Tonight I am awake and I cannot sleep, maybe it's because I had some coffee early in the evening. Last night I spent some quality time with my boyfriend, let's just say he is my boyfriend. I haven't written an entry on my blog lately, there have been some changes in my life. I have a new job and the process of trying to go back to school to get my doctorate degree. Then there is my boyfriend who I am still seeing and enjoying every minute of my time with him. The days go by quick and soon he will be gone. As fast as he appeared in my life, he would leave very quickly from my life. It is late and I am awake and can't sleep, thoughts of him are in my head. I am already weeping for him, and he hasn't left yet. I feel helpless and don't know what to do, I dread the fact that he is not going to be around anymore, I won't drive to his place anymore to hang out and make love to him.
This blog entry will not make sense, I need to figure out what to write? I am not sure how to put things in words to state what my feelings are for him. The thing is that I didn't want to feel this way for him, it just happened. You know when you haven't had anyone in a long time and you just go through dates like it's a routine? But then you meet someone, and then it feels like home? Texas feels like home, I cannot deny it, you know what I wish? I wish Texas would love me back, in some ways I feel his love for me. Then again, I think it's nothing, I was not the same the first time I met Texas. I have found myself in so many ways, and that is exactly what he did for me. I fell in love again, but it's not like the love I experienced in past relationships, it's a different fall-in-love thing. Last night I really fell in love with him, when I look at him it's like looking at his soul. If having a soulmate is like the way I feel about him, then I don't want it to end. Sometimes, I wish life was fair, I wish it was kinda easy, and kinda compassionate. I would like to have Texas be my soulmate, to be my life, yeah it would be nice to have that kind of true love.
I know this entry is dumb and it is crazy, but so is my heart. I am definitely not cut out to be this way, not to love, not to live as though I did have a soulmate. Do you know what the sad part is? That Texas will be a memory, like a wave in the ocean, the togetherness we have now, won't matter anymore. The way that I am feeling will eventually fade away, it will be a dream I had, and there won't be any pictures of us to say we once were. Texas is just an idea, the idea that living in the moment is what matters now. All this, the thoughts and the dread of not having Texas anymore won't exist and I will be myself again. Life goes on and dreams are lived and then forgotten. I love you Texas, you are in my memories.
