am ecstatic about the Fall season. The sad and frustrating part is this particular season only lasts a minute during the year. I hope the Fall season stays longer. The other day, I was outside, and I didn't have to take off my jacket and feel like I was in a sauna. When I got into my car, the seats were not as hot as usual, and I didn't have to run my air conditioner. It was fantastic. 

Now that I have mentioned the change in seasons again, I decided to make myself a cup of buttered coffee this morning. Have you ever had a cup of buttered coffee? If you haven't, I suggest you make one. It is the best coffee drink in the world. I rate it better than a latte. The way I make it is I start with real butter (2 Tablespoons) in a blender, a teaspoon of any kind of coffee syrup, I always like to add some Stevia (1 heaping teaspoon), and lastly, my brewed coffee. Then you'll see the magic happens after blending it all together. The coffee turns into a beautiful froth, and it is yummy. This is my favorite to have during the Fall season. It is better than a Latte at Starbucks; that is my opinion. I had one cup this morning and then had my regular coffee. Yes, the Fall season is good, with the best coffee drink in the brisk mornings.

There is nothing better than having my friend from Texas return, and I got to see him last night. I was getting a bit lonely, but now I am better. However, I'll be lonelier when he leaves. I know I keep mentioning that notion. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I am at the moment choking back the tears. I know all this will be okay; I know my worth now. Being fifty, my Texan man, is my true lesson this year, and knowing that I should not be afraid of having a relationship. Isn't that something? I was so afraid of relationships that I was no longer afraid when I hit fifty. 

What is it about being at the age that I am at? Living this long at a half-century old, I love indicating that I am indeed a half-century old. It just makes me feel honored to live this long and finally learn the tricks of the trade. I mean, look at me; I was an alcoholic, and I'm kind of understanding the mechanisms of paying my bills. I have to say that I am very proud of myself. I am staying consistent in my blog, maybe because I love writing or because I feel something is missing. I was in a Master's program that required me to write constantly. Writing is a release from life, and it's my outlet to go about my day without thinking I am a loser. When I write in my blog, I feel like I am actually writing a book about my life and what I am doing in my life. I write about lessons to be learned and the age that I am at. I have always wanted to go on and on about myself in a blog. Again, I am laughing at what I just typed out. I have many thoughts in my brain; it is weird. My thoughts are all over the place. I have one area of my thoughts that is stirring with nothing but sex, and then another area stirring with what about my health. However, there's another part that is thinking about hoping to pass my Life and Health Insurance exam. But my current goal, besides getting laid, is to be confident and happy. Sometimes, I think there's something not right about me. I tell you what. I think it's because I'm Navajo. Never mind about my current goal. I think getting laid is my goal all the time. 

Every person is different; I think it is how they live in society. As a child, I was always intrigued by how people lived. At a young age, I was raised in a Christian home. I had a beautiful mother who was a model to me. She was to teach me the ways of being a woman; little did she know I was nothing like her. To be honestly true, my mother was better than me. She loved the Lord; she loved being obedient. Her desire was for her kids to have what she knew and who she was. Legalistically, it didn't work for me. I was always the rebellious one. I wanted to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, and have sex. I wanted to explore the effects of who I was, but then there were the guilty feelings of trying it or the consequences of being drunk. I don't remember my first time. I was so drunk one night that a guy took advantage of me and took my virginity away. Sometimes, I wished I remembered my first time when I was no longer a virgin. But I don't. Sometimes, when I think about it, I try to remember it, but it is shameful. I know I am not the only one who doesn't remember because I'm sure someone experienced the same thing. At any rate, it's what led me, I think, to be a sex mongrel. A monstrous woman with an appetite for one man in my life; who he is, I have no clue. But he has to be out there, the one for me till the end of my life. That is all I want. Society and women always have to state shit, like, "I don't need a man; women don't need a man in their lives. We are strong, independent women." I call bullshit on that. I would love a man to spend the rest of my life with. To have sex when I want it, not trying to search for it. Why search for it when you can have it at home? Yes, the toys that women purchase are fine and dandy. However, it's not the real thing. I have toys; they were a gift from the last guy I met, the one who drank too much. I have never had anything like that, EVER.

One night, after spending time with one another, he asked me if I use toys when I am with men. I let him know that I don't have any. I let him know that I have never had anything like that in my life. They were used on me, but I don't remember cause I blacked out after a night of drunkenness. He told me, "Get your clothes on; we're going to the sex shop." I looked at him and said, "Seriously?" He was so country he said, "Get yer ass going woman." I laughed at him, then said, "OOOO, this is going to be fun!" Yeah, I am not the typical pristine Christian woman. I struggle with trying to be godly and perfect like those women in church. In my eyes, that is how I see them. I know they struggle too. Anyway, yep, that was my gift from him that night. I know I mention this guy all the time. Something interesting about this man is that he opened me up to be a woman of confidence. I don't know why, actually, I do know why. I have this foopa, and I hate it. It is one of the less attractive things about me. At least, that is what I think. When I was with him, the second encounter, cause the first was a dud because he was intoxicated. I don't think he saw who I was; he had his drunk goggles on. So it was the second encounter when being with him. He literally took off my clothes in front of him. His eyes were hungry, and I was so insecure about my foopa. I took my dress and held it over my tummy. He told me, "No, stop that, you don't do that, don't cover up, you're sexy and hot." I am unsure, but after what he told me, I was confident enough to drop that dress and jump into bed with him. I felt so sexy that night. I was a new woman after that, and my foopa? I still hate it, but I am not that hateful about it anymore. It was his eyes that did it. If I can find eyes like his again, to be with me for the rest of my life. I think I would be content. I might want to kick his ass occasionally, but I would be content.  

My Thoughts of Him Again

There is a song that is an addicting tune for now. I discovered this song this morning while drinking my coffee. It's called "Lost on You" by LP. So this song is beautiful and perfect; my mind is engaged, and my thoughts are with the alcoholic guy! What the effers... I was driving to the meeting this morning, listening and singing this song all the way to town. I ended up reminiscing about the guy. I don't know why; maybe I am laying his memory to rest. My mind was in deep thought of him. His eyes and his voice, the way his mouth tasted. Oh gosh, here I go again... One of the memories I am about to tell you is intimate. So, if you have virgin eyes and want to keep your mind clean, do not continue to read.

When I was with him the last time, this was his birthday. We were intimate at his place; it was fun. We had just got back from playing our game of stop and go. We were so into each other that we had our moment outside his place. He lives in the country, so there are hardly any public bystanders. Except for far away neighbors, I enjoy having risky fun, like almost getting caught doing something like sex. I don't know why; I suppose it's the thrill of it all. The closeness of him on top of me was so sexy and hot. Both of us sweating on each other. I whispered in his ear, and he whispered in mine, kissing each other and holding each other close. I held him tight like I wanted him to enter my soul. He'd ask me a question, and I'd whisper softly in his ear, begging him. Telling him in my soft voice, "Be gentle, baby... Will you be nice to me?" His response was agonizing, "Yes," he said, "I will be gentle," in return, I whispered into his ear, "Promise, baby?" I held him close and pushed him deep inside me as much as possible. He finally engaged in a relieved sound... his sweat dripped on my face as he moaned. I just looked at him and wiped his face and forehead. He removed himself from me, and his face was as if he was speechless. He smiled and shook his head. He said, "I don't know about you," all I could say was, "What do you mean?" I smiled at him; he walked over to his place and stood in front of a fan blowing in his face, smiling. I held his hand and said, "You are so sexy." 

After our encounter, I left to give him some time to do his work around his house. I let him do his work, our last close intimacy of almost spiritual connection. This was the memory I was thinking about this morning while driving to my meeting. I would have everything to do with this man if he didn't drink so much alcohol; his drinking always ruined everything. If I could only get what I want. It's never that easy, and it is never fair. This song brings to my mind all the memories of being close to him, especially the last time I was with him. For some reason, I know I'll encounter him someday. Or maybe he will finally find that woman he has always wanted. I suppose putting the memory to rest is good. If you read my memory of intimacy and think I'm a weirdo, then so be it. But can you honestly think that even your memories don't bring up intimate, sexy encounters like mine? Sometimes, it just sneaks into your mind to remind you of what was and is to come. Life goes on, and we take the memories with us to enjoy what we had one time in our lives.

Realization Of Myself

As a fifty-year-old woman, I realized the worth of myself. The dating scene has taught me valuable insights about who I am. The last guy continues to text me, but I am not persuaded by him like before. I thought for a while that he was a soul tie. However, it turned out he was not. He continued to text me last night into the early morning hours of this morning. I responded once last night, stating that I was not interested and was out. I had told him this before; I suppose he thought he could convince me. In reality, his drinking caused him to continue with ongoing text messages. The only time I get these messages is when he has been drinking. Sometimes I respond, and sometimes I do not. You might think it is wrong for me to keep him on my phone; my reason is that I want to know that he is still alive and well. Also, if he needs someone to talk to or decides to seek help in becoming sober, I would like to keep that line open. The thing about me is I like to give the benefit of the doubt or chance to help in any way I can give help to someone I know. I may not completely know him, but I can see his struggle. I used to be him; I can relate. In my blog, I mentioned him, and the night I was with him. That night, he was very intoxicated, and I ended up taking care of him. That was a crazy night, and I didn't want him to screw up his work schedule for the week because of his drinking.

When I was with him on this particular night, it was like watching who I was. I was taking care of who used to be me. It's crazy to think that way, but it's true. When I was with him, I was not annoyed with him; I was more nurturing to him. I knew while I was with him that this would not work out. When intoxicated, he wants things I can not give him. The things he desires are more than what I can handle; they are dark requests. In my eyes, they are dark; they have the presence of evil. When I was with him in one of our encounters, I fought with the demons to continue or stop. In my mind, I wanted to stop. I was not comfortable with what he wanted me to do. Why I did the things he wanted me to do was like a pattern I was in in my last relationship. I am the kind of person who likes to please men. It is a terrible trait; when I was an alcoholic, I was worse. But since I am sober now, I recognize it better and take hold of it before it takes hold of me. This morning, I felt empowered that I stated what I stated in my text messages to him. Although, I am thankful he isn't the kind of guy who is narcissistic. He doesn't give that notion at all. This man is hurt by his past, and according to my observations, he likes to watch women degrade themselves to satisfy him due to the woman who hurt him in his marriage. He stated that his ex-wife hurt him, and I am guessing emotionally. I understand that it's terrible to be hurt by your former spouse. I don't think that they get along at all. I am not sure to what extent. The only thing I hope is that he eventually finds someone safe to help him heal. 

Having stated my observations of him, his situation is relatable to me. As I was in the past, I wanted men to hurt; I wanted to break their hearts because my ex-husband broke mine. The weird thing was when I was with him while he was getting drunk, I didn't feel the urge or the want to drink. I wanted to be sober for him. I wanted to be aware of what was happening; I suppose I was thinking of keeping myself and him safe. Sober-mindedness is so different than the intoxicated mind. I know this morning he is out like a light and hung over. I hope he is doing well, and I hope he rests well today. The night after is always the worst stage; I hope he will change how he is. My hope is that he will recognize what is actually happening to him and that he will seek out help. I also hope he does it for his kids, not anyone else. Alcohol is the worst when you've been through a challenging, hurtful event in life. It doesn't cure anything at all; it just makes it worse.

When I met this guy, he made me mad. I left angry at him, and he just kept reaching out to me to hang out. The same day I cussed him out, I thought that would do it, and I would never hear from him again. Nope. He continued to contact me; I met him a few times and was almost in love with him. However, I knew this would never work unless he was sober. Even then, it might not even work, either. I was attracted to him. I loved the attention that he gave me. I loved how he treated me during the first couple of meetings until it turned crappy. His eyes and his voice were the two things that drew me close to him. It's a remarkable thing how humans can be attracted to one another. The chemistry of it all, that is the thing about dating at my age, is our differences and compatibility. So the beginning was wonderful, except he wouldn't return the messages I left him. I started to feel the feelings of attachment and resentment, of almost jealousy feelings. I didn't want to feel the abandonment of him messaging other women. When I start to feel this way, I engage in other ways to avoid feeling this way. Getting on dating apps and meeting new men to take away the feeling of abandonment. This is when I met my Texan man. It was over two weeks of not hearing from him. So, I took it upon myself to go out and meet someone else. I was thankful that I did. However, being in this pattern, I was hesitant to be with this Texan man, not thinking he really wanted to be with me; I was with the other guy on one occasion. This was the last time I was going to be with him; it was his birthday, and he messaged me to spend some time with him on his day. I still had lingering feelings for him and thought I needed to get them out and get it over with. So I did what any stupid woman would do: I met him. Spent the day playing our stop-and-go game in broad daylight out on the county roads and being persuaded to drive topless for him. It was fun to spend the afternoon with him. He had some things to do at his place, so I left to go fishing, and he wanted me to return to him in the later evening. I wanted to, but he requested something dark from me. I told him, "No." I was uncomfortable with his request; he started drinking and asked me to do things that were so not me. I just could not do it. I don't want to do it. I was at my wit's end with him. I let him know that I was out; I didn't want to see him anymore. That was it for the time being, until last night and the night before, he texted me to be with him. I let him know that I was out. I didn't want to see him anymore. 

I look at what I am writing; it is a realization of who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. In my blog, I explain myself as real and true to others and to myself. Women can tell other women to be true to themselves and not give it away; be a WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE. Give me a break; not all women were created equal, and we were not created to be one way. Some of us struggle with sex, which I think we all struggle with. We fight tooth and nail to be good and perfect, but we can't. I struggle with many things; however, I realize that the last guy taught me that I am valuable. I finally realized this. It took me half a century to realize my worth! I suppose by placing myself in this brief relationship and mind you, we did have a relationship. It may not have been long-term, but we had an attachment. It was a valuable lesson that I am thankful for. I am thankful for this man, unfortunately, someone with a long road ahead of him, and I pray he stops drinking. He seeks counseling and becomes a better man for his children and himself. I hope the woman he meets will love him through all of it. That is my hope and prayer for him because he was a blessing in my life. This blog entry might ease the self-destruction of women who put themselves down because they are not perfect. Do not think that you are nothing, that your life isn't getting better when, in all actuality, it is. It is being perfected each day you wake up from your slumber. It just takes time to be who you were meant to be. 

Seasons Change and It's Lovely

I have so much on my mind right now. I am in the process of cleaning my yard. Then I have my exam that I must study for; my ADHD weighs heavy on my mind. I do one thing and then start another; it's so annoying. I need to have a huge billboard in front of me, a list of things to start with. I need a map to look at and direct me on my tasks in my yard, my life, and other things that I need to get done. Now, my allergies are bothering me! I can't get anything right and done. I just want to scream... sometimes, this is why I need a man, a partner, to help me get things done. I wasn't even good when I was married, either. There are some things in my area of life that I am working on. One thing that weighs heavy on my mind is that what if I meet my partner for life? Am I going to be a wonderful wife? Will I be capable of doing a wife's duty at home? I shouldn't worry about the future and how I would be if I were a wife again. Things that make you stop and question everything... Really crazy. I think it's a process for me to examine and generate a list to appease my mind. Lists, an accountability tool. It's what I always need. 

Today is when the air is crisp, and the weather is perfect. I love this time of the year. In my tribe, we are preparing for winter stories and shoe games. I have never practiced the season change to participate in the winter stories and shoe games. I watch the way they continue the culture in the way they do things in the winter. It seems they try to put in their community gatherings as much as possible at the end of the season. I love the way my tribe celebrates the change of seasons. It is always so eventful this time of the year. It is so beautiful at the end of summer, and everyone is rushing around to prepare things. Things like the Navajo Fairs and the huge parades that they have. Walking around the vendors and looking at their creations is so much fun. The food is amazing, and there are a lot of fresh veggies and food trucks. The food trucks usually have fry bread, mutton stew, mutton burgers, and reg Navajo burgers with green chilies. The green chilies are usually Hatch Green Chilies from the Hatch farms in New Mexico. Everything is perfect, full of heritage and pride for who we are. There are also tons of delectable breads from other tribes, Pueblo and Hopi. 

The fairs usually have nighttime activities; for kids and families, active carnivals go on into the night. Then there are the pow-wow dances; they have dancers that travel from all across the United States. It is so much fun to attend a pow-wow. The ceremonial events are active through the night as well. The Ye'ii Bi Cheii's are roaming the streets before and during the fair, collecting money in change to dollar bills. They offer discipline to give our children, and usually, the kids are terrified of them. If you ever saw a Ye'ii Bi Cheii, you would be uncomfortable, too. But it's fun to watch the kids get scared. They straighten up pretty quick, all for a dollar. 

I follow a Navajo Medicine Man on YouTube who teaches much about our culture. In this video I shared under the image, he explains the Ye'ii Bi Cheii. If you want, you can learn the teachings of what our culture is about. There are amazing things he mentions, and it is so informative. I love the Beauty Way, the Hozho Way, and the Blessing Way; this is part of our life. It's a brilliant teaching of what we are to do in our daily lives, to live peacefully and direct on our paths as we live. 

There is so much going on with my Reservation right now. Sometimes, I wish I could be there. Maybe I am thinking that I might go to the Shiprock Fair instead. I am very familiar with the way the schedule of events happens. I am debating at the moment whether or not I want to go. My friend from Texas (Who I have mentioned before) might be interested in going with me. I will need to ask him if he is interested in participating in this huge event with the Navajo Nation. He mentioned that he would like to learn and know more about our Navajo culture. I hope it works out; maybe I can attend the fair and get some mutton this year. I love mutton; the way they prepare the mutton, the stews they prepare, and the fry bread is nothing like mine. It is ten times better. 

All this talk about the change in season has got me hungry for mutton and fry bread. One of the things I am so proud to be and actually be blessed to be created is to be a Navajo woman. I love my culture, and I love the people. I am sure you can relate to being a part of a culture. I know some of us are not full-blood of a race. I also know that race is one thing that is a touchy issue. However, I do not care; I am a Navajo woman. I belong to a particular race of people and am proud of that, regardless of what Western society says about race and identity. Lastly, my yard is complete for the day, not perfect, but complete for now. 

The Secret Life I Have, Just Kidding...

There isn't anything great about my life, I often think does my life help others in their lives right now? Maybe, I kind of hope so at least. There are areas of my life that I like. Just recently I am very attracted to the Texan man who I am dating. He will soon be here in his temporary home, he has enjoyed his life back home where he belongs. Which is in Texas, Houston to be exact. I don't blame him, that is where his family and friends are. He is expected to arrive back in our area on Monday... I think. I am excited to see him, to spend some quality time with him, laughing, kissing, and just being handsy. I like that of him, he is not shy to take my hand and take me wherever. I didn't think that I would feel comfortable in my skin to allow such closeness. Maybe it's because he's from Texas, or maybe he is someone who I can relate to because he is a safety man in construction. It is very familiar to me. In any case, I am comfortable with the man. 

The last time we chit-chatted in his bedroom, we lay there just talking and reminiscing about the construction days. I told him what I used to do on the pipeline with my ex husband. It was a good conversation laying with his dog and playing fetch with her as she played in front of me. Anyway, there was a spark in my eyes, I was very intrigued by him, I couldn't believe I was with a safety man. We talked about welders, they're pretty snobby at times. I laugh at that because it's hilarious to know that we both feel the same about them. Is it bad that he reminds me of my ex-husband? The only thing different about him is that this man is sober, he is sober! He doesn't drink alcohol and he has a full head of hair. I am laughing out loud at the hair thing. I have to say, there is something about men from Texas, I kind of like them. The traits of such a man are really nice, I adore the way he moves his hands when he talks to me and then reaches over to me and pulls me close to him. It's very sexy. 

I love the way he can't stop kissing me on the lips, he likes to kiss me, and he is so sensual. I guess, I really missed the attention of a man who actually pays attention to me. If I am standing away from him, he gets me from behind and holds me. Just sweet, the first time I met him we kissed forever in the Starbucks parking lot, it was amazing. He picked me up and held me in the air like he was going to carry me away. It was a perfect night. I wanted to spend more time with him, but he had to leave and rest for the next day for work. The next day was text messages of, "Where do you want to meet? Pick a place, I don't care where it is." I have to admit there was a lot of pressure to pick a place. I did, this time it was at our local burger and brewery place in town. When I met him after he got off work he came up to me on Main Street and held me and kissed me. He called me baby, and darling. How Texan is that? We were flying off the seat of our pants that night, it was an amazing night. It was fun, he was so sweet, and every time we would leave each other, it was always, "Text me when you get home." When I go on dates, I never get that from men, "Text me when you get home." It took some time to remember to actually text him when I got home. He would gently remind me, "Did you make it home?" I would frantically text him, "Yes, I made it home baby." Now, I think I got the hang of it, I do let him know I am home safe. 

I am not sure how things will continue, but soon he will leave and I will be alone again. I can't imagine my life like that. Lately, these days are arriving quickly and sooner than yesterday. It goes by so fast that I am trying to keep my mind sharp by remembering the details of each day. Now, those days come and go, and I find myself just etching the memories into my brain to remember everything in the human body. To the structure of faces and the touch of a hand on my skin, the taste of a kiss, and the warmth of a long hug. I keep the picturesque of the eyes that pierce into my soul in my eyes when they meet each other. This week was tough to have those memories of a man close to me. But it is what it is, and life goes on. Well, there are always dating apps, I suppose after he leaves I will have to download the fifty and over dating apps. I think it's about time to face the music of fifty and over dating.

What an Eye Opening Notion... Sobriety

To make things clear, there are no wrong or right ways of living, except to try to do good. Also, try to do good to people you know. However, some people are not that way, they don't want to be good to others and they lack the treatment of seeing them as the valuable humans that God created. I suppose it's hard to treat people with value, it's different when it comes to being kind to others. However, it is ten times harder to fathom the notion of treating others with respect when you've been drinking and smelling like a brewery. Feelings of this and that and forming some kind of illusion for yourself by using someone else does not always work. I really hate being used by people whom I consider a friend. It's very disappointing to be treated unfairly. It doesn't make any sense to do that to people. I mean, I am not the ultimate flavor of the town by any means at all. There is nothing great about me, except that I have feelings that should get me in tons of trouble. I catch myself though, then realize "Oops" reframe yourself, woman! 

Some time ago, this fellow I knew seemed to scheme in a lot of things, this one time he had persuaded me to meet him and talk and just have conversations. I roll my eyes at what I just stated... This man is such a man who also drinks, and I ask myself why is this man not with another woman like I told him to. So the chit-chat turns into him drinking and returning text messages on his phone, my thoughts were that he was texting his boss or coworkers to get a lineup of work the next day. Nope... He shows me the text. I look at it like, "What the fuck? Are you trying to make a woman jealous by coercing me to be here?" His eyes were starting to gleam glassy like the beginnings of drunk goggles. I immediately picked up my purse and keys along with my phone and proceeded to walk out. I yelled at him, "Fuck you and your friend! You trying to play me?" I left, thinking that the woman was going to be arriving soon. I don't like to be staged in a trap. It was a lesson well learned. I was never to be persuaded to just hang out and enjoy the company of a drinker. You see the mind of a person who drinks does not know what he/she does. Initially, it is all about themselves. As I drove off into the dusk of the evening, I literally beat myself in the head to state many unkind words said to myself.

Nothing is far from the truth of a person who doesn't act humble or kind as one who becomes selfish and neglects others in the process. Alcohol does not help a person just get out of their shell. Yeah, they are funny and they can be silly. However, there are consequences to consuming an over-abundant amount of alcohol. Please note, that in my experience as a former alcoholic, I was not a good drunk. At times I was enjoying life drinking, and then the blackout sessions would proceed, I have no idea why I am not dead from blacking out or in prison. I should have had plenty of DUIs but I did not get one, I think God protected me along the way. Alcohol is not kind to people, there is a lie that is attached to the beauty of what alcohol can offer. Such as taking away the pain. Whether it is the pain of a broken heart, pain that is chronic pain, due to the limited amount of pain pills distributed to you. Mainly the broken heart, the ruining of a relationship usually the culprit to substance use tends to make it all better. Initially, it is just a band-aid that is a short-term cover. This can be of any relationship that was ruined or taken away. Mine was influenced by a broken heart and the loss of an important person in my life. But, it isn't that easy to quit the abuse of alcohol. The mind is where it starts. 

In my mind I was driven toward my children, I remember the first time I realized it. I was in bed early in the morning and my kids were still up at 1:00 am along with me. I was having my last drink of my wine... I think that night I had at least two bottles of wine. Then I had to work in the morning at 6:30 am, I was not looking forward to the day of working. However, there was a glimpse of my children as they went in and out of the bathroom. My door was open, and I could hear them laughing and talking. I lay there with the hallway light illuminating my face. I put down the glass of wine and just held my pillow, I was miserable. I saw my babies and remembered who they were. I looked at myself and thought, I need to stop this. It was the image of my kids, the sounds of their voices that hit me hard in my heart. I didn't like the way I felt when I got up in the morning, my head hurt, my body hurt, I was glassy eyed and I'm sure I reeked of the smell too. 

I headed to work, still drunk, still trying to sober up so I could get through the workday. Sometime during the morning, I was talking to my boss, It was the time of COVID and there was no school, the kids were home, but the custodian staff were able to work a bit to ensure the safety of the classrooms. I sat there cleaning the chairs with sanitation cleaner and I just poured my heart out to my boss. I let her know that I was still drunk, I let her know that I need to sober up and I wanted to quit this shit. I cried and she held me, she let me know that everything was going to be okay. She told me we needed to go to her office, I went with her, and she gave me a drink of juice from the jar of green olives stuffed with garlic. It had plenty of brine in it that helped in the process of sobering me up. She didn't want me to get in trouble, so she was trying to help me in any way that she could, then she sat me down and told me that I had a decision to make. The decision to either get sober and stay sober or continue to do what I am doing. In my mind, I needed to become sober, I wanted that. So after a little bit, she sent me home and let me know that I could go home sick. So I left home and slept. Then when I woke up I went to my kitchen opened the refrigerator took out the bottles of wine and Jim Beam whisky and dumped them down the sink. My son stood beside me and watched me in horror, that was funny because he kept asking me what I was doing. All I said to him was that I was through with this shit, I'm done. On that day of May 4, 2020, I started my journey of sobriety. It was a tough road to deal with, I experienced depression and body aches at times and the anxiety that comes with withdrawals. Even my daughter experienced the withdrawal of me not drinking anymore. She was confused and lost because I wasn't starting a fight with her, I wasn't getting angry at her. It was like she wanted me to become angry at her, it was a pattern of ours, we fought all the time. The day that I quit drinking alcohol was also the day I quit getting angry with my baby girl. I started to tell my kids I love them, every day, every moment I was telling them I loved them. I continue by stating "I love yous" to my kids.

Today, I am 3 years, 4 months, 2 days, 19 hours and 7 minutes sober... I have an app that helps me know this. My day journey started on May 4, 2020, and I want to continue on this path of staying sober. It was one of the hardest decisions to make, I started to back off from friends who drink and party. There are times I do admit that I want to buy a bottle of wine, or a cold beer with lime, or a margarita on the rocks with salt. But, I let myself know that if I start, I may not quit and I will probably lose everything. I don't want to lose everything, I don't want to lose myself either. I want to be healthy and happy. I do pray for the guy that I used to know, I hope he finds sobriety and becomes happy again. That is what I want for you too if you struggle with substance abuse. 

My New Unexpected Hobby

Over the weekend, I went van camping by myself and tried my hand at fly fishing. What a wonderful sport! I was thinking to myself, why in the world hadn't I done this years ago? One of the things that I am doing now is finding things to fill my time with. As a new hobby, I have my knitting, but I want something that entails something healthy and fun, something that entails a mindful and relaxing sport. I mean this past weekend really wasn't about catching the biggest fish, although it was on my mind to possibly catch a trout. I wasn't that lucky, however, I enjoyed the whole process, and the whole pushover on fly fishing. You know, I have a favorite author that I love, it's Ernest Hemmingway, I think it's the reason in the past I loved drinking alcohol is because of him. I know it's crazy, but he was a rebellious nature, so smart and intelligent too. He attracted me to the mental issues of being a human being with so much going on in his brain that the only way to release is to write. I have always wanted to be a writer, however, I didn't have the skill to be one, so I think writing an entry into a blog kind of helps in the dream I have. Fly fishing was his pastime and also drinking whisky, the finest whisky, and smoking the finest cigars, he was a very admirable man. He was a passionate man in fishing and was a romantic in the ladies, he wrote about women as if he loved every one of them. It seemed he didn't take them for granted. I was always attracted to men like Ernest Hemmingway, some may have not been avid fishermen, but they were rebellious. 

In this new hobby of mine, I know there is a long road in front of me, I need to know the mind of the fish. Where do they swim, how do they maneuver in the river, do they keep in one area for a long time, or do they just keep swimming downstream? So many questions I have and what are the specifics of becoming a fly fisherwoman. I follow many young women on Instagram who have mastered this sport and they are amazing young ladies who fish. They catch the largest fish in the waters and it is very cool. The technique of this sport also interests me, I think trying this and just doing it is something to be said. At my age, there are things in life where in my younger days I thought of trying but never went through the process of actually doing it. However, since I turned 50 years old, it seems as though my mind and body want to do all the things I have always wanted to do and try. I want to paddle board, and I want to hike to an area where I can camp and fish. All these awesome things young ones are doing now, and I am late in my game, but who isn't. I already ran 1/2 marathons and it was the last time I did that, I still want to run some 10k races and maybe one more of the 1/2 marathons. I just have to be consistent, keep a record, a goal at the prize, or the accomplishment I want. 

Our minds are so interesting and so full of ideas, that often we tend to put them on the back burner. Why is it so hard to keep consistent? I have no idea... However, there has to be something that can kind of cure us of that. This morning when I woke up from my slumber I happened to see the WhatsApp messages. In it, there was a notification from the creator. I watched the suggested video for the use of the app. They came up with the idea of creating videos or voice messages to yourself. It's a way to remind yourself of notes, of things to do, and for grocery lists. I thought it was interesting, so I created a voice message to myself to remind myself of what I needed to do today. The only problem is actually noticing the message you sent to yourself to actually see what needs to be done on a day. If it isn't one thing it's another, a reminder for yourself to actually look at the reminder you made for yourself. That is very humorous. Time is the key, the willingness within the brain to forcefully be reminded and stick with it. I suppose it's no different than creating a consistent regimen to go to the gym and do your workouts every day.

Thus, this goes back to wanting to learn something like fly fishing and just be consistent to learn, but I think this sport does get addicting. I didn't think it would, so being consistent really does not pertain to learning this sport. Because, I actually really enjoy being outside and being in the water, wadeing and casting in the evenings of the sunsets. It makes me happy.