At My Age I Am Content

It was long ago, actually, it was only four years ago. I met this gentleman on a dating site, I believe it was on POF, which is "Plenty Of Fish", it was a nice encounter. In my dating world, my interest is for a casual thing, always looking for the right man to have friends with benefits. We all know that when we say, "I don't want a relationship,"  we think that calling it a "friend with benefits" is safer to state. However, we trick ourselves into stating that we don't want a relationship. When in all actuality we are, and we develop a relationship. When things like this is stated we are setting ourselves up for failure and heartbreak.

It's hard to date in this day and age, a lot of times nowadays there are many who get out of relationships, such as marriages and long-term relationships consisting of love. It tends to be one of the most difficult things to get over, mentally, spiritually, and physically. We hurt ourselves in the process then we tell ourselves negative things that reflect the next person, thus they end up hurt in the long run. One guy let me know that missing someone is an attachment. He reframes himself for using the word "missing" and states that he doesn't want to miss anyone. This guy is still healing from his broken marriage from seven years ago.

It isn't easy to start over again, most of the time we tend to hurt those just because we were hurt by someone else. To be honest this is unfair for humans to treat each other like this. As I have grown into my age of being older in my fifties I find myself to be more gracious and laid back with men. I am not sure what happened, grant it, I do get my feelings hurt from time to time. However, I tend to bounce back pretty quickly from not being loved like I would've liked. I've noticed that for me I see men as a way to live life comfortably. I've noticed that being sober has impressed me of myself. I used to get jealous and upset with men when they are attracted to other women, especially on social media. Now I am not that way, it can sting a bit, but it is something I can deal with much better now. At my age, I have found that I can love them and leave them with no consequences to obtain. To be content is the key to the game, I don't owe anyone anything, therefore I am free to make myself happy. I have loved many men, have they loved me? I would like to think that they did. At least I hope they had an inkling of love for me that developed, and even though the term "missing you" is a forbidden thing, I hope they did.

Dating at 50… and Those Eyes

There is nothing better than turning fifty years old. I am half a century old! I have found being my age is challenging but at the same time very rewarding. I got a Master’s degree at the age of fifty, and I am working toward more goals than ever before. My job is rewarding and I love the organization I am working for. However, my dating life has become another issue to tackle. Why is dating so hard? Sometimes I ask myself that question, but at the same time, it is fun as shit. I can tell you that I was using dating apps as a way to message guys because I was bored at home. Eventually, it was a way to try to find the man who would be the enlightenment in my life. Those kinds of men can eventually be the ones I’d like to see on a consistent basis. There were some possible ones, but there were few. One man I met not too long ago was one such a man.

It was about a month ago when I met him, he was some years younger than me, but he was fun. He did drink beyond more than he could handle. I myself am looking at 3-1/2 years of sobriety from alcohol. I was not worried about wanting to drink with him, although, there were a couple of times where I could have. He was very handsome and he was aware of his feelings. Broken marriages kind of take a toll on a person, that is, if they were in love with the other person. I know this, it took me a long time before I really got over my ex-husband. It’s not easy to deal with a person in your life who desecrates a marriage, and then to try to move on without really moving on. This man I met was so enlightening to my life, that the more I looked into his eyes, the more the flaws were covered. Flaws such as his alcohol use. His eyes were my down fall, I am a woman who falls for eyes that seep into your soul. His eyes did, it absorbed into my flesh that we became one. Well, at least that is what I felt. I fell for it, I became ruined.

It was only three encounters with this man and then he was silenced. No return text messages, nothing to indicate that we were ever together, it was silent. When this happened, I have to admit it hurt me. I didn’t even spend my life with him, but it hurt. I cried a bit and I questioned a lot. The whole thing was crap, why would I allow such feelings to effect me? This affected me in such a way that he is always in my thoughts, I tell ya it’s the eyes that made me crazy. I didn’t respond to him, I kept myself silent as well. The only thing I am doing now is hoping for the best for him. I wish and hope that he is going to heal from whatever he is struggling with.

In some way, I think I realized why he had such an impact on me. It’s because he reminds me of myself. His drinking and his demeanor in relationships. When he was a sloppy drunk, I could relate to him, I saw who I was in this man. I wanted to take care of what I saw in him. It was like I was drawn to the person of myself I saw in this man, and I wanted to comfort him. Maybe, he is still in love with his ex-wife and he is hurting because of that. This revelation of him reminding me of me was astonishing. It was like I was shot in the face. The bullet hit at just the right spot, lodged in an area that broke into the flesh and severed a wound not forgetting. You know the kind of metaphoric realization of discovery. If a revelation felt, it was like that.

My daughter

 Yesterday was my beautiful daughter's birthday; she turned 15 years old. She is now 15 years old! What a journey from finding out I was pregnant with her to grow into a beautiful young lady; yesterday, I was reminiscing on her baby pictures and how perfect she is. I was overwhelmed with her sweetness of her and the remarkable way she was created for me. 

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was in a place that began a journey to major singleness. My husband a the time found his soulmate amid our marriage and left, and that was okay. It wasn't too long that I found myself dating other men and working at the coal mines of Wyoming. There were plenty of men available to date me; I was not too alone. It was an exciting time in Wright, WY; in all the hustle and bustle, I met a man who was different from my ex-husband. He was not a Texan but an Oregan, South Dakotan guy. However, I did not know much about him; I only thought he was very friendly and good-looking. He was a welder at the coal mine we worked at; I was working as a wash bay attendant cleaning equipment and having fun driving and operating the colossal equipment on site. It was a 12-shift hour job with a combination shift schedule. Lots of living at the coal mine met a lot of good, hardworking men and learned a lot from them. We had our share of fun drinking and hanging out at Hank's Bar located in Wright. That was my place to pick up my alcohol and use it to sleep with after my graveyard shifts. Anyway, we had fun, when I met this guy I noticed him the first time he started working there. We chatted at first, and then we ended up hanging out, I knew he had a girlfriend, but I was in the clouds by how he treated me. 

We ended up having a time alone, and there was when he got me pregnant; while we were together, he mentioned that he could not have kids due to his severe cancer treatments. He told me of his horrible journey as a cancer patient. He is definitely a fighter. I was glad that he was alive, and I had the opportunity to have him in my life for a brief moment. When I found out about my pregnancy, I was confused and shocked that I was pregnant and scared shitless. Here I am, a 34-year woman, an already a single mother who was still broken from a broken heart from the husband who left my son and me, and now I am pregnant. I can still remember looking at the pregnancy test. I stood still; I was thinking of the negative that would occur, but also thinking about what I was going to tell the father of my child? Instead, I looked up to Jesus and thanked Him for my beautiful gift. Then after that, everything negative completely faded into thin air. I was excited, and I didn't care how hard it would be with my soon-to-be two kids. I was happy. Our journey began, just my son and my daughter and me. Now my kids are nearly all grown up, and I will soon see them become so much more in their lives. I'll tell more about my pregnancy at the coal mine and the father later. 

My daughter was a huge stepping stone and a huge blessing to all of us in the Yellow family and extended as well. Our lives were complete with my little girl. However, I wished I had gotten pregnant with my daughter's dad again. Just one more to have her grow up with another sibling... HA!

It's My Weekend Off!

 Even though there are a lot of things going on this weekend, I still can not go anywhere with my kids. Well my daughter because my son has to work this weekend, that's okay. Also, I have a final due this weekend, this morning though, I took the time to clean my living room. I recently purchased an air purifier for our home, due to our three dogs have accumulated an enormous amount of dust and dander in our home.  My kids received the package from FedEx and they took it out of the box brand new and already the purifier is collecting so much dust and dander. I told my daughter I would have to purchase another air purifier for our rooms. Two in the living room and one in our bedroom, it's insane how much dust is in the air, especially in our living room. I am overwhelmed by the dust, but I keep telling myself that I asked for it, I took on the stress of having dogs.

Another thing is that one of my other dogs is digging its way out of our perfectly made chain link fence, escaping into the neighborhood. I had to fix the last hole he dug and literally our dog moved cinder blocks away from the area of the hole! It worked for a while, until this morning, I caught him digging another hole under the chain-link fence. I was furious at him, now he is in his kennel, so now, I have to fix another hole dug from under the chain-link fence. I am glad that I have this weekend off even though I have a final due tomorrow, I am still thankful for this weekend. 

I know there are things in life that go on and on, however, I had to take a small tiny break from my studies. Life gets too hectic and it gets stressful, my daughter has a birthday coming up and I want to make it special for her. Saving money is a challenge for me and for my daughter. We decided last night to make it a team effort to leave funds alone on one of our debit cards. Her goal is to save at least $1000.00 for her trip to Phoenix, AZ. I am praying that all will be good to go to do that. It has always been a challenge to do this, but I think this would be a great way to learn along with her and with me in it. I hope we can do it and make it happen. 

I am still on my studies, having a discussion due tomorrow my brain is getting there in exhaustion. I try not to feel exhausted or defeated in my goals towards a better life for my family. My son who is 18 years old will be working on his certificate in Cyber Security, I pray that he accomplishes the final journey to receiving a certificate. So it would be just me and my daughter withstanding the time together. It seems so fast how life just goes on, one of the things in my life is trying to make it as a Native American Woman in Western Society.

As a single mother, it sucks. I have always hated being a single mother, seeing other women work in their household while the hubby brings home extra money to pay for bills. My parents were that way until my mom was hit with diabetes. I hate diabetes too. Life throws those curve balls and you have to dodge them somehow. So I am a Christian woman, however, I like to call myself a Jesus lover, Christ-follower, anyway, I love Jesus Christ. I am constantly talking to Him every day, constantly crying to Him... literally. An example is yesterday, I am not really a fussy employee, I try not to be and I also try not to see differences. I wasn't raised that way. But, since working at the organization that I work at which is over a year, I have never felt accepted. I try to do the job accordingly, I really do my best to meet the needs of the providers and the patients. However, it's that acceptance from others who seem to think I am not good enough to do the job of a Care Coordinator.

It's predominately a white company, the upper people are all white, with the exception of some Spanish employees who work there. I guess what really bothered me yesterday was the fact that I was never given a raise after working my full year. I kept thinking in my head, maybe next paycheck they'll surely put that quarter raise on there. Two weeks go by, and then another, then the same. No quarter raise like I had anticipated. I wonder how many other employees have been given their quarter raise? I know it's just a quarter, but to me, that is my integrity and my pride in my job. I know I shouldn't give a big woop about it, but I do, nowadays, especially being a single Native American Indian woman in Western Society does really mean a lot.

Continuing In Life As Usual

    I am not sure how to start this blog that I have had from time to time, the last blog, I was supposed to run. However, in that month, I was subdued to the flu, the cold, and bronchitis. I hate January's they always seem to bring the most horrible aspect of either being ill from the flu or some unexpected surgical emergency. Luckily, it was just the flu and bronchial infections, that, I am very thankful for. One thing to note is I am doing my keto lifestyle again, and it has been really great. I love feeling better about myself and knowing that I can fail at it and not feel guilty. I don't drink alcohol anymore, completely sober, except enjoying my kombucha (having at least 1% alcohol) now and then, my daughter is always getting on me about that, she is such a little mommy to me when it should be the other way around. She says, "It adds up mom, only drink it... like never!" I am so pleased with her as a daughter, she has been through a lot this past year with the pandemic going on, and changing as a young lady. My son struggled as well, it has been a fight to get through these teen years for him. But his journey still continues, I am hopeful for him to be successful in life with whatever his heart desires. For both my children, their generation is going to be the ones who are going to be the strongest and be the most successful. At least that is what I believe of them.

    Recently, I've had a change in my position as a Care Coordinator, I am taking on a new position. Instead of working with the older population concerning Annual Wellness Visits (AWV), I will be working in the area of Pediatrics at the main building of our division. At first, I wasn't sure if I made the right decision, but the more and more I thought of it, I was thinking this was an opportunity to explore other areas of the division. I am also still pursuing my Masters in Healthcare Management in Public Health. Which I thought would help in understanding the operations or the layout of how a primary care organization would run. In the other area of my job, I learned a lot as far as Medicare and Medicaid are concerned along with other primary health insurances patients utilize. The patterns of ER usage in the hospital and how we can help alleviate the overuse of emergency care. It isn't an easy task to take on, however with collaboration involved with other care management and coordinators, we can at least help patients in a better quality of care. Really, that is what it is all about, quality of care and also being able to help patients have access to healthcare services. These are the things I have greatly learned while being in the healthcare sector, and it has only been a year to learn all these fundamentals of what a healthcare organization is all about. It is so interesting, as well as obtaining the knowledge in an organization that caters to a population in need. It is definitely a huge spectrum of healthcare, and I really enjoy it.

 The New Year 2022

Today is the third of January of another brand new year, our family had a pleasant time together during New Year's Eve. This was my second year being sober during New Year's Eve as well, it was just my kids and I at home just watching the time of finale with the fireworks going off in the neighborhood. Our dogs were uneasy with the bombing sounds of fireworks going off in celebration. The one thing we didn't do was go outside to watch the display, it was so cold, there was snow finishing off from a storm that came through. It was absolutely amazing with New Year's Eve, the snow was wet and cold, but at the last, it was settling into being a powder effect. I loved the weather, the more the snow the better it would be, when weather like this arises in our area, I am very thankful and pray more weather like this will continue. A lot of people do not like it, the only reason why I love it is when summers come around it becomes so much better for us to enjoy. The animals are happier with the water available and the fish is abundant with life.

When the first day finally arrived and January was here, I was able to start on a challenge I signed up for on Facebook prior to the beginning of the New Year. American Red Cross funding page was presented to me, over and over while skimming through my Facebook. I thought this would be a great opportunity to catch up on my cardio. I have to have cardio workouts, I have to admit as I have always admitted that I have a body image issue. I am never happy with my body, the only thing that irritates me is my belly, I am reminded of my mother who was the same concerning her weight. She hated her belly fat, and I am exactly the same as she was, frustrated with the fact that I can't fit into anything! However, my daughter and I are attending a training class together and it has been really good. I really enjoy the time in the gym to learn about our physical strength and to build more on that strength. Anyway, as I was starting the next day on New Years Day I was able to start my miles to achieve. The miles we have to meet for the month of January 2022 is 60 miles. So on my first day, I achieved 2.33 miles of walking, I wanted to jog the miles, but it was so snowy and thick outside that I couldn't do it. I suppose I could have tried, I ended up walking due to the slick places of the trail ahead of me, there were streets covered in snow, the sidewalks were covered in snow as well. I needed to walk, I thought maybe going to the gym, there is the treadmill that can be of use to generate the needed miles by jogging it. I would like to do 3 miles or if I was bored, maybe more if my body can handle it. 

So much goes into having the perfect New Year's Day start, people on Facebook posted dinners with blackeye peas and corn beef for good luck. It was a busy day, and maybe there were some who were stressed as well, and also dreadful, talking about kids going back to school. My kids are in dread going back to school. Oh yes, and the second day of January I put in 2 miles again. Today after work, I hope to put more miles in for the American Red Cross funding. My goal for donations is $250.00, my page on my Facebook is https://www.facebook.com/donate/3055887481290720/, please if you are reading this blog, can you donate any amount. It will help so much, I will continue to put in the miles for the month of January 2022.