Mental Health Reflection

The birds are singing outside more and more every day. It is so nice to see the seasons changing. I personally enjoy the time change and hope it stays permanent.

In my last entry, I was overwhelmed with depression. When I posted it, I felt the need to share the depth of my experience. Mental health is a serious issue, especially in today’s world, and I have found support within the company I work for. There was a turning point when I sincerely needed to talk to someone. Do you know the scary part? It’s how the mind can twist reality, convincing you of lies. I have battled with self-doubt and a lack of confidence, often taking others' words at face value and second-guessing myself. Through texts and emails, words can be misinterpreted, and even that can manipulate the mind.

It's a constant effort to remind myself not to take everything so seriously and to ignore the negative thoughts my mind conjures up. The mind can be a strange place, filled with unknown fears that can manifest into reality. I truly believe that having someone to talk to—someone who will simply listen—is a blessing. It acts as a form of mental and emotional purification, releasing negativity and offering healing. Speaking your thoughts out loud can be frightening, but it is a necessary part of the healing process.

Recently, I started reading a historical fiction novel about Sacajawea, and I am already on the fifth chapter. I am fascinated by the amount of research and dedication it took the author to craft this story. It took her ten years to write it, and her attention to detail is incredible. This novel paints a vivid picture of Sacajawea's resilience. As a young preteen, she endured the torment of being a slave to other tribes. Her journey was filled with unimaginable hardships, and yet she survived with remarkable strength. Her story puts my own struggles into perspective. If she could endure such trials, I can certainly manage my own.

Reading this book has ignited a newfound love for reading within me. It amazes me how an author can weave words together to create such powerful narratives. I aspire to write a book one day—a story that captures minds and provides comfort and inspiration, just as this book is helping me.

Another book that holds great value is the Bible. Some may view it as a purely religious text, but it also stands as a historical document filled with real events. Exploring the Bible has provided me with insight and encouragement. I would love to visit the places where these historical events took place, just as I would enjoy exploring the lands connected to Sacajawea's journey. Such trips would offer a deeper, tangible connection to these incredible stories.

I have also found comfort in positive affirmations. Recently, I came across one that resonated with me: "Each night before you go to bed, say these words: 'I know something wonderful will happen for me, to me tomorrow.' Then in the morning, repeat: 'I know something wonderful will happen for me, to me today.'" I have started saying these affirmations for myself, my kids, my boyfriend, my dad, and my family. And, of course, I circle back to myself.

I am grateful for this space to share my thoughts—from the struggles of my mind to the uplifting discoveries I encounter. I also cherish the love I have for my boyfriend and the journey of raising my children. Last night, I looked through old pictures of my kids and me, from their infancy to now. My daughter is soon to be 18, and my eldest is already 21. Time flies. The journey has not been easy. I have faced heartbreak and unexpected turns, but the outcome is beautiful, and I am thankful for where we are today.

I will continue to share my journey here as life unfolds. Thank you for reading, and I will be back with more soon. Have a wonderful day.

Confession of Me Today-Cry for Help... Maybe

Have you ever struggled in your mind before? Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that it seems like nothing is getting better? I have those days—and lately, the weight feels heavier than ever. I’m not sure if it’s because I allow things to get into my head and pull me down. Take work, finances, major decisions, and even caring for my aging animals, for example. I’ve been struggling with having just one income to rely on—I’m simply trying to make ends meet. It’s a constant battle. Whenever relief seems close, it slips away, leaving me more exhausted.

On top of everything, there’s pressure from my daughter. It’s her senior year—what should be the happiest and most exciting time of her life—but it hasn’t been. Instead, I feel bombarded by responsibilities, weighed down to the point where I sometimes just want to escape. I know I shouldn’t think this way, but my mind is full of regrets and self-criticism. Yesterday was especially hard. I had to work, but my thoughts were heavy and difficult to sort through. I hold myself to such high standards—sometimes too high—and I’m struggling to keep up with them. I don’t know how to make things better for myself.

Last night, I drove out into the country alone. Sitting in my car in the darkness, I broke down and sobbed. The thoughts running through my mind scared me. Sometimes, your own thoughts can be your worst enemy. Earlier in the day, while driving to meet a client to ensure she was receiving the care she needed, my mind wandered to Chris Cornell. Do you know who he is? He was the lead singer of Soundgarden and Audioslave—a close friend of Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder. At 52 years old, he decided to leave this world on his own. There’s been a lot of speculation about why he did it. Maybe the struggle to stay happy became too much. Maybe there were deeper wounds no one saw. I can only guess. But for me, I know this—I’ve often felt like a failure. I mean, I have both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree—wasn’t that supposed to make me feel accomplished? But no, it didn’t. I’m supposed to be happy with the life I’ve built, but I’m not. Somehow, life finds a way to bring anguish—lately, it’s felt relentless.

As I sat alone in my car, my thoughts became darker. For a brief moment, I wondered if leaving—like Chris did—was the answer. That moment terrified me. I burst into tears while driving, realizing I needed to talk to someone. These thoughts creep in when you least expect them. I didn’t even think this way when my ex-husband left me for another woman. My son was a sweet, chubby little boy back then, and I wanted to be there for him. He was my whole world, the reason I kept going. When my ex looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t love you anymore, and I don’t want you,” my only thought was, ‘Okay.’ And I moved on. I was determined. I made plenty of mistakes along the way, but the best choices I ever made were my son and my daughter. If I could go back, I would relive those moments—carrying them in my belly, hearing their first cries. Even when I thought I’d be alone in the hospital after giving birth to my daughter, God sent angels to my side. I wasn’t alone after all. The best feeling is when God shows up just when you need Him most.

Last night, I called the suicide hotline. It’s hard to admit, and honestly, it’s embarrassing. I didn’t want to call my boyfriend—he’d have too many questions, and I didn’t want to explain myself. I didn’t want to look weak. I tried calling people I know, but no one answered. The hotline was what I needed at that moment, but I know I need more. Today, my mission is to get through work, let my boss know I need to make some calls, and reach out for help. I need to talk to someone who will pray with me—who will hold my hand and lift these burdens with me. Right now, the weight of the world feels too heavy, and I can’t carry it alone anymore.

It's FINALLY March! I Get To See You Sweetheart...

It’s the end of February, and March is just around the corner! I couldn’t be more excited because I’ll finally get to see my Texas. I’m heading to Houston for three much-needed days—to soak up the closeness and kisses I’ve been missing. March is shaping up to be a busy month, filled with travels and special moments.

In addition to Houston, I’ll also be heading to California to visit my aunt—my mom’s sister. It’s my daughter’s Spring Break, her last one, which makes this trip even more meaningful. Every year, we travel to Phoenix, AZ, but this year, we’re switching things up and heading to the beaches of California to spend time with her grandma. It’s become a tradition we cherish. I also have an older son—he’s 21 years old. While he’s not joining us on these trips, he has his own adventures. He’s sweet and thoughtful, making long trips just to see his girlfriend. I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s become.

The excitement doesn’t stop there—right after returning from California, I’ll be off to Denver to catch a flight to see my love again. I can’t wait! I have to admit, I’ve never been this excited for a month. Every time we’re together, it feels special. Some days, we’re perfectly content just being lazy at home with the animals—and honestly, those are some of my favorite moments. You’d think a woman like me would want to be spoiled with fancy things, but no—not me. All I want is to be close to the man I love, to feel him, kiss him, and share in those simple, intimate moments. And while there’s more I love about being with him, let’s just say some things are best left unspoken.

As the days draw closer to seeing him again, the intensity between us only grows. I love how we both feel the same—eager to be together, to share our time, and to simply exist in each other’s presence. Our relationship reminds me of my grandparents. My grandma had her home, my grandpa had his, and they’d meet in the middle—she’d cook for him, and he’d bring home the bacon. I’d love to live down the road from him, to visit almost every night, depending on how he feels. It used to be like that. I miss the days when he’d text me after work, letting me know if he was heading home or making a stop along the way. Now, most of our conversations come through Snaps with a simple ‘WYD?’—and I won’t lie, I still get butterflies when I see his name pop up. But nothing compares to hearing his voice—there’s something about it that just melts me.

I’m not sure exactly when love hit me this hard. Maybe it was the night we made love, and he told me to look into his beautiful eyes. It was the way he spoke to me, the way he touched me—it made me fall, completely and irreversibly. From the moment I met him, he’s had a hold on me unlike anyone else ever has. I’ve had other men in my life, but none compares to him. My Texas. He’s the one who’s helped me grow into the woman I am today. I used to be jealous, but he’s taught me to let go of that insecurity. He’s given me a sense of comfort and safety that I never knew I needed.

When he left, it felt like a part of me was torn away. Time has felt cruel and slow ever since. I find myself longing for the days when we’ll be together again—when our lips will meet and our hearts will intertwine as they did the night we met. In both my mind and heart, I hold onto the hope that this feeling never fades. I want to love and cherish everything he is—for as long as life allows.

I love you, Texas. You are the one who makes me a better woman.

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