The New Light In a Relationship

Sometimes there are encounters that seem would be something as a regular thing. In my brain, I have seen dating life as the kind of thing where meeting someone who is just a guy would last for a moment. Admittingly, I will tell you that I date just to be with men. Honestly, I date to feel the closeness of men close to me, skin-to-skin and kissable. Have I thought of a long-term thing? At times there were a few that made me think, maybe this time I could. Honestly, I didn't think it would be possible to have something like that. Especially, for myself, as I have stated my dating life consists of no long-term ideal situations such as a relationship. The short-term relationships that I have had have always been a secretive kind because I was always used to being the one kept in the dark. Always calling on me when they needed me, I am used to that. Never, had I had an encounter where I would be seen with someone and enjoy it!

Aside from the past men who kept me in their rooms as I knew it, it was the kind of life I was content with. It was going to be the norm in my life, due to the fact that I didn't think I could experience a public kind of engagement. I have had two of these men in my life who wanted to be seen with me in public, the other one who is not my kind of guy, I wished he was, only because I liked him and enjoyed him. I mentioned he is the difficult one whom I have called my soul tie. Unfortunately, he is, and has the little side activity of drinking alcohol from time to time, but is totally fun to be with. I think that is what makes it tough to try to forget him. To explain one of our escapades, there were crazy activities we would do. We have a game we would play while driving around town at night. He called it the stop-and-go game. Where I would stop at a stop light or stop sign and initially give him pleasure at the stop sign or light. Then he would let me know when it was time to go. We'd drive on the country roads to play this game in broad daylight and when night came we'd head to town to play stop-and-go. I have to admit, this was my favorite game. In other instances, he would persuade me to drive topless, his eyes made me do it. I don't know what it is about this guy, but he would say it and I would do it. But! I was careful not to do what made me feel uncomfortable, if it was not something I wanted he wouldn't push the issue anymore. Except this last time together and it was the last time, I was going to agree because his eyes and his voice were my downfall. We were supposed to do something together that involved another man. I thought it was something that I could do, something that I wanted. However, it was not. I chickened out of it and told him "no", that was the last time I was with him. 

Sometimes, when you encounter someone like this you think it's what you want, when in all actuality it is all about him. Do you know what the bad part of this is? It is that the guy could give two fucks about me. Right now, I am not even a thought in his brain or a feeling in his heart. It amazes me about human beings and granted, I am the same way, except when the guy has made a place into your soul it becomes hard to live. Yes, this man became my soul tie and it is difficult to kinda be with someone else, especially in the dating world. But good news! I am dating another man who is kind of breaking that cycle for me. The sad part of this is that he is only here for a while and then he goes back to Texas. This is where he is from and I met him on Tinder, great guy and so sweet with some sexy on top. I enjoy being with him, he is so funny and so adoring to me, he treats me like a queen. I have never met a man who treats me like a human being, I was not sure of him and how this was going to go down. The first week of meeting him was super fun, and I have to admit I am a live-on-the-edge kind of woman. We were together one night which was oblivious and very exciting and sexy. So, we ended up staying late out on Main Street, There were a few busy by-passers, but it was safe enough to make a quick steamy encounter in public. Have I ever done this before? I have had public encounters before. It can be exciting and very fun, my date had fun, to be clear he courted me for a week till we couldn't take it anymore. It was my most memorable moment with this nice guy. 

The dates continue and I am amazed at how comfortable I am with him. In the back of my mind, I know this is a temporary thing that we have, and then eventually he will go home and meet other women to date. Because he is in a job that keeps him busy with traveling from one place to another. I am preparing myself when the time comes, I have my heart intact at the moment, but I also know I am a free woman, I have opportunities to carry on. The one thing about this situation is that it is a good run at knowing that I am capable of being in a long-term relationship. I am thankful I met this man because if I had never met this man and allowed him to be with me, I would've never realized this amazing thing that I made it this far and I am ready for a relationship. So, really, this wonderful encounter is a blessing to me, he is a blessing to my life. 

At My Age I Am Content

It was long ago, actually, it was only four years ago. I met this gentleman on a dating site, I believe it was on POF, which is "Plenty Of Fish", it was a nice encounter. In my dating world, my interest is for a casual thing, always looking for the right man to have friends with benefits. We all know that when we say, "I don't want a relationship,"  we think that calling it a "friend with benefits" is safer to state. However, we trick ourselves into stating that we don't want a relationship. When in all actuality we are, and we develop a relationship. When things like this is stated we are setting ourselves up for failure and heartbreak.

It's hard to date in this day and age, a lot of times nowadays there are many who get out of relationships, such as marriages and long-term relationships consisting of love. It tends to be one of the most difficult things to get over, mentally, spiritually, and physically. We hurt ourselves in the process then we tell ourselves negative things that reflect the next person, thus they end up hurt in the long run. One guy let me know that missing someone is an attachment. He reframes himself for using the word "missing" and states that he doesn't want to miss anyone. This guy is still healing from his broken marriage from seven years ago.

It isn't easy to start over again, most of the time we tend to hurt those just because we were hurt by someone else. To be honest this is unfair for humans to treat each other like this. As I have grown into my age of being older in my fifties I find myself to be more gracious and laid back with men. I am not sure what happened, grant it, I do get my feelings hurt from time to time. However, I tend to bounce back pretty quickly from not being loved like I would've liked. I've noticed that for me I see men as a way to live life comfortably. I've noticed that being sober has impressed me of myself. I used to get jealous and upset with men when they are attracted to other women, especially on social media. Now I am not that way, it can sting a bit, but it is something I can deal with much better now. At my age, I have found that I can love them and leave them with no consequences to obtain. To be content is the key to the game, I don't owe anyone anything, therefore I am free to make myself happy. I have loved many men, have they loved me? I would like to think that they did. At least I hope they had an inkling of love for me that developed, and even though the term "missing you" is a forbidden thing, I hope they did.

Dating at 50… and Those Eyes

There is nothing better than turning fifty years old. I am half a century old! I have found being my age is challenging but at the same time very rewarding. I got a Master’s degree at the age of fifty, and I am working toward more goals than ever before. My job is rewarding and I love the organization I am working for. However, my dating life has become another issue to tackle. Why is dating so hard? Sometimes I ask myself that question, but at the same time, it is fun as shit. I can tell you that I was using dating apps as a way to message guys because I was bored at home. Eventually, it was a way to try to find the man who would be the enlightenment in my life. Those kinds of men can eventually be the ones I’d like to see on a consistent basis. There were some possible ones, but there were few. One man I met not too long ago was one such a man.

It was about a month ago when I met him, he was some years younger than me, but he was fun. He did drink beyond more than he could handle. I myself am looking at 3-1/2 years of sobriety from alcohol. I was not worried about wanting to drink with him, although, there were a couple of times where I could have. He was very handsome and he was aware of his feelings. Broken marriages kind of take a toll on a person, that is, if they were in love with the other person. I know this, it took me a long time before I really got over my ex-husband. It’s not easy to deal with a person in your life who desecrates a marriage, and then to try to move on without really moving on. This man I met was so enlightening to my life, that the more I looked into his eyes, the more the flaws were covered. Flaws such as his alcohol use. His eyes were my down fall, I am a woman who falls for eyes that seep into your soul. His eyes did, it absorbed into my flesh that we became one. Well, at least that is what I felt. I fell for it, I became ruined.

It was only three encounters with this man and then he was silenced. No return text messages, nothing to indicate that we were ever together, it was silent. When this happened, I have to admit it hurt me. I didn’t even spend my life with him, but it hurt. I cried a bit and I questioned a lot. The whole thing was crap, why would I allow such feelings to effect me? This affected me in such a way that he is always in my thoughts, I tell ya it’s the eyes that made me crazy. I didn’t respond to him, I kept myself silent as well. The only thing I am doing now is hoping for the best for him. I wish and hope that he is going to heal from whatever he is struggling with.

In some way, I think I realized why he had such an impact on me. It’s because he reminds me of myself. His drinking and his demeanor in relationships. When he was a sloppy drunk, I could relate to him, I saw who I was in this man. I wanted to take care of what I saw in him. It was like I was drawn to the person of myself I saw in this man, and I wanted to comfort him. Maybe, he is still in love with his ex-wife and he is hurting because of that. This revelation of him reminding me of me was astonishing. It was like I was shot in the face. The bullet hit at just the right spot, lodged in an area that broke into the flesh and severed a wound not forgetting. You know the kind of metaphoric realization of discovery. If a revelation felt, it was like that.

My daughter

 Yesterday was my beautiful daughter's birthday; she turned 15 years old. She is now 15 years old! What a journey from finding out I was pregnant with her to grow into a beautiful young lady; yesterday, I was reminiscing on her baby pictures and how perfect she is. I was overwhelmed with her sweetness of her and the remarkable way she was created for me. 

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was in a place that began a journey to major singleness. My husband a the time found his soulmate amid our marriage and left, and that was okay. It wasn't too long that I found myself dating other men and working at the coal mines of Wyoming. There were plenty of men available to date me; I was not too alone. It was an exciting time in Wright, WY; in all the hustle and bustle, I met a man who was different from my ex-husband. He was not a Texan but an Oregan, South Dakotan guy. However, I did not know much about him; I only thought he was very friendly and good-looking. He was a welder at the coal mine we worked at; I was working as a wash bay attendant cleaning equipment and having fun driving and operating the colossal equipment on site. It was a 12-shift hour job with a combination shift schedule. Lots of living at the coal mine met a lot of good, hardworking men and learned a lot from them. We had our share of fun drinking and hanging out at Hank's Bar located in Wright. That was my place to pick up my alcohol and use it to sleep with after my graveyard shifts. Anyway, we had fun, when I met this guy I noticed him the first time he started working there. We chatted at first, and then we ended up hanging out, I knew he had a girlfriend, but I was in the clouds by how he treated me. 

We ended up having a time alone, and there was when he got me pregnant; while we were together, he mentioned that he could not have kids due to his severe cancer treatments. He told me of his horrible journey as a cancer patient. He is definitely a fighter. I was glad that he was alive, and I had the opportunity to have him in my life for a brief moment. When I found out about my pregnancy, I was confused and shocked that I was pregnant and scared shitless. Here I am, a 34-year woman, an already a single mother who was still broken from a broken heart from the husband who left my son and me, and now I am pregnant. I can still remember looking at the pregnancy test. I stood still; I was thinking of the negative that would occur, but also thinking about what I was going to tell the father of my child? Instead, I looked up to Jesus and thanked Him for my beautiful gift. Then after that, everything negative completely faded into thin air. I was excited, and I didn't care how hard it would be with my soon-to-be two kids. I was happy. Our journey began, just my son and my daughter and me. Now my kids are nearly all grown up, and I will soon see them become so much more in their lives. I'll tell more about my pregnancy at the coal mine and the father later. 

My daughter was a huge stepping stone and a huge blessing to all of us in the Yellow family and extended as well. Our lives were complete with my little girl. However, I wished I had gotten pregnant with my daughter's dad again. Just one more to have her grow up with another sibling... HA!

It's My Weekend Off!

 Even though there are a lot of things going on this weekend, I still can not go anywhere with my kids. Well my daughter because my son has to work this weekend, that's okay. Also, I have a final due this weekend, this morning though, I took the time to clean my living room. I recently purchased an air purifier for our home, due to our three dogs have accumulated an enormous amount of dust and dander in our home.  My kids received the package from FedEx and they took it out of the box brand new and already the purifier is collecting so much dust and dander. I told my daughter I would have to purchase another air purifier for our rooms. Two in the living room and one in our bedroom, it's insane how much dust is in the air, especially in our living room. I am overwhelmed by the dust, but I keep telling myself that I asked for it, I took on the stress of having dogs.

Another thing is that one of my other dogs is digging its way out of our perfectly made chain link fence, escaping into the neighborhood. I had to fix the last hole he dug and literally our dog moved cinder blocks away from the area of the hole! It worked for a while, until this morning, I caught him digging another hole under the chain-link fence. I was furious at him, now he is in his kennel, so now, I have to fix another hole dug from under the chain-link fence. I am glad that I have this weekend off even though I have a final due tomorrow, I am still thankful for this weekend. 

I know there are things in life that go on and on, however, I had to take a small tiny break from my studies. Life gets too hectic and it gets stressful, my daughter has a birthday coming up and I want to make it special for her. Saving money is a challenge for me and for my daughter. We decided last night to make it a team effort to leave funds alone on one of our debit cards. Her goal is to save at least $1000.00 for her trip to Phoenix, AZ. I am praying that all will be good to go to do that. It has always been a challenge to do this, but I think this would be a great way to learn along with her and with me in it. I hope we can do it and make it happen. 

I am still on my studies, having a discussion due tomorrow my brain is getting there in exhaustion. I try not to feel exhausted or defeated in my goals towards a better life for my family. My son who is 18 years old will be working on his certificate in Cyber Security, I pray that he accomplishes the final journey to receiving a certificate. So it would be just me and my daughter withstanding the time together. It seems so fast how life just goes on, one of the things in my life is trying to make it as a Native American Woman in Western Society.

As a single mother, it sucks. I have always hated being a single mother, seeing other women work in their household while the hubby brings home extra money to pay for bills. My parents were that way until my mom was hit with diabetes. I hate diabetes too. Life throws those curve balls and you have to dodge them somehow. So I am a Christian woman, however, I like to call myself a Jesus lover, Christ-follower, anyway, I love Jesus Christ. I am constantly talking to Him every day, constantly crying to Him... literally. An example is yesterday, I am not really a fussy employee, I try not to be and I also try not to see differences. I wasn't raised that way. But, since working at the organization that I work at which is over a year, I have never felt accepted. I try to do the job accordingly, I really do my best to meet the needs of the providers and the patients. However, it's that acceptance from others who seem to think I am not good enough to do the job of a Care Coordinator.

It's predominately a white company, the upper people are all white, with the exception of some Spanish employees who work there. I guess what really bothered me yesterday was the fact that I was never given a raise after working my full year. I kept thinking in my head, maybe next paycheck they'll surely put that quarter raise on there. Two weeks go by, and then another, then the same. No quarter raise like I had anticipated. I wonder how many other employees have been given their quarter raise? I know it's just a quarter, but to me, that is my integrity and my pride in my job. I know I shouldn't give a big woop about it, but I do, nowadays, especially being a single Native American Indian woman in Western Society does really mean a lot.

Continuing In Life As Usual

    I am not sure how to start this blog that I have had from time to time, the last blog, I was supposed to run. However, in that month, I was subdued to the flu, the cold, and bronchitis. I hate January's they always seem to bring the most horrible aspect of either being ill from the flu or some unexpected surgical emergency. Luckily, it was just the flu and bronchial infections, that, I am very thankful for. One thing to note is I am doing my keto lifestyle again, and it has been really great. I love feeling better about myself and knowing that I can fail at it and not feel guilty. I don't drink alcohol anymore, completely sober, except enjoying my kombucha (having at least 1% alcohol) now and then, my daughter is always getting on me about that, she is such a little mommy to me when it should be the other way around. She says, "It adds up mom, only drink it... like never!" I am so pleased with her as a daughter, she has been through a lot this past year with the pandemic going on, and changing as a young lady. My son struggled as well, it has been a fight to get through these teen years for him. But his journey still continues, I am hopeful for him to be successful in life with whatever his heart desires. For both my children, their generation is going to be the ones who are going to be the strongest and be the most successful. At least that is what I believe of them.

    Recently, I've had a change in my position as a Care Coordinator, I am taking on a new position. Instead of working with the older population concerning Annual Wellness Visits (AWV), I will be working in the area of Pediatrics at the main building of our division. At first, I wasn't sure if I made the right decision, but the more and more I thought of it, I was thinking this was an opportunity to explore other areas of the division. I am also still pursuing my Masters in Healthcare Management in Public Health. Which I thought would help in understanding the operations or the layout of how a primary care organization would run. In the other area of my job, I learned a lot as far as Medicare and Medicaid are concerned along with other primary health insurances patients utilize. The patterns of ER usage in the hospital and how we can help alleviate the overuse of emergency care. It isn't an easy task to take on, however with collaboration involved with other care management and coordinators, we can at least help patients in a better quality of care. Really, that is what it is all about, quality of care and also being able to help patients have access to healthcare services. These are the things I have greatly learned while being in the healthcare sector, and it has only been a year to learn all these fundamentals of what a healthcare organization is all about. It is so interesting, as well as obtaining the knowledge in an organization that caters to a population in need. It is definitely a huge spectrum of healthcare, and I really enjoy it.