Today Will Be One Year

Today, it is the day when we met tonight at Starbucks on North Avenue in Grand Junction Colorado. This day last year, we met on Tinder two days ago, or should I say, two nights ago. I often wonder why we met, how did two souls meet? I have always heard of stories that couples meet on Tinder and it works, I have never really believed that I would meet someone long-term. When we first met, it was love at first sight. I didn’t really believe in that either. However, when I met him, it felt as though it was. When I first met and saw him, I was attracted to him. There is an entry in my blog about when we first met and the night we finally got to meet. The funny thing was that when we were together, it felt as though I had known him already. Like, I had met him before, we started to get to know each other and we conversed with our coffee, his unsweet tea in front of him. We laughed and he looked at me like I was a shiny toy, and I loved that feeling. For me, I was not used to this feeling of a man acting excited like a little boy. He was that night, to me I thought he was crazy to act like I was some huge prize, but he made me feel that way. I didn’t know if I was the one who was crazy, but I went with it, I just didn’t think at the time, that an actual man would think of me otherwise. However, now I know that he did in fact see me as more than I thought of myself. At the time, I was not thoughtful of myself, let alone most men who are on dating sites. I was thinking he was going to be this one-night stand thing. Well, one year later… I guess I was wrong.

I suppose, in my mind, I had this idea that when he stated short-term, I was thinking maybe at most 6 months and that was going to be the end of the thing that we had. We actually had an agreement. The agreement was to be this sexual thing and have fun with one another. However, conversations turn into deep thoughts of life, watching each other grow in our position of life, and meet each other at a deeper connective level. I started to love the control level he possessed over me. I never knew that subtle control in a man would be sexy, to have that realization was a bombshell in my mind. There were a lot of good times, a lot of first times with him, like a real couple thing. I loved every moment of it. 

When you are a woman of certain desires, it’s interesting that they can come to fruition at such a late age in life. Being an older woman, helps me appreciate intimacy at a very intriguing level. In my whole womanhood life did I ever think that there were some interesting healthy sexual activities to be explored? I know I am going deep, but, this is my page I can be as open to what my life as a 50-something woman experiences. At my age, I think it’s important to know the key aspects of who we are as women. The later age is often taboo to admit and realize women in their 50s or even 60s do have wonderful sexual experiences. Some may think no, not really, or untrue. To me, I am having the time of my life with someone I love at a deeper level. I am not sure what life will entail after he leaves me. All I know is that I am thankful for now, I am thankful for the time I have with Texas, and I hope we can enjoy one another on another new level. Whatever happens to us as life carries on, I will always keep him in my mind and in my heart all the days of my life. He will be the only man I will treasure, and the only man I have ever truly loved. Happy Year Anniversary my sexy Texas man, you are the love of my life for now, until you leave me. 

The Battleground of The Mind

I don't understand why the thoughts in my mind are going crazy? Why am I thinking so much and making myself crazy, it has gotten to the point that I'm unable to eat. Last night I had to pray hard for the Lord to help my mind, to take away thoughts that were hindering my body. I was in tears just begging God to help me. My gut was wrenching in pain, and I just couldn't think right. When I prayed and begged the Lord to help me, I felt alone, like the world had crumbled around me. All I could do was clean, wash the dishes, take stuff out of my car, rearrange, and I just couldn't sit, because sitting causes me to think. Why in thought does it make you crazy? I don't understand the depth of the mind, it's as though it is the battleground that sabotages the happiness of yourself. In the past, I have sabotaged the good things in my life. My mind was the enemy, and it still is apparently, it goes in a whirlwind of exterior things that are delusional. The delusion of the mind can play tricks on you. It's very concerning. All I can ask is, is it the past experiences of things that cause the mind to get out of control? While I am thinking all these things, the words that are being typed, I wonder what a counselor would say? How do they approach individuals who struggle with the mind of someone who thinks too much? I suppose the best thing is to keep moving and create a space where you do things to keep from sitting and thinking too much. 

Last night when I was in thought and it was going so out of control that my stomach was sick, I couldn't think of anything else but to pray. While praying to Jesus, I stood at the kitchen sink silently weeping, hoping my daughter didn't hear me. The prayers at the speed of 123, 123, 123, 123. Over and over again, I summoned the Holy Spirit to cover my mind, to cover the brain cells, the chemicals that were intertwining within the fibers of my brain. I wanted the thoughts of something terrible to stop, and hoping they would disappear; the feeling of, "I know it", "I felt it", but was it real? At the end of processing myself and reevaluating my thoughts and how I was feeling, my mind settled down. My body started to feel less anxious, less stressed, and less mindful. I felt relief, I felt as though the enemy fled from me and I could breathe again. It was then I thought, I have to keep moving in prayer, I know the mind is a terrible place especially when a good thing in your life is there. My Texas is my dopamine, my serotonin, I realize this and I need to get my mind in check again. I don't know why the feelings of defeat are upon me, and I am just anxious. I feel helpless, and I need to be strong, I have to gain momentum again and set aside the uncertainty of what the future holds with another person. First of all, it shouldn't be an issue, life is built on how things come together, whether it be the forces of nature or the way we live. 

I will need to get myself a counselor for the rest of the year and beyond, I will be delving into a life of commitment, a life that consists of reading and filling my brain with a goal in mind. In my mind, I want to hold the current friendship through this commitment, but I am afraid to do it. I'm afraid because I might lose the friendship through the goal I'm aiming for. I suppose that is what it takes, trusting that the way is going to be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I have to have the courage to move forward, to set aside some things in my life, and know in my heart that sometimes when things in life come together it is the foundation that is being built. I am always reminded of this, "Take courage in yourself, take courage, and do not fear..."