Thinking too Much Can Destroy a Good Thing

In the last week, my mind has been so crazy. I do not know why the mind has to think too much. So the last few weeks my mind has just been in a frenzy of thoughts, I don't know why? Maybe, because of my insecurities. I hate that I have insecurities, I hate that I don't feel like I have any trust in the one person I love. The other day, I felt so bad that I neglected to communicate with my friend, my lover man Texas. I know we are friends who love experiences together, and we are friends who enjoy being with each other and respect one another, I respect him as someone who has feelings. Even though he doesn't want to admit he does, I know he does. Anyway, it is Sunday and my daughter who loves to attend the evening services of church, let me know that she wants to participate in that evening. I was obliged to do so and go with her. So we went together, it takes me a while to want to go to church, but I do. However, as a confession, my mind was battling the whole service of the thoughts of Texas. Because I turned my phone to airplane mode. While I was in church, all I thought of was him, and I was hoping he knew that I was in church, because I didn't relay the message to him that I was going to be in church with my daughter.

The feeling of neglecting a person bothers me. I hate that feeling of just shutting off the ones I love or the feeling of someone shutting me off. It really bothered me, I was not happy with myself. After church my daughter wanted to take me to dinner, so after church, I was anxious to get on my phone to let him know that I just got out of the church with my daughter. I saw the message on Snapchat, and on my regular phone, oh my heart sank. My mind started to race to the thoughts of "You stupid woman" you forgot to communicate to him. I immediately messaged him back and let him know that we just got out of the church, and I was about to have dinner with my daughter. He seemed a bit irritated, but I was not sure. If it was me? Or if he actually was? However, if I was him, I would've been very irritated. His response was, "I'm already eating and when you didn't respond I left cause I was hungry." I let him know that I was happy he got something to eat. Then I let him know what was going on, and what the plan was with my daughter, even though I still felt bad. I guess it's because I value the way he feels, that is if he has feelings, I'm smiling at what I just typed. I know that Texas has feelings, because I feel his love and kindness towards me, even though sometimes he can be an ass, but to me, he is a sweet ass. He is my sweet ass. 

I called him that night to hear his voice and just to let him know that we just got home. I also wanted to let him know that I was sorry for not letting him know about that evening. He seemed irritated with me, and somehow I think he didn't believe me. His response was, "It's okay, ARE WE MARRIED?" I was taken aback at the response, I said, "No, we are not, I just felt bad about it." It was then I knew, and you always know, the one person that you care so much about, is the one person you don't ever want to hurt. What I mean is that I could never want to hurt my friend whom I love very much. I suppose, what I mean is that I could never want to sneak around and lie to my friend because it would hurt me so much. Or say anything negative about him, now, in my mind, there is much negativity that I have to tell my Jesus about, and I'm smiling at what I'm typing. But, it usually disappears after a day or two, and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. The next day, I had to explain how I felt about us, our friendship, and how I felt about unintentionally blocking our conversations for just an hour, but I should've let him know what the plan was with my daughter because I didn't want him to worry about me and our friendship. I let him know that I value him as a friend of mine, I value who he is because, after all, we will have known each other for a whole year. His response was unexpected to me because he is not a feely smooshy kind of man. But he let me know that he appreciated me, and appreciated my message to him. I know that he is a beautiful man, he really is, I may have outrageous thoughts that go off the deep end, but he is my friend. I am not sure how I will feel when he is gone, when friendships that I develop over time and then we don't communicate for a long time, it seems that we can pick up where we left off. I believe, that even though we may be disconnected in the future, we will always pick up where we left off. I love you Texas, always. You are my sweet sexy ass that will never leave my mind. Even if I tried, I know you wouldn't allow it.

The Story of a Fifty Something Year Old Navajo Woman

It's 4:00 am in the morning, I lay in bed thinking that I need to get up. But, I hit the snooze button and slept for 30 min. By this time I have to get up and greet the morning, it's hard to get up and start the day and make your bed. I do it anyway, I look at my phone and my Texas man Snapchatted me last night and missed it because I was asleep. This week was a bizarre week for me, last week was a bit better than this week. I felt normal before, but now, not that great. Yesterday, driving home from work, my mind was in a whirlwind. I am not sure why my stomach was in knots, am I getting delusional about everything in my life? Not sure if it's because of the extra stress that is on me this week? Or if the knots in my belly are telling me there is something wrong and am I going to be humiliated by the one man I think is my friend? I haven't eaten at all this week because of the deepening stress of the unknown. Is there something that he is keeping from me? When I feel like this I try to overcome it and move on from this awful feeling, I pray to God to reveal whatever it is that is making me feel this way.

I sat in my car in front of my home crying and sobbing in prayer talking to Jesus to take this feeling away. The pit of my stomach is twisted in knots and the feeling of betrayal is deep. I am not sure if Jesus had that same feeling in the pit of His stomach when he was weeping at Gethsemane before the Romans took Him away. It was then the revelation of Judas's kiss on the cheek revealed the betrayal as the Romans arrested Jesus. Jesus knows what betrayal feels like, maybe, it is one of those things that we all have. It's like a curse to have that feeling of sickening feeling. The last time I had this feeling was when my ex-husband was seeing someone else. I knew it, and for some reason, he kept it from me and I believe it was to protect the woman he was seeing. I understand, then at the same time, I don't. If a man is protecting a woman from another woman, just tell the woman you're with the truth so she can move on. It's that simple. I hate to be the one who is the idiot who hangs around to the end of the relationship that is going to end when they leave.

I would rather not continue this thing I agreed to, and then stop. Because this feeling really sucks. I fell in love with this guy and we did have an agreement when we met that it was going to be this way. I really don't want to continue if this feeling of sickness continues and he is not honest with me. Friends don't treat friends this way. When he leaves, I will leave too, I will heal as I have always done. But, I would rather do it now. I don't want to be friends with a man who thinks he has another woman who he can use as a prop when he is lonely while he finds a woman to fuck. There is also the list of women friends this guy has that reach out to him every day, it's so cool, not. The women are his friends and he gets calls from them every day, he is constantly saying, they call for dating advice and they always want his opinion. He raises them up to get them going, to make sure they are living well. His intention is to have me as part of his list of stupid women who are dumb and lonely and not independent enough to do it on their own. I would rather not be one of those stupid women. No contact after this shit show is done and he will be another memory like the rest. On his part, he did his job and he can get over it like it was another normal day. 

Some things are good, and days can be just good, depending on the person you're with. To have a friend is to be honest and true to them. at least that is what I think a friend is supposed to be. I do wear my love on my sleeves, especially when I spend a large amount of time with someone. I want to explain myself of what exactly a woman I have become. I thank my ex-husband for making me this way, it really is the way that I have always lived. When a friend lies to me or a man who is a lover of mine becomes friends with me, then eventually betrays me, I eliminate them from my life, there is no going back at all. I have an explicit action that engages no contact from them. It will be as if I have fallen off the face of the earth and never was known in their lives. Sometimes, it doesn't happen quickly, in the past there has been a few that have come back into my life, but I was drunk, so it was easy to trick me. I am sober now, it is easy for me to shut down people out of my life without any form of contact. Plus, I am a hard-headed woman and that is a plus for me. I particularly don't like to put up with people who play kind to me have their way with me and lie to me while we're friends. In my world, the lonely defiant, hard-pressed woman comes out. I suppose it is good because if the garbage of unkind, unloyal, dishonest people is in my life now, I can discard them unequivocally and it will help me grow beautifully. As long as they are completely out of my life. I can look forward to breathing again and gaining the strength to live and endure. Then somewhere down the road, I'll do it all over again. This is the story of a 50-something-year-old single Navajo woman, it's good to be me.